The Morning After
by Feeney
Summary: In a twist of fate, Rachel survives the Yeerk War. But three years later she has broken up with Tobias, has no direction, and is still struggling to adjust in a post-war world where maybe she was never supposed to belong in the first place. Terrorists, paparazzi, college - Rachel's life was never meant to be easy. Chapter 22: The Birthday Girl
1. I - Welcome Freshmen

_**I.**_

* * *

**CHAPTER ONE - Welcome Freshmen**

* * *

_BLEEP! BLEEP! BLEEP!_

My hand shot out from under my blankets and slapped around, searching for the relentless alarm clock.

_BLEEP! BLEEP! BLEEP!_

Where was it? I ran my fingers over the cherry wood nightstand until I reached the wall behind it. My eyes were still squeezed shut under the covers as I felt around for the electrical socket and fished for the cord. That was why I was so startled when something grabbed my wrist. I yelped and forced myself to peek.

"Oh. Hey." My head retreated back under the blanket.

"You're going to electrocute yourself," Cassie said irritably.

"Good idea, I _definitely _could get a doctor's note for that."

"I've been up for an hour," she grumbled, finally shutting off the alarm for me. "In the sixty minutes since I've been awake, I've heard you snooze this alarm eight times. _Eight times_. If I hear this thing go off one more time I will completely lose it, so would you Please. Wake. _Up_."

"I _am_ awake," I mumbled into my sheets.

Cassie tore the covers off from over my head. Sudden draft and intense sunlight overwhelmed my senses.

"_Ahh!_ Okay, okay, I'm up!" I whined, trying to burrow myself deeper into my mattress and pillows.

"You are not up! Your first class starts in an hour and since not even a bald eagle can carry a bag full of books to campus, you'll have to drive. You're gonna be late!"

"An hour is plenty of time. We're like fifteen minutes from campus!"

She whacked me with a pillow. "You need extra time to find your classes and get familiar with the buildings. It's you're own fault you didn't want to go to freshman orientation. Hurry up!"

"Can't I just ditch my classes today? It won't hurt to miss one day," I groaned.

"You've missed two days."

"Still not _too_ bad."

"It's only the third day of classes!" Cassie marched over to my closet, blindly pulled out some clothes, and tossed them onto my lap. I cringed at her outfit selection. It had been over ten years since we became friends, and she had gleaned absolutely zero fashion sensibility from me in all that time.

"Rachel, come on. You're the only Animorph to go to college, you've got to represent us well."

I scowled, and Cassie immediately looked guilty.

"Sorry. I'm sorry. I didn't mean to turn it into that. I_ know_ this isn't about what the public thinks. This is about you, and I'm proud of you..." she said, sitting at the foot of my bed. Like when we were just kids, not Animorphs. Not intergalactic superheroes. Not tabloid fodder.

After the post-war fervor had died down a little and the world got bored with praising us, it turned out the media could get pretty nasty. They wrote that Jake had such severe Post-Traumatic Stress, he should be committed in a mental facility because he was a danger to himself and others. Cassie was accused of being a pathological workaholic and hypocrite that hid herself in her charity and alien rights work. Tobias was harshly judged and ridiculed for his decision to remain a hawk after the war had ended. Even Marco, who soaked up attention like it was sunlight, got angry when he read the article about his alleged interspecies romantic relationship with Ax.

We all agreed, though, that the tabloids enjoyed messing with me the most. For months now, there was a daily article describing my alcoholism, drug addiction, and promiscuity. In truth, I had only ever been with one person, never even tried smoking and had only tasted beer once with my dad. Fighting in a war and then being swept up in the aftermath didn't exactly leave me a lot of time for partying, or whatever else this mythical Rachel liked to do.

"...shouldn't let the media nonsense affect you. They're just having a hard time believing that you weren't _completely_ messed up by the war. They don't understand that you've always been really strong, even when we were little..." Cassie was still talking and I tried to look like I was paying attention, but my mind was wandering.

For the past three years, I lived my life mostly as a shadow. I studied and eventually got my GED like my mother had vaguely suggested, making me the only Animorph with an actual diploma. Not that it mattered all that much. I tagged along with Cassie on her little Hork-Bajir crusades, went to the occasional red carpet movie premiere with Marco, made everyone happy with the odd public appearance. I read. I volunteered. I did charity. I smiled. Nothing suspicious. Nothing...just, nothing.

But I still spent most of my other free time in morph, flying as an eagle, swimming as a dolphin. These days, I did it alone. I liked being alone. Marco had foolishly tried to get me into the party scene, but that idea was doomed from the beginning. Even Ax offered me a place on the Andalite home world. Something about a friend looking into "artificial skin fashion" for Andalites. But I never felt like I belonged, unless I was somewhere else. Something else.

At this point, I felt like I had seen everything and experienced more at 19 years old than most people do in their entire lives, and I _still_ didn't know anything about who I was. I _was_ a warrior. I _was_ an Animorph. And I _was_ a hero. None of those things applied to me now. I had heard most people liked to "find themselves" by either traveling around the world or going to college. But after having been blasted from galaxy to galaxy, timeline to timeline, I figured I was done with the traveling thing for a while.

"...so I'm glad you decided to go the college route. Blythe University is perfect for you."

I snapped out of my trance. Cassie was watching me, wondering what I was thinking.

"I don't know," I admitted. It seemed my appropriate go-to answer for most things these days.

"I know you," Cassie said firmly. Confidently. "I've seen how you retreat into your eagle morph or whatever, but that's totally okay. It's therapeutic, it can be relaxing if you want it to be and exciting when you need one of your little adrenaline kicks. That's a good thing. I'll be honest, Rachel, I didn't know how you would handle life after the war. You had gotten too into it. Too violent. You scared me."

I thought about last week. A bored eagle soaring, skimming the treetops and getting increasingly angry that it was bored. It was looking for prey. There were dozens of chipmunks, mice, possums. I thought of the cat. The cat that was easily big enough and vicious enough to take me down and rip me apart.

"But you're okay now." She brushed my too-long blond hair from my forehead. "Your life is wide open, and college will help you figure out the rest."

"I guess."

The eagle had screamed in my head, screamed that the huge cat was not prey. It was the predator. It was going to kill me. The human in me begged, pleaded. The cat belonged to someone. It had a collar. A little silver bell. But I ignored eagle. I ignored the human. I felt nothing inside me, and I needed something. Anything.

The fight had been violent, it hurt, and I barely survived. But it just made the cat's stringy muscle taste that much sweeter. When I was done, I left the carcass in the woods, and dropped the little collar into a creek. The tiny bell tinkled as it fell.

I wasn't quite as okay as people thought.

Cassie was looking at me hesitantly. "You must be really nervous about school, huh?"

I imagined the sensation of tough cat muscles and tendons churning in my stomach. I forced a laugh. "Yeah, right."

"After all we've been through, you pick now to chicken out? Because you don't want to go to _school?_" She was trying to joke, trying to put me in a better mood.

"Shut up," I said, making sure to play my part as grumpy best friend. I swung my legs over the side of my bed and got up unsteadily. From the corner of my eye I could see the deep grooves scratched into the surface of my nightstand. The mark of a particularly bad dream. I moved my alarm clock back to its rightful place, to cover them up. Too late.

"Those aren't new, are they?" Cassie asked, looking at the grooves.

"Nightmare."

"Is that why your nails are so short now?"

I grunted in response as I pulled off my pajamas and returned the clothes Cassie picked out to my closet. I had no qualms about being naked in front of her. We had been through too much together for either us to care anymore.

"I didn't realize they still got so bad."

That was all that needed to be said. This wasn't the first time either of us had woken up screaming and thrashing uncontrollably in bed. It was just a reality that came with our lives. Cassie had dents and scratches in her own room as well, although hers were admittedly older. She didn't cry in her sleep anymore like she used to.

She moved back on my bed to lean on the wall and hugged her knees to her chest. She was getting comfortable, which meant she definitely wanted to do the whole feelings thing this morning.

Sometimes I wished she wasn't this great a friend.

"Seriously, you have nothing to worry about. You fought off aliens and aced high school, I think you can handle college. And if you're worried about paparazzi, you know that they're restricted from campus. And the surrounding mile radius. And the airspace around campus. The literal_ air_ above the school is restricted."

I dug around for a minute before deciding on something that actually matched. "Whatever. I don't care that much. I'm only going because I don't have anything else. I'm not saving the world anymore, unlike you."

I pulled on my clothes for the day. I had showered last night, so I could get away with skipping this morning. I inspected myself. Passable. When I looked at Cassie behind me in the mirror, she was frowning.

"Are you - ?"

"It's kind of sad that I chose the miserable life of a college student, right? " I said quickly, interrupting her question. I'd had all the thought and feelings I could stand for one morning.

Cassie rolled herself off my bed and placed her hand on my shoulder. "Nah. Maybe someday, I'll get a chance to do it."

"Yeah, sure."

She finally got the hint that I was done talking about it, so she changed the subject. "I'll be out most of the day - "

"You're having a meeting with Good Morning America about the Initiative via satellite until eleven," I said, as I started for my bathroom to splash some water on my face and maybe get some makeup on. "Then you're meeting with Ronnie for lunch and researching some Canadian nature preserves for the Hork-Bajir Foundation. At three you're going to Marco's place so you both can go over notes for tonight's interview about the Visser's incarceration. Then you'll come home late and tired, but barge into my room anyway and ask me how my first day of school went."

At her surprised look, I grinned.

"I'm just as overly informed about every aspect of your life as you are about mine. Tell Marco I said hi, and that whoever he's sleeping with this week is a - "

"Rachel."

"That last girl, Nina-something? Marco was on antibiotics for two weeks."

"_Rachel!"_

"I'm just saying!" I smirked at her. "Tell Ronnie I say hi, too. We'll talk about _him_ later."

When I left for school, she was still blushing.

* * *

I looked up from my dizzyingly complicated campus map. A dozen people simultaneously looked away. It was kind of understandable, since my presence practically put the campus on lockdown. No media allowed, and anyone who took a photo of me on school grounds was subject to expulsion or termination from their jobs, in addition to further punitive legal action. My mom had called me the other day and told me that the Mayor made it some kind of misdemeanor or crime or something to distribute photos through any channel – internet, cell phone, or otherwise - of me taken on the Blythe University campus. It was actually kind of cool.

Also, it was widely known that I was sort of rude to anyone who annoyed me. As evidenced by the paparazzi guy whose kneecaps I almost fractured two weeks ago for asking me if I had a boyfriend, a somewhat sensitive topic for me. It wasn't a huge surprise that people kept their distance.

Right now, though, I needed help finding the Cooper Building for my Calculus class and there was no one I could ask.

I went into the library atrium and found it nearly deserted. It was still early in the semester, and I supposed no one had anything to study for. There was a coffee kiosk at the center, though unfortunately it still looked closed.

Cassie was right, I should have gone to the stupid freshman orientation. I looked back down at the campus map, hoping that by some miracle I could figure out which way to hold it so that it made any sense. If I walked past the coffee kiosk, I'd be going out the west exit and then...

_"Whoa!"_

A tall guy carrying a stack of large cardboard boxes was suddenly in front of me. I was too focused on my map and he couldn't see me over his boxes until it was too late. We collided and found ourselves on the shiny linoleum floor, covered in flaky croissants.

"Watch where the fuck you're going!" I snapped, the fuse on my temper sparked.

"Me?! What about you?! I'm six-two and carrying giant boxes of pastries! How did you not see me?!" He glared at me and, to my surprise, did not waver in his fuming after realizing who he was yelling at. I was too stunned at the fact that someone was being actively angry at me - Rachel Berenson, Savior of the Universe, Puncher of People That Piss Me Off - to have any of my usual biting retorts.

He climbed to his feet and I did notice that yes, he was tall enough to be hard to miss. His thick black hair was short, but messy in a way that definitely was not just from our run in. I noted that he was lean, not quite skinny but not broad enough to escape being lanky or awkward. If the boxes had been stuffed with anything other than fluffy croissants he probably wouldn't have been able to lift them all by himself. He was wearing a Superman t-shirt, which was ironic and obviously meant he was a real winner at life.

Some other guy, massively muscled with a neck like a tree trunk, rushed over. His voice was what I imagined my grizzly morph's voice would be like if it could speak.

"Dude, you jackass, do you even know who she is?!"

I hadn't realized, but the few students roaming the library had all stopped in their tracks to stare at us.

"Yeah, I know who she is," Croissant Boy said crossly. "That doesn't mean the oceans have to part wherever she goes. She's not Moses."

Grizzly Bear Guy cracked his knuckles. "You think you're funny? Pushing little girls around? I ought to bruise your skull - "

Now I was mad.

"Okay, back off," I said harshly. Grizzly looked surprised.

"Just trying to help. I'm Carter, by the way. I'm a huge fan - "

"Cool. You can mind your own business now, thanks."

Grizzly shook his head irritably and trudged off. I was pretty sure I heard him mutter _"bitch"_ as he went. The other students started to move again, but slowly, making sure to keep watching me.

Croissant held his hand out begrudgingly, offering to help me off the floor. "I guess I should thank you for that. Carter could have pulled my head right off my neck with two fingers."

I swatted his hand away and got up on my own, maintaining the fiery glare I had on him. "I'm making all sorts of bad decisions this morning."

"Look, I'm sorry, okay? I'm having a crappy day already and now every croissant that touched the ground is coming out of my paycheck. I'm already scraping together my tuition as it is."

My expression softened, ever so slightly. "Well, maybe if you weren't a dumbass and tried carrying those boxes over one at a time."

"I was late."

"Wow, employee of the year," I sneered.

"I don't need to explain myself to you," Croissant growled. "I said I'm sorry. This conversation can end now. Bye."

He turned his back to me and started picking up the dirty croissants.

"Excuse me, Miss. Berenson?"

I jumped. I hadn't even noticed the tiny old man creep up behind me. He wore round Harry Potter glasses and a grotesquely puce sweater vest.

"My name is Mr. Julian Morrow, Head Librarian. I just wanted to say it's a pleasure to have you here!"

"Yeah, okay."

"Was this young man bothering you? Did he harm you? I can make sure he faces strict disciplinary action."

Croissant whirled around to face us, his eyes wide. "I – I didn't - "

"He's not bothering me," I said crankily. For just the briefest of moments I considered letting him get in trouble, but for whatever reason, I realized he was probably the one bothering me the least out of all the people I'd met today. "It's fine."

"Yes, well, if you're sure - "

"I'm sure," I said shortly. Mr. Head Librarian sensed the tone and left us. It was hard to ignore my tones.

"Thank you for sparing me," Croissant said sarcastically.

"What is your problem?" I demanded. "That's twice now I saved your ass."

"You're the reason my ass is here in the first place!" He accused. "Or, I mean...something. You know what I mean!"

"Whatever, I'll pay the for damn croissants."

"I don't want your money."

"Unbelievable."

"What, that money can't fix everything?" he snorted.

I clenched my fists tightly and counted to ten. Then to twenty, before squatting down and picking up some croissants from the floor.

"What are you doing?"

"Helping you. Or are you too self-righteous for that, too?" I felt him staring at me as I gathered an armful of croissants. "What?"

"It's just weird to see Rachel Berenson crawling around on the ground picking food up off the floor, that's all."

"Would you just shut up?"

"Yeah, sure." I glanced up to see him watching me with a confused expression. "Um, I guess put them in this bag, not back in the box. I can still sell the clean ones."

Wordlessly, I helped him drag the bag of bad croissants and the rest of the boxes to the coffee kiosk at the center of the library atrium, where he worked. He went behind the counter and pulled out a green apron with a name tag pinned to it that read "Gary".

"Gary, huh?"

"Nope." He washed his hands and started to position the croissants into the display case. A ghost of a smile was on his lips. "Ben."

"So...that's kinda weird, then," I said, pointing at the name tag.

"I left my name tag in my dorm. Like I said, I was late. And we're not allowed to work without the name tag. You know, so people could identify us if we spit in their coffee or whatever."

"Seriously. Employee of the year."

Ben suddenly cracked a smile. Not some small polite smile, an all-out bright, dimpled grin. He was actually more than a little cute, in a weird way.

"Okay. For real now, I'm sorry. I shouldn't have been carrying so many boxes that I couldn't see where I was going, and I appreciate your helping me clean up. Can we start over?"

"I don't start over," I said bluntly. "But I guess I could have been paying closer attention to where I was walking."

"You _guess?_"

"Do you _want_ me to get Mr. Julian Morrow Head Librarian and that frat boy ape creature back in here?"

He laughed, a hearty bellowing laugh. Ben did not express his feelings halfway, it seemed. I supposed we had that in common. Except my feelings weren't always quite so...pleasant.

"So what were you looking at so intensely that you crashed into a walking bakery, anyway?" he asked.

I pulled my rumpled map from my bag and set it on the counter. "Cooper Building?"

Ben squinted at it for a few seconds, turned it around, and squinted again. "What the hell is this?"

"Right?! It's impossible!"

"Cooper Building is out the back doors here. Cross the Peace Quad and it will be on your left down the steps, it's the one with the flags out front. I don't know what the fuck that map is of, I've gone to this school a year already and I can't read that."

"Oh. Thanks."

"Yup. Coffee?"

My eyes widened. "Actually, that sounds great."

Ben wiped his hands off, poured me a large cup and handed it to me. "Three dollars."

"What?!" I yelped, before I could stop myself. I could barely remember the last time I walked up to someone and they had me pay for something. My face flushed instantly in embarrassment. God, when I had become _that_ person.

"Yeah, I know, it's like twenty cents cheaper at the Dunkin' Donuts down the parkway. But I can spot you if you need me - "

"No, it's fine," I said, hurriedly fishing in my bag for three dollars.

"Or, you know, I can give you the Animorph discount." He winked. I had no idea if he was kidding, if he knew what I had been thinking, or if he was just a weird guy. Somehow, I had a feeling it was all of the above.

"You are really annoying." I plunked three dollars on the counter and grabbed the coffee.

"You're not the first to say that. I am also, however, great at computers and math."

"Huh?"

He motioned at the Calculus textbook and the Welcome Pamphlets I had set on the counter during my search for three dollars. On top was the hopelessly complicated packet about setting up school email and accounts.

"I can help you with that if you want. It can get kind of overwhelming. My shift is up at noon and then I have two classes, but if you're not busy at around three...?"

His proposal just sort of hung there between us. I stared at him. His smile was warm, genuinely pleasant. And he was cute.

_Smooth, _I muttered to myself. I had never been flustered by boys before. This problem was a completely foreign concept to me, and it was even more frustrating because I knew exactly why.

My first boyfriend and my first big break-up had left me more than a little shattered.

"Just to help with the computer," Ben said suddenly, noting my hesitation. "That's all, no ulterior motive. Not a big deal if you don't want to. I'll live. I promise."

I was being stupid. Why wasn't I saying anything? _Say something._

"I'm not trying to make this like a meet-cute, I swear," he laughed nervously.

I frowned. "A what?"

"You know, a _meet-cute_."

"I...don't know what that is."

"Probably better if you don't, actually," Ben said, his face a little more pink than before. "Forget I said that."

I shrugged. "Whatever. Well, I'm busy most of today. Think you could help me out tomorrow?"

Ben nodded. "That's cool. We can meet here. Same time, around three?"

"Yeah, okay. Um, sorry again for walking into you."

"Again? You didn't say sorry the first time!"

I rolled my eyes and muttered, "Jerk."

He snickered and waved me off, thanking me again for helping him. I realized that in the maybe ten minutes of my knowing him, I really, really enjoyed his smile.

When I stepped outside, I almost groaned out loud.

I hadn't _really_ spoken to Tobias for a year now. That was the last time we'd gone flying together, over the mountains near where the Hork-Bajir colony was. Flying with Tobias had been the only thing that hadn't changed between the war and the aftermath. It was just like old times, we didn't talk about the war or the media or anything else that stressed us out. We would just fly, joke, laugh, and occasionally go human for some private time, shielded from the world and the reporters by the natural cover of trees.

It was that last time that I stopped and asked him why, years after the war ended, he hadn't stayed human. Why had he remained a hawk? He had friends, he had me. He even could have had his mother, if he tried. Tobias didn't have to worry about the war anymore, so it shouldn't have mattered whether or not he could morph. I had wanted a boyfriend, a human one, and didn't see why I couldn't have one.

Tobias tried to explain, tried to reason with me. Some bullshit about being too used to the sky, about the human world being too crazy right now. He still hung out with Cassie and I, sometimes even Marco. He talked to Ax every week via the Z-space communications hub Marco had installed in his ludicrous mansion. He thought life was good. He didn't understand that I couldn't deal with him only being human for two hours at a time anymore. I got angrier, and he got quieter. I accused him of being a coward, and he just took the insult, didn't jump at the bait.

But would _I _ever give up the power to morph? Never be an eagle again, or a bear, or a dolphin. He never pointed out that I spent a lot of my time in morph to avoid the real world, just like him. The fact that he did that, that he was taking the higher road, made me even angrier.

By the time I got to the Cooper Building, I had crushed my empty coffee cup to pieces in my fist. I threw it out and stormed into the building, looking for room 201.

Tobias and I were _over._ We were over the minute that he said no, he didn't want to be human with me. He didn't want to brave this new world with me. We were _over._ I loved him for years, waited for him, and I couldn't wait for him to be ready any more.

I knew I was being crazy. That there was absolutely no reason for me to be thinking any of this right now. Because Ben was cute? Because he was the first guy I met in a very long time that I didn't think was an absolute asshole? Where my standards that low?

Standards for _what?_ I wasn't even _into_ Ben. I had just met him! I was just crazy and broken, any little thing could set me off in a spiral. That madness had always been with me, but it had gotten worse.

I was pissed at myself. At Tobias. At Ben, for no real reason. When I got to the classroom, I didn't even look up at the teacher. I found a seat at the very back of the maybe 50 desks in class, where it was harder for people to turn and stare at me, and focused stonily at the board. I didn't hear a word the professor was saying about differential and integral calculus. I was too busy fuming silently about nothing, and didn't even realize that the hour was over until I heard people start zipping up their bags. I got up and kept my head down, ready to make a quick and easy exit.

"Rachel? Miss Berenson?"

I sighed. It was the professor. "Yeah?"

"I just wanted to say that it's an honor to have you in my class. I know everyone here regards you as a hero, and it is my pleasure to offer my assistance in anything you need for school. Anything at all, I can help you out. Please don't hesitate to ask."

"Thanks," I said, nodding like a puppet. "Okay." I backed out into the hallway before he could say anything else. But after seeing that exchange, my classmates apparently found the courage to talk to me. They all said it was an honor to meet me, they all offered to help me out with anything I needed, they all offered to hang out with me after class, some asked for autographs. I caught a few people rolling their eyes at me and the attention I was getting. Heard some grumbles. And some kids did try and stay out of my way, out of fear or nervousness or whatever.

I forced myself to smile tolerantly and nodded, gave out a few vague "maybe" answers, and excused myself to the bathroom where I hoped no one would bother me. I was wrong, of course, but I eventually got out of there, too. It wasn't the worst fan assault I ever had to deal with, but no ambush was a good ambush.

Anxiety was drowning me, filling my lungs and making it hard to breathe. I needed to talk to someone, someone that wasn't going to smother me in a mob. Ducking down behind one of the dormitories, I pulled out my cell phone and called Cassie. I let it ring six times before hanging up. She was still working.

I looked up to the empty blue sky and sighed. No birds, no red-tailed hawks. There was nothing up there. But there was going to be. I hid behind the dumpsters of the closest dining hall, shoved my bag behind it, and morphed. I grew my wings and struggled to gain some altitude. I had to flap relentlessly towards the closest parking lot, just to get some halfway decent thermals. Thankfully, I was able to get high enough to soar over the campus. No one was looking up at me. Only an Animorph had that habit, frequently looking up in the sky for someone they knew. And birdwatchers, I guess.

I flapped just a little higher so that I could soar in an arc towards the forest. Blythe University had its own nature preserve, a couple hundred acres of just grass, creeks, woodland creatures, and nerdy biologists taking poop samples. I soared deeper into the preserve, where I was almost sure no one would be hanging out right then in the middle of the day.

My thoughts were like torture, endless back and forth. I owed Tobias nothing. Nothing. Yet one random guy offers to help me with email, and I felt like crap. I should have felt good, but there was something inside gnawing at me, telling me I had done something wrong. That I had just put the final nail in a coffin. A coffin that held Tobias, the war, and whatever else had once meant everything to me. Stuff that now meant nothing.

So many people in me class wanted to be my friend. I didn't know any of them, and for all I knew, they would not have said a word to me if I hadn't been all over the their internet homepages. It was superficial, blind, hero-worship crap. All of it. Four years ago, it seemed like everything mattered. Everything I did mattered, my friendships mattered. Now, nothing did. I had Cassie, but there was no Tobias. Barely any Ax. Jake had withdrawn from me, and I did see Marco a couple times a week, but mostly just for trivial business and press things that didn't matter. Nothing mattered.

I knew this feeling. I was losing it. My own deranged version of a panic attack. I was spiraling deeper, uncontrollably into madness as I fought my way higher into the sky, so high that I was starting to get dizzy. Then I angled my wings, pointed my beak down and plummeted.

The bald eagle was like a bullet. Faster than a bullet, practically invisible as it streaked back towards the earth. I felt the bird's already rapid heartbeat race madly, the tops of the trees shooting up towards me like spears. The eagle's brain screamed at me to pull over, it called me crazy. Insane.

_[WOOOOOOOOOOOOO!]_ I pulled out of the dive seconds before being impaled by the top of a pine tree. The tips of the trees scratched my belly as I skimmed so close to death. Now I was pumped. I was still going insanely fast, having managed to retain most of my speed from the dive, and I arced back upward, forming a loop in midair. This was the best thing in the world.

So why did I expect Tobias to give it up for me?

I slowed down, the high ending so abruptly it was like I had crashed. Of course he wouldn't give up flying for me. Who the hell was I? Without the war making me great, I was just a some blond. A dumb blond not even worth being human for.

Out of the corner of my eye, I spotted a raccoon. It wasn't overly large, medium I guessed, for a raccoon. Plenty big enough to pull me out of the air if it got a hold of me. Plenty strong enough to tear into me. I remembered the cat. The rush. The taste. The thrill of winning, being a champion over a defeated foe.

_TSEEEEEEEEER!_

* * *

Later, I demorphed and was glad to find that no one had stolen my bag from the dumpster. I dug around in the front pocket until I found some gum and chewed it on my way to class, tricking myself into thinking I was fresh and clean. Before going in, I checked myself in a bathroom mirror. There was a twig in my hair. A small stain of blood that wasn't mine at the hem of my shirt, it had seeped through from my morphing suit. Tucking it into my jeans was not a good look, so I pulled a sweater on, even though it was near 80 degrees.

My Economics class had been over for twenty minutes now, and I was about to be late for American Literature.

I was able to focus in this one, though. I actually learned things about Edgar Allen Poe. Took some notes, even looked forward to reading tonight. People talked to me, and I didn't feel like running away. I was annoyed, but I successfully repressed the urge to attack anyone, even the ones that stupidly asked me out. I heard some stoners in front of me talking about how they were getting baked in the middle of the woods before class and saw some "hawk" tear apart a raccoon and eat its heart.

But I was chill.

I was cool.


	2. I - Orientation

_**I.**_

* * *

**CHAPTER TWO - Orientation**

* * *

When I got back home, Cassie was there. This was a fairly rare occurrence.

We started renting the house together a year ago, since Cassie's work with the Hork-Bajir Foundation needed her close to the city but also close to the Hork-Bajir colony, and I wanted to be close to Blythe University. It was a relatively humble place - three bedrooms, three baths. Cassie's bedroom was right across from mine, and we each had our own attached bathroom. The third room was just a small, quiet space at the end of the upstairs hall - just big enough for a twin bed, dresser, and desk. Sometimes I would lie in there and nap, since my own bedroom sometimes seemed too loud and messy. I would leave my phone in my bedroom, along with my laptop, bills, unanswered letters, the scratches in the furniture, the blood in my laundry, and anything else I didn't want to remind me of my new reality. Occasionally I needed refuge from my own refuge.

But it was the window that I fell in love with, and ultimately helped me make the decision to sign the lease. The window was overly large, an old-fashioned arch shape that opened out like a door and faced the treeline of the woods that edged our secure, gated community. It was so close that a tree branch brushed against the glass.

Tobias used to enter through the window. It had been my favorite part of the house.

Our downstairs was just a nice-sized living room, eat-in kitchen, and a bathroom with a broken toilet that we kept forgetting to have fixed. Off the kitchen was another small room that Cassie turned into her home office. That was where I found her, typing away at an email.

I sauntered in without needing to announce myself. She knew the sound of my car pulling up to the driveway, and my muttered curses as I struggled to jimmy the back door open with the blunted key I was too lazy to replace. We always came in the back door to the kitchen. Our front door faced the main street and even in the gated community, there were too many gawkers out there.

"Hey, what's a 'meet-cute'?" I asked.

Cassie looked over at me, eyebrow quirked. "Why?"

"Just asking."

"It's like, in a romantic comedy. When the couple meets for the first time in a funny, endearing way. You know, Girl tripping on a step and Guy catching her. Guy running to catch a bus and accidentally crashing into Girl. An awkward meeting that becomes something, well, cute."

So Ben was a _dork._

"What, did you have a meet-cute or something?" Cassie teased.

"Please. Someone was talking about it in class," I lied. "Anyway, aren't you supposed to be heading to Marco's? You guys have that thing tonight. The interview."

"In a minute. How was your day?" she asked cheerily. I set my bag down, pulled another chair to the computer, and collapsed into it.

_"School,"_ I said simply.

"What's that?" She was looking down. I saw the blood-stained hem of my shirt sticking out from my sweater and felt a cold sweat. It would be too obvious if I tried to hide it, so I played it off casually.

"Ketchup from the dining hall. It's why I'm wearing this damn sweater even though it's hot as the devil's crotch outside."

Cassie bought it. "Ew. What, was just tucking it in was too uncool?"

"Duh." _Now _it was safe to pull the sweater lower, so she couldn't get a closer look.

It was then that I noticed she was grinning brightly, practically vibrating with some kind of awesome news. She was dying me to ask her how her day was, I could always tell. Cassie was never the kind of person that just blurted everything on her mind, she liked to be asked. It was a part of her whole thing with putting other people first. If I was half as good a friend as she was, I would just ask about what amazing thing happened to her.

But I opted to be a dick for a moment. "So, in Calculus we learned - "

"_Rachel!"_

"Okay, okay!" I laughed. "Why do you look so happy? You're smiling so wide you barely have room for your ears."

"Toby Hamee is going to have a baby!" she said, clearly unable to restrain her joy. "They said they're going to name it after me!"

I smiled at that. "That's great! Jesus, congrats to Toby! Although wow, I feel like this somehow makes us all grandparents?"

"You know, I felt the same way at first? But the Hork-Bajir lifespan being as short as it is, I suppose it isn't too strange for them. Toby is six years old, so if she lives to be as old as her mother when she died - about twenty-three - at this stage of her life she's even older than us in human years." She paused. "I took this to a dark place, didn't I?"

Our friend Ket Halpak died of old age last year. Imagine our surprise when we found out "old age" to Hork-Bajir meant "barely even old enough to drink". Jara Hamee was only about twenty when he died in battle. Toby's _kalashi _was a nine-year-old named, I kid you not, _Nerf_. Nerf once told us that the oldest Hork-Bajir he'd ever heard of was twenty-seven.

"Uh, kind of. But hey, a new baby Hork-Bajir, that's incredible!" I said quickly. "I wish I had something cool named after me."

"You have like, ten high schools, a few federal buildings, a couple space ships, and a McDonald's Extra Value Meal named after you," Cassie reminded me. "And that's not including all the little babies born in the past few years that are probably named after you."

"But I mean, something _cool._ Like a Hork-Bajir or something," I said. Cassie rolled her eyes. "I should visit them, I haven't seen those guys in a while."

"You should come with me tomorrow!" She said enthusiastically, then faltered. "Although, the media has already gotten their claws in this story. Toby is as popular as the Animorphs these days, what with the Initiative terrorists starting to make headlines and all. She's going to have a small press conference. I told her I'd be there for support."

"A press conference?! Already!?"

"Yeah, you know how the media is." Cassie shrugged. "We spoke with Kono, and she thinks it would be best if we got the baby coverage over with as soon as possible, quick and easy. They're coming and setting up a couple news trucks at the base of the mountain outside their colony. Twenty minutes of questions from the press, a ten minute interview with Louise Headwater, and they're gonna wrap it up. Easy-peasy."

"Because everything we do is easy-peasy," I said dryly.

"Anyway, do you think you can make it?"

"I, uh..." I remembered I had asked Ben to help me at the computer lab at the same time. "I sorta made plans after class..."

She looked at me skeptically. "I know you hate reporters, but I heard it's gonna be catered. Pigs in a blanket. You love those!"

"No, really, I'm not lying," I said. "Sorry. But I can definitely catch up with you and Toby after the press conference is over, though? Back at the colony?"

She noticed my vagueness, of course, and was studying me trying to figure it out. "Oh! Oh, yeah. I'm sorry. Tobias is going to be there too, of course. I wasn't thinking..."

"No, not because of him," I said honestly. Mostly. "I, uh, I guess I made a friend today."

Cassie's eyebrows shot up. She knew as well as I did that I didn't make friends easily. "A kid from one of your classes?"

"Actually, the coffee guy."

"Oh, well, I see what drew you to him," Cassie laughed. Since the war I had developed a little bit of a mild six-cups-a-day coffee addiction.

"I wasn't _drawn_ to him," I scowled. "I was lost and happened to bump into him at the library."

"Bump into – is _that _why you asked about meet-cutes?!"

"Shut up."

"Okay. Well, he asked you to do something? What are you guys gonna do?" Her knees were pulled up to her chin again. Her listening position. She was going all in and wouldn't leave me alone until I spilled my guts. The girl was probably cackling with glee inside that head of hers.

"I asked him to help me set up my school accounts."

Cassie blinked. "_You_ asked _him?_"

"Not really. He offered. I accepted. You know how I am with computers."

She was scrutinizing me with an unreadable expression.

"What?"

"Oh, nothing. Actually, this is a good thing. A great thing. You should be moving on. This guy has to be nice, if he was able to get you to ask him out."

My mouth dropped open. "I didn't ask him out! I technically didn't even _ask_ him anything!"

"You shouldn't feel ashamed - "

"I'm not!"

" - or guilty."

"I'm _not!_" I protested again, but I saw confirmation in Cassie's eyes. She knew I was lying. She knew I'd been thinking about Tobias pretty much all day. It was rare for me to not be thinking about him, although I would sooner slice out my own tongue with rusty garden shears than admit that to anyone.

"Well, in case you do feel guilty about anything, _at all, y_ou should know that you shouldn't. I think this is fantastic."

I unconsciously put my hand over where the hidden blood stain was.

"So what's this guy's name?"

I sighed. "Ben."

"Cute."

"It's just a name."

"Well, its a little name. Cute."

"I mean, it's a nickname, isn't it? t's probably short for Benjamin. Or Benedict. He looks more like a Benjamin, though, he - " My eyes narrowed "If you're trying to get me to tell you what he looks like, you're going to fail."

"I'm not trying anything." She was grinning. The more she grinned suggestively at me like that, the more I started thinking about Tobias. She used to make that same expression whenever I talked about him, back when we were together. I felt the darkness was starting to gnaw at me again. I needed to change the subject before I lost it.

"So who's the email to?"

Cassie frowned, her exciting girltalk effectively derailed. "The president."

"What's up with Georgie these days?" I snagged a couple cookies from the plate by Cassie's mug of tea.

"_President Bush_ is looking for some help in the alien foreign policy department. He's looking to get a feel on the democratic opinion. Also with the Hork-Bajir, Andalites, and Taxxons, he's going to need to address the homeland security problems eventually on the campaign trail. I'm not a fan, but I could at least use this opportunity to get a good feel on American - "

Talking politics with Cassie was even worse than girltalk. I was ready to switch back over.

"Ugh. Never mind. How was lunch with Ronnie? Find some new Hork-Bajir homelands?"

"He asked me out. We're doing dinner and a movie or something Friday after work."

I nearly choked on a cookie, my mouth had gone suddenly dry. Cassie slammed me on the back a couple times.

"He _what?!_" I demanded. "You're _what?!_"

Ronnie Chambers worked with the Hork-Bajir, along with Cassie. He'd been assigned by the president's task force several months ago in the spring and I knew they had become close friends. I had met him a few times, so I at least knew he was a good guy. He genuinely seemed to love his job as much as Cassie did. He was older, I think Cassie mentioned he was 24 and she was still only 18 for another couple months, but the reality was that the Animorphs had aged up a long time ago. Ronnie was handsome, funny in a quiet sort of way, and obviously smart. In the near minute that Cassie sat there silently sizing up my reaction, I could not think of a single thing that was wrong with him. Other than he wasn't...

"You're thinking about Jake."

"Did I mention I hate that you always know what I'm thinking," I grumbled.

"It's not that hard, Rachel. You've been clinging to the war for years," she said honestly. "You think of those days as the 'good ole days' like some old war hero playing poker with his army boys. It's why you practically refuse to make any new friends, why you're having such a hard time moving on from Tobias, and why even after three years of barely seeing Jake at all, you still feel like he's my boyfriend."

"Whatever." I took her tea and started to drink it, like an angry child trying to spite her mother.

Cassie scowled. "I'm sorry, but you know I'm right. You always get angry when I'm right."

"You keep trying to make me feel bad about not adjusting!"

"You were going to try to make me feel bad about not being with Jake anymore!"

I put her tea down and started to massage the bridge of my nose. I was starting to get a headache. I needed more caffeine, and Cassie's tea wasn't cutting it.

"Rachel, listen, I'm not going to rush you through your life. Feel your feelings for however long you need. I love you, okay? I'm here for you. But we _do _need to move on from our war with the Yeerks. Nothing is the same as it was, and it never will be. I'm not going to stop dating everyone other than Jake just because you want to live in some fantasy where the six of us will stay the same forever. Okay?"

I mumbled under my breath.

"What?"

"I said, Ronnie seems cool," I relented. I would give her that. My annoyingly happy, self-righteous best friend could have that, at least.

She smiled and gave me a hug, knowing I was at least attempting at some kind of peace. Her words echoed in my head. I could tell she'd wanted to say that for a while, and she was right. I had liked the way things were during the war. I didn't like that it had changed. But it was what it was, I guess.

Cassie finished up her email and signed out of her account. "I need help picking an outfit. Actually, no, I don't, but you're going to whine about what I'm wearing regardless so I might as well just nip all that in the bud and have you dress me in the first place because I don't want to be late."

* * *

I already had a ton of homework, but when Marco's limo showed up at the front of our house and the driver said he was there to pick us _both_ up, Cassie convinced me to come along.

The plan originally was for her to meet up with Marco at his place so they could discuss their tactics during tonight's nationally-televised primetime discussion. As the unofficial spokespeople for the Animorphs, the two of them were going to have a chat with Bob Greenfield, some famous news reporter that I probably should have known more about. It wasn't a formal debate, but the discussion was about the Visser, formerly Visser One and even more formerly our nemesis Visser Three, and his current incarceration.

The monster we still could only think of as Visser Three, was currently being held host-less, completely blind, mute, and helpless, in a weird purple box the Andalites rigged up. The box fed him Kandrona rays to keep him alive and, at the request of people who for some reason didn't want him to suffer during his lifelong isolated imprisonment, it sedated him.

Three years ago, an "unknown individual" tipped off the United States government about a hidden Yeerk installation in the Nevada desert. It seemed its purpose was for bio-engineering, and a few of its products were still there running around in a pen - horses, whose brains had been modified for infestation by Yeerks. There were more dead horses than live ones, but they rescued and rehabilitated three of them. Once a week, Visser Three was allowed to infest a horse and feel some small bit of sensation and freedom in a closely-guarded 50 by 50 foot field. He could hear, see, smell, taste, and to some small extent communicate. For two hours twice a week, he was allowed to be alive.

Marco and I had wanted to just throw the Yeerk into a fire. Cassie and Tobias thought he should be imprisoned, but were horrified by the purple box the Andalites had given us to keep him in. They claimed it was basically like prolonging death, and that it was too cruel. Jake at the time was struggling through his own demons so he had no public opinion. Thus, Earth was divided, some standing behind Marco and I and some Cassie and Tobias's camp.

Eventually, I gave Ax a quick call and had him set me up a secret, encrypted phone line. I gave the tip and it worked. Earth found their own solution to the Visser problem, and I didn't have to mention a single Andalite toilet to anyone.

To this day we've kept that particular embarrassment of a mission to ourselves.

The Andalites also found a way to modify their own animals they considered non-sentient and incarcerated their criminal-of-war Yeerks in the same manner. Everybody won. Cassie had wanted to come forward with the story of the Iskoort, but I managed to squash that idea. We all agreed that missions involving the Ellimist were not to be mentioned. That was a whole new can of worms, and our planet was only just coming to grasp the concept of _regular _aliens.

Anyway, humans and Andalites already knew it was possible to modify non-sentient species for Yeerks to infest. It was only a matter of time before someone thought, "Hey, what if we engineer an entire species specifically for being symbiotes with Yeerks!?" The seed had been planted, which is what the Ellimist had wanted all along.

But now, after years of letting Earth hold the Visser, it seemed the Andalites wanted to try him themselves in their own justice system. Cassie and Marco were going to advocate for the humans, and how we should keep the Visser here, since we were the ones he committed crimes against. One Andalite, some analyst or whatever, was going to be there to argue for his own race, along with a like-minded human named Beth Jerabek, some senator from New York. According to them and the Andalites, Visser Three's crimes started long before he came to Earth, and he should be tried for those as well.

On one level I figured their guilt stems from way back, when Andalites discovered the Yeerks and basically let them loose in the universe. They probably felt some sort of responsibility for this whole thing. On the other hand, they were probably still just really pissed about the Visser having the balls to infest a high and mighty Andalite.

Either way, I didn't care about this fight. Unless this was solved with shooting the Visser into the sun, I was done with it.

"I'm really sorry for making you and Marco do all this alone," I said, actually only _slightly_ sorry about it.

"It's fine, Rachel. You officially have your own stuff going on. Marco and I, this is our job."

Cassie was nose deep in some of her notes, scribbling and erasing here and there. We were alone in the back of the limo, so we had lots of room to stretch out. Cassie was huddled in a corner surrounded by papers, looking stressed but amazing in the navy blue blazer and pencil skirt I'd thrown on her.

The limo ride was almost an hour to were Marco lived, which was a mansion on a hill surrounded by a random assortment of celebrities. We never actually drove there ourselves, we only ever flew as birds or he sent us a limo, because that was just Marco these days. Cassie was using the time to prepare, and I'd brought along my homework, since Marco refused to leave me alone in my house.

"Come on, I'm not going to make you come to the studio. You can watch us on one of the new LED HDTV's I had installed. They're like 7 feet across!" He had said on the phone, when the driver dutifully called him from the limo. I had glared with all my might, but Marco made him give the phone to me. "You can even study your nerdy-ass college stuff if you want. Just come out for once, it's been a while!"

That boy did not understand the meaning of humble. His mansion was massive, about twice the size of the mansion he'd bought for his reunited parents, and he was the only one really living in it. A 9-bedroom 10-bath mega-mansion, with an elevator, 10-car garage, pool, basketball court, movie theater and actual guesthouse with smaller garage and jacuzzi. Marco's property was its own gated community within a larger gated community. Plus he had more places in New York, Italy, and God knew where else. Excess? What was that?

After the war all of us, even Tobias for a miniscule portion, featured in a documentary about the Animorphs. It was the number one movie in America for all the months it was in theaters, and the DVD was the number one selling movie of all time. We all could retire comfortable as teenagers on that and its royalties alone, but Marco would not rest until he ruled Hollywood. He hosted lots of celebrity events and even the Emmy's red carpet once. For the upcoming season he was the host of American Idol, as well.

He wasn't the only one keeping busy. Cassie wrote a book, which had been at least top 3 on the NY Times BestSeller list for 2 years, plus she had her government job. Jake had his own job as morphing teacher at the military base in Hawaii, and of course Ax had also gone the military route as Prince.

Other than the red-tailed hawk that lived in the forest eating mice, I was the only one that hadn't gotten a "real" job.

I stared at my Calculus homework at the back of Marco's limo, suddenly feeling very small.

When we arrived at the edge of his domain, we confirmed our identities with Marco's security stations, _plural_, and our driver drove us up the obscenely large cul de sac, which wrapped around a massive marble fountain, and parked in front a large set of marble steps.

We thanked the driver and tipped him. Then we climbed all the way up the stairs and rang the doorbell. The theme song to Jurassic Park played back at us and Marco's butler answered the door.

"Hi, Mr. McPherson," Cassie greeted politely.

"Mr...I thought your named was Wetherbee?" I looked at the middle-aged British man.

"My name is McPherson, Mr. Lanza just prefers to call me Wetherbee," he said stiffly. "Please make yourselves comfortable in the drawing room while I fetch him."

He extended a white-gloved hand in the direction of Marco's living room. His first living room, anyway.

"Thanks, uh, sir." I wasn't sure which name to call him now.

"There is no need call me that, Miss Berenson," he led us to the room and politely waited for the both of us to be seated before turning on his heel to find Marco. The "drawing room" was essentially a living room bigger than the entire first floor of our house.

"So. Anyone else think Marco's gone crazy?" I said, poking at a set of hanging silver balls, one of those things that demonstrated the transfer of energy or whatever. It was sitting on an end table with a bobblehead of Kobe Bryant.

"We've known that since we met him," Cassie said. "I just wish he'd call Mr. McPherson by his real name."

I tossed my books down on the chrome coffee table and reclined on the no doubt ridiculously expensive sectional. I'd been here many times before, so I knew exactly were the button was to activate the power recliner. My portion of the couch began to flatten out and my legs were lifted up.

"Hey Cassie, hand me the control? Or can you activate the back massager?"

She made a face, but complied. The leather warmed slightly and then started to knead the knots from my back.

"Marco wasn't kidding about this TV," Cassie observed. "It's huge. Nearly as big as the wall he uses with the 3D projector in his actual living room."

I groaned in response. This couch was extremely stupid, but it felt so good.

"Presenting Mr. Lanza and Miss Sirota," Wetherbee announced. He nodded once and walked off, hopefully to go write his letter of resignation. I moaned again in greeting. The damn couch was hitting just the right spot between my shoulders.

Cassie turned to see Marco, admittedly well dressed and looking pretty good, and his girlfriend Svetlana Sirota, a six foot tall blond Russian model, walk into the room. We hated her. Or, well, I kind of did. Cassie insisted that she supported Marco in his decisions, but I saw that twitch in her false smile.

"Hey ladies! Lookin' good," Marco greeted. "Care for some drinks?"

"We're not legal yet," Cassie said distastefully. The bimbo on Marco's arm giggled.

"I meant like, soda or water or whatever," Marco said, detaching himself from Svetlana and ducking behind his extensive home wet bar. "Rachel? Anything? Coffee? A martini? A quickie in the library stacks of Blythe University?"

"Coffee sounds really good – wait, what?!"

Svetlana cracked up so hard she had to sit down. Next to me. I refrained from pushing her off the couch.

Marco grinned. "I take it you didn't go on Yahoo! News at all today."

"No."

He emerged from behind the bar with a teeny high-tech laptop. He flipped it open and presented it to me. I saw my face at the top of the page and read the headline. My jaw dropped.

"_ANIMORPH HAS ROMANTIC TRYST WITH LOCAL COLLEGE BOY!?_" I raged.

"So they say."

"That's a lie!" I fumed, slamming Marco's computer shut.

"Hey, that's expensive!"

"Those _assholes!_ We just talked! For like, five minutes total, maybe!"

Cassie's hand was holding my shoulder, pulling me down. I hadn't even realized I was trying to get up. "Rachel, relax. Remember what we said about the tabloids? Just forget it."

She took the laptop from me and opened it. "Besides, this isn't so bad. They've written worse about you. No pictures, of course...they just say..._ew!_ In the bathroom!?"

"Wait til you get to the part with them going at it in the computer lab."

_"Ugh."_ I tucked my head between my knees. "Marco, forget the coffee."

"Atta girl. Marco Special, coming right up."

Cassie continued to scroll down the news article, her eyes getting wider. "Oh. My. Well. If there's anything good about this, it's that creativity in America is certainly still thriving."

"Ughhh."

She eyed me over the top of the computer. "You know, even if you did fool around a little bit with someone, that's not like a bad thing."

"_Ughhhhh."_

Marco handed me some random thing in a glass and I gulped it down, letting it burn my throat. Svetlana tutted at my appalling behavior. I glared at her and she decided not to make any more clicky dolphin noises. Marco took a seat on the sofa across from us, and Svetlana got up to sit on his lap, despite the large expanse of room on the cushions next to him. Cassie and I shared a discreet look.

"So, this thing with Bob Greenfield," Marco started, taking a sip of his own drink and letting his concubine have the rest.

Cassie nodded and pushed her notes across the table to him. Marco was just reaching out to grab them when his cell phone started to ring in his pocket, under Svetlana. She giggled.

"Eet eez on vibrateeng," she said huskily. She reached down to slowly grab the phone from his pocket. I almost vomited in my empty glass and Cassie averted her eyes upward. Marco at least had the decency to look embarrassed at the woman's behavior as he took the phone from her. Svetlana snarled hungrily into his ear. He answered the phone.

"Hey. Oh, yeah, Cassie and I are going over the notes now. Uh-huh. Yeah, we'll be ready for pick-up by 7 or so. It's a short ride to the station. Yeah, okay, cool. Bye."

He hung up.

"Was that Kono?" Cassie asked. Kono was Marco's long-suffering personal assistant. Her, I actually liked.

"Yeah, she's gonna have Jim bring the limo back around in an hour or two." To Svetlana, he said, "Sweetie, I gotta work tonight. I'll see you bright and early tomorrow for the photoshoot?"

Svetlana pouted, but slinked off his lap and got her purse.

"I vill miss you every minute until then!"

She stuck her tongue down so deep down Marco's throat that I was getting nauseous and then giggled and pranced her way out the front door, where one of Marco's valet staff had already driven up in her Porsche. We looked at Marco. He blushed.

"She has _really_ good taste in music."

* * *

Marco was all business once his girlfriend left. He opened a powerpoint of his own notes and compared them to Cassie's handwritten ones. They discussed strategies to get more of the American people on their side and how to stick it to the Andalites without sounding too forceful. Rumor was, the government was planning to allow them a base here on Earth. We didn't want to step on any toes.

I put a few suggestions out there, but my heart really wasn't in it and I purposefully faded into the background, trying to refocus on American Lit.

Half an hour later, Sakurako Kono stopped by. I was genuinely pleased to see her. She was young, actually still just a senior political science major at Blythe University with me. Marco met her at some rally a year ago and they hit it off. They hit it off so well, actually that I was sure they would eventually start dating. We were surprised to learn that he instead hired her as his personal assistant and unofficial PR rep for her undergrad internship. She was excellent at her job, had wonderful public speaking skills, and would do great things in Washington some day.

It was tough to get a job in the big leagues, though. She passed up an internship with some Congressman she hated to get her foot in the door someplace else. Lucky for her, she met the most famous man in the US. You could say a lot of things about Marco, but he was a networking dream. Kono was fantastic at organizing all of Marco's entertainment businesses, she was even better at managing the press, but where she really excelled was this. Politics.

"Hey, guys!" Kono greeted brightly. She hugged Cassie and I. "Rachel! I didn't know you were coming! I thought you would be busy with school stuff. I remember what freshman year was like."

I pointed forlornly at my small stack of books.

"Oh. Don't worry, it'll go by quick. It did for me, anyway." Kono shook her head. "I can't believe I'm graduating in May. But hey, if that's American Lit with Professor Olu then I can definitely help you with that."

"Thanks."

"You haven't decided on a major yet, have you?" she sat down next to me and started looking over my syllabus. Kono was a tiny little spitfire. Shorter even than Cassie, she didn't look remotely formidable, but the girl did not stop moving. Ever. And nothing wore her out. When she walked, you had to jog to keep up. When she talked, you had to listen carefully because she had a lot to say and only a little time allotted in her busy life to say it. When she set her mind on something, it was going to get done. Hard.

Unfortunately, she didn't have time to wait, either. Her near complete lack of attention span sort of counteracted her inhuman productivity.

"Oooh. This test? He reuses the same questions every year, just mixes the order around. I can help you with that." She winked and I expressed my undying gratitude. Behind me I could feel Cassie's burning disapproval and Marco's glowing pride.

She was one of the only people I met after the war that I could actually call a friend, but I was soon forgotten as she handed the syllabus back to me, complimented me on growing my hair out, and joined Marco and Cassie's huddle. I re-opened my collected works of Edgar Allen Poe, feeling a bit like I had just been tossed by a whirlwind.

Cassie tapped me on the shoulder an hour later and I sat up, unsticking my face from the pages of the book I'd fallen asleep on.

"Rach? The limo's here. We're heading out, you sure you don't want to come?"

"And end up on Yahoo! News again? No thanks," I grumbled.

Kono frowned. "I read that. Sorry."

Marco grabbed a remote and turned on his stupidly big TV. The screen made the entire room light up.

"We're on channel 7 in two hours! Until then, I have movies in that cabinet over there, and you're free to do whatever you want." He handed me the remote and pointed at one of the touchscreen buttons. "That one is the hot tub. It comes up from the floor right there."

I couldn't even scowl at him, I was so amazed.

"We'll be back by like, 11 at the latest," Cassie said. She looked at Kono and she nodded in confirmation. "Probably earlier than that. You should be fine though, since your first class doesn't start until 10-something in the morning."

"Kono's gonna help me field the press after the show ends," Marco said. "We already have an escape car ready for Cassie. It'll bring her back here to get you and then get you guys home."

Cassie waved and was out the door with Kono, giggling about something. Marco hung back to grab his coat.

"Hey, Rachel," he said, almost whispering. "I, uh, I didn't just ask you to come so you could nap on my couch."

"Yeah?"

"I wanted to give you this," Marco went over to his closet and handed me a laptop. "A college present."

I quirked an eyebrow. "Thanks, but you know I already have a computer. And that I barely know how to use it."

"Not like this one. I had some Andalite assistance fiddling with it. Untraceable, undetectable. Able to draw wifi from a mile away, and cracks all network security passwords for access."

"What do you think people _do_ in college?!"

He grinned. "No idea."

"You wanted me to come here just to give me a computer?" I asked skeptically, taking it anyway. It looked pretty fancy. I could give my other one to Jordan, who would be starting her junior year of high school next month

"Not just that," Marco tapped the lid. "There's a file on the desktop. I want you to open it."

"A file you could have just emailed me if you wanted," I said, flipping over the top. Matte screen, anti-glare. Light-up keyboard. Large trackpad. Fancy.

Marco sighed and shut the laptop so I would pay attention. "I kind of just wanted to see you. It's been a while."

I studied him closely. Before the war, we were barely acquaintances in school. Just that kid that hung out with my cousin Jake. During the war, we could loosely be considered friends. We saved each others lives on practically a daily basis. We laughed. We clashed. We fought. We made up. We needed each other. But other than the Animorphs, we had no connection. I would have thought that after the war, we would have just gone back to being acquaintances. Polite nods in public, the occasional Christmas card, stuff like that. It was strange, that Marco and I kept up a relationship when we no longer had to. Why try to be close to me now, when the only times the two of us really tried to reach out emotionally were...

I scowled. The only time we were really that kind was when I went to visit him after we tried to assassinate his mother, Visser One. I also remembered during our Royan Island mission, I lied and pretended to hear his mother escape on an invisible ship. He knew I was lying to make him feel better, and thanked me for it. We were really only ever this awkwardly nice to each other when one of us was to be pitied.

Did Marco pity me?

"We saw each other at the Fourth of July banquet thing, remember?" I said finally.

"Yeah, well, that was like a month ago and I don't hear from you much anymore. Other than what I hear from everyone else. Cassie, Kono, and even Toby. I know Jake and Tobias haven't been keeping in touch with you either, so I can't get anything from them."

I narrowed my eyes. Marco did pity me. For my life, or lack thereof? Did he know about my secret out-of control morph incidents? Of course not. He just felt sorry for me, the fact that the media picked on me and that I didn't fit quite as well into this world as him and Cassie. He pitied me like he pitied Jake and Tobias.

"I'm fine. You have my number if you really need to be in my business," I grumbled, trying hard not to be angry. "Don't call me though. Text me. I can only deal with hearing your voice every so often, and you're already in every radio commercial."

Marco laughed. "I'll text you, then."

He started to walk out the door, but I grabbed his shoulder.

"Wait. Um, thanks."

He shrugged, without turning around. "No problem, Rach."


	3. I - Username and Password

_**I.**_

* * *

**CHAPTER THREE - Username and Password**

* * *

Even after eating all of the snacks from Marco's bar, taking a nap on his massaging couch, and generally enjoying the crap out of Marco's ridiculous mansion, I was able to plow through my homework. School was familiar. Homework was easy. I got straight A's even as a teenager fighting in a secret war with aliens. It was one of the few things I was actually good at.

What I wasn't good at was being on TV. Thankfully, Cassie and Marco had done extremely well on their show, which I watched from Marco's hot tub in my morphing suit while sipping on a large mug of coffee. They presented their point clearly and concisely, and managed to knock back every ball lobbed in their court by the Andalite team. Based on last night, it looked like the tide was swaying in favor of keeping the Visser Earth-side. I was proud of them, despite not caring about the issue at all.

After their segment, they ran a piece about the Initiative, the terrorist group actively protesting aliens taking residence on Earth. I was mildly interested, since the Initiative had been picking up in activity lately. Hateful graffiti on the Hork-Bajir offices, flyers and pamphlets thrown around the streets, even some violence against the known supporters of Hork-Bajir colonization. For the sake of my friends I tried to keep up with that news, but they were nothing compared to the Yeerks and we were all more than capable of taking care of ourselves. Plus, we had the advantage of the world knowing all about it and the government actually being on our side.

Still, I managed to stave off sleep for_ almost_ the entire thing. Almost. When Cassie returned to the mansion, she found me zonked out and pruney with my head barely above the water line of Marco's hot tub. When she splashed me, I woke up in such a panic that I nearly drowned in two feet of bubbly water.

So I was grumpy the next morning in class, and I did not take very kindly to the airhead at the next desk asking me why I wasn't on TV last night. Or her boyfriend, who was leering. I politely told them to turn around or else they'd find their piping hot pumpkin spice lattes burning holes in their laps. My Economics class quickly learned not to mess with me in the morning.

Afterwards my mood had calmed a little, but only a little, which was why Ben was treading so lightly when we met up in the library.

"Rough night?" he asked, grinning. Ben had the bright-eyed and bushy-tailed look of someone who'd gotten at least six hours of uninterrupted, worry-less sleep in a dry bed. Even his Green Lantern t-shirt was a bright, annoyingly neon green. Everything about him just seemed glowingly happy.

Saying, "Yeah my billionaire friend made me visit his mansion because he thinks I'm a loser and I almost drowned in a hot tub that comes up from the floor," just didn't seem like the thing to say.

"I guess," I said simply. "Good to know I look like shit, though, thanks."

"No problem."

At my acidic expression, he held up his hands.

"I'm kidding. You're kind of amazingly stunning." He blushed, realizing he'd overstepped, and plowed forward quickly. "You just seem a little more down today, that's all. The other Animorphs, Cassie and Marco, they did really well last night and I thought that would put you in a good mood."

"No, yeah, I'm proud of them," I said. I left it at that, and chose not to jump down his throat for the stunning comment. He at least had the sense to realize I wasn't into it. People had been abusing flattery like that to try and control me my entire life, at this point strangers telling me I was pretty just made me mad. Now, if Ben didn't take the hint that I didn't want to talk about last night, he was about to learn what my Economics class just did.

Thankfully, he took the hint and stepped aside, walking me out of the atrium into the main library.

"Where are we going? I thought the computers back that way." Ben was going to help me set up school accounts, and while I was no expert in the subject, I was pretty sure you needed a computer to do that. Not that I was looking forward to going to the computer lab. From what I saw it was crowded, packed full of people who were going to gawk and whisper awful rumors that would end up on all the gossip websites by this evening.

"There's a set of stairs at the back, next to the row of TA offices." He led me down a row of bookcases that I swear got dustier and dustier the further we got. I could see the TA offices he was talking about, little more than claustrophobic glassed-in cubicles inhabited by hunched-over grad students. At the very end was a large metal door that read, _Emergency Exit Only. Alarm Will Sound._

"Uh, are you sure...?"

Ben shoved the door open, and the only alarming sound was the high-pitched shriek of its rusty hinges. One of the TA's stuck her head out of her office and shushed us.

"This fire alarm's been broken forever," Ben explained, holding the door open for me. "I discovered it freshman year."

"Well, that totally makes me feel safe in a building stacked with old paper books and splintering wooden tables." We climbed a set of creaking stairs, riddled with cracks and cobwebs. "Where does this even lead, the dungeon tower?"

Ben laughed and shook his head. "Just more library, but nobody ever goes to this back section. That's why I like it. Sometimes I just want to be alone, nothing but peace and quiet."

"I know the feeling," I said. Silently, I noted that he was probably bringing the wrong person up here to his secret spot. Peace and quiet didn't exactly follow me around.

We emerged into what looked just like the rest of the library, if it had been abandoned for fifty years in a post-apocalyptic universe. The musty smell startled me for a moment and Ben looked at me sympathetically before propping the door open.

"It just needs to air out for a couple minutes," he reassured me.

The bookcases were packed more tightly together than downstairs, and there were no TA offices. Not even a grad student wanted to work up here. I inspected the spines of the books and realized they were all in Russian. Blythe University didn't have a Russian program. At least, they didn't anymore. Maybe they did back in the 70's, the last time it seemed like this study room was used.

"In 1978 the government discovered a conspiracy right here in this room," Ben said. "It turned out that Russians were sending spies to the US and they were undercover here at the university during the Cold War. They found weapons in hidden compartments, advanced computers, even a couple dead bodies in bags."

"Seriously?!"

"No. God, that was too easy. Are you sure you saved the galaxy?"

He chuckled even as I pushed him into a moldy-looking chair. Dust flew out of it and billowed in the air like smoke. There was a single large desk with three monitors and three sets of keyboards that looked like they were at least from the 90s. I noticed they were all covered in a fine layer of dust, except the middle one where I had shoved Ben.

"Sorry, I'm the only one who ever uses these, never really needed to clean them off." He pulled a Lysol wipe out of his backpack and started wiping down the computer to his left. "At least I came prepared!"

I dusted off the other chair and sat dubiously, coughing. "Are you sure these computers even work?"

"Of course. I'm the one who fixed them!" In a lower voice, he whispered, "But don't tell anyone. As far as everyone else on campus is concerned, these are broken and this room is useless."

I booted up my computer and was mildly surprised that it turned on at all. Ben was beaming at me and it was strangely endearing, considering he was making me breathe book mold and sit in a chair that might give my butt tetanus or whatever. But apparently, being alone with computers was one of his favorite things.

"To log in to Windows the username is Student and the password BlytheU," Ben explained, once the window popped up on my screen. I followed his instructions and watched as he opened up his own browser and logged into the school system.

"Your school ID is the ten numbers on the back of your ID card." He flipped over his own to show me. "Or you can use the default username - your last name and first initial. The password is your last 4 digits of your social and the first two letters of your last name."

I stared as he typed "WenB" into the username box.

"Your last name is Wen?"

"Yeah."

_"Ben Wen?"_

He grinned. "Benjamin Wen. My older brother's name is Kenneth, and I have a little sister named Jennifer."

"Ken, Ben and Jen Wen. My God, you guys never had a chance."

"Well, at least it finally put that smile on your face." He gently bumped the bottom of my chair with his sneaker. Ben was quickly becoming one of the most likable people I had met in a while. Still, I looked away, embarrassed for even thinking it.

"My last name and first initial." I repeated his instructions as I typed. I punched in the last four digits of my social and was greeted by the Blythe University student portal.

He proceeded to walk me through setting everything up, and it wasn't too long before I had a school email, E-Learning account, and against my better judgement, a campus meal plan. I also officially had a parking permit on campus, since technically I had been parking illegally since yesterday.

"I doubt it matters," he shrugged. "Like anyone wants to be the guy that gives Rachel Berenson a parking ticket, right?"

When I had first registered for college it had seemed overwhelming, but Ben had made it all much simpler. The process for submitting assignments online was kind of a nightmare, but Ben assured me it got easier.

"Actually, there's a little trick you can do to buy yourself some time if your paper's late," he said, pointing. "It doesn't work all the time, but if you upload a corrupted file as a Word document, like ninety percent of the professors here will think it's an honest mistake and just email you telling you to upload it again. Boom, you have another few hours to finish."

I stared at him blankly.

"Just don't tell a lot of people. I don't really want it spreading around, then I'll never get away with it."

"Dude, I couldn't even if I wanted to."

He shrugged. "Just hit me up if you need me, I'll do it for you."

"Thanks a lot," I said gratefully. "You're a lifesaver."

"No problem," Ben said. "Hey, I have an hour to kill before my engineering study group and I was going to grab some food. You want to try out your new meal plan?"

I looked at my watch. Toby's press conference didn't start until six. It was just after four in the afternoon. I knew the press conference would be held by the old Hork Bajir colony, which was an hour away from campus. Toby Hamee and a few dozen of her Hork Bajir had stayed behind at their original forest valley, partly because it was virtually impossible to get to as anything but a Hork-Bajir, but also because it was relatively close to the city. While most of her people had migrated to the reservation in Yellowstone, Toby's new role in government meant she needed quick access to a major government body.

She was a Hork-Bajir worried about her commute to work. The world truly had changed.

"I can probably pick up a snack," I decided.

"Awesome!" He grabbed his backpack and pushed in my chair for me. "I know the perfect snack. Come on, it usually sells out by this time but if we run, we can make it. Lucky for you, I have super cool dining hall connections."

Ben led the way and during our ten minute sprint across campus, I got to know a little bit more about him. He was originally from Canada, even more originally from China, and his family had moved to Pismo Beach when he was in high school. He was just about a year older than me, having just turned 20 over the summer, while my 20th birthday would be in March. His brother Ken was ten years older, a firefighter and semi-pro football player that lived in San Diego with his wife of less than a year, and his sister Jen was a star soccer player in high school, the same age as my sister Jordan. His parents were both music teachers and part-time musicians in a wedding band. Ben didn't have any of his family's musical talent or athletic ability. His passion was mathematics and technology.

"I'm the only one in my family to actually follow through with the Asian stereotype." He wagged a finger at me. "But before you make any Asian jokes, you should know that I'm kind of a grandmaster of blonde jokes."

"Oh please, you're too polite to make any blonde jokes..._eh?_"

"Ah, Canadian jokes."

"Don't know what you're talking _aboot_."

"Cute."

We arrived at the dining hall and the moment I stepped inside, the entire cafeteria fell silent. It was as if I flipped a switch. I was relatively accustomed to this, but one glance at Ben made it obvious he was not. He was looking down at his shoes.

"This is weird," he muttered, as everyone stared. I could still feel their eyes on me, but I knew just as many were on Ben. He was blushing.

"I'm sorry. We don't have to stay here," I said quickly, hating myself for being so stupid. This happened everywhere I went. I should have known I was dragging Ben around to suffer it with me. This guy found himself a secret quiet spot in the _library, _he was definitely not the type to like attention.

"No, it's okay."

To our left, I heard someone whisper, _"I know that guy. It's Benjamin Wen, he's in my engineering class."_

Ben would be in the tabloids by this evening.

"This was a mistake." I grabbed his arm. "Come on - "

"No, wait."

I sighed. "Okay, but I'm going to take off. Maybe they'll leave you alone if I - "

"Not til you try the Dirt Cups."

"Dirt what?"

He looked at me and I was surprised to find a small, tentative smile on his face. His head was still low, but he still managed to look excited.

"Crushed Oreos, chocolate pudding, and gummi worms."

"That...sounds disgusting."

He seemed moderately offended by that, but led me to the line anyway. I set my chin and pressed my lips into a thin line as a warning to the dining hall. Most people understood and looked away, but that didn't stop the hushed whispers.

The Dirt Cup line was ridiculously long, longer even than the grill and sandwich stations combined. The rack was stocked with nothing but clear plastic cups of what looked like, well, dirt. Each brandished three or four rainbow colored gummi worms, pressed in to look like they were squirming out of the cookie and pudding concoction. I made a face.

"Are you kidding me? I thought people in college were supposed to be smart."

"Would you just come on?"

I remembered yesterday, when everyone in the library was quick to help me out, how everyone in all my classes tried to give me something, falling over themselves to talk to me. Not in this line. It looked like some of them might have wanted to let me cut in front of them, but the Dirt Cups had some kind of weird effect on them. These people were more focused on getting Dirt than staring at Ben and I. Soon, people started to focus on their Dirt Cups and the volume picked up again. We were all but forgotten. Ben started to look a little more comfortable.

"I'm gonna be honest, I kind of thought having you here would bump us up closer to the front of the line."

"Normally I think that's what would have happened," I admitted. "I mean, I hate to be that kind of celebrity, but what's _wrong_ with these people?"

"I'm telling you. Dirt Cup Day is serious." He clutched his hands together in anxiety. Actual visible anxiety. "Can you see how many are left? Do you think there's gonna be enough?"

"I'm still trying to grasp the concept of all you guys popping boners about crushed Oreos."

Suddenly, a boy swept over and punched Ben in the shoulder. He grimaced and shoved him away.

"Ow, dick."

"Hey, Ben." The guy took another playful shot, but Ben managed to reach and get an arm around his neck and trap him in a headlock. The guy looked at me cautiously from Ben's armpit. "Oh, um, hi."

"Rachel, this is my roommate, Gary."

I nodded, amused. "Nice to meet you... Wait, you mean _name tag_ Gary?"

Ben released Gary, who straightened and pulled off a hairnet to run a hand through his shaggy brown hair. He was shorter than me and chubby, with slightly grease-streaked glasses. I noted he was wearing a dirty apron and plastic gloves.

"We both work for campus dining services," Ben explained. "We do rotating shifts at all campus dining halls, coffee kiosks, school carnivals and other events."

Gary nodded. "You two come for some Dirt?"

"Do you even have to ask?"

Gary ducked away and returned a minute later with two cups of the holy Dirt. Some of the people in our line glared at us enviously. "I told Harvey at the register to let you guys cut in front of the line so you can just pay."

"You didn't have to - " I started to say.

"Anything for a space princess!" Gary grinned at Ben, who blushed and whacked his shoulder.

"Sorry. When he grows up he's gonna be that embarrassing Uncle that nobody wants to talk about."

Harvey rang us up, but not before boldly asking me for an autograph. It seemed only fair, since I had agreed to cut the line. But after that, a whole bunch of other students started to come over, asking me to sign random things. An empty plate, a napkin, a banana peel. Ben had to wedge himself in between me and a guy trying to get me to sign his chest before we finally got to sit. Not to protect me, but to prevent me from lashing out. At least _he_ could tell I was getting annoyed.

But that didn't stop an old man with a mop from asking me to autograph it. I clenched my fists.

"Do you want to get out of here?" Ben asked finally. "My dorm is that building out there."

"Yes, please."

We picked up our untouched Dirt Cups and rushed out the door. Ben guided me into North Hall, past a group of students chattering excitedly about, of course, Dirt Cup Day.

He lived on the third floor, room 323. When he opened it up, I was greeted by the dorkiest room I had ever seen. There were two beds against either wall. One was surrounded by posters of Japanese cartoons, giant robots, busty women, and what looked like a huge wooden sword with a blade made of thin bamboo stalks mounted on the wall.

I looked at Ben.

"That's a _Shinai_," Ben said sheepishly. "You know, a kendo stick. It's a, uh, Japanese weapon. Gary's really into all that stuff."

"You seem to know a lot about it too," I snorted.

"I just absorb it off him unwillingly!" He said defensively. Ben's side was only slightly less hilarious. There were Jurassic Park and Star Wars posters, along with some others with sayings that I didn't understand, but Ben explained they were video games, math and engineering jokes. A "Periodic Table of Awesome" hung over his desk, where I saw he had an extensive collection DVD's. I started to peruse and soon realized no, they were all actually video games.

"So you're a gamer?" I recognized the Playstation 2 hooked up to his computer monitor. Under his desk, his computer tower was massive, glowing blue with what looked like green and white neon tubes inside.

"Guilty."

"That's some hardcore nerd-puter you've got under there," I laughed. "Let me guess, you built it?"

"Guilty again," Ben said proudly.

"That's really, really cool." In my head, I couldn't help but think _"for a human"_. Marco might be impressed, but I wondered what Ax would say about it.

Refocusing, I noticed an open video game box on top of the computer and picked it up.

"Half-Life 2?"

"Oh yeah, it just came out and I already beat it last week. It's literally my favorite game ever. The original Half-Life came out in like, 1998, so this sequel was a long time coming. I hope we don't have to wait that long for Half-Life 3!"

I actually sort of enjoyed his dork-babbling. People always seemed at their most endearing when talking excitedly about something they loved. When Tobias found the perfect thermal, it was like -

I coughed and looked at the game box again.

"Is he holding a crow bar?"

"Yeah, that's one of his weapons. Gordon Freeman has guns and stuff too, but those require ammo. There's actually an entire level where there's like no ammo around and its terrifying because he has to rely on his smarts, setting traps and yeah, swinging that crowbar around. See, it's about these aliens, these, headcrabs. They're kinda like inter-dimensional aliens that latch onto a person's head and...control...them..." He trailed off. "...Annnd I'm being an idiot."

"Whatever, it's fine."

"It's not like the Yeerks, or whatever. They're from another dimension, because there was this botched experiment at Black Mesa and...I'm explaining this badly, but basically you shoot and whack at aliens with crow bars."

I raised an eyebrow.

"It's a lot cooler than it sounds."

"Uh-huh."

"I'm a lot cooler than I sound too, I swear." He snickered at that. Ben was a big nerdy loner. Apparently, I had a type.

I shook off the thought. I had barely even known Ben for twenty-four hours. Still, I was already noticing what made Ben someone worth my time. It was the same kind of thing that attracted me to Tobias. He was a private person, obviously. Only instead of wide open skies he preferred small, quiet places, away from other people. Old, dusty library corners and this mancave of a dorm. Ben was kind, gentlemanly in a way that I didn't mind. He'd hold a door open for me, but wasn't pushy with his chivalry. He knew better than to pay for my food or fight my battles with autograph-seeking douche bags.

But that's where Ben's similarity with Tobias ended. Ben was tall, with large hands and feet, but he walked with the confidence of someone who'd lived in his particular body all his life. He had a smile I didn't need to wait for, didn't need to work for, it was just always there. He was unscarred, unbroken by war. His life was nice, his childhood sounded loving, and he had a bright future ahead of him. Ben was our complete opposite, as unlikely a match for me as any one person could be.

Yet it was Ben, not Tobias, that stood there with me, laughing and trying to convince me that eating something that looked like plant food was a good idea.

I patted his arm jokingly. "It's okay, let's stop this here before I start_ really _judging you, and just eat our cups of slop."

Ben chuckled and pulled out his desk chair for me to sit in. Then he plopped down on his bed and handed me a spoon. I looked down at the cup dubiously. It looked like what he had said - layers of crushed Oreo with chocolate pudding in between and a couple of rainbow gummi worms.

"Bon Appetite!" He declared, digging into his Dirt and groaning in delight. "I fucking _love_ Dirt Cup Day."

I helped myself to a spoonful. My eyes widened.

"Oh..._shit._"

"Right?!"

I shoveled another into my mouth. "It's like, its just the right amount of mushy and crunchy and chocolately. And the gummi worms are perfect. Oh, my _God._"

"_Right?!"_

"When I die, I want my coffin buried in this stuff."

"I think it has actual healing properties, Rachel, I really do."

"Whoa, my vision just got better. I can see leaves on trees now, I can see them all individually!"

"I can hear things from miles away."

"I think I can read minds."

We dissolved into a fit of incoherency, choking on our Dirt as we tried to out-ridiculous each other. I had no idea if the Dirt Cup was actually as delicious as it felt, or if it was just because I was thoroughly enjoying hanging out with Ben, but for the first time in a while, I was definitely in a good place.

* * *

After Ben ran off to his class, I started to drive up to the Hork-Bajir colony, not particularly in any kind of rush. If I played my cards right, I could miss Toby's press conference and the media completely and just hang out with them after. I had warned Cassie ahead of time that I would be late, but I still felt a little bad about it. Toby was a fellow warrior, she fought alongside us in that last battle and lost her father, Jara Hamee in the Final Battle. She was an Animorph in all ways except the obvious. Her people sheltered us while we were on the run. The Animorphs and the Hork-Bajir had a deep bond, forged in years of war and hardship.

But I just really, really hated reporters.

As I approached the base of the mountain ridge that hid and protected most of the Hork-Bajir colony, I could see trucks and vans lined up nearly a mile from the stage. The roads were teeming with people, cameras, and other equipment. Some people had even driven up in RV's, like they were going to go camping. I was definitely missing most of this thing. With all of the traffic, I couldn't simply drive up to the press conference.

_One does not simply walk into Mordor, as Ben would say._

_Wow, Rachel. _

I hushed the bored internal dialogue with myself and waited for all the cars to move. It was just two lanes going opposite directions, with only forest on either side. I considered for a moment just ditching my car in the trees and morphing into the bald eagle, but I didn't want to randomly leave my car somewhere with all these people around. Not that anyone would ever realize the nondescript Toyota hidden in the woods belonged to one of the most famous people on the planet.

The traffic was really taking forever. I could hear impatient honking in the distance. Someone dared to beep behind me and I shoved my middle finger out the window.

"We're all trapped here too, buddy!" I shouted.

"I'm not trying to go forward, I'm trying to get room to turn around!" The woman behind me yelled.

"Turn around...?"

That's when I noticed the flashing lights ahead of us. Police. Fire trucks. Ambulances. It wasn't just car horns I was hearing, it was sirens. My eyes shot to where I guessed the stage was in the distance. A thin plume of smoke rose from it, and people were running from the scene. People were honking their horns not to get closer like I had thought, but trying to get away. Already, I saw some cars off-roading through the trees, trying to escape.

"What the hell?!" I grabbed my phone. The ringer had been off the entire time, since this morning when I silenced it for class. When I flipped it open, there were three missed calls from Cassie and one from Kono. Cassie had also texted me twice.

_Rachel, stay where you are don't come to the press conference!_

_Something's happened, find somewhere safe._

One voicemail from Kono. I listened frantically.

_"Rach, there was some kind of...I don't know, explosion or something. It was like a - Cassie!? Cassie where are you go - wait! Cassie! What is that - whoa, holy shit - !"_

The message ended abruptly. I tried desperately to call them both back, but it went straight to voicemail on Cassie's phone and I got a busy signal on Kono's. And it wasn't like Toby had a cell phone, she did most of her communication through Cassie and her coworkers.

_"Fuck."_

I swerved off the road, causing some others to cry out in alarm, but I ignored them. I plunged through the woods, nearly sideswiping off one of my mirrors on a tree. I wanted to get deep enough in the woods before morphing. My car nearly drove itself into a creek, completely splattered in mud, but I didn't care. Ahead, I could see cars plowing madly in the opposite directions through the trees just like I had.

I morphed.

* * *

**Author's Note:** _Half-Life 3 Confirmed._


	4. I - Changes

_**I.**_

* * *

**CHAPTER FOUR - Changes**

* * *

High above the trees I could clearly see that half of the fairly small stage they had whipped up was demolished. My eagle eyes saw every bit of debris, even the particles of dust still settling in the air. Chairs and tables had been upturned, and I could see where the press had at one time been been roped off. The guard rails were completely thrown askew and the reporters were all running for their lives from the big fire feeding off of the dry grass and leaves of the forest. From where I was, it looked like there had been not one, but_ two_ explosions. The second fire was consuming what looked like what was once a refreshments table. The platter of pigs in a blanket was going up in flames.

I couldn't see Cassie or the others anywhere. I swooped down in a panic.

[What's going on?!] I shouted at the closest group of cops I could find. They jumped and in a second, I had half a dozen guns aimed at me as I shot past them. I wheeled around for another pass. [Would you fucking _chill_ with those things?]

"Rachel? Rachel Berenson?"

[No, some _other_ bald eagle.]

"It's Rachel Berenson," one of the cops, a bald man with a mustache, said into his radio strapped to his shoulder. "It's okay, stand down."

[Okay my feathery endangered _ass!_ What the fuck happened here?!]

"There was an attack. Someone planted a bomb under the stage and by the refreshments table. Between ten and fifteen injured. One confirmed death."

[Cassie? Toby? Tobias? What about Mar - Ko - _Kono!_]

I caught sight of her pushing past a group of people. Her small frame was practically hidden among all the bodies and I almost lost her, but she shoved her way out of the throng, holding her phone out as far and high as she could reach. She was trying to catch a signal. I ditched the cops and flew towards her.

[Kono! It's me!]

She dropped her phone, startled. _"Rachel!?"_ I saw her mouth moving and read her lips, I couldn't actually hear her voice through all the commotion.

[Are you okay!?]

She nodded, looking around in confusion.

[I'm a bald eagle. I'm flying circles above you. Don't go back in that crowd, you'll get trampled. And pick up your phone, you definitely don't wanna lose that.]

Kono nodded again, this time shielding her eyes with her hand so she could look up. I dipped a little lower and she squinted at me, waving.

[Yeah, that's me. Sorry, can't wave back.]

She made a show of rolling her eyes. Then, she pointed at the mountain, at where I knew the Hork-Bajir colony was hidden.

[The others? They're okay? They went to the colony?]

She gave me a thumbs up, and waggled her cell phone at me.

[They just left you? Oh, wait, duh.] Kono couldn't morph, and she didn't have a Hork-Bajir body or a helicopter. At least one of those things was required to actually get to the colony. [But at least you're okay. What were you trying to do, call me again?]

She shook her head. In the air, she drew a big "M".

[Huh?]

Kono was talking again but this time I could only understand part of what she was saying. _" - I can't get a good signal - can't find my way out - too many people!"_

[Umm...] I widened my circles and tried to scout a path for her. It was easy to forget how limiting it was to be a human being. At least, a human being that didn't have the option to be anything else. [Okay, I'll get you to where the cars are. It's a wide open space, so you should have decent reception there. Your car is the white Honda with the teddy bear air freshener, right?]

She blinked in surprise._  
_

[Eagle eyes are really, really good,] I explained. [There's a Blythe University sticker in the window and you just seem like a Honda Civic type. Anyway, turn to your left. No not that much. Right. I mean, correct. Just run in a straight line through the forest. Don't give me that look, I can see what kind of shoes you're wearing, all right? This isn't ideal for any of us, you know. Good, keep going. Straighten out, you're veering a little too left. In like two minutes you'll get to a sharp ridge. Make a right there. I'm following you, don't worry.]

She jogged, following my instructions while holding her phone out, trying to will signal bars to appear. She wasn't looking much where she was going, apparently deciding to put a lot of trust on me and my eyes.

[Wait, wait, Kono. Stop!]

Kono abruptly stopped running, almost pitching over from her momentum. I swooped down on a low-hanging tree branch near her. She had almost gone right past it.

A large red eye was sloppily spray-painted on the rocky ridge. At the center of the iris where the pupil should have been, there was the letter "I". The paint was still dripping, still fresh.

We stared. Kono had the presence of mind to snap a picture with the camera on her phone.

"I mean, I guessed it was the Initiative, but at least now we know," she said. "They are definitely not happy with the Hork-Bajir numbers increasing on Earth."

[Well, they are fucking with the wrong crowd,] I growled.

Kono looked at me, worried. "Rachel, the first bomb that went off was right under where Cassie was supposed to be sitting. She wasn't there, thank God, but it was done purposely. Whoever put it there knew the exact seating plan of the event, and targeted her in particular. The Initiative isn't just trying to make a statement about the Hork-Bajir. They're after you guys, too. The Animorphs."

I bristled. [We can handle it.]

"If you say so..." she said hesitantly. "Anyway, I've been trying to call Marco. He got caught up at a charity thing in Santa Monica, so he was going to be late. Even later than you. I've been trying to get a hold of him to turn him around." Kono frowned at her phone. "He's the one that told me it would be fine if I left him there, to help Toby. I just don't want him worrying, he's probably already feeling guilty for sending me here in the first place."

She was probably right. If my suspicions about Marco and Kono were accurate, she was _very_ right.

[That's...thoughtful. Yeah, go call him, tell him we're all fine and to stay home. We'll talk to him later. I'm gonna go to the colony, just go in a straight line from here, okay?]

"All right. Be careful."

[You too. And hey, you're gonna wanna take off those cute shoes. The underbrush is soft after the rain last night so your feet will be okay but this mud will ruin that patent leather toe.]

She gave me a familiar look that she had given all of us at one point or another, a pained expression acknowledging our hardships running around barefoot in the woods during the war, mixed with awkward amusement that we still had concerns like ruining a good Nine West sandal.

* * *

I took off to the colony. It was almost entirely dead air the whole way, so it wasn't easy. The Hork-Bajir colony was pretty much where it always had been, settled mostly in a valley ringed by three large mountains. It wasn't a complete secret or anything, but the colony was very hard to get to for someone lacking superpowers. Toby lived there with her mate, Nerf, and about four dozen of her closest family, friends, and other Hork-Bajir - co-workers, I guess. The rest of the Hork-Bajir were largely concentrated in Yosemite National Park and a small portion of Canadian wilderness in the Northern Territories. Part of Cassie and Ronnie's job was to expand their land there, due to their now-thriving population.

In the valley were a few makeshift huts, remnants from when my family and the families of the other Animorphs had to hide out there. The difference now being that they were a little more solid and waterproof, furnished with basic chairs, a computer, and even some limited internet service. The Animorphs paid a shit-ton of money to get the Hork-Bajir wired up so Toby could handle her business without having to trek to the city every single day, and Cassie, Ronnie, and Tobias could do some work there too. We even got Ax to send one of his Andalite buddies to safeguard their system so it would be un-hackable by any human for about a century. Of course, most of this was largely unused by anyone other than us and Toby. The Hork-Bajir didn't need silly things like a roof over their heads and technology was not exactly a concern of theirs, either.

After many very long minutes of huffing and puffing, I finally heard a thought-speak voice in my head other than my own cursing and whining.

[Either Rachel is here, or that's some other bald eagle battling a deadwind trying to get to us.]

[Hah. Hah.] Even my sarcastic thought-speak laugh seemed to be coming out in wheezes.

It was Tobias. My heart started to race. I scanned the valley and easily found him perched in a tree by the tallest of the Hork-Bajir huts. Cassie was inside, with Toby and Nerf. The other Hork-Bajir were just outside or else nearby. It was a rare thing to see, Hork-Bajir didn't generally herd together like that in open spaces. Usually, they were in the trees. But I could guess what they were huddling together about, whispering to each other in hushed Hork-Bajir voices.

[Yeah, no thermals around here today. Cassie and I actually just morphed Hork-Bajir to make it into the valley. Toby convinced us, since she was having absolutely no problem hopping around and climbing trees. It's like she isn't even pregnant.]

I was vaguely annoyed for not thinking of that.

Once I cleared the mountaintop, I relaxed myself into a sloppy dive, not caring about the loose spiral and the mussed state of my feathers. There once was a time that Tobias and I would rate each others dives like in the Olympics, making fun of each other's scores, style, and technique. This particular dive was maybe a two out of ten, points off for the wide spiral and poor tail feather angle. My initiation technique was also completely off and feather adjustments were out of sync. Definitely a two.

We didn't do that anymore, and I wondered if his absence of critique was as deafening to him as it was to me. I managed to right myself as Nerf came out of the hut. Tobias must have announced my arrival to the others, and Nerf was being ever the gentleman. He held out his arm for me and I stuck the landing perfectly. Maybe that would have gotten me at least a three.

[Thanks, buddy.]

"Hello, Rachel!" Nerf said, weirdly cheerful despite the fact that someone had tried to blow up his wife. Toby's husband, or mate or whatever, was the sweetest creature I had ever met. All the Hork-Bajir had that simple-minded kindness, but Nerf seemed to be the nicest of them all. He doted on Toby and he loved playing host to any sort of company that managed to make it to their home. Toby had even taught him a few human customs, to make the rest of us comfortable on visits. He was the perfect house-husband to Toby's work-mom.

"Welcome! Rachel hungry? Cassie has small meat biscuit for human Rachel or Tobias can have mouse for bird Rachel."

[I think she's going to pass on the mouse, Nerf,] Tobias chuckled when Nerf tried to make him go fetch me a mouse.

"Tobias not mean it," Nerf huffed. "Sorry to Rachel, Tobias not always rude. Hork-Bajir not teach him this. Hork-Bajir never rude."

[It's fine, Nerf, I know Tobias didn't mean to be rude,] I smirked inwardly. [You're very kind, but the uh, meat biscuits sound more appetizing. Somehow.]

Since our break-up, Tobias and I rarely ever spoke or saw each other. When we did, it was usually in the presence of Cassie and there was an unspoken agreement between us that we would be more than just civil. We would go out of our way and fight down any and all feelings to act like we were still friends. Neither of us wanted Cassie worrying, and we didn't want to make a scene in front of any of the Hork-Bajir, so we handled it best we could. It was a struggle to pretend that every word we said to each other wasn't dripping heavily with betrayal, hurt, anger, and maybe a little bit of longing, but we handled it.

[Pigs in a blanket,] Tobias informed me. [Cassie grabbed some to take up with us. We know you love those things.]

[Oh.]

Even that exchange hurt. Even light-hearted ribbing between "friends" was a trial. I almost wanted to stay in my eagle form, to hide how hard it was to talk to him. The expression of a raptor showed nothing. But Nerf gently set me down in the grass, believing that I wanted to demorph. So I did, and was quickly surrounded by Hork-Bajir that were pleased to see me. They all waved, which was their greeting for humans since hugs were pretty difficult with them. They asked if I was okay, commented on how long it's been since my last visit, and asked me if my little fragile human body was cold.

It was like being hospitable was their biggest concern now, not the terrorist organization out to drive their people from the planet.

"Rachel want good bark? This bark very good."

"Very fresh, just from today, from big tree!"

"Bark not for humans," Nerf corrected them. He beamed, proud of being so knowledgable about human food. "Rachel human. She eat meat biscuit. Bird Rachel eat mouse. Only Hork-Bajir Rachel eat bark."

The other Hork-Bajir looked puzzled, as they always did when we had this conversation. It was a difficult concept for them to grasp, but at least it had clearly taken their minds off the bombing, and it took my mind off Tobias. They were now trying to figure out how to prepare human food for the next time we all stopped by. I was grinning by the time they let me into the hut. The Hork-Bajir were innocents in all this. They were adorable and good, and it was infuriating that not everyone saw them that way.

Inside, Cassie was sitting at the computer with Toby leaning over her shoulder, reading the screen. Of course, Tobias could see the just fine from his perch outside.

"So, you guys look okay," I said conversationally, grabbing a folding chair for myself. "All your limbs still attached."

"Hello, Rachel," Toby greeted. "I'm glad to see you're well.

"I'm more glad to see _you_ well." Like with the other Hork-Bajir, hugging or whatever was not exactly an option, but she gripped me up to my elbow and I gripped her around the middle of her forearm. We squeezed, a simple handshake that Toby was still in the process of trying to teach the others. According to her, when the others tried the handshake, they got a little too over-enthusiastic and ran the danger of "accidental decapitation".

I took a good look at her and Toby gently rubbed at her belly, which already boasted a paunch despite being so early along in the pregnancy. I guessed Hork-Bajir gestations were a lot shorter than human ones.

Toby grinned. "I'm fine. We all are."

"Well, congratulations," I looked back at Nerf, who was also smiling widely. "Sorry your parade got rained on."

"Thank you."

Cassie looked at me grimly.

"They forced us to leave, since it was clear we were the targets. They wouldn't even let us help, so we've just been trapped up here reading news reports on the computer. You probably know as much as we do," she said. "Did you manage to find Kono? I was worried about leaving her but we had to get Toby and Nerf out of there, and she was trying to call you and Marco to get you to stay away. Our cell phones weren't working very well. No service."

I nodded. "She's headed to Marco's now. She's fine. But you'll never guess what we found - "

[The Initiative,] Tobias guessed.

"Oh, well, yeah," I said, surprised. "How did you...?"

Cassie pointed at the computer screen. It was a breaking news report about the bombing, and at the very top under the headline was a picture of the Initiative symbol Kono and I had found on the mountain ridge.

_This afternoon was supposed to be a celebration of life, where Toby Hamee was to announce her pregnancy with the next generation of free Hork-Bajir. Instead, the joyous press conference ended in terror as two explosions shocked the crowd, one demolishing half the stage and the other tearing through the audience. _

_Early reports show a scene of destruction, with people fleeing in every direction. At least twenty people have been transported to Downtown Medical Center with life-threatening injuries, with one reported dead on arrival. Another body was found in the debris. There has been no official statement as of yet, but eye-witness accounts have confirmed evidence of terrorism. The above photo was allegedly taken just outside of the forest clearing where the press conference was held. The symbol is said to be the mark of anti-alien terrorist organization The Initiative, and has been left at the scenes of other alien-directed crimes._

_Toby Hamee, her mate, Nerf, and Animorphs Cassie Heyward and Tobias Anders were unharmed and immediately evacuated from the scene by authorities. Other local Animorphs Marco Lanza and Rachel Berenson were scheduled to appear at a later time due to previous engagements and were not present at the time of the explosions._

_There have been no arrests. _

_Story developing..._

"This is bad. Really bad," she fretted, closing out of the news article. "This is the most serious thing they have ever pulled off. _Two_ people died and a bunch of people are in the hospital. Other news stories are saying they think this is the first of a big push. There could be more incidents, probably getting worse each time."

"They're picking the wrong fight," I snarled, my blood boiling in my veins. I could feel the heat in my face. "Did they already forget we fought back an alien invasion when we were kids? We are going to _annihilate_ them."

"Rachel," Cassie warned.

"They killed two people! They tried to kill a pregnant Hork-Bajir!" I cried. "Those motherfuckers are in some deep shit. When I find out who did this - "

[Rachel, calm down,] Tobias interrupted.

"Calm down?!" I rounded on him, bristling. "They think they can even _touch_ us?"

"They could have easily gotten us this time," Cassie pointed out fairly. "It was just by chance I wasn't sitting where the first bomb was at the time. I'm just saying, we have to be careful. We have to be smart. They seem to be. No suspects, no arrests."

I tried to slow my breathing, tried to will the dark red edges from my vision. People were dead. They tried to kill my friends. Both things that happened tons with the yeerks, but humankind hadn't asked for that. It was humankind doing this now, wanting to start different war. We were doing this to ourselves.

The others couldn't see me like this. They couldn't know I still got like this. But I was angry, and I had an enemy. This was my natural reaction.

"Why...weren't you sitting?" I said slowly, through clenched teeth. I had to pretend I could talk normally about this. "In your spot, I mean."

"One of the reporters said it would be a good idea for me to join Toby on stage," Cassie said, looking at me worriedly. "It seemed like a good idea, you know, showing Animorph support. It was also lucky that we were on the other side of the stage, so we weren't hurt too badly by the second explosion. Those poor people, though..."

[We couldn't have done anything, Cassie,] Tobias said. [It all happened so fast, there weren't any visible enemies. There was nothing we could do.]

"I know, but still. I can't help but feel a little bit responsible. We're the ones that gathered everyone there," she sighed. "We made everyone sitting ducks. There was security, but...how could they have missed explosives?"

"I should have agreed to holding the press conference indoors," Toby said sadly. "I always felt more comfortable outside, out here, but it would have been easier for human security to sweep the grounds if it were inside."

[This isn't on you either, Toby.]

I frowned. "I don't like the fact that they planted one of them right where you were sitting, Cassie. It occurred to Kono that maybe they're after us now too. Not just the Hork-Bajir."

"I know."

"Marco's gonna have to fill Jake in on this stuff," I said wearily. The rage was starting to ebb and I suddenly felt very tired. It wasn't as all-consuming anymore, but I could feel it almost like electricity at my fingertips. "He should watch his ass over in Hawaii too, just in case."

"Take care of each other," Toby agreed.

"Yeah." I turned to her and Nerf. "Are you guys going to be okay?"

"What, do you want to send a few humans to protect us?" She smirked.

"Point taken." A couple dozen Hork-Bajir could defend themselves from three times that many armed humans. They were arboreal by nature, literally jumping from tree to tree soaring like monkeys, and so quiet up there that they wouldn't be seen unless they wanted to be. As long as they stuck together in their colony, they were safe from The Initiative or whoever wanted to harm them. They could take care of themselves. It was during those rare moments when Toby and her select few companions came out to address the media, out of their habitat and into the dangerous world of humans, that their lives were in peril.

"We should probably just head home," Cassie sighed. "I'm still kind of rattled by all this, but I think we'll be safe there. No cameras or reporters or anything, they wouldn't bother wasting their resources on coming after us at our private house, would they?"

"Even if they did, we've dealt with way worse." I shrugged.

Cassie looked up at Tobias. "You _sure_ you'll be okay by yourself in your meadow?"

[Yeah, I'll be fine. Like Rachel said, we've had way worse.]

"Tobias stay here with Hork-Bajir," Nerf chimed in. "Nerf and Toby love friends. Many mouse here to eat."

[Thanks, Nerf.]

"And we help Tobias female come here if she want to see you!"

For a moment I thought he was talking about me. I looked at Cassie, alarmed, but she wasn't looking back at me. She was staring at Tobias. It was then that I realized what Nerf had meant.

Toby hastily tried to hush her mate. "Nerf, do not - "

But Nerf was extremely proud of his idea. He shook his head, smiling.

"It no trouble for Nerf."

"No, _kalashi_, do not talk about - "

"Tobias fly to Hork-Bajir easy and Nerf carry red-hair female, no trouble! Toby know female human cannot walk mountain. Human legs very weak, but also easy to carry. If Nerf carry, very easy!"

The silence that followed was as dense as fog.

_Red-hair female._

Nerf looked confused. "What? It bad idea?"

"No, no, of course not," Cassie said weakly. "It's...a fantastic idea. Very helpful. Thank you, Nerf."

"Nerf happy to! Always!"

"_Kalashi_," Toby said, forcing up warm smile. "Can you...uh... _hifrash kil marnard?_"

Nerf delicately put a hand on his mate's belly.

"Yes, always." He politely turned to each of us. "Bye, friends. Toby and _kawatnoj_ hungry. Want to eat bark. Nerf go to get. Everybody stay good!"

He left, completely oblivious to what he had just done. I was frozen, my mouth dry. Cassie and Toby looked at me. I knew Tobias was looking at me too, but I had no idea what expression was on my face. I could not think of a single thing to say.

[She's just a friend,] Tobias said quickly. [One of the reporters. You've actually met her, Cassie.]

"Oh, Heather?" Cassie smiled, an act of betrayal that stabbed me right in the chest. She must have realized this because she forced it off her face abruptly, casting me an apologetic look. She was stuck between a rock and a hard place, wanting to support both me and Tobias, and didn't know what to do. "She was the one who convinced me to get out of my seat and on stage with Toby. Friendly, you know. Uh...very toned down and not as pushy as other journalists."

Toby was just standing there, silently mortified at what her poor mate had started. Even on her Hork-Bajir face I could see that she felt guilty. Unlike Nerf, Toby was a Seer. She understood things that the other Hork-Bajir couldn't. I wanted to tell her it was okay, that I was fine and it wasn't Nerf's fault, but no sound was coming out of my mouth.

"I'm so sorry," Toby gushed. "Nerf doesn't realize. All he knows is that Tobias and Heather are together a lot and he just thinks - "

[We're not 'together' a lot!] Tobias said hastily. [We just hang out. Go over some stuff. She's probably going to write a story on me or something, I don't know.]

Tobias never opened up to the press. Ever. This made my mouth go even drier. He was not meeting up with her just for professional reasons.

"Of course," Toby said. She was looking at us both apologetically. "Still, I'm sorry. Nerf never meant - I mean - "

"Toby, it's fine," I could hear the monotone in my voice as I said it, but it took all the energy I had left just to finally speak.

Cassie tried a change of subject. "Anyway, I think we'll all be fine. I doubt the Initiative will attack again so soon after this event. They got the publicity they needed and this will be on everyone's minds for a long time. I imagine they would channel all their resources into sabotaging public events like this one rather than come after us individually in the privacy of our own homes or whatever. They know what we've been up against, and they know what we can do. They have to be more strategic than just, like, trying to break into Marco's mansion, right?"

[Right,] Tobias agreed quietly.

I barely heard any of it. I brushed off my morphing suit slowly.

[It's not what you're thinking, Rachel.] I could tell Tobias was speaking only to me. Desperately. Cassie and Toby hadn't heard and weren't reacting. [We're just friends, going over some business.]

I didn't respond to him. Instead, I spoke to everyone else.

"I'm glad you're all right. Toby, I want to congratulate you again. I'm happy for you and Nerf, this is really exciting."

"I...thank you."

I nodded. "I wish I could stay a little longer, but I have to go. I have an early morning and a long day at school tomorrow. Plus, I parked kinda far from here and have to get my car before the media circus comes after us."

Cassie got up quickly. "I'll go with you."

"Don't you have to get your own car?"

"That'll take me forever. It's blocked in by all the other vehicles, and I know there are a bunch of reporters and cops hanging back trying to get statements off me there, too."

"So you're just going to leave it behind?"

Cassie was staring at me, trying to read me. I was giving her nothing. I had nothing. The darkness that had started to fill my body just minutes before had drained completely, and now I was empty.

"I...guess not," she relented, deciding to leave me alone.

[Rachel...] Tobias tried again.

But I was already leaving.


	5. I - Join a Club

_**I.**_

* * *

**CHAPTER FIVE - Join a Club**

* * *

"My Friday schedule sucks," I complained. It was seven-thirty in the morning and I had swung into the mostly empty library to grab the largest container of coffee legally allowed a human being. Ben was there, starting to set up the coffee kiosk. He hadn't put on his green apron yet, so I could see his red The Flash t-shirt. I wondered vaguely just how many superhero shirts he had.

He dropped a sack of coffee beans on the counter and looked at me, amused.

"That's the first thing you're going to say? After you and your friends were nearly blown up yesterday?" He snatched the schedule I was waving around and took a look at it. "But wow, yeah, this does suck."

"I know!"

He handed it back to me. "Seriously, are you okay? I was watching the news all night. People actually died! Thank God you guys and the pregnant Hork-Bajir got out of there!"

"It's not really something I feel like talking about," I said. Understatement.

After leaving the others, I went eagle again and powered my way over the mountain. When I was sure I was out of Tobias's view, dropped into a stupid, reckless dive. It was the act of a madwoman, nearly breaking my entire body against the jagged rocks below, but the adrenaline was only just barely enough for me to make it back to my car. There was no way I was getting through the rest of the night without some kind of insane high.

I hadn't even made it halfway home before I was shaking again. The dive wasn't enough. I needed to fight, to kill, to rid myself of the explosive anger that was tearing me apart inside. I was crazy, squeezing my steering wheel so hard I cut grooves into the leather with my nails. My thumb slammed the hazard button and I pulled over at the side of the road just to scream. I would have morphed grizzly and gone back into the woods, my place of escape and shame, if my mother hadn't called just then on my cell phone.

Ben frowned at me, hesitating. "They...they're saying this terrorist group or whatever, the Initiative, is a growing threat. They're not just some measly gang of losers, the FBI is involved now. This could be just the first step of a whole big thing."

"Are you telling me this because you think I don't realize?" I asked sharply. He looked stung and I felt a little bad, but it all sounded especially inappropriate coming from Ben. He was an innocent. He shouldn't have to talk about anything like this.

"I'm just - "

"I know what you're _just_," I snapped, then tried again, more calmly "I've been dealing with it. We'll be fine. Trust me, we have all been through worse. Your concern is...appreciated, though."

Ben looked doubtful. "If you say so. I'm sorry, by the way. I didn't know the press conference was happening until the end of the day when I got to my dorm. I wouldn't have taken you to the dining hall if I knew you had obligations someplace else."

"Don't worry about it. Technically, those Dirt Cups of yours may have saved my life. I missed the press conference completely and wasn't there for the attack." I shrugged. "Anyway, I hate media events."

The shadow of one of his bright smiles was starting to appear. "Not a big fan of reporters?"

"Oh, you have no idea."

Thankfully, it looked like he was going to let it go. I'd had more than enough of this conversation. My mother had been frantic on the phone, yelling at me for not calling her the first minute I could. Lately I made sure to call her once a week, on Sundays, just to make sure she and my little sisters were doing okay or if they needed anything. It was never a long conversation, since my mother and I weren't exactly close. We never really were, even when I was little. She did care, though, whether or not I was blown up. Still, I felt a little guilty that she hadn't been on my mind at all, so I let her gush about the whole thing. About how I have to be careful, blah, blah. It cooled me off at least, so I could make it home without murdering some woodland creature or whatever.

Then Cassie had gone on and on about it when she got home, probably because she wanted to avoid anything that might lead us to talking about Tobias and Heather. Then Marco Skyped us at like midnight and didn't shut up until Cassie noticed I had fallen asleep on the couch. Then Kono called us because she couldn't sleep and wanted to talk about it_ again. _

It was beyond frustrating, to be attacked and have absolutely no plan of retaliation. I wanted to hunt the bastards down and nail them to a wall. In the old days, we would have at least teamed up and formed some kind of plan. Now, all we did was talked. Talk, "be careful", and "let the FBI handle it". It wasn't like I was dying to plunge headfirst into a new war. Not exactly. I just wanted to _do_ something.

But at least Ben knew when to let up. Or else, wait for a better time.

"Well, you better take this." He handed me an extra large cup of coffee. "Because you're about to add the 12-hour school day to your Hate List."

I had a full load of classes, spread out just enough to be annoying. My day wouldn't end until 7 or 8 in the evening. I had managed to avoid a murderous rampage in the forest last night, I wasn't sure if I would get through the day.

I grabbed the schedule and shoved it back into my bag. "On Fridays, of all days!"

"That was such a freshman mistake."

"I am a freshman."

"Well, it's too late to change it," Ben said, smiling sympathetically. "I'll have another coffee ready for you in two hours, after your American Lit class, okay? You'll make it, don't worry."

I thanked him, and even though I turned to leave I knew he was watching me, concerned.

By early afternoon I realized that no, I might not actually make it. Even Ben's second cup of coffee didn't do the trick. My Friday classes were so long because they were mostly lectures, excruciatingly boring lectures where the professors droned on and on in front of a powerpoint presentation at a hundred sleeping students. The twenty minute break in Bio did nothing to ease the pain of a three-hour lecture on fungi.

I thought about wandering back to the coffee kiosk, but I figured it would be crowded for the lunchtime rush. I wasn't even sure Ben was still going to be there, since I hadn't asked him about his Friday schedule. But anyway, I felt like seeing him three times in one day was starting to be a little much.

Thankfully just as I was about to wallow in my loneliness, I got a text from Kono, who was in between classes and wanted to know if I could do a late lunch. We met up at the North dining hall, since thanks to Dirt Cup Day I knew where it was, and picked up a pair of soggy grilled cheese sandwiches. It was refreshing to see her. Everyone in the dining hall was staring at me, as expected, but Kono was used to it because of her job with Marco. She knew how to force people to make space, how to politely keep her cool when telling people I wouldn't be doing autographs today. She even knew how to hold me back when it looked like I was about to lose it.

It was as close to hanging out with an Animorph as you could get without actually being with one of the others.

"How are you doing?"

Instead of answering, I handed her the copy of my Friday schedule.

"That was such a freshman mistake," Kono laughed.

"So I've heard."

She put it down and watched me take a bite out my sandwich before continuing.

"I meant about yesterday, how are you doing?"

I shrugged. "Technically, I wasn't even there. You were. How are _you_ doing?"

"Oh. I'm okay. Me and my shoes made it out of the forest just fine, and I finally got some sleep after I talking to you guys last night."

I took a couple more bites out of my sandwich in silence as Kono struggled with how to steer the conversation into whatever it was she really wanted to talk about. She never seemed calculating or manipulative in a sinister way, it was just her greatest talent. Not that she would ever use her gift against any of us, or negatively at all. I just knew that at any given moment she was trying to get someone around her to do something else.

In this case, I was pretty sure she had heard about Tobias and Heather, or at least guessed something about it after having met her yesterday. Kono was one of the few "outsiders" that knew all about Tobias and I.

"My only advice for your awful Fridays is that Professor Hotchkins puts his Econ powerpoints online and his class is always at least 250 people, so if you wanted to skip one, that's it. Also, you're going to need a lot of coffee."

"I wish that was my last class, so I could just go home early," I sighed.

"Let me have a look at your registration before you submit next semester," she offered. "Maybe we can take a class together. I need one last elective and most of those are open to freshmen. You could use the wisdom of a graduating senior."

"Can't believe you're abandoning me here in May."

"Yeah, you're going to have to make actual friends next year," she teased good-naturedly.

"Ugh."

"I don't see how you could even have trouble with that sort of thing," Kono mused. "You're so great. Not to mention so hot even I wouldn't kick you out of bed."

She was flattering me. There was definitely a reason for that.

"Do you not remember how we first met?"

"Since when is 'headstrong' a bad quality?"

"When you first met me I was kicking a photographer in the kneecaps."

"He deserved it. Although maybe next time maybe you can avoid the kneecap violence and stick with the classics, like throwing your coffee at him."

I snorted. "Right."

"Maybe join a club? If you have any interest in politics at all, I'm an active member of a few..." She trailed off at my expression. "...Okay, dumb suggestion. But it helps to figure out what you're interested in, and then find a group of like-minded people."

"I don't know what I'm interested in."

"Well, I suppose it's hard to think about now, but what about before the war? I know it seems like ages ago, but what did you like doing back then?"

It was actually really easy to recall. Gymnastics. Shopping. Fashion. Secretly enjoying reality television and pop music. The problem was that none of those things were me anymore. Not really. That girl was gone.

"I don't think I'm that Rachel anymore."

She nodded at me supportively. "Well, you're still _some_ kind of Rachel. Off the top of my head I already know you like excitement, fashion, coffee..."

An alarm went off in my head. That was the third time she had mentioned coffee in as many minutes. "Um. I'm into fashion, I guess?"

"I knew it. You're such a sharp dresser," Kono gushed. "America's noticed as well, they run stories on your look at every press event. Even if it's not something you want to pursue, it's at least a starting point. We have a fashion club. There's a fashion _major._ You could even just take some art classes next semester. Eventually you'll find a college life sort of building itself around you. That's how it was for me."

"I'll keep that in mind," I said, trying to at least sound a little inspired. Kono was trying to help me, even though as far as I knew, I was beyond helping at this kind of thing. Noting my discouragement, Kono shrugged.

"Or, you know, serendipity can happen. You could meet someone in as innocuous a place as a coffee kiosk and suddenly have a friend."

I glowered at her. So that's what she had been trying to herd this conversation.

"Oh. Subtle."

"You weren't biting, and you obviously already knew I'm fishing for something," Kono said sheepishly. "It's hard to route your answers. Sure you're not interested in politics?"

"You saw me with Ben this morning?" I asked bluntly. It had to have been this morning, otherwise she would have pounced on me much earlier.

"He's really cute," Kono winked. "And he's super into you. After you left the other day he was all - "

"Wait," I interrupted. "You saw us on _Wednesday?_"

"Uhh..."

She saw her slip-up. There was no way that she could have seen me talking to a strange boy two whole days ago without jumping on me and asking me a ton of questions. That was just how Kono was. Unless... she had been ordered to keep quiet, maybe even asked to keep an eye on us. Someone was holding her back, so I wouldn't find out I was being watched.

"You _creeper__!_ Are you snooping on me for Marco?!"

"The word 'snooping' is so - "

" - _a__ccurate?_"

Kono at least had the decency to look embarrassed.

Marco, of all people. I already knew he pitied me. And I've known for years that he carried around a lot of guilt from our last mission as Animorphs, as all of the others did. It was Jake who had made the final order, asked me to go after Tom and basically sacrifice my life in the process, but everyone else had gone along. To some extent, they all agreed that it was something only I could do, and it was something I should do.

They never told me, but I knew my friends well enough to know how it went down after Jake broke the news to them. While I sped away, alone on the Blade Ship, he must have gathered the others around him and told them what I was doing. That I most likely wasn't going to make it back. Cassie and Tobias would have protested. Cassie would have also felt sorry for Jake. Tobias would have hated Jake's guts. Ax wouldn't have said anything either way, but went along with a heavy heart.

But Marco, no one had to tell me. I knew Marco liked to keep things simple. Point A to Point B. My part in the final mission was essential, and I was the only one who could do it. Cold, hard facts that Marco agreed with. He had no qualms about sending me off to my death. He loved Earth too much, more than he cared for me.

I never blamed him. It was smart. It was actually the exact same attitude Jake and I both had going in. But I knew part of the reason Marco was so interested in my well-being now was that guilt.

Still, fuck Marco and his guilt. He could get me all the laptops and invite me to all the parties in the world, but my life was absolutely no one's business. Least of all his. I wasn't going to let him be my dad just because he felt bad about a good decision.

"He's looking out for you. They just want to make sure you're doing okay."

_"They?"_

Kono buried her face in her hands.

"Jesus. Cassie too?!"

"Rachel, please don't get mad," she pleaded. "Since your break up with Tobias they think you've been getting more and more distant. Like, not quite yourself. And especially now with all this Initiative stuff ramping up and this Heather girl - "

"How do you even know about her, anyway? Cassie?"

"I, uh, well I was at the press conference. I saw them, you know. Talking and whatever."

They were all talking about me. My friends were all talking about me behind my back.

"What the _fuck,_ Kono. I can handle the Initiative. I can handle Tobias, even if he was seeing someone! I'm an_ adult._ You people are _ridiculous._"

"We're your friends! We care!"

I didn't say anything, only glared.

"Come on, don't be mad." She stuck out her bottom lip. "Say something?"

"Why? So you can run off and tell Marco and Cassie?"

"Rachel..."

I got up and yanked my tray off the table. I was getting angry, and as much as I despised Kono for spying on me, for lying to me, I still considered her a friend and I did not want to accidentally deck her in the nose. I had to leave.

"Rachel!"

I dumped the tray and walked out of the dining hall, not caring that maybe fifty people were staring after me.

* * *

I slammed the door as I entered the house.

Cassie was already there. She had ordered a pizza for dinner and was cutting cleanly through the crusts. She hated pulling apart slices by hand, unless they were cut through enough to tear neatly.

"How was class?" She asked calmly.

I had cooled down a bit over the course of the afternoon, successfully resisting the urge to escape into my eagle morph and dive-bomb a couple falcons for relief. I was still plenty mad, though.

"Why don't you ask Kono?" I snarled, grabbing a slice without waiting for her to cut it free and flopping into a chair. She cringed at that. "Or have you already?"

Cassie sighed, confirming that she had been warned ahead of time. "We just wanted to know more about Ben, that's all. Other than Kono, you never talk to anyone outside of us and your family anymore. This guy must be really special if he cracked your shell."

"So ask me about him," I dared her, through a mouth full of pizza.

"You got really evasive and a little cranky last time I tried."

"Because I knew you'd make a big deal about it. Which you are."

"I'm your best friend, I just want to talk about boys. This is completely normal best friend behavior," Cassie reasoned. "At least, I think it is. Normal best friend behavior isn't exactly our slogan."

She made a decent point. We were never normal best friends, never mind the fact that we were polar opposites in every aspect of our personalities. We couldn't even do what girlfriends usually did - talk about boys. She had been obsessed with my cousin. And I was into a bird. I realized for the first time in our lives, Cassie and I were talking about boys who were normal. Our conversations didn't have to involve the words "unholy terror" anymore.

"So you've been spying on me since I started going to school."

"Maybe...a little...before that…"

"_Cassie."_

"Our lives are stressful. Even when big things happen, it only takes a little thing to push us over the edge."

"What are you even - ?"

"Look, don't try to pretend you weren't shaken when we learned about Tobias and Heather yesterday," she said, not even trying to skirt around it anymore. "Whether or not he's actually dating her, that's their business. What really matters is he's making friends, starting to let go of the past. He's starting to move on and - I know, I know it hurts, Rachel - "

I didn't even realize I was wincing. She sat down next to me and took the pizza from my hand. I had been squeezing it so hard, the cheese and grease was dripping out the back.

" - but he's doing the right thing and we just want to know that you're doing well too, Okay? This would all be so much easier if you just _opened up_ to us."

"You guys are such nosy little - "

"Because we_ care_," Cassie said, almost fiercely. "Just talk to us."

"None of this matters," I insisted indignantly. "The Initiative, all those people who were hurt, those people who died. _They_ matter."

"Very much so," Cassie agreed. "But that doesn't mean you don't. The Initiative and all that, that's not on us anymore. You don't get to hide from your problems by taking on new problems you don't need to worry about."

"_Don't need to worry about?!_ They're targeting _us_."

"And the FBI is doing their job. Let them do their job. We don't need to save the day anymore, the Initiative are just regular humans. Regular humans can take care of them."

I glared at her. My face had pretty much been frozen this way for more than twenty four hours, but to my surprise, she glared right back. I didn't want to admit she was right, that maybe it wasn't my place to chase down the bad guys anymore. Then what was?

It was easier to concede that I had been a crappy friend to her, and maybe I could do with opening up a little more.

"I told you Ben's the coffee boy. He's a junior engineering major, a year older than us. He wears the wrong name tag at work sometimes because he's lazy when he does stuff he hates. He's kind of a loner. He's a dork. He's Canadian."

Cassie smiled. "See? Was that so hard?"

"Jerk."

"Honestly, he sounds like someone you would like."

I gave her a look warning her to tread lightly. "I think he could be a nice friend."

"Yes. Of course." She took out her phone and started sorting through her messages. "I heard he was _cute._"

"He's...all right."

She found the text she was looking for and read it aloud._ "Cassie, o-m-g. Rachel's guy is absolutely adorable. It's the coffee boy, and he's super tall with a smile that's - "_

"I'm going to _kill _Kono." I reached over to grab Cassie's phone and delete the text, but she twisted away, laughing.

"It's just really, really good to hear you have a college buddy. That's all," Cassie said, giving me back my pizza. I started to rearrange the cheese on top as she spoke. "We've been worried for a long time, and we just needed a little reassurance you were okay. Making new friends is a sure sign of being okay."

"Yeah, whatever," I muttered.

"We should invite him out. Maybe we can do something, me and Ronnie, you and Ben."

I nearly choked. "We are _not_ double-dating! He's barely even my friend, I've known him for three days!"

"I know, I just think this would be a good way for us to ruthlessly judge our new friends and make sure we're not making any bad decisions."

I considered this for a moment. "We probably wouldn't be able to go _out_, really."

Cassie looked confused. "Why?"

"We didn't exactly have the best experience at the dining hall yesterday. People mobbed me for autographs and stuff. He played it cool, but I'm sure he didn't exactly like that."

"That's awful. You guys just sat in the dining hall being harassed?"

"Nah, we left. He showed me his dorm."

Cassie's playful grin faltered.

"What? I told you, he likes his privacy. He has a special spot in the library, too. I think he has little secret quiet spots everywhere."

"Special spots, like, how you and Tobias had special spots?"

"I guess?" I decided. Tobias and I retreated to the woods for the same reason, and we had several favorite spots that we liked to hang out. There was the brook a mile or so from the Hork-Bajir colony, the clearing where we had our little picnics, the cliff where we first...

"Wait. What are you... you are not thinking what I think you're thinking!" My jaw dropped.

"Of course not!" Cassie protested. She was at least partly lying. She definitely had been thinking about how Tobias and I used to run away alone for Private Time.

"We had lunch!" I cried. "Not even. We just ate Dirt."

"What? Ew?"

"That's all. Nothing happened."

"Okay, I wasn't saying - I was just pointing out you guys had that in common. Privacy and stuff."

"Yeah, right."

"But either way, you shouldn't hold back just because you feel guilty about Tobias. Especially now that he might be...just, if you wanted to - "

"Enough." Now I was mad. This girl talk session had been going so well.

"No, not enough, because I'm not entirely sure its getting through to you!" Cassie exclaimed. "I think you're holding back. You are allowed to see other people! You have been for like, a year now. You are allowed to enjoy things like dating and, I don't know, making out in some secret corner of the library!"

"If you like the idea so much, why don't _you_ go hook up with some dude in the library!"

"Well, maybe I will!"

"Fine, just find Ronnie and go!"

"At least I won't be afraid of hooking up with him!"

We stood in the kitchen, hands on our hips and staring each other down in silence so hard that we didn't even notice the third person joining us.

"Uh..."

We both spun around in surprise. Ronnie Chambers was there, at the foot of the stairs, awkwardly staring at the floorboards.

"Ronnie, oh my God." She was blushing furiously. "Tell me you didn't hear any of that."

"Yeah, I mean, no, its cool," he said, trying to laugh it off. It came out as an awkward squeaking sound and he shoved his hands in his pockets. "Uh, hi, Rachel. Nice to see you again."

"Hey," I replied shortly.

Cassie hastily started cutting the rest of the pizza crusts. "I mentioned Ronnie was coming over tonight, right?"

She had. I had forgotten. It had been a very long two days since she'd told me.

"You did. It slipped my mind. Sorry to crash the, uh, date," I said glumly. "I'll get out of your hair."

"You're fine," Ronnie insisted. "We're watching Shaun of the Dead on DVD, if you're down. Cassie wanted to watch more news and read more articles about the thing yesterday, but I managed to convince her she needed a break. If she obsesses about it too much she'll go nuts."

I scowled at her. "Yeah. She has this thing about obsessing."

Cassie's mouth formed a thin line. She was getting angry right back at me. "I'm not obsessing. I just want to be informed. Because I _care._"

"Gosh, all this_ caring _you do must be _exhausting,_" I said dryly.

Ronnie looked back and forth between us hesitantly.

"So, uh, Shaun of the Dead is really, really good movie."

"He promises it's funny and not as awful as I think it's going to be," Cassie said, her voice thin, like a dangerous plane of ice over a slightly frozen lake. She almost never got this way, this hopelessly frustrated. Patience was her middle name but with me, she was losing it. Cassie dealt with anger like Jake used to. Calmly, quietly, and very controlled. Except Jake would always blow up at the end. Cassie never did. Maybe I would finally be the one person to make her angry enough to yell?

I didn't give a single solitary damn if I was.

"Sorry for eating your pizza." I got up, grabbing a napkin to get the grease off my fingers, and then opened up the closet by the door. I pulled out a light jacket. It had gotten dark, so I expected a little bit of a chill.

"Don't leave," Cassie said, with much more force than I usually heard from her.

Ronnie nodded in agreement. "Please, stay."

I knew I wouldn't really be imposing. It wasn't like Cassie was one to go far on the first date, and Ronnie seemed like just about as gentlemanly a guy as they came. Any other time, I would have stayed. But I was still teetering on the edge of true anger, and I had a feeling the longer I stayed home, the madder I would get.

"I have plans," I said vaguely. Things were getting too tense between us. I also didn't want to be around to feel sting of Cassie's happiness with Ronnie. Their joined pity for me. Her life was great, and I wanted the best for her. But the more she moved on, it felt like the further she left me behind.

"Hey, I'll meet you on the couch?" Cassie said to Ronnie. She handed him the box of pizza and he went into the living room, shooting the both of us a worried look before he left. Then she turned to me.

"You're running away again."

"I'm not running away from anything. Except maybe you and Ronnie making out on the couch."

"You're running away from anything that would make you the slightest bit happy," she said. "You're running away from pizza, from TV, from a nice stress-free night."

"I'm not crashing your date, Cassie, are you kidding?"

"And you're running away from me."

"I'm not your kid!" I exploded, finally. I knew Ronnie could hear me in the next room, and I didn't care. "I'm not your fucking puppy! Stop acting like I'm your responsibility, I don't need that pressure anymore. I'm not some invalid that you have to worry about all the time, so stop checking up on me! All you're going to get from me is disappointment, okay? It's been three years and I've just wallowing ankle-deep in shit like I always have been, so why don't you just focus on your Hork-Bajir and your big dreamy man in there and leave me the fuck alone!"

Cassie looked stunned. I hadn't yelled at her like that in years. Maybe ever. My words echoed between us for a moment, and part of me wanted to take it all back, to apologize.

But a bigger, more frenzied part of me also wanted everyone to just back the hell off.

"I don't feel responsible for you," she whispered. "I'm worried about you because you're my best friend and I need you."

"But you have been disappointed in me, right? Jake is fine, you're fine, Marco's great, even Tobias is officially doing better than I am now. It's just Crazy Rachel, still not adjusting like you thought I would."

Her mouth opened and closed wordlessly.

I pulled the kitchen door and walked out.

* * *

I tried to resist the urge to morph. I knew what would happen if I did retreat into my eagle or grizzly. Instead, I got in my car and drove. I didn't know exactly where I was going, but I drove and drove until I glanced at the speedometer. A hundred miles per hour. This wasn't enough, but I would be stopped soon by the cops. The buildings grew more sparse and the roads got rougher. Glancing at the clock I was surprised to see that I had been going for nearly two hours. My tank was almost empty.

It wasn't enough.

Fighting with Cassie always made me feel a little sick. But this time, for whatever reason, it also made me scared. Without Cassie, without Tobias and the others, I was nothing. I wasn't as strong and independent as people thought. I was literally no one without someone else to latch onto. Someone or something to fight for, something that actually mattered. Fighting with Cassie was like cutting the last string that was holding me up. I was a crumpled marionette, a disappointment to everyone.

I needed to stop. I swerved off the road, feeling my car tip slightly and giving me a little bit of the edge I needed to dull my feelings. My car plunged into the woods and I laughed, feeling myself let go of what little sanity I had been clinging to. My hands were no longer hands. They were the claws of a grizzly bear, my old friend.

My car was whipped by low hung branches of trees that I only just managed to dodge. At some point I stopped the car and I tumbled out, the bulk of the grizzly bear starting to feel too confined in the driver's seat of my sedan. I ran through the forest, the bear's heart pounding madly, telling me that I was pushing it too far, but I plowed on. I needed something. I didn't know what, but something.

And then there it was. A large buck. Proudly standing in a clearing, just grazing. I crouched. I ran. It ran. Too fast! But that didn't matter. It was running towards a gorge. Soon, it would have nowhere to run.

It stopped at the cliff, panicking. I herded it to the right, where I knew there was a steep rock hill. It saw that it was trapped and hesitated for just a second. All the time I needed. I attacked it. I gored it. It tried to fight, but I ripped its large, sharp antlers from its head. I flung them away, and plunged my claws into its neck. That artery was still throbbing. I knew the mess it would make. I wanted the mess. I roared at the rush, the feeling of hot blood on my paws.

I was _so good at this._

Later, when the madness subsided and I was just shivering human girl huddled in her car, I found myself at a rest stop off the main highway. I had no gas. The line at the gas pump was long, and all the cars were close together. I couldn't deal with anyone recognizing me, so I pulled into a parking space at the far corner and decided to wait it out until the crowd thinned.

I pulled down the visor and opened up the small mirror.

It would have been stupid to deny the fact that I was pretty. I'd been told that all my life. I had shiny blond hair that fell straight enough to need minimal maintenance, but thick enough to style if the occasion presented itself. My forehead was just the right size, atop perfectly manicured eyebrows and cool blue doe eyes. A dainty nose was centered on my face, with a relatively unremarkable mouth, and a solid chin that gave me the confident swagger everyone always told me I have. Everything was the same, in all the same places.

Why, then, did I look so different? It was like a shadow had been cast over me - nothing had changed, but at the same time everything had. Fear of the invisible and unknown, ghosts that hid in the shadows, were far more terrifying than an in-your-face horror. That was what I looked like now. An invisible fear. The same, but someone had turned the lights out. Made it dark.

It made no sense. At my worst, most violent and uncontrollable, I never felt like this. I was never this lost. I knew who and what I was.

But not here, and not now. I didn't belong here. I knew, I wasn't supposed to be anything more than what I was three years ago. That was why everything was unfamiliar, why I felt like I was feeling around blindly in the dark.

I was just a ghost.


	6. I - Family Weekend

_**I.**_

* * *

**CHAPTER SIX - Family Weekend**

* * *

I woke up to someone tapping loudly on my window.

"Hey there!" A homeless man greeted me, waving around a wet squeegee. He raised his bucket and nodded his head at my windshield.

I sighed and cracked the window open, something no other young woman alone in her car would have done. I was admittedly still a little groggy, but skinny old men weren't exactly high up on my list of scary things anymore.

"What time is it?" I asked, slipping him a five.

"'Bout six in the morning," he said. I smelled alcohol on his breath. "You sleep in there all night, lil' girl?"

_Six?!_ That explained the blinding sunlight streaking through my dirty windshield that the homeless guy was preparing to clean.

"Oh, shit. I guess so."

He began to soak the front of my car in soapy water and scrape the crap off of it. I hadn't even noticed how gross it had gotten after my little off-roading adventure the night before. "You look familiar. You from 'round here?"

"Sort of. Not really."

"Yeah, I'm 'sorta not really' from alotta places too," the guy said, splashing more water on the windshield. "What's a pretty girl like you got to be runnin' from?"

"Russian mafia," I said crossly, looking away and avoiding eye contact. I hadn't counted on him being so chatty.

He squinted at me through the windshield the entire time, and leered at me as he finished up. He didn't do a very good job, but at least I could see through it now. I had no idea how I managed to drive to this rest stop in the dark with a windshield like that. I could have killed someone. For me, adrenaline rushes were no better than driving drunk, including waking up the following morning disoriented and extraordinarily guilty.

"Well, whatever shit you did, you seem like you want to be forgiven for it. And ain't nobody gonna forgive you for nothin' just sittin' 'round at a gas station."

I watched him blankly as he staggered off.

The gas pumps were deserted now, so I filled up and started racing home. It would be past 8 by the time I got back to our gated community. Cassie was definitely going to be up, and after our fight I knew she was going to flip out that I had never come home. Worse, I had absolutely no story to give her. Sometimes – most of the time – she acted more like my mother than my actual mother...

An idea struck and I took the wrong exit off the freeway. One hour later, I started to recognize the forest at the side of the road. I was at my hometown suburb, nearing my old house. Or rather, my family's new-old house. A year after the war, I helped my mother rebuild it from its smoky remains. Bigger and better, of course, but I had made sure to build it on the same plot of land where I grew up.

I parked on the street. Jordan's room was right over the driveway and I didn't want to risk her hearing me. It was now just near eight on a Saturday morning. If something woke my mother or sisters this early on a Saturday, there would be anarchy and chaos.

I morphed into a cockroach, scampered under the crack of our front door, and didn't demorph until I was safely in my room. It wasn't furnished with much, since I officially lived with Cassie now, but I still had my bed, desk, and closet with a few old clothes that reeked of poor 90s fashion choices. I threw on a some pajamas and crawled into bed. Somehow, I managed to nap another hour before I heard my phone ring.

It was exactly 9:01 AM. It had to be Cassie. She knew my family better than anyone, and she had the sense not to call my family's house before 9 on the weekend.

I plopped down at my desk and reluctantly answered the phone.

"Hello?"

"Oh, thank God, you're there," Cassie said worriedly. "Where have you been? After Ronnie left I tried your cell but I kept getting your voicemail. I called your mom's house last night too, but no one answered."

"I was...here," I lied. "Left my cell in the car. If you called late, we were probably asleep. At least, me and Sara were. My mom was probably working in the study and Jordan was out with her friends."

I wasn't entirely sure that was what my family was up to, but it was a pretty believable guess.

"Oh, okay. When you didn't come back I thought..."

"I'm fine." The lies expertly rolled off my tongue. "I just wanted to hang out with my sister. We watched cartoons and stuff."

Cassie hesitated. "Look, Rachel, I'm sorry about last night. I feel like I ambushed you with a lot of stuff and it was unwarranted."

"It's okay," I said quietly. Partly because I still didn't want to wake my family, but also because I knew this conversation was for Cassie's sake, not mine. Whatever she was going to say, I would let her say to make her feel better. I did sort of owe her in that way.

"Rachel..." More hesitation. "So, when are you coming back? I don't have much planned this weekend. We can catch a movie or something."

Now I felt bad. As much as I didn't want to hurt her, and as much as I had already burdened her, I was still angry. I needed time away from Cassie to cool off.

"Actually, I was planning on staying here for the weekend. Help Jordan and Sara with back-to-school stuff. They start soon."

"Oh," Cassie said, disappointed. Again.

"I'll see you Sunday night, maybe?"

"Definitely."

I hung up and decided that my mood called for the biggest, greasiest breakfast I could throw together.

By the time Sara woke up and came downstairs, I felt a little better having cooked large plates of eggs, bacon and pancakes. She was ten now, and getting taller by the minute. She was only going into the fifth grade and was already as tall as Jordan, who was starting her junior year of high school. Sara looked astonishingly like me. If she were nine years older we could have been twins. Looking at her was like looking in a mirror to the past.

"Rachel!" Sara gave me a hug and I melted into it. She wasn't like me, or Jordan, or Mom. Not even like Dad, I guess. Sara had grown to be quieter, kinder, and probably smarter than the rest of us. "I didn't know you were coming to visit today!"

I smiled weakly at her. "It's kind of a surprise for me too."

"Shouldn't you be out doing stuff?" Sara asked.

"Seeing you doesn't count as doing stuff?"

Sara rolled her eyes. "I mean like, frat parties and beer pong."

"I seem like the kind of person that would go to frat parties and play beer pong?"

She shrugged. "I don't even know what those are. I'm _ten!_"

I rumpled her hair fondly. "Mom and Jordan still sleeping?"

"Duh." She wriggled into a chair and immediately began shoveling food into her mouth.

"What are you – hey, ew!" I grabbed her fork. "That's for everyone! At least get your own plate first!"

She snatched a plate from the cupboard and scooped into it a ridiculous amount of eggs and more pancakes than any single human her size could eat.

"What is wrong with you?"

"Mom never has time to cook in the morning and Jordan can't cook," Sara complained, dousing everything in ketchup and turning my stomach. "This is the first time I'm eating something that's not cereal for breakfast since, like, forever."

"Well, eat like a human being. Jeez," I said. "Leave some for Mom and Jordan."

"They can eat cereal."

I pulled the plate away as she tried to serve herself more. "Don't be selfish."

"Hey, I deserve this," Sara said defiantly. "There were funny noises and I was the only one not too lazy to come downstairs to check it out."

"If you hear weird noises coming from downstairs, you do_ not_ check it out by yourself! You go get mom!" I cried. "Do you_ want_ to be stabbed? Have you not seen any slasher movies?"

"I'm_ ten!_"

"Just, ugh, fine go ahead and make yourself vomit. See if I care."

Sara obliged, and I turned to make more breakfast. It wasn't long before Jordan, and then my mother joined us at the table. They were surprised and confused to see me, but they forgot it all when they saw the food. Like Sara, they attacked like ravenous wolves.

"Oh, God." Jordan gushed. "This is so good. Are you dying? Are you going to jail? Why are you doing this?"

"Jordan!" Mom scolded, then looked at me cautiously. "But...well...are you?"

"_Mom! _I spoke to you two days ago!"

"Well, I'm sorry, but you weren't interested in coming home then, despite nearly being blown to pieces - "

"I wasn't even there at the time!"

" - and now suddenly here you are making us a delicious breakfast? This isn't exactly something that happens every Saturday morning," she pointed out. "Are you okay?"

I had tried to keep my two lives separate during the war. I protected my family from both the war and the side of myself that enjoyed it. But after the yeerks learned our identities, no matter how hard I tried, it was impossible to keep my worlds apart. They saw the darkness in me for the first time. They saw who I was, a person – if I could still be called that – that was no longer their daughter or sister.

Jordan and Sara were a bit young, so they may not have understood how far gone their sister Rachel was, but my mother did. She saw what I had become, even called me out on it. Mom knew I wasn't the same girl, but an entirely different creature, and she did not like it. In fact, she feared it. In the years afterward, it cooled a bit into a wariness around me that probably would never go away. I noticed how she hovered around Jordan and Sara more, as if trying to shield them. She made a point to stop staying late at the office, choosing instead to bring her paperwork home and do it at the kitchen table with my sisters and their homework. She picked Sara up from friend's houses and gave her a cell phone for emergencies. She enforced Jordan's curfew and doled out punishments for breaking rules.

She wore herself out being a great mom to them, so they wouldn't end up like me. I would always be her daughter. That's why she called me on Thursday after the explosions, my mom loved me. But I didn't think even a mother could forgive the things I had done. Forgiveness was only for those who still had a chance.

So I moved out. I was a lot easier to love from a distance.

"I'm okay," I insisted. "Jeez, I can't come home from college for a weekend?"

"Only if you make bacon again tomorrow," Jordan said, her mouth full.

"And pancakes," Sara chimed in.

Mom pointedly slid a napkin across the table to her. Syrup was dribbling down her chin. "I never was that great of a cook, I'm sure you remember."

"It's kind of hard to forget."

She smiled sheepishly. "It's good to have you back here, Rachel."

I knew it was at least partially sincere. Even if I was different, one thing that would never change was that I would always take care of my family. Jordan and Sara eyed the two of us carefully, and shared a significant look between themselves. When had they started doing that?

"Hey, Mom, since Rachel's here I bet she could help us with the shopping," Jordan said. "You can get to the office for a couple hours and finish your project today, so you finally have time for movie lunch tomorrow!"

"Movie lunch?" I asked, perplexed.

Sara leaned over to me. "Every Sunday used to be board game night, but Mom was always too tired to really play and Jordan wants to hang out with friends in the evenings, so we changed it to movie lunch. We eat lunch in front of the TV so Jordan can go out later and Mom could 'accidentally' take a nap while it's playing."

That was definitely a new family activity. I didn't even need to look at my mother to know that she was looking away from me.

"I wouldn't mind going shopping," I said hollowly into my pancakes.

"That sounds like a wonderful idea," my mom said. "I can get a lot done today if I can make it to the office."

"Awesome!" Sara yelped, forking a few more strips of bacon on her plate. Jordan looked just as pleased.

* * *

I didn't remember the fifth grade much at all, and I never actually finished my junior year of high school, so I wasn't exactly sure what my sisters needed. But I donned my usual disguise - two braids and a beanie pulled low with a pair of thick nerdy glasses - and I dumped Sara and Jordan into my car. I forced them to wear seatbelts and asked them where they wanted to go.

"Staples!" Sara exclaimed. "The one in Hillsboro Plaza!"

"I know someone who works there, we can't go there!" Jordan countered.

"Why not?!"

"Because I said so!"

"_Rachelllll...!"_

In the end I drove the extra two miles to another Staples. It was in the mall, so they would be able to buy clothes, too.

The very same mall where I spent my last few moments as a normal human being.

It was actually the first time I been there in nearly three years. I hadn't realized how much it would affect me, but I felt my breath shallow and quicken. It had never even occurred to me how significant this place was.

Overhead, I saw the skylight. I remembered it crashing down during one of my gymnastics meets as Tobias soared through it. Down the way was the Radio Shack where we got lots of our components trying to build a Z-Space communicator. And then there was the Spencer's where we found Erek the Chee malfunctioning and had to carry him out under the guise of a Bill Clinton cooking robot. And the Food Court where we had many a hushed discussion and where Ax was probably still banned for causing a ruckus at the Cinnabon. And the Rainforest Cafe where we let Cassie talk us into freeing some parrots. And the Macy's where we started guiding Marco's mom, Visser One, to her downfall. And...

"Rachel?"

The mall had been just as dangerous a place as any for us, but we spent an awful lot of time here. A lot of memories. Not exactly good memories, but still. Memories.

"Rachel, we have to move!"

I snapped out of it and realized people were staring. It was still early on a Saturday and the stores had only been open for maybe twenty minutes, but there were already plenty of mall shoppers around to stop and stare at me. It didn't help that I was standing right in front of a massive mural of me and the other Animorphs. I had completely forgotten about it. There had been a big ceremony and everything. We had all pressed our handprints into the wall and signed it.

"Come on, Rach!" Jordan shoved me into the nearest store, an H&amp;M.

"What are you doing?" I demanded.

"You were just standing there staring," Jordan said. "Right in front of your own mural, no less. It was a little too conspicuous, even with your disguise. People were looking at you funny."

"Oh."

"Sorry," Sara said sympathetically. "We didn't think about how this was, well, you know._ Your_ mall."

"It's fine," I waved them off impatiently. "It's nothing. They won't bother you, though, will they?"

In the beginning of the media storm I had fiercely defended my family from the paparazzi, going as far as paying for private security until they left them alone. To this day I hadn't allowed any reporters to properly speak to my family, and I worried that some day one would slip through the cracks and get at my sisters. No one deserved media scrutiny, least of all them.

Jordan shrugged. "I mean, everyone at school knows who we are, but they're finally cool with it. Random strangers on the street don't bat an eye, though. I look nothing like you and Sarah's just a kid."

"Shut up, I'm almost taller than you!"

Jordan and Sara led me back out of the H&amp;M and back to the mall. Half of it had to be rebuilt because of damage, but it was largely the same. Even the arcade where Cassie and I found Jake, Marco and Tobias was still there. There was a plaque in front of it, commemorating our fateful meeting six years ago. My mom told me there were talks of making the arcade and even the entire mall into a national landmark because of us.

"Oh my God, is that Rita?" Jordans asked suddenly. She caught sight of a friend at Macy's and waved. Then she gave me a pleading look and I rolled my eyes, handing her her some cash.

"Call us in two hours." As much as I wanted to spend time with her, I definitely did not need her teenage high school drama in my life. Jordan ran off.

I asked Sara where she wanted to go first, and she made a beeline for American Eagle. At some point in the past few years, my baby sister had developed her own sense of style and identity, and it was fascinating to watch. She shopped just as efficiently as Jordan and I, just as focused and she knew exactly what she wanted. Most of it even looked great on her. She was growing up, and I barely had to help her with anything.

Except maybe moderating her usage of the color pink.

"You know, there are other colors in the universe," I pointed out. Everything she was carrying into the fitting room was pink.

"This isn't pink." She held up a shirt.

"That's dark pink."

"Well, the only other color this comes in is yellow, and that would clash with my hair. Mine is a little lighter blonde than yours."

I wanted to wipe a tear from my eye, I was so proud.

"You're right. Keep that one. But that pink hoodie you have also comes in baby blue and you look_ fantastic_ in baby blue."

She looked over at the rack thoughtfully. "You think?"

"That would bring out the color in your eyes._ Our_ eyes. Believe me, I know I look great in blue."

Sara went off to replace a few things and as I held her place in the fitting room line I felt myself getting a little emotional. My sisters would be fine. They would be better versions of how I was meant to turn out, and if I couldn't give them a lot of older sister advice, I could at the very least guide their fashion choices, right?

She returned and held a sweatshirt up to my chin.

"That won't fit me." I smirked.

"No, it's for me, I just wanted to see..." She grinned as I lifted up my glasses so she could get a better view. "You're right. We look good in blue."

"Of course I'm right." I positioned her back in line and grabbed a lavender top off another rack. "We look amazing in most lighter shades and pastels. Jordan and Mom look great in the more neutral tones with their coloring, but we're different. And at your age, you have even more options. Here, look at this..."

I eventually coaxed her out of American Eagle and she dragged me into other stores. She got her shoes and her new jeans, and about a million more things than she actually needed. It didn't feel like long before Jordan peeled herself away from her friends and met up with us at the fountain, weighed down by her own new wardrobe.

She made a weirdly thorough presentation of her shopping exploits. She wasn't physically my clone like Sara was, but she was always much more like me in personality. For the first time, I realized this is what Cassie saw all those years ago when I had to drag her around the mall and give my own shopping speeches. Cunning, swiftness, and pride. Jordan and I, we were hunters and the mall was our grounds.

"Nice jeans," Sara commented at one particular pair Jordan was holding up.

"Thanks."

"The denim's kind of thin, though," Sara rubbed it between her fingers. "They were having a sale on jeans at JC Penney that was surprisingly good quality you could probably look at, but I'm not sure they had this cut. But they did have a demi-curve line that would look great on your hips!"

Jordan stared at her, then at me.

"I can't believe it. You had her for barely two hours and she's already writing a dissertation on pants."

"I'm that good. This is not news."

"Yeah, well, let's see you put those skills to use at Staples," Jordan said, nodding over to the office store. It was back-to-school season, which meant every Staples in the nation was being mercilessly ransacked. The line extended all the way to the back parking lot exit. There were folders and notebooks strewn across the floor, uncapped markers and pens rolling down the aisles, and one of the employees was bawling. Another was offering her some Xanax.

I picked up Sara's shopping bags and held my other hand out for Jordan's. "I think I'll pass. I'll take your stuff to the car and bring it around to the Staples exit so you won't have to walk far when you're done."

"The Shopping Guru chickening out?" Jordan handed her bags over.

"The Shopping Guru chooses her battles." I winked and staggered under the weight of their new clothes. By the time I made it to the car, I was sweating.

I pulled the car around to the Staples entrance, lucky to find a spot right at the front. For a brief moment I thought about joining them inside, but the door opened and a mother came out screaming at her child, who was covered in fingerpaint. I opted against it and looked around in my car for something to do. I noticed my school bag was still in the backseat, wedged under the passenger side where Sara had probably kicked it. I grabbed it and pulled out the fancy little laptop Marco had given me. He'd mentioned it would pull wifi from anywhere. Sure enough, as soon as it booted up, I was getting an internet signal from a locked network inside the mall. It was able to bypass any security without any work from me. Impressive. Marco had also promised it was undetectable, and untraceable. I'd hold him to that.

I surfed the internet for a while. Determinedly skipped past the celebrity gossip and idly checked the weather. The internet was a dangerous place for me. Literally every corner the was a mention of me or the other Animorphs and good or bad, I made a point not to read any of it. There was barely any safe space for me other than cute kitten videos.

After briefly looking up news about the blasts at Toby's event, I closed the browser, thoroughly bored. Just as I was closing the laptop to go find my sisters, I noticed an icon on the desktop. I remembered Marco saying he'd left something there he wanted me to open. Curiously, I clicked on it. It was a simple document with three items listed on it.

_BerenJay at us dot army dot mil_

__808-555-1371__

_BballBoy85_

It didn't say anywhere explicitly, but it didn't take a genius to know what it all was. Jake's email, phone number, and what I was assuming was his Skype username, since Marco was all about Skype lately after being hired as their spokesperson. Marco clearly wanted me to talk to Jake. Why? He knew our history just as well as everyone else.

"Rachel, open up!" Sara banged on my door and I jumped, slamming the laptop shut on instinct.

"Oooh, fancy laptop," Jordan said, after I unlocked the car and they piled in with their pencils and binders or whatever it was they just risked their lives for.

"Figured I'd get some work done while you guys were in there," I replied, tucking it back into my bag. "So I - wait, what the hell is all that!?"

Sara was gleefully hugging several massive bags to her chest.

"Pokemon cards!"

_"Pokemon cards?!"_

She pouted at me. "You gave me money."

"It's wasn't for _pokemon cards!_"

"I'm _ten!_"

Jordan offered me only a shrug and a smirk. "Yeah, this is really all on you."

"God. Was there any change?"

Jordan looked at me sheepishly. "I needed new headphones."

I gaped. "You guys were just supposed to buy, like, paper and pencils!"

"I bought pencils, too!" Sara said defensively, holding open a bag stuffed with way too many pencils, all maddeningly neon-colored.

"Paper and pencils literally grow on trees," Jordan said. "They're not exactly expensive. We had lots of money leftover!"

I grumbled as I started the car.

* * *

We picked up some sandwiches on the way home for lunch, and an extra salad for when Mom came home. They made sure to thank me for all their new crap, without me even having to prompt them, and then my sisters dispersed into their respective rooms. Thankful for the even this brief moment of quiet, I went into my own room and checked my email.

I was surprised to find one from Ben. It was sent just a few minutes ago.

_Hey, just wanted to see how your weekend was going! To tell the truth I was a little bummed I didn't get to hang out with you at all on Friday, so I was wondering what your Monday schedule looked like. Maybe we could grab lunch or something then?_

_Either way, you know where to find me weekday mornings if you need anything!_

_Ben_

He was interested in me. He was definitely interested. I couldn't help but feel a warm glow.

_Hi Ben,_

_I'm good. I do have it pretty light on Mondays, probably because my Fridays are a nightmare? I'll catch up with you that morning and we can do something. Enjoy the rest of your weekend._

_Rachel_

I almost clicked send, but stopped with my finger on the button. I clicked the email text again and added my cell phone number. Then I sat back and read the email over and over. It looked casual. Even with the number there, it didn't look particularly forward or anything. It was cool.

No. It was too soon. Wasn't it? I didn't know how to progress a person from acquaintance to friend status. It wasn't a thing I did a lot. I started to hit backspace, chickening out, but another hand suddenly shot out from behind me and slammed the send button. The message was sent.

"Jordan!" I shrieked. I hadn't even heard her enter, I had been so absorbed in reading and rereading the email. "Are you insane!?"

"Oh, just give him your number, you loser." She scoffed. She pulled out a top and a pair of jeans from a bag. "Does this top look okay for the first day of school?"

I wanted to murder her, but not before telling her, "Yeah, but not with those jeans. I think you'll need a darker wash."

"Good point."

"Is that a small or extra-small?"

"Small." She held up the top in question. "It might fit you though, if you asked to borrow it."

I snatched it from her hands and she yelped in protest.

"This is mine, for sending that email."

"What's the big deal?" Jordan complained. "If you like him, give him your number. It was obvious from the way you were agonizing over it that you like him."

"Still...you...can't just..." I sputtered. "It's not like that."

"Why not? It's not like you're dating Tobias anymore."

I scowled. "None of this is any of your business."

"Look, I'm sorry," Jordan said, clearly not sorry. "But if I didn't send that you would have been trapped in here obsessing over it all day. Now its done. I've freed you, think about it like that!"

"Get out."

"Rachel, come onnn, I - "

Suddenly my phone buzzed. I stared at it. A text message.

Jordan brightened. "I bet that's him!"

She jumped off my bed and bounded for my phone on the desk. Thankfully, I was closer and snatched it from her grasp. Holding her back with one hand, I checked the message with my other.

_Hey Rachel, this is Ben. Just thought since you gave me your number I would give you mine. :)_

I smiled stupidly. Jordan saw me before I could catch myself and started slapping at my arm excitedly.

"Oooh, tell him - "

"I'm not telling him anything!" I said, grabbing her shopping bag off my bed. "I'll see him Monday. That's been established."

"But text him back and say, like - "

I started pushing her out of the room.

"Get out!"

"He's totally into you! At least save his number on your phone before you forget - "

I shut the door, hitting her butt on the way out.

"Yeah, well, that top is all wrong for your boobs!" Jordan shouted through the door before stalking off to be annoying somewhere else. Then, someone else knocked and I wondered how on Earth I survived my childhood in this crazy house.

"Not now, Sara!"

"It's me."

Startled, I opened the door to find my mother standing there, half bewildered and half amused.

"Do I even want to know what that was about?"

"Nope. How was work?"

"It was...the same as always." Mom sighed. "I just wanted to thank you for being such a great big sister to Jordan and Sara."

I awkwardly backed away from the door to let her in. "It's nothing. You know I love shopping, anyway."

"Not just today, I'm talking about... well, always. You were always a better parent than I was. Even when you were just a kid. Even when you were...fighting. They adore you."

"You were supporting us. It's not your fault." I didn't know why I was trying to defend her. I wasn't even sure if I meant what I was saying.

"It is my fault I never had time for my kids. I never had time for you." Mom admitted, wringing her hands in a way I had never seen before. She was never anxious, not like this. She was a _lawyer_, it was her _job_ not look like this. "You're the one I missed out on, Rachel. That was my mistake. I should have...I should have - "

"Mom, don't do this," I begged quietly. This was getting really, really uncomfortable. "You couldn't have changed anything. The Yeerks were here. I was going to get caught up in the war regardless of whether or not you were home for dinner."

My mother looked at me sadly. "I understand the secrecy, but if I had been a better mother, made your home life easier, given you less responsibility with Jordan and Sara... If I only had some kind of time machine - "

"Oh, you do not want to mess around with that stuff."

She looked at me, confused. "What?"

"Nothing."

"I'm just saying, I could have been to you what I'm trying to be for Jordan and Sara."

At that, I bit my lip and ran a hand through my hair, trying to sort out exactly what my feelings were. Yes, she could have. Yes, I was kind of bitter that Jordan and Sara were getting this Super Mom when I was always stuck with Lawyer Mom That Never Paid Attention. But the yeerks still would have came, I still would have become a monster, and nothing that could have been done to fix any of that. There was nothing to blame on her.

She just wanted forgiveness. I knew the feeling.

"I'm glad you're doing so great with Jordan and Sara."

"Thank you. I only wish I hadn't lost you first."

"Well...I'm here now."

She reached up and cupped my cheek in her hands. Mom was never the emotional type, but she knew how to read people. We both knew I wasn't the same person she had lost. But I was...something.

"Just because I'm being a better mom to Jordan and Sara, doesn't mean I love you any less. Okay? I just feel like I don't have anything to give you anymore."

"Kinda feel like you gave a lot to me just now."

I didn't even remember the last time my mom hugged me. I must have been pretty small though, because my mother only came up to my shoulders and it was a jarring realization, being so much taller than her.

"You're so big. I missed out on you, Rachel," she sighed. "I missed out."

"It's okay. I'm sure there's still some of me left to catch."

She laughed into my shirt.

I hadn't realized it before, but all this time, maybe she had needed me to forgive her just as much as I wanted her to forgive me.


	7. I - Freshman Fifteen

_**I.**_

* * *

**CHAPTER SEVEN - ****Freshman Fifteen**

* * *

I ended up staying home longer than I thought, and got back to the house really late Sunday. Cassie was already in bed, and I felt a little guilty. She had probably stayed up as long as she could to try and make amends with me before her busy life swept her away on Monday. I made a mental note to try and wake up early enough to see her in the morning, since being with my sisters and talking with my mom had put me in such a good mood, but by the time I dragged myself out of bed she was in her office having some kind of important-sounding video chat.

We'd have to catch up after school.

Monday was pretty much as decent as I could have expected college would be. More of the same classes, just now with a little more work. I maintained distance from the majority of my classmates and they mostly honored my wish for privacy. At least, they mostly learned to stop mobbing me outside of classes and were slightly more subtle with their gaping. It was probably hard to do, since Thursday was still pretty fresh in everyone's minds.

But terrorist unpleasantries aside, I could see my life slowly but surely falling into this routine some day. And it wasn't _completely_ awful. Especially thanks to the huge groundbreaking leap in my friendship with Ben - texting during class.

_Hows Calc 101 going?_

I looked up at my professor to make sure he didn't see me respond.

_You mean, how is my Greek literature class going?_

_Lol it gets easier._

_Really?_

_No actually it gets a lot harder sorry. Im in Calc 301 and im pretty sure my professor is secretly an Andalite. Are these complex conjugates or did we suddenly break into Z-space?_

_Wow. Nerd._

_Lol shut up and take notes. See you later._

After my only two Monday classes, I was able to navigate my way to Ben's dorm without much trouble. He politely met me at the door of the building and walked me up to his room, where I found a pizza and a massive bag of pretzels waiting for us, along with his roommate Gary. He was sitting at his comics-plastered desk and swiveled around in his chair to face us.

"Hey, nice to see you again!" Gary said brightly. His long-ish unruly hair, thick plastic glasses, and the white lab coat he was wearing made him look a little bit like a mad scientist. "How've you been, Rachel?"

"I'm doing great, Dr. Frankenstein," I looked over at Ben who laughed.

"He's a physics major. He just got back from his Physics lab."

"Whoa, physics?" I raised an eyebrow, impressed. "That's cool. You and Ben must have a lot in common."

Gary snorted. "Are you kidding? Physicists and engineers hate each other. Engineers are basically just monkeys banging at things with tools."

Ben shoved his chair. "Yeah? At least we deal in reality instead of convoluted hypotheticals."

"Go back to your shop and play with your legos, buddy."

"You're a glorified _mathematician_."

Gary stood abruptly and dramatically whipped off his glasses. "You want to go? Let's go."

"Street Fighter?"

"Twisted Metal Black."

"I am gonna _murder_ you." Ben grabbed his controllers off his desk, and Gary switched on his monitor and the Playstation. Clearly I had underestimated just how dorky Ben and his roommate were. They had completely forgotten I was even in the room, something that was pretty rare these days. It was strangely refreshing. Also, stupid.

"Ahem," I cleared my throat. "This is officially the weirdest fight I ever witnessed, and I once battled aliens as a microscopic grizzly bear in my friend's nostrils."

They stared at me blankly as the Playstation booted up.

"Can we just agree that there is plenty of room in the nerdosphere for engineers and physicists?" I took their controllers, having to practically pry them out of their grips, and set them back down. "I'm starving."

Ben grinned sheepishly "Sorry."

"Yeah, sorry. Long day at the lab."

"Those Japanese sex-bots Gary's working on at the lab won't build themselves."

"Yeah, the _engineers_ have to!"

I pursed my lips, feeling a little too much like I was in a bad sitcom. "Seriously, guys? I'm about to back out of this room blowing on a rape whistle."

Ben looked apologetic. "I swear to you, we're not complete degenerates. _He_ promised he'd be cool."

"_You're _the one that called me a mathematician."

I shook my head. "I don't even get it. Aren't mathematicians really smart, too?"

They both glared at me.

"Oh, whatever. Losers."

They laughed and Ben shut off the Playstation, crisis momentarily averted. He pulled out the chair at his desk for me, which I awkwardly took, and he plopped on his bed and grabbed a slice of pizza. I couldn't help but notice he'd put some gel in his hair. A little too much, almost like a Ross Gellar sort of deal, but he'd made an effort and he did still look pretty cute. His T-shirt, this time black with the Batman logo on the front, was wrinkle-free and smelled like Downy fabric softener and dryer sheets.

Was he trying to impress me?

"Help yourself, Rachel," Ben said, pointing at a roll of paper towels on top of a shelf. It was pretty much the only eating utensil in the entire room. I tore off a sheet, but hesitated.

"Are you sure this is a pizza?" I scrutinized it. It was shaped like a pizza, but that was pretty much the only resemblance it had to pretty much any kind of food I had ever seen. It was loaded with chunks of cubed white things, peppered with bits of dark red, and doused in a criss-cross pattern of white sauce on top.

"Chicken Bacon Ranch pizza," Gary said proudly, expertly taking his own slice. I couldn't see how they were keeping their pizzas intact with just their hands and a paper towel. The entire thing was a greasy mess that looked like it should just flop over and fall apart. "Chicken chunks, bacon bits, and ranch dressing drizzled over the top. The Blythe University Dining Hall's second highest achievement, eclipsed only by Dirt Cups."

I blinked at him, then at Ben.

"It kinda looks like someone threw up on this."

"You didn't think you'd like the Dirt either," Ben pointed out fairly. "Come on, just try it. New experiences. You're young. Your stomach can take it."

I frowned. On the one hand, it looked like shit. But on the other, I was hungry and he was indeed right about the Dirt. At this point, I could probably trust Ben's knowledge on sketchy dining hall cuisine. Probably.

"Well, all right. Against my better judgement..."

"This is exactly what college is all about," Gary said. "Being old enough to know better, but young enough to not give a fuck."

_"Try it, try it, try it,"_ Ben chanted and his roommate valiantly joined in. I rolled my eyes. It was tough to separate a slice, since these guys didn't separate the crusts like Cassie did and all I had was a paper towel, but I finally managed to get a piece into my mouth.

_"Oh, Jesus."_ It was just as described - chickeny, bacony, and ranchy, yet against all odds, not as gross as it should have been. It actually worked.

"Didn't I tell you!?" Ben crowed at my expression. "Don't chew too long or let it linger in your mouth. The chunky, crispy, creamy texture is what will get you if you let it. You have to swallow quick, let the flavor hit you once, then get it down before you're overwhelmed."

Gary raised his hand. "Permission to make a crass sex joke?"

"Denied," Ben said on my behalf.

"Oh man, it's like someone dumped the unhealthy parts of a salad bar onto a pizza. This is _delicious._"

"No wonder you like her," Gary said innocently. Ben blushed and threw a greasy paper towel at him. Also slightly embarrassed, I kept my focus on the drippy abomination I was holding.

My first slice was wolfed down so fast the boys' eyes went wide. I could feel it sort stewing there at the bottom of my stomach and I wasn't quite sure how my system would handle it, but I was still starving. It was past two in the afternoon and I hadn't eaten breakfast. I started going for a second, but Ben stopped me.

"Uh-uh. You're a rookie here, Rach," he warned. "It's tastes good, but I'm pretty sure it's toxic in large doses. You gotta pace yourself. Have some pretzels, that's what they're there for."

I raised an eyebrow. "You said my stomach can handle it."

"Let her have another one, man," Gary urged. "Go for it!"

"I meant your stomach can handle_ one._ This pizza is really, really filling. You definitely should give it a minute," Ben said worriedly. "After my first time it was like giving birth to a dragon through my mouth. I'm actually kind of shocked you handled one entire slice so..."

"Effortlessly," Gary finished. "It was majestic."

Ben threw a pillow. "Dude, shut up."

"I can eat_ three_ slices before I have to throw up!" Gary said gleefully.

"He threw up after two his first time. My first time I threw up after only one slice, and we're_ guys!_"

"_Guys_, huh?" I said sarcastically. "You don't say."

"What I meant was - "

"I feel fine," I said defiantly, breaking off another slice and smiling sweetly at him. "I think I can handle it, despite my vagina."

"Do it, do it, do it," Gary chanted._ "Vagina, vagina, vagina!"_

I chomped a big bite from my slice. Ben cringed.

"You're crazy."

Another bite.

"The closest toilet is like, three doors down the hall. Our trash can is too small for the volume of vomit this pizza usually produces."

A third.

"And the nurse's office is in the third building the right."

"Ye of little faith," Gary admonished him._ "Vagina! Vagina!"_

"Yeah, you're gonna have to stop saying that," I said, between chews.

"You are making a huge mistake," Ben said smugly. "But suit yourself."

"One thing you'll learn about me is that I'm the Queen of mistakes." I smirked and finished off my second slice as he watched carefully. I could feel what he was saying, though. The pizza just kindof sank in my stomach on top of the first one. But I definitely didn't feel sick yet. The two of them eyed me cautiously and when I didn't barf all over their dorm room, Ben scowled.

"Your GI system must be permanently grizzly bear or something."

"Please. This is nothing. One time in morph I ate a..." I trailed off. They definitely did not need to hear about the weird things I've had in my mouth as an Animorph. Or worse, the things I'd had in my mouth since then. Alien body parts. Baby seals. Housefly spit. Pet cats. Basically, I'd had so many awful things in various forms of my mouth that a little chicken bacon ranch pizza surely wasn't going to kill me.

Also, I didn't like when people told me I couldn't do something._ Especially_ if the reasoning was because I was a "girl".

"Ate a what?" Gary pressed. Ben threw another pillow, trying to hush him.

"A moth," I said briskly. No, Animorphs talk was off-limits when hanging out with non-Animorphs friends. I'd have to keep this short and simple. "When I was a bat, I had trouble controlling my instincts and I just snapped up a moth and crunched it around in my mouth."

"Gross."

"Yeah. Sorry."

Ben looked like he was going to ask me another question and I braced myself, but he decided against it. Gary was satisfied with my moth story, but Ben could tell that there was more on my mind. He was curious, but he backed off anyway. I was grateful. He didn't belong in that world.

"I swallowed a dime once. I'm pretty sure it's still inside me," Ben said instead.

I barked out a laugh, glad that he'd turned the focus on himself.

"How old were you?"

"Uh...I don't know. I don't remember. A kid?"

I looked over at Gary.

"It was freshman year," he said, grinning. "I made him do it."

* * *

Cassie got home early. It wasn't even four in the afternoon when she found me in the downstairs bathroom with my head in a toilet full of vomit. She set her bag down at the doorway and pulled my hair back.

"Uh, hey. Sorry I missed you last night and this morning. I figured you didn't come back until late because you were busy enjoying your family."

I dry-heaved.

"Yeah, I'm actually really glad you had a chance to catch up with your mom and sisters. They're good for you."

This time, something like a creamy hot acid came up and I practically lunged into the toilet.

"I'm sorry again for ambushing you on Friday," she said. "I don't know what came over me. You didn't deserve that, I was just frustrated. You know I love you, right?"

"Cassie, _please,_" I begged as all my internal organs succumbed one by one to the Blythe University dining hall's sorcery.

"Okay, okay, fine. So...uh, how about we talk about all _this_, then," she said motioning at the grotesque scene unfolding before her. "Are you drunk or something?"

"Ughhh...of course not!"

"Well, I don't know. I never went to college!" Cassie shrugged and patiently pulled her own hair out of a ponytail so she could use the tie to keep my long blonde hair out of the toilet. "Did you eat something funny?"

"Pizza."

"Pizza _again? _You had pizza Friday. And if I know your family, probably at least one other time this weekend, too."

She was right, of course.

"Chicken Bacon Ranch pizza."

She cringed. "Eww, Rachel. The way you eat sometimes, it's a wonder you're not like, five hundred pounds. How do you eat pizza three times a week and get away with thighs like that?"

"The pizza looks the same coming up as it did going down."

"_Eww."_

"Could you get me a...?" I waggled my hand around vaguely, not even sure what I was asking, other than for the assault on my stomach to end.

Cassie ran a towel under cool water in the sink and handed it to me. "Hey you, uh, you _do_ remember that toilet hasn't been able to flush for like, months, right?"

I hadn't. She shook her head at me and I cowered beneath her pitifully.

"...My checkbook is upstairs in my top desk drawer."

"It better be." Cassie gently flicked me in the forehead. "_I'm_ certainly not paying for the plumber that has to deal with all this. Anyway, do you feel a little better now?"

I sat back and leaned against the wall. I didn't even have to tell her I still felt like shit. I was almost doused in sweat, my hair plastered all over my face and neck even after having been tied back. My skin was a sickly green color. Cassie sighed and squatted down to my level to help me wipe my face.

"What on earth possessed you to eat something like a chicken bacon ranch pizza?"

"I don't know, deliciousness?"

She smirked. "Let me guess. It was Ben, wasn't it?"

"Shut up. I hate you."

"It was! You hung out with him again today!" Cassie exclaimed. "Although, I'm starting to wonder about his influence on your eating habits. You still never explained the 'Dirt' thing."

"Don't talk to me about food right now."

"I'm not exactly as convinced as you are that dirt is food, Rach."

"Would you just –_ hurk!_" I lurched forward at the toilet and relieved myself again. Loudly. Cassie was mostly nonplussed, probably thanks to all her years cleaning up various animal fluids in her barn as a child. She'd also been there for Jake during his post-war rough patch and I imagined that scene was similar to this.

"Okay, brush your teeth. I'll be right back. We should have gotten this toilet fixed a long time ago anyway. Now we finally have a reason to stop being lazy about it, I guess. I hope someone could come by this evening. I'll go Google some local plumbers."

"For the toilet or my stomach?"

She patted my shoulder. "Just for the record, are you and I…?"

"We're cool, Cassie, jeez, would you just leave me here to regret my life decisions and let me puke in peace?"

Suddenly my phone vibrated from the sink. Cassie took it and flipped it open curiously.

"Someone texted you. Ooooh! Ben! Is this_ the_ Ben?"

I shot her a poisonous look.

"Oh, don't look at me like that. You just left a bowl full of unflushable chicken bacon ranch vomit in our bathroom. You're never allowed to give me that look again."

"That's...fair."

Cassie looked again at my phone. "I wonder if he's throwing his guts up now, too."

"No, he's the one that warned me not to eat more than a slice," I groaned.

"Let me guess - you didn't listen. You ate three, just to prove that you could."

I nodded miserably.

"Whelp, that sounds about right." Cassie couldn't hide her snickering any longer. She was openly laughing at me and waving my phone at me. "He's asking if you're sure you're okay._ Awww!_"

"I can't believe you're enjoying my –_ urp!_" I flipped over and let loose into the toilet yet again. Cassie barely even noticed. She was busy typing something into my phone.

"_No, I am not okay_," Cassie said aloud as she typed. "_I am puking the entire contents of my body into a broken toilet that doesn't flush._"

"Don't you dare!" I gasped, too weak to actually get up and take my phone from her. She tossed me a new towel. My phone vibrated again. Ben had texted something back! I felt like I was being tortured. _"Cassie!"_

"_You were right, I should have listened to you. I was wrong_," Cassie continued. "_So wrong. I just barfed in my hair. It's coming out my nose. It's - "_

"Cassie, oh my God - "

She laughed. "Relax. Here, take it, I'm gonna get you a glass of water. Breathe through your nose"

I snatched my phone from her and wiped the hair and sweat from my face, taking slow, deep breaths through my nose as instructed. The nausea was finally starting to subside. I leaned back against the cool white tile on the wall and braced myself before looking at the phone.

_Hey Rach, you left your calculus notebook in my room. Is there a good time tomorrow I can get it back to you?_

Cassie had texted back,_ Yeah, sorry about that, whenever you're free?_

_Can you stop by in the morning at work? I'll have it for you along with some coffee :) Sure you're okay after all that pizza?_

And Cassie had responded._ Haha, I'm fine. Told you so. Thanks, and see you tomorrow._

For a best friend, she could be an awful jerk sometimes.

The plumber was eventually able to fix the toilet, even if it was full of upchucked dining hall pizza. He also managed to berate us, politely, for waiting so long before actually getting it fixed. There was a lot of old...stuff...that got kicked back up and he had to wear a mask to continue.

The process put us both off our dinner. We both just sat around our kitchen table in a hazy cloud of "sun-kissed linen" air freshener spray, our attempt at masking the smell. We were also shivering in the evening chill because we would literally die if we didn't have all the windows in the house wide open. Cassie poked hesitantly at her chicken and broccoli, while I swirled my thin, watered-down broth around in the cup.

"I may never eat solid food again," I said.

"Same," she agreed. "Good timing, though, I guess. That leaves more food for Ax."

"I don't think even Ax could – wait, what?" I stopped spinning my spoon around. "What do you mean? Is Ax coming Earthside?"

"_War-Prince _Aximili-Esgarrouth-Isthill will be assuming a new position here at the base on Royan Island," Cassie said happily. "I was going to tell you earlier, but you were too busy destroying our bathroom."

"Shut. Up."

"Ax hasn't announced it officially yet, but he contacted Tobias at Marco's place this morning and Marco told me. He's been relieved of active military duty and has chosen to oversee the Andalite embassy and the military base here on Royan Island. He'll have a couple Andalites with him, all officers he handpicked by himself."

"No shit? Our little baby's all grown up."

Since the war ended Ax had returned to his people and was promoted directly from aristh to Prince, a huge honor that not even his hero brother Elfangor achieved. Unlike the rest of us, Ax had continued to fight the scattered Yeerks throughout the galaxy, putting even more victories under his belt. He was a hero on our planet, but on his planet he was a bona fide legend and earlier this year had been promoted to War Prince.

"It's kind of weird he's giving up the life of Champion of the Andalites to watch over a little human island, isn't it?" I wondered.

"It thought the same thing, but you know, I never saw Ax as the type to soak it all in like Marco does." Cassie shrugged. "Maybe he's just tired of it all. He's the only one of us who didn't stop fighting the war, you know. Or maybe he just misses humans."

I scoffed. "Human food and TV, maybe."

"I meant _us,_" Cassie clarified. "He spent years here alone. He must think of us as family, just like we do him. When the opportunity presented itself..."

It was a good assumption. The day Ax returned to his homeworld, the Animorphs had been scattered. Marco and Cassie were busy trying to control the press, and Jake had sunken deep into the depression that would consume him for over two years. Only Tobias and I were present when his ship took off. Ax and I were never the best of friends, but Tobias was literally his nephew. And at the time, any family of Tobias was family of mine. It was a bittersweet goodbye, and probably the very start of when I realized things would never be the same.

Ax coming back would make things just a little bit more like the good old days.

"I guess I miss him too." I grinned. "Remember when he ate that entire tray of Cinnabon?"

"Oh, God. The M&amp;M's at the movie theater?"

"The hot sauce at Taco Bell?" I laughed. "It would be nice to see him again. When does he land?"

"Three weeks. Three of_ our_ weeks, to be precise." Cassie rolled her eyes.

"Man, I don't know if I'm ready for the whole _'your hours your minutes'_ thing again." I started swirling my spoon in my broth thoughtfully. "...Do you think the Initiative is gonna try something?"

She nodded grimly. "Of course. We _all _think the Initiative is gonna try something. Security is being beefed up."

"It better be," I muttered darkly. If the Initiative hated the Hork-Bajir, when all they did was eat bark and play in trees, they were absolutely going to flip a shit when the Andalites came to town. "Although the Andalites are probably going to have their own high-tech security with them."

"Right. A bunch of dinky humans won't be sneaking up on Royan Island. It's basically going to be a fortress. But, you know, they aren't getting into the Hork-Bajir Colony either, with all the dense forest and mountains and Hork-Bajir scouts. It's when they're out among_ us_ that they've got to worry."

I sighed. "I don't suppose the Andalites coming is going to be a low-key affair."

"It's not going to be kept under wraps, Rachel, this is a huge thing and the entire reason the Andalites are landing is for diplomacy. People have to know it's happening, and that means the Initiative will know too."

I scowled when she mentioned people having to know. "Does that mean there's going to be...?"

Cassie bit her lip and I already had my answer. "Full-blown media circus. There's going some speeches. Hand-shaking. A gala. I think Maroon 5 is in talks to perform, plus a famous Andalite morph-dancer. An _estreen_, I believe they're called. I kind of remember Ax saying I was like one."

"Uh-huh…" My eyes narrowed. I could take a wild guess where this was going.

"There's, uh, also going to be some press conferences…"

I dropped my spoon, completely giving up on my dinner. Not even broth was going to happen tonight.

"One of which they want all of the Animorphs to attend, a human interest sort of thing about our lives. I promised them I'd forward you the email myself when I got home. We sorta figured you'd delete it if you got it from the publicists."

I let my forehead drop onto the table dramatically.

"_Ugh." _That meant mobs of people, interviews, reporters, the whole nine yards. And this was big, not some little appearance on a news show. It wasn't even just a nationwide broadcast. This was going to be a worldwide event. It had been a nice long while since I had to participate in one of those. "All the Animorphs, huh?"

"That means not just me and Marco, this time."

Me. Tobias. Jake.

"Nope."

She reached around to rub my back sympathetically. "I thought you'd say that. But you know, we'll need new dresses for the gala. If you do the presser, I'll even let you buy me one."

I snorted. As if she would even attempt to get one for herself. Marco had several personal stylists that did an admittedly great job on his face, hair, and clothes. Cassie, on the other hand, refused to hire any and you had to practically strap her down to a makeup chair so studio hair and makeup could even get close to her. If she had her way, she'd waltz into the international gala in her old raccoon poop jeans from five years ago. She still had them in her closet.

"Obviously. What, did you think you can get one _yourself?_"

"It's sad that I've learned not to be offended by stuff you say," Cassie rolled her eyes. "But okay look, I thought you might fight this, so I'll let you get me one of those asymmetrical dresses you keep saying I'd look great in. Those one-shouldered things?"

My head snapped up. "Really?!"

"Yeah," she confirmed wearily.

"You would look _fantastic_ in a one-shoulder dress!"

"I know. You've been telling me this weekly for the past year and a half."

"So you _have_ been listening!"

"Rachel."

"Because, you know, you act like you don't."

_"Rachel."_

"Okay, I'm in."


	8. I - The Big Game

_**I.**_

* * *

**CHAPTER EIGHT - ****The Big Game**

* * *

The week flew right on by, giving way to a beautiful Saturday afternoon. I had been in an excellent mood for days. Spending time with my family must have done the trick, because since then I'd made up with Cassie, hung out more with Ben and Gary, and even attended and took notes in all my classes. The other students had finally gotten bored with their gaping and were largely learning to ignore my presence on campus. It was glorious.

I wasn't sure why I chose that exact moment to take a peek at my schedule book for the following week, but I did.

"I can't believe you even have one of those things again," Marco scoffed at my schedule book. "That's _so_ high school."

"Uh, not all of us want to hire a little minion to keep their life together."

"The minion is right here, guys," Kono waved. "Can we not compare me to a neon pink notebook?"

"Neon pink is all they had left at Staples," I said defensively, turning back to my calendar. My third week of classes brought with it the first round of exams, papers, and presentations. And as if I wouldn't already be a vibrating ball of unmitigated stress, the following week was the week-long media storm preempting Ax's homecoming. Then, midterms.

"I'm not gonna make it."

"Don't you think you're being a _little_ over-dramatic?" Kono asked.

"No. I'd like to be cremated, my ashes spread over the mountains near the Hork-Bajir."

"Not dramatic at all," Marco said dryly.

Kono had been begging me to go to the home opener football game between the BU Bearcats and the USC Trojans. I agreed, despite the fact that she had also invited Marco, who then invited Svetlana. I couldn't leave her to deal with those two alone. Plus, I wanted to make amends with Kono and Marco, make sure they knew I wasn't still furious at them for spying on me. Still a little pissed, maybe, but not furious.

Luckily, Svetlana couldn't make it at the last minute and Marco got the USC Trojan condom joke out of his system before we even got to our seats. Seats which, thanks to Marco's connections, we had upgraded to front row at the fifty yard line. Kono sat to my left wearing an FHBC t-shirt - a portion of proceeds from the game was going to the Foundation for Hork-Bajir Colonization, an organization based largely on Cassie's work - and Marco sat to my right in a Blythe U football jersey similar to mine. To his right sat everyone's favorite mountain of a bodyguard, Jose.

"You're a smart kid, you'll do fine," he said, his voice a deep bellow that almost sounded like it could shake the earth. If we all didn't already know him, we would have been scared.

Jose was six and a half feet tall and I swear, nearly as broad at the shoulders. He was a giant, his double-XL t-shirt was stretched tight over his chest and he could literally pick any of us up with one hand. I'd seen him do it to Marco, rescuing him from screaming girls at last years Emmys Red Carpet event. The private company that Marco hired him from charged a ridiculous amount for his services, but he was well worth it. Despite his hulking appearance, he was as stuffed full of teddy bear fluff as a behemoth could be. He had baby twin daughters that he showed pictures of to anyone that stood still enough, and he greeted all of us with huge, warm hugs. He could cradle any grown adult like a little child, and he did.

Unlike most other outings with Marco, Kono and Jose were his only staff present. Usually he was orbited by all manner of different assistants, publicists, stylists, security staff, reporters, umbrella-holders, etc, but the school stadium had strict capacity limits and despite celebrity status, we were only offered a certain number of seats. The opening game between Division rivals had been sold out since tickets first went on sale months ago.

"You_ will _do fine," Kono reassured me. "I'll help, and I'm sure Ben will help, too."

Marco and Jose leaned forward, suddenly super-interested in my whining.

"Why couldn't this little buddy of yours come today?" Jose asked. Being a 40-something year old woolly mammoth bodybuilder didn't change the fact that he was just as much a teenage girl as everyone else.

"Ben's stuck working concessions at the Union," I said simply. "Manning the ice cream truck in the quad until six or something. He's not really a sporty kind of guy anyway, unless you play it with a controller."

"Hottie like you, I thought you'd be more into the jock type," Jose said, winking and flexing his muscles. It was like watching tectonic plates move. I couldn't help but grin at him.

Marco barked out a laugh. "In high school Rachel used to eat jocks for breakfast. They were scared of her. Nah, Rachel's way more into the quieter, introspective, geeky type."

"There was literally just one – ugh, never mind. Ben is just my_ friend_," I stated for what I figured would be the first of a million times. I made sure to add my patented edge to the end of the sentence, so they knew I was done.

Marco and Kono shared a look. I chose to bite my tongue.

"So, how come Svetlana couldn't make it?" Kono asked Marco. I admired her very well hidden disgust and complete disinterest in Svetlana's schedule. Not for the first time, I wondered if Kono had by some mysterious miracle developed a_ thing_ for Marco. I was getting that feeling more and more often, lately.

He shrugged. "Modeling gig in New York. She won't be back until Wednesday. I couldn't go with her because of my work here this week."

Marco seemed genuinely put out about it. It almost made me feel bad for disliking his insipid poodle of a girlfriend so much. Almost.

Kono reached around me to pat him on the shoulder. "Wednesday will be here soon enough."

"It's fine," Marco waved us off, although I did notice his hand touch hers on his shoulder before she let go. This time Jose and I shared the look. I was going to have to ask Cassie about this tonight.

Cassie was downtown at City Hall. There was some big government meeting with a couple bigwigs and Toby's Hork-Bajir, something that apparently couldn't wait until Monday. Negotiations over a dedicated Hork-Bajir embassy were coming to a head, especially since the United States had been so quick to allow an Andalite embassy and base on Royan Island. It was kind of insult, in their eyes and ours.

The whole thing was a confidential, to eliminate disruptions and media presence. Ronnie and even Tobias was there with her, along with some congressman and most likely a whole mess of security personnel. Other than those attending the meeting, only Marco and I knew about it, and even we didn't know all the details.

"It's too bad Cassie had to head to the Hork-Bajir colony this afternoon," Kono commented.

"She thinks a touchdown is called a home run," I pointed out. "She's not missing anything."

"Still. It's fun to come to the games here, even if you don't know anything about sports," she said. "I feel like she's_ always_ working. It's the weekend!"

"Well, it's more like visiting a friend. Toby and her are close. Plus, you're one to talk." I cast a sidelong glance at her boss, who had taken off his Gucci aviators and was inspecting his reflection in the mirrored lenses.

"The_ real_ tragedy here is that I'm having a great hair day and I look really good in this green Blythe jersey, yet not one camera is allowed to focus anywhere near us," Marco pouted at me.

"Take it up with the government," I smirked. "Their rules. No one's allowed to photograph me while I'm on campus, and you're sitting right next to me."

"Maybe if I lean forward enough I'll get my fresh tape-up on the ESPN camera."

Kono laughed. "If you ask nicely, maybe Jose will dangle you over the rail."

Jose cracked his knuckles. "You don't even need to ask!"

We had arrived early at the game, so we had a good half hour or so to rib on each other before people really started to crowd us. We were just getting around to poking fun at Jose's awkward pineapple tattoo when someone tapped on my shoulder. When I turned around, I had no idea who I was looking at.

It was a young woman, maybe in her early to mid-twenties. She wore cat-eye jade glasses and the same FHBC shirt Kono was wearing. Her dark red hair was sleekly coiled in a bun and she wore minimal make up. Her expression was warm enough, but I was kind of annoyed at her interruption. Hopefully she'd back off before we had to sic Jose on her.

"Did you need something?"

"Rachel Berenson, it's a pleasure to finally meet you." The woman smiled and extended her hand. Cautiously, I shook it. "My name is Heather Bergen."

Beside me, Kono turned around and gasped.

"Heather!"

Heather turned to her. "It's nice to see you again...ah, I'm sorry…?"

"Kono," she reminded her. "Sakurako Kono."

"Right! Yes, I'm sorry. You'd think I'd remember such a lovely name."

I looked at Marco, but he was just as bewildered as I was.

"She's a_ reporter_," Kono explained. I didn't understand the emphasis, but it was clear she added it for my benefit. At least I knew now where my unexplainable distaste for her had come from.

Jose stood up in his seat and the metal bleachers creaked under his weight. To her credit, Heather didn't seem particularly frightened by it.

"Ma'am, Mr. Lanza and Miss Berenson are not conducting interviews at this time. They are here at their leisure and may I remind you that photographs are strictly…"

As Jose gave his patented "back off" speech, I felt Kono jabbing me in the side. I glared at her, she ignored it. She mouthed, _Tobias_.

"Hang on, were you... you were at Toby's press conference," I realized slowly. "You're the reporter that..."

I glanced back at Kono and she nodded subtly. Tobias's reporter. The one he was possibly seeing. Also, the one that convinced Cassie to go on stage, thus saving her life. One would think it would be harder to loathe the person that inadvertently saved your best friends life. Even if she was a_ reporter. _That was _dating your ex_.

"Yes, I was there." Heather shook her head sadly. "A tragedy, but I'm glad that you at least weren't involved."

I bristled. "Wasn't involved?! Those were_ my_ friends that nearly got killed!"

"Rach, you might want to keep it down," Marco hissed, glancing around. Other football fans were filling in the seats around us, and it wasn't like we were inconspicuous people.

"I only meant I'm glad you weren't there to be hurt," Heather said fairly. "It was some stroke of luck that you were running so late. I heard you were busy at school, I never meant to imply anything else."

"She's just very protective of her friends," Marco interrupted. He wasn't lying, at least.

Heather may not have meant to imply it, but it was there. That I had willingly chosen to stay at school with some guy I just met instead of supporting my friends. They could have been hurt or even killed and I wouldn't have been there to help. I had been too late. Useless. She didn't need to imply it, I had been thinking it all on my own for days.

I could feel myself getting unreasonable. I could hear myself seething. But I couldn't help it.

"Rachel, chill," Kono whispered, a hand on my back. She could feel me tensing up just at Heather's presence.

"I'm Marco," he held out his hand to the reporter. "I thinks believe we've actually met either. I was tied up at a benefit, so I couldn't make it to that press conference."

Heather shook his hand, keeping a curious, wary eye on me. "My pleasure. I've heard a lot about you from Tobias."

"All lies, of course," Marco said, his classic cliché line that for some reason made people swoon at his feet. The boy was always dripping with nauseating charm. "Tobias, huh? Don't tell me you're trying to do a story on him. He's kind of a tough nut to crack."

She actually laughed. "Yes, well, he is...crackable. He's more friendly than most people assume. Much more pleasant than I was prepared for, actually."

"What do you mean? He - " Marco finally caught Kono's eye. She had been shaking her head frantically at him and tilting her head at me. I practically heard something in Marco's brain click._ "Oh. _You're the - oh."

"Tobias told me he would be at the Hork-Bajir colony, said it was too nice of a day to spend cooped up in a packed stadium," Heather frowned, and a part of me was glad he didn't trust her yet with the truth. "Kind of a shame, especially since it is donating such a large portion of its funds to the Foundation. I think that he would have enjoyed this."

She spoke so properly, stiffly, like someone much older than her age. At closer glance, I estimated her to be just a year or so out of college, maybetwenty-four. Despite the casual t-shirt and jeans, she wore her make-up and hair more suitable for a board meeting. The way she held herself made her look tense, her back straight and head held high, eyes flitting quickly back and forth from all of us to the rest of the stadium. Way too uptight.

Though I'll admit maybe I was grasping for straws looking for something to hate about her.

"That's what Kono was saying earlier," Marco said. "Cassie's working, even though we told her these things are a lot of fun. It would be hard not to enjoy a nice day like this. It's gonna be sunny every day this week, I heard."

The fact that Marco was coming to my rescue, diverting the conversation from Tobias to the weather, only made my mood worse, as Marco's pity usually did. She seemed friendly enough, and for a reporter not even particularly pushy. She was an innocent, maybe she didn't even know about the history between Tobias and I.

"Tobias prefers to spend his sunny days in the sky," Heather shrugged, and looked directly at me. "He's told me this was something you enjoyed too, Rachel."

I gripped the bleachers so tightly my knuckles went white. She knew. She knew, and she was throwing it right in my face. My mind had gone numb and I couldn't even conjure up any of my usual biting replies.

Kono had to swoop in next. I hadn't even noticed that Marco was gently holding my wrist.

"I would have thought it'd be too warm to fly if it was sunny," Kono said conversationally. "Too close to the sun, you know? Wouldn't it be hot?"

Marco shook his head, helping her derail the Tobias talk. "Actually, the sun heats up the ground and causes these warm upwards air tunnels. The rising hot air makes gliding easier and flying less work!"

"No kidding," Jose said thoughtfully.

"I'm just worried all this good weather is going to run out by the time Prince Aximili arrives," Heather fretted, the subject effectively changed. "They're doing a lot of the press events outdoors, to accommodate the Andalite preference for open spaces. I'd hate for it to rain."

Then, to my complete and utter irritation, she plopped herself down on the bleachers next to Kono. Marco winced and Kono inched herself closer to me.

"I'm here by myself, so I managed to snag really good seats," she explained, making herself comfortable by the aisle.

"Excuse me, I have to use the bathroom," I said, quickly getting up. I was not that good of a person yet. I did not have the patience for this. As I stepped down to the bleacher in front of us to get around Heather, since she was now blocking my way with her huge camera bag, I noticed too late the strap hanging in front.

"Rachel, watch your step!" Kono cried.

"_Ahh!"_

My arms windmilled and I pitched forward, off balance. I faceplanted hard at the bottom of the bleachers. The entire stadium fell silent. I was seeing stars blinking all around me.

Jose got to me first and picked me up like I was made of paper.

"Are you okay?!"

"Doe, I'm _dot_ ogay!" I roared, squirming until Jose put me down. Marco was flagging down one of the team medics on the field. There was blood on my lip, mostly dripping from my nose, which was bright red and rapidly starting to swell shut. I pointed a furious finger at Heather. "You shubbed your bag dere on puhpus!"

Heather's eyes were wide as saucers. "I – I didn't - "

Kono got in between Heather and I. I didn't ever realize I was trying to get at her.

"Rachel, calm down, just sit until the docs get here and check out your head. It looked like you hit it pretty hard."

"Yeah, because ob_ her_," I sneered. The facial expression made me feel the bruise forming on my chin. The bridge of my nose ached. "I was seeing dese bwight lights and spots - "

"That could mean a concussion. Rachel, please, sit down."

"Like hell I will!" I ranted as Jose tried to look at my pupils.

"Do you still see the spots?"

I shook my head. "Doe. Dey stopped as soon as Jose bicked me ub off de..."

I trailed off. I hadn't imagined those bright blinking spots. I've had plenty of head injuries as an Animorph, so I knew what dazed spots were like. They didn't stop that abruptly. What I had seen was different...

"I'm sorry," Heather said desperately. "I'm sorry, I shouldn't have put my bag down, I'd just been carrying it all day, it was heavy! I didn't know you were – I thought you were going to climb up behind us, I - "

"Wait, wait, shut ub. Get offa be." I scrambled back down the bleachers.

Marco, Kono, Jose, and the team doctors shouted at me to slow down, but I had to check. I had to make sure. I flattened myself against the metal floor and peered at the space under the bleachers. There it was. The blinking lights, what I had thought were disorientation stars in my vision. Something was attached to the bottom of the seat. It was about the size of a toaster oven, and covered in wires. There were numbers on it, like a glowing digital clock. I couldn't tell exactly what it was, since it was hidden in the dark, but I could wild guess.

Jose pulled me back and took a look.

"What are you...oh, God – _BOMB!_" Jose cried. "Everyone back, BACK! It's a_ BOMB!_"

The stadium remained silent for an almost comical three seconds. And then, chaos.

People began to scream. Stadium staff did their best to maintain order, but it was a full-on stampede, with everyone trying to exit their bleachers all at once. It was only pure luck that the stadium hadn't completely filled up yet. I'm sure some people fell, pushed, shoved, and got stepped on. I would later find out that thankfully no one was seriously injured in the madness, but at the time I barely noticed any of it.

Jose practically hefted me over his shoulder and lifted Marco by the back of his jersey. Ahead of us, he prodded Kono to run faster, but all I could think of was what I had seen. There were lights. Wires. A timer?

Heather was fighting Jose, trying to push past him.

"Are you crazy?!" he demanded, still managing to grab her by the arm, even wrangling Marco and I. "Where are you going!?"

"I need to see something," Heather hissed.

"Unless you want to see yourself exploded, turn the fuck around!" Marco cried.

Heather stopped struggling and calmly looked up at Jose. "Sir, I'm very sorry. You seem like a very good man, and I hate to do this to you, but you're not giving me a choice."

"What - _ahhh!_"

Heather firmly bit down on Jose's huge, meaty arm. She bit him hard. I saw blood and Jose howled, letting her go and dropping me in the process. She ran and I fell face-first into the bleachers for the second time in three minutes.

"What the hell is going on?!" Marco shouted.

"Dat bitch just bwoke my dose _twice_, is what's goin' on!" I snarled, my vision blurry from the automatic tears. Blood was streaming from my nose and into my mouth. I took off after furiously, stumbling a bit after the two super-fun head injuries. Behind me, I heard Marco squirm free from Jose to stop me from whatever crazy thing I was about to do, while Kono came back to tend to Jose.

"Rachel! You idiot, what are you doing?!" Marco yelled. "Jesus Christ, I thought I was done following you to certain doom."

I ignored him, instead focusing on Heather, who had slid down to her stomach on the floor where I had first fell. She was staring under the seats.

"Listen, you - "

"It's not real," she said. For some reason, she sounded horrified.

"Huh?"

She looked up, her eyes wide, but not at me. It was like she was talking to herself. "It's not a real bomb. It's a dud."

"De fuck'er ya talkin' aboud?" My nose was making it harder and harder for me to speak. I crouched down to get a better view. Marco had caught up and bent to see it with me.

The bomb was there. Lights blinking. Numbers displaying 12:00.

"Iddoes look kinda werd," I admitted. "De numbuhs ar't tickin' dowd."

Marco shrugged. "Yeah. But I mean, how do you just _know_ it's not a real - "

When we both straightened, we realized Heather was gone. We'd lost her in the fray.

"What is_ up_ with that girl?" Marco wondered.

I narrowed my eyes. He saw and shook his head.

"Now you're suspicious of her?"

"She was at de bombig of Toby's ebent, and dow she's heuuh..."

"Kono was there too, do you think _she's _part of the Initiative?" Marco pointed out. "Heather is a _reporter_, her job is to be at things like this."

"You dond dink is ad lease a liddle bit suspec'?" I said angrily. "She just audomadickly dows a bomb is a fake just by lookid' at it, she's dere ad both bombings, add dow she just disappeared?"

"Okay, first of all, I barely understand what you're saying now, and second, I'll admit it's strange. But again, she's a journalist. She's probably done terrorism stories before and learned a few things," he shrugged. "Rachel, I can have my people look into her. I can run a background check so extensive I'll know when her first baby tooth fell out. If something's fishy, we'll know about it. But I'm just saying...I mean, she's the one Tobias is dating now, right?"

I rounded on him, enraged. "Dat is_ dot _what dis is aboud!"

He held up his hands defensively. "Hey, hey, okay. Whatever. But I'm saying, if it were me in your position, I'd be a little on the quicker side to jump to conclusions about her too, that's all."

"I sweah do God, Barco, I'b godda - "

Kono and Jose ran up to us, Jose holding his arm tenderly.

"That Heather girl is _crazy._" He scowled. "I lost her in the crowd. Can't believe she blends in so well, that red hair of hers."

"Uhhh, any reason why we're just standing around on top of a bomb and not running away screaming?" Kono asked.

"It's no good," Marco shook his head.

"Well, duh, it's a bomb."

"No, I mean, it's a fake. A dud."

"Why would someone put a dud bomb under our bleachers?"

"I'd assume they'd want all this to happen," Marco waved over at all the people screaming for the exits. I watched the stampede try to squeeze themselves out of the stadium. I was almost in awe at the spectacle.

"What, because some of the proceeds go to the Hork-Bajir?" Kono wondered.

As they speculated, I took another peek at the device under the bleachers, a closer look now that my eyes were no longer blurring.

I saw the letter "I" painted inside a red eye.

"Id's a fake because dey have somedin' bedder to do wid all deir resources," I realized, my stomach sinking. They'd caused a spectacle. That was their goal. Get everyone here, out of the way. "Dey hab a bigger target. Dis was just a distrackshud, to get the pocus on the wrog place."

Kono stared at me. "What?"

Marco was confused too, but I couldn't explain myself further. I was already starting to morph into my eagle.

"Why are you morphing? What are you – ?"

[Cassie. Tobias. Toby and the Hork-Bajir,] I said privately to him.

"Oh,_ shit," _he realized. "Oh, my God."

"Marco? Rachel?" Kono looked back and forth between us. "Why are you guys morphing? What's going on?"

I couldn't speak. I had to get to Cassie and Tobias.

[We have to get to City Hall,] Marco said to me, once he could thought-speak.

[How did they know about the meeting!?] I asked. [We were the only ones who knew!]

[I have no idea!]

It didn't matter we had to go,_ now._

"Are you guys private thought-speaking?!" Kono demanded. "Because that's rude as hell, when you guys do that."

[Their real target is in City Hall,] I told her. [This was just a decoy. A distraction.]

"But why - ?"

I looked at Kono and Jose with my fierce eagle glare.

[No time. We have to go. Call the cops, tell them to send a full team to catch up with us at City Hall. Okay? There is a terrorist threat_ there_, not here. Call them right now!]

By the time Kono whipped out her phone, I was airborne.

Later, I would find out that we were right. Heather was right. The bomb never went off, it was a complete dud. The BU stadium was evacuated quickly, thanks to Jose and the security staff. He practically carried everyone out of there on his back and the entire campus was put on lockdown. Kono, Heather and scores of others were detained while the FBI and a bomb squad swept the school and the surrounding area. They didn't find anything else.

But during all this, I was flapping like mad to City Hall. Marco in his osprey morph and I soared over the campus, where we could see terrified football fans running around in a panic. We flew over the Union and the quad where I hoped Ben would stay, sitting safely in his ice cream truck and balancing his triple scoops on little sugar cones.

[Fuck, look at that.] Marco said.

Below us, a squad of police vehicles and several SWAT teams descended on the campus. A whole freaking lot of them.

[Goddamn it, if they send the whole force here, there's going to be no one left to help us up at City Hall.] I shouted down at them. [TURN AROUND! GET TO CITY HALL!]

We did a low aerial sweep, yelling at them to get their asses together, but all we got were dozens of bewildered cops sticking their heads out the window and looking at empty sky.

[We do not have time for this,] Marco muttered.

He was right. This is what the Initiative had wanted, every emergency vehicle in a five mile radius rushing to the scene of a fake bomb scare, and then being trapped among ninety thousand football fans and their cars.

But we had done things like this without the cops help on multiple occasions for many years.

[Just like old times.]

[That's not a_ good_ thing, Rachel!]


	9. I - Extra-Curricular Activities

_**I.**_

* * *

**CHAPTER NINE - ****Extra-Curricular Activities**

* * *

We barreled over the downtown area until we could see the tall gray dome of City Hall. An unsettling calm surrounded the grounds. There were absolutely no police cars in sight.

[Fantastic,] Marco groaned. [No cops. Tobias and Cassie are MIA, Ax is in fucking space, and Jake is chilling eating pineapples or whatever in Hawaii. No backup whatsoever. This is _great._]

[I forgot how much you whine during missions.]

[I'm hurt. How could you forget?]

I veered right to start making a wide circle around the building. Marco followed close behind, loyally not letting me go it alone, despite his incessant chattering.

[Let's fly in through one of the top floors,] I suggested. [Whatever open window we can find.]

[How are we gonna find them, running around inside the building? We have a better viewpoint from out here looking in through windows. Lets do a fly-around until we find them before busting in.]

He was right, of course. Classic Marco. I'd have been lying if I said I wasn't sort of enjoying this. Other than the part where Cassie, Tobias, and the Hork-Bajir were in trouble, this was everything I had been missing for the past three years. A mission. A goal. A dangerous life-threatening situation. I lived for this kind of thing. I had been aching for it.

[Not a lot of people in there,] I observed.

[It's Saturday. City Hall is mostly closed. That's why they chose today to talk about the embassy. Less people around, low-key, easier to keep a secret. Or so we thought,] Marco said grimly.

[What I meant was Cassie and the others would probably be where most of the people are. It should be easier to find.]

[Oh. Right, you go that way, I'll cover this wing.]

We took off, arcing in separate directions. I focused my eagle glare on each window. Empty room, empty room, woman on a computer looking up airline tickets, janitor, some guy trying to fix a projector, empty room, empty room... There were several sets of windows that were dark and had the shades pulled down, but they were all random and sporadic, no indication of foul play. Were we wrong about this? Even the people that were inside the building didn't seem to notice anything was wrong.

But that usually just meant that everything was.

[Rachel, I'm not seeing anything but I'm getting a really bad feeling about this…]

[Me too,] I sighed. [Let's - ]

Very suddenly I saw a quick movement. A man, dressed in drab grey coveralls and brandishing a mop, was sprinting down the halls. I saw him running past whatever few windows were open, his mouth pressed into a thin line and his eyes narrowed. I didn't know where he was going, but he seemed very determined to get there.

[Marco, I may have something here.]

[What?]

I flew after the man, trying to keep track of his whereabouts. It was hard, since many of the windows had their shades drawn and I kept losing him every few rooms.

[I have a runner here! I don't know who it is, but he's trying to get somewhere fast. First floor, east wing but heading west. Dressed like a janitor, I think.]

[I'm coming! Wait for me! Wait - oh, who am I kidding.]

I, of course, didn't wait. I spotted a window open down on the first floor, several rooms ahead of where the man was running. It was open just a little, but no screen. Just enough to squeeze a bald eagle through.

Or at least, that's what I thought. I rocketed forward like a missile, aligning myself with all the precision of an instinctive eagle and experienced human war veteran. But instead of speeding with enough force to squeeze through the window opening, I embarrassingly found myself stuck, wedged in window opening just an inch or so too small for my eagle girth. I fluttered my wings and wiggled my legs uselessly.

[Are you fucking serious right now?] Marco demanded, catching sight of my hindquarters sticking out of the window. He'd caught up to me, apparently.

[I'm stuck!]

[This_ is_ just like old times. You look like a cartoon.]

[Marco, your osprey is smaller than mine. If you aim just right, you can push me the rest of the way through and follow me in.]

[Aw, _mannn..._]

[Marco!]

[Okay, okay, jeez. Here goes.]

He torpedoed directly into my feathery butt and I popped from the window like a cork from a bottle. He rolled in after me and we skidded across a conference table, tumbling to the carpeted floor in a mess of feathers and beaks and talons.

[Let's never, ever tell anyone about that,] Marco suggested.

[Good idea,] I agreed. [Let's go.]

We hurtled through the thankfully open door, right into the path of our running man.

He cried out in surprise at the sudden appearance of an eagle and osprey. His expression went from shock, to anger, to confusion. A reasonable chain of emotion, but I'd seen him through the windows. He hadn't seemed confused then, had he?

"Aléjate de mí! Déjame en paz!"

If he wasn't a real janitor, he seemed to be committing to the part very well, waving his mop around threateningly. From his belt, about a million dirty keys jangled together loudly, somehow making this already ridiculous scene even crazier.

[Whoa, whoa there, buddy! Do you speak English?] I asked, fluttering out of the way of his mop. He didn't appear to, casting some doubt on my original suspicions.

[He's telling us to leave him alone,] Marco translated. [Uh, somos...los Animorphs, dude. Yo soy Marco y esta es Rachel.]

The janitor tentatively lowered his mop. "Marco Lanza y Rachel Berenson?"

[Uh..._si,_] Marco said.

[Good one.]

[Shut up, I don't see_ you _helping!]

The janitor just stood there, utterly bewildered. Then he raised his mop again, appropriately wary of the two birds talking to him in his head. Maybe I was wrong about him.

"Me han mentido antes. No sé quién eres en realidad. Usted podría ser el enemigo."

[Uh...he said something about us being the enemy or something. What if we're the enemy, maybe?]

[I should demorph, so he won't be so freaked out,] I said. I also wanted to morph something a little more powerful than an eagle, and I had to go through my human body to get there.

[Yeah, because watching someone shapeshift doesn't freak anyone out.]

I demorped anyway, unafraid. I shot up to my full height faster than my feathers were able to absorb into my human skin, and before my wings could become arms. To the janitor, a regular-sized eagle had just grown into a huge monster before his very eyes.

He cried out and hit me with his mop.

_"Kroaawwww!"_ I squawked, my beak not quite a mouth, but I had already lost my thoughtspeak.

[Ow, that had to hurt,] Marco commented helpfully. [Deténgase! Ella es un ser humano!]

"You better have told him to stop hitting me!"

The janitor swatted me again, this time in the stomach.

"_Owwww!"_

[I tried!]

Just as he was about to swing his goddamn mop at me a third time, my blond hair came spurting from my scalp like a golden fountain. His eyes widened.

"_Dios mío._ Rachel Berenson?"

"_Si!_ Yo soy _Rachel fucking Berenson!_" I said angrily, snatching the mop from his hands with my still wing-like hands. "Don't fucking hit people with mops, you _idiota!_"

"Lo siento mucho! No sé lo que está pasando, sólo estoy tratando de limpiar! Hay tantas cosas sucediendo al mismo tiempo! Lo siento!" He was babbling, his hands quivering over his face.

[Uh, he's really, really sorry and stuff?]

"Yeah, well, I still sort of wanna hit him with this mop."

"Hay hombres muy malos aquí. Se llevaron a los extraterrestres. Creo que están tratando de matarlos! Necesitan su ayuda!"

I looked at Marco, who looked back at me blankly.

"Gee, glad to see your Spanish is coming along."

[Is this really the time to be racist? I was raised by my single white dad for like half my life, in case you forgot!]

"I'm not being - "

The janitor threw his hands up in exasperation and pointed down the hallway at the stairs.

"Por ahí!"

"That's the direction he was running from," I realized. "He must have been running away. That has to be where Cassie and Tobias are! Tell this guy to get out of here, we have to - "

[Wait, we just let him go?]

"Why not, because he saw me morph? We don't exactly have to keep our identities secret anymore."

[No, I mean what if he's one of them and he's just pretending?] Marco said suspiciously. [What if he knows something? We can't just let him go.]

I scrutinized the man doubtfully. He looked at me with wide, innocent eyes.

"He doesn't seem like he'd be part of the Initiative…"

[Why? Because he's _hispanic?_]

"That's not what I - I'm not being - !"

Marco snickered. [I'm just messing with you. Still, we should lock him in the - ]

Suddenly the janitor's fist flew right square into my nose. I was sprawled on the floor, seeing stars _again_, blood trickling from my nose _again._

"What the fuck!" I cried, clutching my face as my vision blurred. _Again._ "Three fucking times!"

"I didn't want to do it," the janitor growled in infuriatingly perfect English. "But I seriously do not have time for you people."

He gave Marco a vicious kick, which he just managed to dodge. Then he swung the mop, sending Marco into the wall.

[I knew he was faking!] Marco howled.

"_He broke my fucking nose!"_

[After him!]

The janitor dropped the mop and was fleeing, in the opposite direction of where he had been pointing us. He'd been trying to throw us off the trail! I tore after him, blood and tears streaming down my face, making it hard to see and breathe. But I didn't have time to morph. I had to get this asshole.

Marco flew ahead, catching up quicker and ripping into the guy's face. He cursed, trying to swat at him. An osprey could definitely slow him down, but it wouldn't stop him. That was up to me.

"Marco, get away!" I cried. Startled, Marco complied and extracted his talons from his face as I dove, tackling him to the floor.

"_Ooooof!" _

I was a hundred and twenty pounds of skinny blonde. This fake janitor outweighed me by maybe eighty pounds. But after you've been assaulted by an osprey, you were a little more susceptible to sneak attacks. And if that sneak attack involved a good knee to the nutsack, you stayed down.

[Ooooh, _damn_, Rachel!]

I gave him another good kick before running into the closest office and emerging with some duct tape. The janitor cursed, but was completely incapacitated from the balls down. I duct taped his legs together, then his hands, which he was using to clutch his crotch.

"Stop! Stop, wait - !" he was saying, before I duct taped his mouth, too.

"Save it for the judge, terrorist," I snarled.

[You just couldn't help saying that, could you?]

I started to morph into my grizzly bear.

"Come on, Marco, demorph. We have to go, we've wasted enough time already!"

Marco hesitated.

[Wait, can you look away first?]

I rolled my eyes as a furry muzzle protruded from my face.

[Really?]

[Not all of us still wear our morphing outfits under our clothes like lunatics!]

[We're both adults here, come on. It's not like I haven't seen one before.]

[Just turn around! Jeez, Rachel!]

I complied, taking time to make fun of him at least three more times as we morphed. It had been a while since we had morphed in such quick succession. I had forgotten how exhausting it was. But there was no way I was barging into a room full of terrorists in my human body, no matter how impressive my tackling skills were. Grizzly was definitely the way to go. Marco thought the same, and when he let me look at him, he was a gorilla. He pounded his chest for good measure.

[It's clobberin' time! Oh man, I did miss this big guy.]

Together, we easily dragged the guy into the office and shoved him into a closet. Unable to find the key in his endless key ring, we resorted to taping all around the door and moving a desk in front of it.

Marco grabbed a piece of paper from a printer and wrote a note.

_INITIATIVE ASSHOLE INSIDE. CALL THE COPS._

[Now what?] he asked.

[No idea. I guess we shoulda asked that guy where he was going.]

[Yeah, that might have been easier _before_ we taped his mouth shut and locked him in a closet.]

[What if - ?]

Suddenly we heard a crackling, like static. It was coming from the closet.

[Did you know he had a radio?] I asked. Marco shook his head.

"_Sanchez, you there? Sanchez, you gotta get down to the basement. And bring your mop and broom, it looks like a fucking tornado went through here. I'm by B12. Bring a flashlight too, because its dark as - oh, shit! Shit! Fuck! Ahhhh!"_

Marco and I stared at each other.

[The basement!]

[B12!]

We tore down the hallway, got to the stairwell entrance by the elevators and stared at the tiny doorknob. I jabbed at it with my claws and looked over at Marco. He reached out two fat, sausage fingers, but couldn't get a good grip on it either.

[You have got to be kidding me!] I started to back up, ready to slam the door down.

_Ding!_

That's when the elevator arrived on our floor. Another janitor was inside, looking thoroughly terrorized. He was shouting into a radio.

"Sanchez, if you hear me, call the cops, theres - holy shit!"

He was face to face with a grizzly bear and a gorilla.

[GET OUT!] we roared at him. He didn't need to be told twice. He tumbled out of the elevator, whimpering and wetting his pants.

We squeezed into the surprisingly tiny elevator and pushed the button for the basement B-level. The doors closed, and then we heard a loud, very, very loud, screech.

[What was that?!] Marco yelped.

[Uh, how much does a grizzly bear and gorilla weigh?]

[I don't know. A lot? I'm like, 400 pounds and you're probably twice that.]

[So together we're more than that, I guess?] I pointed a claw at the sign. Maximum weight capacity: 800 pounds.

[Oh. Yeah.]

The elevator grinded slowly and loudly about halfway down the shaft and bounced, a terrifying feeling.

[This is gonna hurt,] Marco said.

[Yup.]

The elevator bounced one more time, as if held up by rubber bands, and then suddenly we were falling.

[Ahhhh!]

[AAAHHHHH!]

We crashed onto the basement level, slammed on top of each other. Smoke filled the elevator. I jammed my claws into the doors to pry them open and we rolled out, cursing like pirates.

[We are too fucking old for this!] Marco whined.

[Look, there's B12!]

The hallway was completely empty, save for the three unconscious Hork-Bajir on the floor. They must have been posted there as security. It was a little strange that they hadn't posted any human guards, but I figured Hork-Bajir were that much more effective.

We ran to them first.

[They were shot,] Marco said. [There are bullet holes.]

He could see in the dimly lit basement with his gorilla eyes better than I could. But I could feel the sticky blood beneath my paws just fine without him needing to tell me.

[Are they…?]

[They're all breathing,] he confirmed. [I can see them, but not easily.]

[They're bleeding a lot. They need help,] I said.

[I don't think they're the only ones,] Marco nodded behind me.

I turned and saw the door that they were apparently trying to guard was wide open.

[Shit.]

We squeezed through the door and stared. The powerpoint presentation about the planned Hork-Bajir embassy was still playing on the projector. The lights were off and everyone must have had their attention on the screen. The Initiative had taken that moment to strike.

There was a large red eye smeared onto the white screen, visible under the light of the projector. In the place of the iris, the capital letter 'I'.

[It's Ronnie!] I cried. I could recognize him sitting limply in his chair. I spun him around and stared at his chest, watching for the rise and fall of breath. He was alive. Completely out, but alive.

[There's more Hork-Bajir,] Marco said. [None of them are Toby. Cassie and Tobias are missing, too.]

There were three Hork-Bajir inside the meeting room, hopefully just unconscious, mixed with maybe eight humans. A few I recognized from meetings and media events, mostly from when I tagged along with Cassie to her job. I was surprised to identify Congressman Howe on the floor. Not that he was there, since he was a vocal antagonist of the Hork-Bajir campaign and basically a dick about all this stuff, but because he wasn't missing like our friends. He was an important person, why leave him behind?

[The humans were tranquilized. I can see the darts. But the Hork-Bajir were _shot_,] Marco said, crouched down next to one. [It looks like they tried to _kill_ the Hork-Bajir.]

[Good thing they are hard to kill,] I said, scanning the room. The Hork-Bajir here were breathing, though even I could tell they were more shallow than normal. Pools of blood were puddling under their bodies and staining the carpet.

[Not that hard. These guys are dying. If we can find something and apply some pressure to the wounds…] Marco said, probably trying to think what Cassie would do. [Come on, Rachel, help me - ]

But I knew we couldn't help them. Not all of them. Not nearly enough.

A Hork-Bajir suddenly grabbed Marco's wrist.

"Find Toby," he pleaded. "Find them."

A Hork-Bajir laying by me moaned in agreement.

"Toby need help."

"Go…!" Another Hork-Bajir said weakly, her voice bubbling with some kind of fluid. "Go help Toby!"

As if on cue, we started hearing sirens in the distance.

[They're coming,] I said hastily. [The ambulance and the cops. Kono must have managed to redirect them all. Come on, Marco, they can help these guys better than we ever could. We need to find Cassie, Tobias, and Toby. They aren't here.]

Marco sighed. [But where are they?]

I flipped on the lights, frustrated with my poor sense of sight. That was when I saw the tracks in the carpet. Small tracks made by small wheels.

[They were carried out,] I said. [On a cart or something. They were kidnapped!]

[But where?] Marco wondered, staring at the tracks with me. They ended once they went out into the shiny linoleum flooring of the hall. We couldn't follow the trail that way.

"Good humans," a Hork-Bajir's voice rattled. His voice, I recognized immediately.

[Nerf!] I cried, crouching down over Toby's mate. He did not look good.

"Pretend to be good humans, but bad. Pretend to help hurt humans, but no help."

[What?]

"Bad humans, pretend good! Pretend help, but take Toby and friends!"

Marco suddenly froze. [Wait a second. Does it sound like the ambulance sirens are getting _further_ away, not closer?]

[What do you mean?] I listened with him. Then, it clicked.

[Not carts. They were taken out on _stretchers!_] I realized. That's what the Hork-Bajir had meant. [Ambulance stretchers! The Initiative must have been disguised as EMTs!]

[We have to follow the siren! They're getting away!]

"Go!" Nerf urged us. The other Hork-Bajir murmured in agreement. "Go! Help Toby!"

We started to demorph, trying to run as we did. It was very, very tiring to morph this much, but we managed and soon we were an eagle and osprey again, hurtling through the sky, trying to follow the sound of a siren that was getting more and more distant. To make things worse, new sirens were joining it. It looked like Kono _had_ managed to reroute the cops. A new squadron of cars were heading to City Hall now and their noise was drowning out the one ambulance we were trying to tail.

[I think I see it!] Marco cried. [Heading south on Marigold Avenue!]

I saw it too. Normally, there would be no way two birds of prey could keep up with a speeding ambulance, but thankfully the traffic was slowing it down. Even with its siren blaring, it wasn't like the drivers of Southern California were known to handle traffic well. They moved slowly, and couldn't make way even if they wanted to.

We caught up to the ambulance. The driver was wearing a black bandana covering the lower half of his face. Not sketchy or cliche at all.

[What do we do now?] I wondered.

[I don't know. It's not like we could dive-bomb an ambulance as a couple of birds!]

_Or could we?_

Marco saw me angle my wings and straighten my tail.

[Oh, no. No, Rachel. No, no, no, no – _Rachel!_]

I dove, feeling the the adrenaline spark inside me like a live wire. It was the sweetest thing I'd tasted in months, aiming headfirst straight for the open window of the passenger's side. There was another masked guy in that seat. Attacking him first would distract the driver, maybe run him off the road, but hopefully he'd maintain enough control not to wreck the ambulance and hurt Cassie and the others. Above, I could hear Marco shouting at people around us on the street.

[STOP! EVERYONE STOP! OFF THE ROAD!] He was yelling openly at every motorist in range, trying to protect them from what I was about to do. From the kidnappers, and from me. [GET AWAY FROM THE AMBULANCE!]

I could see all the cars listen. Not everyone was used to hearing voices in their heads like we were, but they definitely knew how Animorphs communicated in morph. They knew something was going down. The cars all turned, backed off from the spectacle we were making - an osprey making sweeping circles over the road screeching while an eagle hurled her crazy self at an ambulance.

I zoomed through the window, talons out, and hit the passenger right in the face. I tore at his skin and he howled. The driver swerved in panic.

[Stop this thing!] I demanded, slashing my guy. I think I got him in the eye. My talons and beak were splattered in blood. My heart raced in mad excitement. [Stop now!]

Instead of listening, the driver held up a gun.

[Oh. Shit.]

[Rachel, am I seeing a gun!?] Marco cried. [Bail out! Get out of there now!]

[Um, working on it!]

The driver fired. I felt my wing crumple and the pain nearly crippled me.

[Okay, this is going to be harder than I thought!] I admitted.

[Fuck. Fuck, Rachel. Okay, I'm going in!]

[No!] I shouted at Marco. [I can get out, I just need to - ]

Too late. The driver cocked the gun again and the open window was too far away. He was driving really slow now, but I still wasn't sure I could even survive that fall in my condition. I jabbed the passenger again right in the neck, more in frustration than anything else.

[Gotcha!]

Marco swooped in through the driver's window.

"Another one!?" He cried.

[Yeah, buddy. You messed with the wrong crowd.] Marco couldn't quite pull the gun away from his startled hand, but he knocked off his aim. The driver fired through the floor at an awkward angle. The ambulance jolted and swerved sharply, causing the driver to slam his head against the steering wheel. He was stunned for a moment, and we took that opportunity to make a break for it.

[Okay, let's go, Xena,] Marco grabbed me by my injured wing and I was almost blinded by the agony.

[_Ow!_ What the shit, Marco!?]

[I can't carry you out of here by myself, I need you to use your good wing!]

He dragged me across the lap of the passenger, how who was completely distracted by the fact that I had gouged out his right eye. It was excruciating, but together we were able to hoist me up and out of the passenger side window. We hit the pavement, dazed.

[They're getting away!] Marco said. I could see the back of the ambulance open up, and a bunch of booted legs hit the ground running. I assumed the driver had shaken it off and was jumping out his side as well.

[We can't let them!] I said savagely, starting to demorph.

[Wait...what - is that an ice cream truck?!]

I looked up and yes, there was an ice cream truck barreling across the intersection.

[What the - Marco, MOVE!] I shoved him with all the strength left in my bloodied and broken body and we flopped out of the way, just in time.

_BOOM! CRRRRUNCH!_

The ice cream truck crashed right into the cab of the ambulance, missing us by mere inches. The ambulance was shifted sideways, not quite turning over, but I could see from underneath the four masked men, toppled over by the force. Two were running away, but it was too late to catch them. I saw police cars slowly making their way over, but they wouldn't catch the two runners.

[Holy shit!] Marco cried. [What was that?!]

[Are you okay?]

[Am _I_ okay!? Am I _okay!? _No, I am not fucking okay! And neither are you, you absolute fucking _nutcase!_]

He was fine. I demorphed and as soon as I had legs, I ran over to the back of the ambulance, making sure to stomp the two Initiative guys on the ground right square in the balls before climbing inside. I'd been doing a lot of sack-kicking but it had been a very, very long-ass day.

Cassie was unconscious, thankfully otherwise unhurt and strapped to a stretcher. She was alive, her breaths easy and unlabored. So was Toby, who couldn't fit on a regular stretcher, so she was in chains on the floor. A red tailed hawk was taped in his own blood-splattered stretcher.

He was awake.

"Oh, my God. _Tobias!_" I ran over to him and a sudden rush of feelings washed over me. I started to hastily peel away the tape.

[Whoa, ow. Ow - ow! Watch the feathers!]

"You're...you're bleeding!" I cried. "This is a lot of blood, you have to morph - !"

[Rachel, relax. It's not my blood.]

'What?"

[It's not my blood. I'm fine.]

Before I even realized what I was doing, I had my arms around him and squeezed him as tightly as a bird's body could tolerate. I let go after a few seconds, feeling very foolish.

"Sorry."

[No, it's… I… Thank you.]

I was blushing bright red, I knew. "Sorry. Are you…?"

[I'm okay. I'm okay, Rach,] Tobias said. [They never got me with a dart, they just captured me. I've just been watching Cassie and Toby, making sure they were breathing.]

I frowned. "Why didn't you just morph out of there?"

[When I woke up, they had guns on me!] Tobias said defensively. [What was I supposed to do?]

I didn't answer him. My heart was pounding, even though it was all over. They were all okay. Why was my heart still pounding?

Turning away from him, I went over to Cassie to make absolutely sure she was fine. I wished she would wake up. She could try and make this whole thing a lot less awkward.

[Are _you_ okay?] Tobias asked finally. Worriedly.

I'd forgotten how warm his thought-speak was. It was all-encompassing, like a physical touch. When he showed me concern, it felt like he was holding me without even having to. No one else could show emotion in a thought-speak voice like he could.

[I heard the commotion out there. Figured it had to be you.]

"I'm fine."

"Hey," Marco appeared at the door, fully human and wrapped in what looked like a paramedic's blanket. It bore the logo for Downtown Medical Center. "The cops are here. I told them I'd come here first, make sure no one was making out or whatever before everyone came in."

We glared at him.

"Chill, guys, I didn't mean you two. I meant Rachel and Cassie." He ducked as I threw a wad of tape at his head. "Everyone good?"

"Just get the paramedics in here, you loser," I grumbled, shoving him aside as I jumped out of the ambulance. Tobias fluttered out after me.

"Sure. But first," he grabbed my arm and I stopped, surprised. "That was really, really immeasurably stupid, Rachel. And it was stupid of me to follow you, but awful of you to give me no choice. You know?"

He spoke in a low, serious tone that I wasn't used to from him. He was making sure to say his peace before we walked out into the street where everyone could see us. Marco was reminding me of Jake, and it was unnerving. Especially since Jake had given me that stern talk before.

I shook him away, unable to help feeling indignant. I hadn't asked him to follow me anywhere. I never asked anyone for anything. So why was I feeling so guilty about something _Marco_ decided to do?

"Sorry." I said hastily and went back out to the street, where I knew Marco had to keep up appearances. I was safe from him making me feel guilty there. Sure enough, he forced a smile on his face.

"Oh, and you'll never guess who our ice cream truck hero was."

There was now a second ambulance, a real one, that had pulled up by the sidewalk. Sitting on his own stretcher there, looking thoroughly annoyed, was Ben.

"Oh, my God!" I cried, sprinting over. _"Ben!?"_

He spotted me and grinned his stupid grin. "Oh, hi, Rachel!"

"Are you okay?! _What the hell is the matter with you?!_" I looked him over but I didn't see much. A bloody lip, and he was favoring his left hand. But that was it.

The paramedic shook her head.

"He looks okay. I doubt there was any major head injury, but ice cream trucks don't have air bags -"

"Which I think is a major safety flaw," Ben interjected.

"It's an_ ice cream truck!_" I cried. "It's meant to go like, two miles an hour through school zones, not ram over ambulances!"

He shrugged. "I feel good. Except my arm."

The paramedic nodded. "His wrist looks bad, so we're taking him for that but they might also want to admit him overnight for observation."

"No big deal," Ben said sheepishly.

"If you weren't just in an ice cream truck accident, I would punch you right now," I said angrily. "What on _earth_ were you thinking?!"

Behind me I could hear Marco whispering to Tobias,_ "Pot, meet Kettle."_

I realized I couldn't even tell him to shut up. He was right.

Ben smirked at that, and nodded. "Well, when I heard about the thing at the game, I shut down the truck and went to the Union to find out what was going on from the big TV. The news was saying the fake bomb was a distraction, and the cops were all headed to City Hall, where some secret Hork-Bajir meeting was being held. It also said you and Marco were missing. I put two and two together."

"So you climb into a fucking ice cream truck and crash it into a moving ambulance?!"

"That wasn't exactly the plan," Ben said. "At first I was just going to follow the cops. I wanted to make sure you were okay, I don't know."

"_Stupid!"_

Marco coughed loudly. Then abruptly looked at Tobias. He was talking to him privately. Marco rolled his eyes, but shut up.

"But there was tons of traffic so I went another way, up Marigold. That's when I saw an eagle and a hawk - "

"Osprey," Marco corrected annoyingly.

" - chasing after an ambulance. Everyone heard the voice telling everyone to clear out of the way, but then I saw both you guys dive into the ambulance and heard the gunshots. I was close enough to see you guys fall out the window, and the bad guys getting out the back. So..."

"So you should have stayed away!" I cried. "You just let them get away, you don't make a kamikaze ice cream truck - "

"The driver was coming back around with his gun," Ben interrupted. "He was going to shoot you guys."

That shut me up a little.

"So..._that's_ when I did the Kamikaze Ice Cream Truck."

Marco grinned. "That's so Twisted Metal."

Ben brightened. "Right!? I'm Sweet Tooth!"

"You totally are, bro! Nice Deadpool shirt, by the way."

"Thanks! I got it at Comic Con."

"Cool!"

I pressed a finger at the bridge of my nose. A brand new headache.

"Okay, if you don't mind, I'm going to take Mr. Wen to the hospital," the paramedic said, gently laying him down and strapping him in. Ben waved goodbye to me with his good hand as they loaded him into the ambulance.

"See you at school!"

I waved back feebly and turned to face Marco. I had completely forgotten Tobias was even there. I couldn't look at him.

"He seems really cool," Marco said.

"Shut _up_."

[He does, though,] Tobias said quietly. [Pretty brave, in a dumb kind of way. I could see why you like him.]

_Now_ I could look at him. "Excuse me?"

[I didn't mean it as an insult,] he said quickly.

"Even though you _should_," Marco interjected helpfully.

[I just meant - ]

I flared up at them both. "If you two want to say something to me, just say it - "

"Uh, actually, this might be our cue to leave," Marco whispered, nodding his chin at something behind me. I looked over my shoulder and saw a small fleet of reporters descending upon us.

"Oh, no."

Tobias immediately went airborne. I jumped into the closest ambulance, already crowded with Cassie's stretcher and two paramedics.

"Marco, get in here!"

"Maybe one of us should stay behind and - "

"You're wearing a blanket."

"You don't think they'd find it sexy?"

"Oh, for God's sake, would you just - ?"

I grabbed him by the blanket and pulled him inside with us. The ambulance took off, sirens blaring. Overhead, Tobias spoke to us.

[Hey, I'm gonna catch up with you later. I'll check on Toby and Cassie tomorrow morning. I know they're in good hands anyway.]

"Where's he off to?" Marco wondered.

I knew where he definitely wouldn't be, at least while I was there. He was warning me about visiting the hospital in the morning, so I'd know to avoid that time.

"No idea."


	10. I - Overwhelmed

_**I.**_

* * *

**CHAPTER TEN - Overwhelmed**

* * *

Toby woke up as soon as they arrived at the hospital, and nearly sliced open a dozen doctors and nurses in her confusion. I was able to calm her down, but predictably, she didn't want to stay for longer than it took to check on Cassie and her people. The Hork-Bajir from City Hall had been transported quicker, along with Ronnie, the congressman, and the others. The humans would all be fine, but unfortunately Downtown Medical Center was ill-equipped to treat Hork-Bajir.

Three of them died.

When they all awoke, they refused to stay at the hospital. Even injured themselves, they carried the bodies of their friends and walked out in peace. I very much did not. I morphed into an elephant and stomped around yelling at everyone to back off until the reporters cleared them a path, and then I watched them get on a shuttle back to their colony, where they could mourn privately.

Marco had gone to find Kono and Jose, who we hadn't heard from since we left them at the stadium. Lord even knew where Heather was, although I seemed to be the only one concerned about that. I promised I'd stay in the hospital until Cassie woke up. It took her another hour, probably since she was so much smaller than Toby and even all the other humans that were tranquilized.

Her eyes fluttered open slowly and she stared blankly at the ceiling for a few seconds, trying to orient herself.

"Hey," I said softly. I was the only one in the room. The staff let me kick everyone out as long as I promised to call them back in if there were any changes. Consciousness was probably one of the changes they were talking about, but I figured it couldn't hurt to have a few minutes alone. I took a peek at the monitor that had attached to her. Her heart rate had picked up ever so slightly, as did her blood pressure. Not enough to alert them outside, though.

She groggily turned her head towards me and squinted.

"Mom?"

I snorted. "Seriously? I know you're drugged, but you think I'm a middle-aged black woman?_"_

"Oh. Rachel."

"Gee, what tipped you off?" I asked dryly.

"Even my mom's not this annoying."

I sat on the edge of the bed to hug her. "You good?"

"My vision's all blurry," Cassie said hoarsely. "It's hard to move. I feel like my mouth is full of cotton."

"Morph," I said, suggesting our old standby. "Something that won't make the heart monitor you're wearing go haywire. As soon as they see a change in your vitals they're gonna come swarming in here."

She grinned weakly and a few minutes later, I was sitting next to a fourteen year old version of myself. It was the only human morph she had, one of the few humans any of us had.

"Wow," she said, clearly feeling better already. She squirmed. "Your morph is so _restless_."

"Yeah but _man_, I used to have such nice nail beds," I said, holding up her hand and comparing them to mine. That first year we fought the yeerks had been rough, but nothing compared to what I had done in the last months. These were the hands of a girl who hadn't yet been completely consumed by war. Hands that had been dipped in blood, but not yet permanently stained. Hands that could be washed clean.

She rolled her eyes and pulled her hand away, breaking my train of thought.

"Is Ronnie okay?"

"Yeah. All the humans are alive. Ronnie's upstairs in his own room. He woke up a while ago. His mother is with him already."

Cassie nodded quietly. She didn't wasn't going to run up and visit him quite yet, unless she wanted to accidentally meet her boyfriend's mother in the process.

"And the Hork-Bajir?"

I took a deep breath. Cassie squeezed her eyes shut.

"Toby?"

"No. Toby's okay. People were shot - "

"Yeah, I was there."

" - we lost three Hork-Bajir. Jira and Kilni Korat, and the little one, Graw. They took them back to the colony about an hour ago."

Cassie's eyes darkened. The heart rate monitor started to beep a little faster.

"You'd better demorph," I advised. "I think you've tipped them off."

She did, her heart rate and blood pressure climbing. But by the time the doctors and nurses heard it at the station and rushed in, Cassie was herself again. Wide awake and healthy, just holding in tears.

The staff pushed me out of the way so they could fuss over her for a little while. They poked, prodded, listened to her chest, and shined an obnoxiously bright light in her eyes. When they were certain her body wasn't going into multiple organ failure or whatever, and that her blood pressure and heart rate were due to stress, they offered her a pitcher of water and a cup of jello before finally leaving us alone again. I convinced them to leave the heart monitor off.

We just sort of sat there silently.

"Jira and Kilni were sweethearts," Cassie said sadly. "Graw was only _four years old_…"

I got up out of my chair and squeezed back into the bed, putting my arm around her.

"I'm sorry."

She rested her head on my shoulder. "Jira was a good friend of Toby's. They all...they must be _crushed._"

"I think Tobias is up there with them now, trying to help," I said, not sure whether or not it was true. I honestly had no idea where Tobias had gone, but it would set Cassie's mind at ease. I knew the only thing she was thinking now was that she couldn't be there with the Hork-Bajir right this second. If she had her way, she'd be flying there already.

"Excuse me, Miss Heyward? Miss Berenson?"

We looked up to find a nurse in the doorway wringing her hands nervously. Behind her were two men in suits that I could only describe as looking like the nameless agents from Men in Black, without the cool sunglasses. They were both olive-skinned men with dark beards and receding hairlines, holding identical notepads. One was taller than the other, and the shorter one had older-looking eyes, but they didn't exactly have a lot of distinguishing features.

"These are Agents Hernandez and Kepler of the FBI," the nurse told us. "They're here to ask you some questions."

"This can't wait?" I asked grumpily.

"I'm afraid most aspects of this investigation are time-sensitive, Miss Berenson," that taller one said as they both stepped past the nurse into the room. He held up his badge, identifying himself as Agent Alvin Hernandez. The short one was apparently Agent Paul Kepler. He gave the nurse a look and she scurried away.

Agent Hernandez flipped open his pad and skimmed the top. "We've already spoken to Mr. Lanza and his bodyguard, as well as Miss Kono. Before we visit Congressman Howe, we're interested in hearing your version of today's events."

So we talked. We had no reason to keep secrets from them anymore, but it was still a strange thing to speak so openly about things like this.

I told them what happened, starting at the football stadium, and Cassie did her best to describe what went down at City Hall. Unfortunately, she didn't have much to say. The meeting began without a hitch, and then about an hour into it, they were attacked. Neither of us knew what the Initiative had planned to do with their hostages, or even how they knew about this supposedly secret meeting. Cassie hadn't even gotten a good look at any of the kidnappers.

"I think there were about six or eight of them," she said, thinking hard. "I'm sorry, it all just happened so fast, and they had scarves covering their faces. I have no idea how they got past the Hork-Bajir and security guards at the door - the door was closed and we didn't hear anything until the shooting started - but it was literally _seconds_ and they were already in the room. They shot bullets at the Hork-Bajir, and tranquilizer darts at the humans. We all hit the ground quickly, it probably all happened within like, five minutes total. Tobias and I didn't even get a chance to morph, we were so taken by surprise. I think they targeted the two of us and Toby first."

The agents nodded vaguely and scribbled into their pads. I frowned. Something about what she was saying seemed strange...

"Wait, did you say Hork-Bajir _and_ security guards?" I asked suddenly.

"Yeah. I mean, some of the Hork-Bajir. The ones that..." She trailed off. "Anyway, they wanted to stand watch outside the door but we did have our own human security guards. Like Secret Service agents, kinda. Congressman Howe was there with us, so he's the one that brought them. You know how crazy he is with security."

My brow furrowed. "Marco and I didn't see any human guards in the hallway."

We looked at each other, puzzled. Agent Hernandez flipped through his pad.

"No humans were found outside the office by our team. Only three Hork-Bajir, now deceased," he confirmed, reading from a page. "How many of the congressman's security team did you see on site before the attack?"

Cassie shrugged. "Maybe six? Something like that. Not a whole lot."

"None of the unconscious humans _inside_ the office were the security guards?" I asked, recalling seeing several humans inside the meeting room. Definitely not outside in the hallway, though. "We didn't look at them closely enough to identify uniforms. Mostly everyone inside was wearing suits."

"The security guards were wearing suits," Cassie said hopefully.

"Like the uniform suits or business suits, though?"

She stared at me. "There are different kinds of _suits?_"

I made sure to sigh dramatically at her, then turned to the agents. "Do your notes say any of the humans inside were dressed as security guards?"

Agent Kepler looked over his notes. "We cannot confirm right now. We'll have to check with the team when we get out of here. Do you recall seeing anyone else while you were there, Miss Berenson?"

I shook my head. "Just the janitor that I'm sure Marco already told you about."

"Yes, he did."

"The janitor?" Cassie echoed. I gave her a look that said I'd explain it all later.

"And a second janitor on the elevator that we let run off. After that, we got to the room and saw the three Hork-Bajir outside, and a couple more Hork-Bajir and humans inside. No one else in the hallways or anything like that. Can't you check security cameras or something?"

Agent Kepler shook his head. "Cameras were malfunctioning."

"Convenient," I said sarcastically. "I mean, we're all thinking it, right? The human security guards had to be Initiative. They turned on the Hork-Bajir and then attacked the meeting."

"We don't know that, they need to confirm that the guards weren't just found in the meeting room," Cassie frowned. "But that's one answer. We'd have to run this by Congressman Howe. I'm not just saying this because I vehemently disagree with his politics, but that guy is _super_-paranoid. It's why he doesn't trust Hork-Bajir, he thinks they're gonna take over the country or something. He runs a tight ship, and his security team is like, brainwashed military-level loyal, you know? If he had even the smallest inkling that one of his staff was a traitor, he wouldn't have trusted them."

The agents were eyeing us quietly, jotting down what we were saying. It irked me, that they weren't offering any input. They had no interest in brainstorming with us. All they wanted was info, so they could leave us in the dark and go brainstorm on their own.

"So, neither of you have any idea how they could have discovered the time and location of your meeting?" Agent Hernandez asked for the second time, backtracking and moving on from the missing security guards. The only ones who truly knew those answers were murdered or on the run. We wouldn't be solving the mystery of the missing security guards right then, and the agents seemed pretty pressed for time.

We both shook our heads. They tried to get more answers, but we simply didn't know them. I knew that they weren't telling us something, the FBI had much more in the way of resources than we ever had, but they were stubborn as hell. It was almost satisfying that we were giving very little in return.

One strange thing they did mention, though, was the fake Initiative janitor that Marco and I had trapped in the closet at City Hall.

"Again, Marco did mention him when we questioned him at his home," Agent Hernandez said. "Our people scoured the area. We found the office he was talking about, but the closet door was destroyed and the suspect was gone."

"He was _gone!?_" I repeated incredulously. I distinctly remembered tying him up with duct tape, securing the door, and moving a heavy desk in front of it.

"Yes, gone." He huffed, writing something and giving his partner some kind of look.

"Someone must have broken him out," Cassie suggested.

"Forensics has determined that the door was broken from the inside, not the outside. A very strong impact from inside the closet," the agent reported. "Do you recall the suspect having some type of weapon?"

I shrugged. "He had a mop."

"I see," he said, casting Agent Kepler another annoying look. "Well, thank you for your time. We'll keep in touch."

Suddenly, Cassie's cell phone lit up. It was her mother. She looked up at the FBI agents apologetically, but they shook their heads.

"Take it. We'll be contacting you if we need more information for our investigation," Agent Hernandez said. "Take care."

Agent Kepler gave me an especially strict look that pissed me off. "And stay out of trouble."

Cassie answered her phone. As the agents began to leave, I hopped out of the bed after them and followed them, shutting Cassie's door behind me.

"Hey, wait."

Agent Hernandez looked back at me wearily.

"You had something to add?"

"Not really, I just wanted to know - did you ever track down the other person with us at the stadium?" I asked. "Heather. She's a reporter. Heather, uh…"

Agent Kepler's brow wrinkled. "Heather Bergen?"

"Yes, that's her." I nodded. "She sort of disappeared after we found the fake bomb, and I was wondering…"

"Marco had inquired about her, too. We found her at her apartment not too long ago," Agent Kepler told me. "Apparently, she had been concerned about the bomb - she had recognized that it was a dud and tried to contact the authorities. We have a logged 9-1-1 call from her in our records. She was able to drive straight home after that, and was there the entire time. Her roommate can confirm."

"I see…"

Agent Hernandez scrutinized me. "Why all the interest about this reporter?"

"We just thought she was strange," I said. "She just happened involved to be at both Initiative attacks, she just happened to recognize a dud bomb..."

"She's a reporter. Her job requires some knowledge - "

"Yeah, yeah, I know," I waved them off. "It's fine, forget it. Never mind."

"Don't worry, kid," Agent Kepler smirked condescendingly. I balled my fists. "We'll figure it all out. It's our job."

They left and I went back into Cassie's room, seething.

From the sounds of her phone call, her parents were a little hysterical. I tried not to listen too closely as her mother cried over the phone and her father tried to calm her down. They were the most technologically-challenged people on the planet, and whenever they both wanted to speak to Cassie, they always put their phone on speaker and shouted. Cassie tried lowering the volume, but they were just _that_ loud. They fussed and blubbered for a couple more minutes while I made myself comfortable in the chair and waited.

"We'll be there in an hour!" I heard her mother declare.

"Not in this traffic," I muttered.

"We'll - wait, was that Rachel?" she asked. I slapped a hand over my mouth.

"Yeah, mom," Cassie said, even as I violently shook my head no.

"Let me speak to her, dear."

Cassie looked at me sheepishly and handed me her phone. I glared at her, but took it.

"Uh, hi. What's up?"

"Rachel, sweetheart, are you all right?" Cassie's mom asked.

"Yeah, of course."

"We just wanted to make sure you knew this...because I don't think we've ever made it clear," she said. "That we are proud of Cassie for being friends with you. Ever since the beginning, when you were little girls. Even when you two had nothing in common, we were glad. We knew you'd take care of our daughter, no matter what. And you did. You still are. Thank you. For _everything._"

She was speaking a little softer now, so Cassie was struggling to eavesdrop. I leaned away from her. This was awkward enough without her butting in.

"You...don't have to say that," I said vaguely.

"We do," Cassie's dad said in the background. "We do, because we will never be able to repay you for what you've done for her and us."

"If anything, she's the one that - "

"Don't start that, honey," Cassie's mom interrupted. "That's not how friendship works. It's unconditional, no one's keeping score. She's going to help you whenever you need it and you're going to help her. Doesn't matter who's doing it more, each of you deserve thanks and praise every single time."

"Just accept the thanks, kiddo," Cassie's dad advised. "You think Cassie's bad with the whole feelings thing, wait til you get her mother started."

"_Walter!"_

"Sorry, dear."

"Uh...okay," I said. "You're welcome."

"Good, now sweetie, give us back to Cassie."

I handed her the phone and she had a quick exchange before saying goodbye. Then she peered at me.

"What was all that about?"

I shrugged. "I think your parents approve of me."

"Of course they do!" Cassie said. "Did you ever doubt that they didn't? The way you've always looked out for me all these years, I think they want us married!"

"I mean, I would, but I barely have a handle on my own vagina. I don't know what I'd do with another one."

She shoved me, laughing.

"You can't let us have just one sweet moment, can you?" She shook her head. "Seriously, though. Thank you for coming for me, even though it was stupid and you're an idiot that almost got herself and Marco killed. Love you."

I smirked. "I hope you got a nice ring because you are not getting a 'yes' from anyone with a proposal like that."

Cassie smacked me. "Fine, if you're not gonna be serious, let's at least turn on the news. I want to see what's going on."

I made a face, but she turned her TV on anyway. It didn't matter what channel it was on, it was all going to be the same thing.

_"We're here with updates from Downtown Medical Center. Rachel Berenson was seen on the rampage in her elephant morph, as terrified reporters - "_

"Oh, come _on!" _I groaned. "After all that's happened today,_ that's_ what they're focusing on?!"

_" - has long been rumored to suffer emotional trauma, and this latest display - "_

Cassie quickly flipped to another news channel, which was also playing footage of me trying to clear a path for the Hork-Bajir. Two channels later, we finally found one that was actually reporting the story and we fell into our news-watching routine - namely, picking apart what was true and what wasn't. She looked at me whenever they reported something, and I confirmed whether or not it actually happened. Yes, they set a fake bomb. Yes, the cops were diverted to the stadium. Yes, Marco and I went on a "heroic" rescue mission. Sort of.

Yes, that thing about Ben and the ice cream truck.

Cassie's eyes widened at me as the news anchor spoke.

"_Benjamin_ _Wen's condition is stable at Downtown Medical Center, and he is expected to be released tomorrow. It is unknown what Wen was doing at the scene with the campus ice cream truck, but students interviewed at BU Stadium state that he and the Animorph Rachel Berenson have become quite close. We can speculate - "_

"Okay! I think we've watched enough news for today!" I shut the TV off.

"Is he okay?" she worried. "How could he do something that crazy?!"

"He's... I think there was something wrong with his arm - "

"Oh no!"

"Like a fracture or something to his wrist, but other than that he's fine," I added hastily, feeling a flushing in my ears and neck. "Fine enough to be a dork with Marco, anyway?"

"But he was hurt!"

I faltered. "I...guess..."

"Why - _oh._"

She of all people understood my hesitation regarding Ben. Cassie knew all about guilt, and she knew that it was weighing heavily on me. Ben had done it for me - he'd literally broke his own arm trying to help me. I had a magnetic attraction to danger, and I always managed to draw in everyone around me. Marco had blindly followed me into this fiasco, and now even innocents like Ben were getting caught up in it. I was toxic, that way.

Despite all this, a slow grin started to dawn on Cassie's face. She pinched my elbow.

"He must_ really_ like you."

I scowled. "The point is, it's my fault. I need to stay away from him. I'm not safe or good for him."

"You think you're dangerous?" Cassie shook her head. "Rachel, we've had each others backs for like a decade and we're both still here, against all odds. I know better than anyone that you are worth being friends with."

"Why don't you eat your jello?" I said forcefully.

She frowned. "Ronnie's here in the hospital right now, too. He was knocked out because he wanted to follow me to this meeting. His entire job is dangerous because of me. The press follows him around because of me. Should I break it off with him?"

"Of course not. That's different."

"How?"

_You're not as toxic as I am._

"If you don't eat your jello, I will."

I made a move to snag her jello cup, but she stopped me, grabbing my hand and not letting go until I looked at her.

"Look, he's here in this hospital right now, isn't he?"

"Yeah."

"Then you really should just go visit him if he's allowed. Be grateful to him, see what he has to say. He deserves that much from you, doesn't he?"

She was right, of course. "He does. But Ben hates stuff like this. Attention and all this fuss about him being a hero. He's going to hate me for it. By now I wouldn't be surprised if paparazzi have been trying to climb in through his window."

"I'm sure he won't hate you. Not if he likes you enough to weaponize an ice cream truck like Sweet Tooth from Twisted Metal."

I stared at her. "How do you - who even_ are_ you?"

"Just go see him."

"I don't want to leave you here by yourself," I said firmly. "Not until your parents show up."

"Rachel, you know I'm fine. Physically, I've never been better. Emotionally, well, we've had worse. There is absolutely no reason for you to sit with me. I'm just sticking around here overnight to make everyone else feel better."

"And wait until Ronnie's mom leaves so you could see him."

"Would you just get out?"

She pushed at me and I stumbled out the door. When I went to the nurses station, the staff made themselves appear incredibly busy, as if they had just been caught eavesdropping. I sighed.

"Would you be able to tell me where I could find my friend? His name is - "

"Benjamin Wen, room 404," a nurse said quickly, as every single person at the station pointed at the other end of the hall._ Jesus._

"Okay," I grumbled. "And um, would you make sure that no one else is allowed in his room? No reporters, just give him some privacy? Other than like, his family. And this weird kid named Gary, I guess."

"Oh, of course! That's hospital policy!" she said. "No press, no reporters. Promise."

"Thanks."

"He's been asking about you," the nurse added, in a tone I did not appreciate. I gave her a look as I left and they all recoiled.

It was a private room, I was pleased to discover, so he wouldn't have a roommate. I wondered who had pulled those strings, or maybe he didn't even need strings pulled for him anymore? He was famous now, after all. I knocked on the doorframe, since the door was already propped open.

"Hey, stupid."

Ben looked away from his TV and smiled.

"Look who's here! The hero!"

"I could say the same about you," I said, smiling back.

"Big Damn Heroes," he declared.

"Huh?"

"It's from Firefly."

I made a face. "Didn't that get canceled a couple years ago?"

"Yeah, but...that's a long story." He was self-consciously tugging up his hospital gown and smoothing down his bedhead.

"How are you feeling?"

He showed me his left arm, heavily casted from the base of his fingers to the start of his elbow. It hung limply in a sling. "A couple fractures in my wrist and hand. The doctor let me pick the color of my cast. Of course, I chose the dinosaur print. Velociraptors all up in my cast."

It was indeed covered in dinosaurs. I grinned in spite of myself.

"Deinonychus, actually."

"Huh?"

"Those aren't velociraptors. They're Deinonychus. They – oh, never mind."

He playfully poked at my shoulder. "I didn't know you were a dinosaur person. Look who's the big dork now."

"I'm really not," I said vaguely. "It's a, uh, another long story."

His eyebrow shot up, but he didn't ask. The rest of humanity was just going to have to discover Sario Rips on their own.

"Anyway, I wanted to make sure you're okay. That was...brave, what you did." I should have rehearsed what I was going to say to him before diving on in here. I blamed Cassie.

"I thought you were going to say _stupid _again." He smirked.

"It_ was_ stupid. I'm just trying to be positive_, s__tupid._" I noted that he was wisely watching an old Friends rerun instead of any news channels. The news ticker at the bottom of the screen proclaiming "Breaking News" was thankfully cut off by the tiny hospital TV screen. "Not watching the news like everyone else?"

Ben frowned. "It's really weird. They're not just talking about the attempted kidnapping. They're talking about me, my personal life. They're talking about...uh, us. I can't just watch people talk about me. I feel…"

"Like you have no say in how other people portray you? Like your life should not be anyone's business? Like you're suddenly in a fishbowl?"

He looked at me sympathetically. "All of the above, actually. I guess this is kinda how you feel all the time."

"I hope you never have to understand the depths of how much I hate it," I said sardonically

"Me too." He carefully shifted his body so that he could rest his arm on a pillow.

"That doesn't hurt, does it?" I asked, cautiously touching his exposed fingers. They were warm, if a little swollen and dark-colored. I saw them change back to normal as he elevated it. I fluffed the pillow a little more for him and he smiled at me gratefully.

"Nope. They ruled out any head injury so they gave me some Percocet. If I try to cop a feel right now you can't hold it against me."

I laughed. "Do you want me to break your other arm too?"

He pretended to squirm away from me. "Nooo, this one must live to cop another day."

I slapped him on the back of the head, retroactively hoping he was serious about ruling out the head injury.

"Really, though. Thank you for saving my life. It was an immeasurably idiotic thing to do, but also_ really_ brave and_ really_ appreciated."

"You are_ really_ welcome," Ben teased. "_Really._ I would do it again."

"You shouldn't."

"I mean, if you don't go turning into eagles trying to take down armed men in moving vehicles, then I wouldn't need to, would I? If we're gonna talk about brave and stupid..."

I shook my head. "Uh-uh. You can't play that card. I've been doing this since I was thirteen. Marco and I can morph away injuries. We're different."

"Not that different," he argued. "You have people who want you alive and safe and staying out of trouble too, you know."

"Just be more careful, okay?" I bit my lip. "And sorry."

"What for?"

"For the media onslaught thats descending on you. You saved our lives. It's gonna be a while before they leave you alone."

"Well, it's not like I saved the whole galaxy," Ben pointed out. I pulled back the shade on his window and we instantly heard the roar of a hundred excited reporters. The window lit up with white camera flashes and we heard them clamoring for a statement, even from the fourth floor. A few of them had megaphones. They couldn't see us up here, which was good because Ben's face was horrified.

"Okay, I concede that it may suck for a while."

"I'll do my best to keep them away from you, but..."

"I'll be cool, don't worry about it," he insisted. "I just hope they stay away from my parents. They're driving down to see me."

Suddenly, the nurse popped her head into the room.

"Miss Berenson? We have your mother on the line at the nurses station. I think your family is worried about you."

I winced. I didn't even know where my cell phone was. Presumably, when I shed my outer clothes to morph back at the stadium, Kono had gathered it all up, along with my phone. I glanced at the time. It was Saturday, so my mom would have had a short day at the office. She'd be leaving now and hearing all the news on her car radio.

"Uh-oh," Ben said. "You better get that."

"I'll be right back."

My mother was livid. On the one hand it was nice to know she cared so much, but I wished she hadn't done it so loudly over the phone at the nurses station. They were all staring.

"I'm fine, mom – no, I'm just making sure Cassie's okay – yes, she's doing great – yeah, her parents will be here soon – no – no, you don't need to come down they're taking good care of her – Kono has my – Mom – Mom, would you calm down? I don't have my phone because I dropped it when I morphed. Kono must have it. I'll go get it – !"

My mother yelled, and I let her. I figured she owed me good mothering and I owed her the chance to be a good mother. It worked out. She yelled at me for being so reckless, that I didn't have to pull these stunts anymore, that it wasn't Animorphs vs the World, and I didn't need to be a hero. She fussed and scolded as the nurses station eavesdropped in amusement. I just stood there silently, making exasperated sighs and the sporadic noncommittal "okay".

Until she told me to stay home with her for the weekend.

"You want me to_ what?_ Why – but – I'm not – mom! Mo-oommm. So what if Cassie's going home too, doesn't mean – ugh! Okay, fine – fine – I said fine! I'll be home in like an hour. I'll drive – of course I could drive – why couldn't I? Mom – I'll be there – no, you don't have to pick me up – I gotta go – I gotta go! See you soon – yes, I will! - Straight home, not stopping - Come_ on,_ mom - fine, okay. No, no pizza, I'm never eating pizza again - Chinese is good - I love you guys, too._ God,_ mom._"_

I hung up and trudged back into Ben's room, ignoring the whispers from the nurses' station.

"Moms, huh?" Ben said.

"Yeah. Moms." I agreed.

"Was she mad?"

"Eh, probably about as mad as yours will be after she realizes you're okay," I said. He cringed at the thought. Relating to someone else about mothers was not something I was particularly used to, but it was kind of nice. "When are your parents arriving?"

"They're driving down from Pismo now, so it's like a 3-hour drive. My brother would have been a little closer in San Diego, but he's working a 24-hour shift at the station," he said. "Luckily, my parents can stay the night at the hotel across the street until Monday. Your friend Marco was cool enough to get them a room on his tab!"

"That's great, at least! They can - wait, what?" I demanded. "Marco?"

"Yup, he's the one who swung me this private room, too. He offered to pay for everything." Ben shrugged. "Normally I'd turn him down, but he warned me about the press too. I feel like my parents and I are gonna need some extra help being left alone for a while, you know?"

"Yeah. I know." I said. Marco was being grateful for Ben saving our asses, but I knew he was also being a nosey little creep using this as an excuse to learn more about me and Ben. "He came to visit you?"

He nodded.

"What'd he say?" I tried to act casual about it, but I was going to strangle him later.

"Oh, you know, asked how old I am, what's my major, what are my intentions with you..."

"_What?!"_

"Relax!" Ben laughed. "Marco warned me that you'd think he was meddling and would embarrass you. He didn't. Seriously, all he asked was how I was and thanked me."

"Oh."

"He also told me never to do it again, and leave the day-saving to the crazy people who can morph their injuries away."

"I hope he called you stupid, too."

"No, but I told him you'll give me plenty of that."

"You're damn right I will, Stupid."

"Thanks," he snorted. "Anyway, I also spoke to Gary a little before you came. Told him about work..."

I frowned at his cast again. "You're a lefty."

"Yep. I'm officially out of work for four to six weeks. I had a doctor write me the note and once I'm back on campus Gary can hand it in for me."

"Oh, man. So no job?" Ben was already pressed for cash as it was. I paused. "Wait, they're not making you pay for that ice cream truck too, are they!?"

"Actually, no! I called dining services on campus and they said not even to worry about that! Or about losing my job, but they can't really pay me if I can't go to work. At least my job will be there waiting when my wrist is better."

"That's good, at least." I felt awful. He was losing a month's worth of wages because of me.

"Yeah. It could be worse. I could be those poor Hork-Bajir. I can't believe people did this. What are they gonna do?"

"Not sure yet," I sighed. "It's been a while since we've been to a Hork-Bajir funeral, but I'll go whenever it is. I may have to skip a class or something if it's during the week."

"You think you can afford to skip a class? Don't you have like a ton of exams?"

I groaned at the thought of Hell Week. In all the commotion, I'd managed to forget about it.

"Thanks for reminding me, Ben."

"Your Calculus exam is on Tuesday, isn't it?"

"I have like three days to learn the first hundred pages of that massive textbook," I grumbled.

"You can't just do a make-up?" he suggested. "You were a _little_ busy today, and everyone kind of knows."

I shook my head. I would never even ask for special treatment like that. The whole point of my going to college was to _do_ the damn thing.

He nodded, as if he already knew. "Course not. Well, then, challenge accepted. You free tomorrow afternoon?"

I blinked at him. "Wait, what? What challenge?"

"I can help you with your calculus!"

"Ben, I would absolutely_ love_ that, but I'm hopeless. Are you sure?"

"You can see me during my office hours. They are officially all day every day for the next four to six weeks." He grinned.

I laughed. "I can pay you, of course. For tutoring me."

"And you're calling _me _stupid?" he scoffed. "This is a favor. Friend to friend."

"You've done me too many favors already," I said, nodding at his injured arm.

"We're not keeping score," he pointed out, weirdly echoing what Cassie's parents had said before. "So, tomorrow?"

I hesitated, but eventually relented. He really seemed to want to help me, and I definitely needed the help. "Not tomorrow. I'll probably spend most of the day with the Hork-Bajir. How about Monday? How does four sound?"

"Sounds great. Library?"

"Yeah…" I trailed off, thinking. "Actually...do you want to come over to my house?"

"R-really? I mean, y-yeah. Yeah, that'd be c-cool," he stammered. I broke out in a cold sweat. _What was I doing?_

"I mean, we could just study here in your spot at the library if you want - " But it was too late to backtrack. I was already too deep into this fit of madness, I had to roll with it now. " - but I feel like I want to give you a nice home-cooked dinner, at least. I'll pick you up and drive you back, too."

_What was I even saying?! Was I asking him out!?_

"That...that would be great."

"Something a little better than the shit you've been eating at the dining hall," I added nervously.

"As I recall, you loved all of the shit you've tried."

"True, but real food is good, too."

"I don't even remember what real food tastes like, so I'm down for whatever," Ben said. "Hey, you'd better go."

It was nearing six o'clock and it was still an hour drive, probably more through rush hour traffic.

"You're right," I agreed. "I'd better go before my mom show's up here and drags me home herself."

"That'll be a fun news story in the morning."

"Take care?"

"Sure."

"And, um...thanks again. Stupid."

I bent down planted a small kiss on his cheek. Then, I straightened and ran out of the room without waiting for his reaction.


	11. I - Office Hours

_**I.**_

* * *

**CHAPTER ELEVEN - ****Office Hours**

* * *

Monday at school wasn't so bad. I supposed it was a little different. People may have been staring at me more. The hushed whispers may have been more frequent, but it was just like more white noise. The main difference was the amount of security on campus – lots of bike cops, signs that read "See Something? Say Something.", and metal detectors at the entrances to the Union, Stadium, and other larger buildings.

To me, the changes were minimal. For Ben, they were suffocating.

"There were like, three people at my spot in the library," he said when I went to pick him up for our tutoring session. "They all wanted 'to talk'. I vaguely recognized them from some of my classes, but I never spoke to them before. Now, all of a sudden, they want to _'talk'_?"

"I'm sorry," I said sincerely. "Really, I am."

"They had voice recorders in the pockets of their hoodies! I could_ see_ them! They banned reporters from coming on campus, but I'm pretty sure they're paying students to get statements from me!"

I sighed. "They have been known to do shitty stuff like that."

"Oh, jeez. You know they were harassing my parents too? I only just managed to see them off this morning. Do you think they'll be safe from the press back up in Pismo Beach?"

"I think so," I lied. I hoped so, but there was no guarantee. The incident only happened Saturday. It was still fresh in everyone's minds. Ben had to stand being famous for quite a bit longer than that.

"I don't know how you do this all the time," Ben said glumly.

"Honestly? I don't know either," I admitted. "I guess after a while it all becomes like background noise. Faint buzzing you stop noticing, or at least bothers you less as time goes on. Every week since the war they photograph some version of 'me' hobbling drunk out the back of a club and getting into a cab with some strange guy. I literally don't even look at checkout lines or TV displays at stores anymore because I'm scared of what I'll see in the news."

It was just the burden of being a famous, conventionally-attractive blonde in southern California. We all sort of looked the same, so I was constantly being "spotted" partying too hard.

Ben looked at me sadly. "Sorry."

"No,_ I'm_ sorry. They've connected you to me now. As far as the world is concerned, we're officially hooking up and I'm pregnant with your kid."

I was being sarcastic, entirely kidding, but I may have taken that a tad too far. He was blushing. I kept my eyes on the road. I didn't want him to see I was even more embarrassed. Not only because of the hooking up comment, but because of the lifestyle I didn't choose that he was now a part of. He had only seen a tiny glimpse of what it was like to be me, to be _with_ me, and he already hated it.

"How are the Hork-Bajir?" Ben asked finally.

"They're...as can be expected."

"Pissed?"

"No," I snapped. Ben noticed me bristle and apologized.

"My bad, I didn't - "

"No, I didn't mean to snap at you," I said quickly. "It's just, I hate that everyone is assuming they're mad and out for revenge. They're Hork-Bajir. They're simple, they love everything. They are literally tree-huggers._ Literally._ People worried Hork-Bajir retaliation are fucking idiots."

"Right - "

"The Initiative are a bunch of lowlife bullies," I seethed. "Nothing more. Hork-Bajir aren't defenseless, obviously, but they are innocents. More innocent than anyone else on this stupid planet. They deserve more than Earth, and I wish they had a better place to go."

Ben nodded quietly.

"So no, they're not _pissed._ I'm the one that's pissed, _we're_ the ones that should be pissed. They're devastated. They're mourning. This was our fault," I took a deep breath, realizing that I was ranting. "We're gonna send Jira, Kilni, and Graw back to the Deep on Saturday. Hork-Bajir tradition, they have to do rituals for a week."

I made sure to say their names whenever the subject came up. People had the tendency to forget that the Hork-Bajir were a living, breathing, sentient race that had their own emotions and culture and yes, individuality. They weren't just "the dead aliens". They were Jira, Kilni, and Graw. I knew I could trust Ben of all civilian humans to understand this.

"Back to the Deep?"

"It's a Hork-Bajir cultural thing. Like their version of a funeral. We're all going." Hork-Bajir funerals were actually very sweet, which made the whole thing that much more painful. To us humans, anyway. Unfortunately, we had been to a few shortly after the war. For Jara Hamee, and later Ket Halpak, our first Hork-Bajir friends and Toby's parents.

Ben nodded again. "Well, I don't know any of the Hork-Bajir, but I do want you to give them my condolences. For their, uh, Jira, Kilni and Graw's families. You know, just from some human kid who doesn't know them, but knows what it's like to lose someone."

I wondered what he was talking about. For the first time, I realized I had never asked him if he was affected by the war. A lot of people had died once the Visser engaged in open warfare. Or what if one of his family or friends was a Controller? More than one? The Animorphs tried desperately to keep human casualties to a minimum, but we had a far from perfect record. Had Ben been hurt by something we had done, without any of us even realizing?

He was looking out the open window, so I couldn't see his expression in the glass. He wasn't elaborating, and I wasn't sure I wanted to know the answer.

"You may not know them, but they know you," I said, managing to smoothly transition to something less dark. "You're more than just some human kid now, Sweet Tooth."

"All things considered, at least I got a cool nickname out of this," he mused. "Sweet Tooth's from this game, Twisted Metal? He's like this big, deranged, serial killer clown that drives an ice cream truck and - "

"He's in a competition fighting other psychos in weaponized vehicles, organized by a one-eyed creep offering to grant a wish to the one that murders everyone else."

He stared at me.

"I Googled it," I explained. "Don't give me that look. I'm not coming to your nerdy dark side, okay? I just wanted to see what everyone was talking about."

"But you think it's kind of interesting now, don't you?"

"No."

Ben smirked, knowing full well that I was lying. "Oh, I never told you. They're letting me keep the ice cream truck!"

"What?!"

"Yeah!" he said gleefully. "I was afraid I was gonna have to pay for the damages, but the school is fixing it up for me and letting me keep it! It's all some big publicity thing or whatever, but how cool is that? I officially have some wheels! Once my arm heals, I can drive you wherever you want!"

I snorted. "That's ridiculous, what makes you think I'd want to drive around in an ice cream truck?"

"Well, I'm pretty sure this is the first time you've smiled in days."

It was a struggle trying to fight my lips into a neutral expression, and it wasn't helping that he was grinning so brightly back at me, so I just let it happen.

Before actually coming up to the gate of our community, we drove past several signs warning that trespassers would be persecuted to the extent of the law, each with different wording that got a little more dramatic as you got closer to the entrance. There were also a few new ones, freshly posted since the weekend.

"_ANY PERSON FOUND ATTEMPTING TO INTERVIEW, PHOTOGRAPH OR OTHERWISE GAIN ACCESS TO HIGH-PROFILE RESIDENTS WILL BE HALTED BY ANY MEANS NECESSARY. STAFF OF THIS COMMUNITY ARE NOT PERMITTED TO SPEAK ON THEIR BEHALF. "_

"This doesn't make me nervous at all," Ben laughed anxiously. _"By any means necessary?"_

"Yeah, 'Beware of Dog' doesn't quite cut it for us," I said dryly. "I know it seems like we're going to a military barbed-wire zone but I swear, it's just a normal housing community for stupidly rich people."

"Right," he said, probably trying to weigh in his mind which was worse. I didn't actually know, either.

I drove to the east gate of our development. Four different wrought-iron gates provided access to the various residents that lived with us, including celebrities, government officials, and _possibly_ the Mafia though that was mostly just Marco's suspicion. Because of this, our community was surrounded by a twelve foot stone wall lined with high-tech security cameras. Posted at each entrance were guards armed with tasers and batons. Every guest had to get their picture taken and sign in with a valid photo ID, as well as take off their shoes and walk through a security checkpoint.

By the time the guard finally strapped Ben's wrist with the guest bracelet and wished him a pleasant visit and wonderful evening, he looked like he'd been thoroughly harassed.

"It's only the first time," I said apologetically. "Repeat guests only need to show their ID, as long as they're on the list."

"I'm surprised they didn't ask me to pop a squat and cough!"

"We don't get a lot of guests," I said sheepishly. We drove up the ornate cobblestoned path and down a short road, bypassing several ridiculously large mansions. I felt my neck heat up in embarrassment as Ben gaped. His eyes widened at the sight of the President Bush's daughter reading a magazine on her porch and Angelina Jolie ducking into a stretch limo in her driveway. Prince Harry emerged from his vacation house and waved at her.

"And we, uh, don't really talk to our neighbors much."

"Yeah, I mean...no, yeah. Uh-huh."

I pulled up to our house, which must have seemed extraordinarily plain compared to all the others in our community. It was admittedly the smallest in the entire development, but the most charming by far. It was styled more as a cottage than anything, all weathered white panels and faded blue shutters. It was a stark contrast to all the modular retracting roofs, heated lagoons and waterfalls, and Porsches that lined our roads. The real estate agent had laughed at us when we asked to see the inside.

"_This_ house?" Ben asked incredulously as we climbed out of the car.

"Yeah. What?"

"I don't know," he said, scratching at his head. "It's...not what I expected. I just figured, you know. Lots of money - big house. Your entire property can fit into most of these other people's garages. It looks like my grandma's house."

I shrugged. "It's just me and Cassie. We have an extra room for guests or whatever, but we don't need a lot of space. Come on, let's get inside."

We entered through the backdoor to the kitchen. I had purposefully arranged all my books and papers around the kitchen table, just messy enough so I didn't look neurotic, but neat enough that I didn't seem like a complete whackjob. My preparation for this afternoon had been almost comical, and I was glad Cassie hadn't been there to witness it. She was still stuck at her parents house, and unlike me, wasn't able to escape their worrying grasp quite yet. She was hoping to come back tomorrow, though.

I gave him a quick tour of our unnaturally immaculate house. I let him take a peek at Cassie's office, which branched off from the kitchen, and the bathroom I had nearly destroyed after Chicken Bacon Ranch Pizza Day. It was now fully functional and smelled only faintly of despair.

"Not much to our second floor," I admitted as we climbed the steps. "That door on the right is Cassie's room. She has her own bathroom in there. This is my room." I opened it up, and was immediately weirded out by how tidy I had made it. I hadn't made my bed like that since we had first moved in.

I was acutely aware that this was the first time someone other than Cassie had come into my room in a whole year. A guy, no less. It was impossible for my mind not to go there, but I couldn't help but remember the last time I had a guy - Tobias - in my bedroom. It had been a very, very long time.

My traitorous ears were turning pink, but Ben had his focus elsewhere.

"I didn't know you liked kids," he said, looked at a framed photo hanging over my desk. There were several photos there of my sisters and the other Animorphs, but one stood out. It was of me and a group of disabled children, all grinning in front of the Blythe Children's Hospital and Rehabilitation Facility.

It was the hospital where we had recruited James and the other Auxiliary Animorphs. The true unsung heroes of the Yeerk War. The other Animorphs and I made a memorial to them at the facility and I made a point to donate most of the royalties from our documentary to them, every year. It was nothing, a laughable tribute to the children who sacrificed everything for a planet that didn't even love them back. But it was the best we could do. We funded the sick and disabled kids, and tried to make sure people remembered who the Auxiliary Animorphs were.

Despite our efforts, the story of the Auxiliary Animorphs faded away, into nothing but the stone wall we'd engraved their names on. Ben didn't even make the connection. He had no idea our affiliation with the hospital. James, Craig, Erica, and all the rest were all but forgotten. But not by us. Never by us.

"Kids are okay in small doses," I said vaguely. Ben noticed my darkened expression and looked away from the picture.

"What?"

"Nothing," I waved my hand dismissively. "I'm just - it's nothing. Nervous about the test tomorrow, I guess."

The story of the Auxiliary Animorphs was something I could barely even stand to relive myself. I didn't know how I could ever tell someone like Ben about it. It was one the darkest stains, if not the actual darkest, on our history of the Yeerk War. James and his group would forever be quietly scarred into me, Jake, Marco, Cassie, Tobias, and Ax. Just one more thing Ben could never understand.

"Oh," he said. He knew something was wrong but left it alone, like he always did. I used to think that was great of him, but now I wondered, what kind of friendship was that? All those secrets.

"We should probably get to studying," I suggested.

"Yeah, let's - whoa, what happened there?"

He pointed at my wall and the side of my nightstand. He was looking at the deep scratches in and around my nightstand that looked like they were slashed into the wood by wolves. I'd gotten so used to them being there I had forgotten them completely.

"Long story," I lied. It was definitely not the time to talk about my nightmares. "Long _Animorph_ story."

"Gotcha," Ben let it go. Again. "Your room is nice...and really neat. Really, really neat."

I cleared my throat awkwardly. "Noticed that, huh?"

He smirked. "Don't tell me you cleaned up so much for me."

I tried to shrug casually. "Partly for you, maybe. But also partly for Cassie, who would kill me if I turned this place into a sty. She comes back tomorrow."

It was a total lie. Neither of us were complete slobs, but if one of us was the messier one, it was Miss Used To Roll Around In Animal Poop As A Kid And Now Climbs Trees With Hork-Bajir And Has Holes In All Her Clothes.

"Well, consider me partly flattered, then," Ben quipped as he stepped out of my room. I let out the breath I didn't even realize I was holding. "What's that door down there?"

He indicated the third door in our upstairs hallway. Our guest room with the large window that faced the woods.

Tobias's window.

"I guess you could call it_ my_ office," I said. "It's the guest bedroom officially, but I used to go in there all the time. I liked looking out into the woods. Sometimes I read in there, or listen to music. My bedroom is too loud and cluttered and chaotic sometimes, too busy, too..."

"Too_ you?_" Ben finished for me. I laughed.

"Yes. Exactly. Sometimes I want to get away from all that, get away from me..."

It was the room I used for escape. I would leave the confused, tormented, out-of-place Rachel behind and go in here. I would crawl into the mostly unused bed, open the huge window, and blast music into my headphones until I felt the small breeze of a red-tailed hawk landing on the headboard. Then, I would _really_ escape. Cassie used to hate when we did that. We'd leave the window open and make a draft through the entire house.

"...so I come here and sit in the peace and quiet. Weird, I guess."

"Not weird. I totally get it," Ben said. If he noticed how quiet I suddenly got, he didn't mention it. "It's your spot. Like mine in the library."

I looked at him, surprised. "Yeah. I guess - yeah. Sort of."

"Gotta say, I didn't expect your house to be like this. It's all so ordinary."

"We do try."

Ben looked at me. "You can try all you want, but even if you didn't save the world, you'd never be any less than extraordinary."

He suddenly turned pink and went back out into the hall.

"Come on, you don't have a lot of time to cram. I only have one night to make you good at math."

* * *

"So one function asks another function, 'why are you so bent out of shape'?" Ben said conversationally. "And the other function says _'my regression model was too tight a fit'!_"

I stared at him. We were sitting at the kitchen table trying to practice a few calculus problems. Ben had showed me that I wasn't completely a lost cause, but it probably didn't bode too well that most of his dumb math jokes were flying right over my head.

"I don't even think we learned what a regression model is," I grumped.

"Oh, you will. It'll be great!"

I shook my head pityingly. "I don't know how you manage it, but your love of calculus makes me both like you and hate you at equal extremes."

Ben beamed. "There's more where that came from. Then what's the first derivative of a cow?"

More staring.

"_Prime rib!_ See, you're about to laugh. I almost got you that time!"

My hand flew over my mouth to hide the smile. "I'm only amused because you think I'm not going to punch you in the head."

"Why do they never have alcohol at math parties? Because you shouldn't drink and_ derive!_"

I took a light-hearted swing at his ear, which I fully expected him to dodge easily. What I didn't expect was that when my fist flew past his head and I was bent slightly closer to him, he leaned in and kissed me.

It was startling at first, I banged my knee against the table and sent my pencil rolling. I heard it clatter off the table and end up somewhere towards the counter.

Then, I heard nothing at all but my heart pounding in my ears as his lips pressed against mine. At some point his good hand found its way to the back of my neck and the kiss deepened.

We didn't even hear the keys clinking in the door.

"Hey, Rach, did you see all the new warning signs outside in the - ?"

We launched apart from each other, both of us bright red.

"Sorry!" Cassie yelped. "Sorry, I'll just go upstairs and - "

"No, no, it's okay," I said hastily, waving her over. It took all of the goodwill left in my entire soul not to be annoyed at her for ruining the moment, but I managed. "You didn't tell me you were coming back tonight."

"I had a thing in the city early tomorrow, so I convinced my parents to let me go tonight. I didn't mean to..._interrupt. _I should have called."

"No, no, you_ live_ here," I said, though my eyes clearly shouted, _Yes you should have, jerk!_ My best friend had a shit-eating grin on her face that I was very calmly trying not to hate her for. "You okay?"

"Oh, shut up, you know I am," Cassie said dismissively, her eyes glowing so brightly I couldn't look directly at them.

"This, um, this is Ben. Ben, this is Cassie."

"We've met, actually," Ben smiled, standing up. "Nice to see you again. Do you need help with your bags?"

He started to walk over to where Cassie was standing with her rolling suitcase and backpack. She shook her head, clutching her stuff away from him.

"Thank you, but don't be silly, you shouldn't be helping anyone with lifting!" She eyed his arm. "How does your wrist feel? Have you been doing the exercises they taught you?"

Ben held out and wiggled his fingers. "Yeah, and it feels okay, I guess. It's kind of a shame they didn't listen to any of my ideas at the hospital though. They didn't install any of the lasers or rocket launchers that I wanted."

Cassie and I both laughed, but I stopped short.

"Okay, wait a minute," I narrowed my eyes at her. "What do you mean you've met?"

"She was nice enough to visit me at the hospital," Ben explained. "Wanted to thank me and remind me that you would get mad...if you found out...she visited me...because you hate when she's nosy...so I wasn't supposed to say anything..._oops. _My bad."

Cassie laughed again and started to wheel her suitcase over to her office. She dumped both bags inside and motioned for Ben to take a seat again. They both sat at the table while I fumed at them.

"Smooth, Ben," she said.

"Sorry. I forgot. But it was nice," he insisted, giving me a look. "I appreciated it. She didn't pry or ask me anything weird, I promise. She laughed at like, all my dumb jokes."

"He appreciated it, see?" Cassie said innocently. The little brat.

"I guess _someone_ has to think he's funny," I relented, deciding to forgive her for snooping. A little. "Wait 'til you hear his calculus jokes."

Cassie grinned. "As hilarious as I'm sure they are, I think I'll pass. We don't have people over a lot, Ben. Sorry if this place is a..."

She trailed off, looking around our kitchen, napkins in the napkin holder, sink clear of old dishes, garbage and recycling bins empty. She could see our living room as well, throw pillows arranged on the sofa so symmetrically it was like straight out of a magazine ad.

"...a flawless example of exquisite housekeeping. It's, uh, it's _always_ like this."

"You hungry?" I offered politely, changing the subject.

She held up a paper bag. "I have a burrito I'm gonna stick in the fridge for later, thanks. I'd love to join you, but I have to shower, empty out my email inbox, make some calls, you know, all that stuff. You guys get back to studying. Nice meeting you again, Ben."

"Likewise."

Cassie dutifully went upstairs, but not before shooting me a thumbs up behind Ben's back. Dork. Ben was carefully looking down at the table. I cleared my throat awkwardly.

Then the oven timer rang. Saved by the bell, I got up and peeked at the pork chops I had been roasting. They looked perfect and smelled even better.

"How can I help?" Ben asked from the table.

"You have one arm," I pointed out. "Just shove our math crap to the side, I've got this."

In almost complete silence, I started setting the table as Ben stacked our papers and books on one of the empty chairs. It only took a few short minutes to get my pork chops, green beans, and rice pilaf served in front of us. We ate quietly for another few minutes before I finally looked at him nervously. He had been looking at me, too.

"Sorry for kissing you," Ben said, at the same time as I said the exact same thing.

"Don't be sorry," we said together again.

Ben chuckled. "Okay, me first, since I'm the one who kissed you first. I just... really like you, Rachel. I know I'm not most girls type, with my math jokes and Justice League t-shirt wardrobe and the fact that I'm dirt broke, but..."

I stuck a fork in my rice and pushed it around a little bit before answering softly.

"I like you, too."

"Really!?"

I couldn't help but grin at his humbleness. "It's not _that_ hard to believe."

His eyebrow quirked. "So...we're good? This doesn't have to be weird?"

"I...don't know. I don't_ want_ it to be weird between us," I sighed. "You're the only good thing to happen to me in like, _months_, Ben."

He hesitated, and I felt a cold sweat.

"Okay, I'm gonna be real with you…"

I braced myself, but then suddenly, his expression became amused.

"I have no idea how to eat pork chops. I've stabbed it with this fork like a thousand times and nothing is happening. Can I just...?"

"Just pick it up with your hand, you loser," I snickered.

"Thank you!" Ben picked the pork chop up with his one hand and gouged into it. "It drives my mom crazy, but I've been in college for too long now, I've forgotten how to eat like a human being."

I watched him eat, weirdly endeared by all this. "It's nothing I've never seen before."

"Oh, man, I'm lucky I can't use my other hand, otherwise you'd have to watch me devour this plate like a Neanderthal. This is_ so good._"

I picked at my food, watching him and his dinosaur cast in the sling. He was injured because of me. He was being harrassed by reporters because of me. Ben was such a happy person, but the two most annoying things in his life were entirely my fault.

We were so different, Ben and I. I liked everything I knew about him. His dorkiness, his shyness, his bland, normal life. His brilliant, dimpled smile. His bravery and kindness. Similarly, Ben liked everything he knew about me.

But he knew _nothing_ about me. Every time I trailed off before coming to a complicated Animorph story, we were hitting a wall. The photo in my room, the scratches in my nightstand, Tobias, almost every story about my life, we hit a wall where we could not proceed any further. Even tidied up and clean, my own bedroom had to be a mystery to him. Ben would never understand.

"Sorry," I whispered.

"What for?"

I reached out with my fork and pushed his lopsided pork chop back on his plate. Then I rested my hand on his shoulder to pull him in closer. I could feel his breath on my lips as our foreheads touched. This was wrong. This was such a bad idea. I had to let him go.

But I couldn't.

We were kissing again, slowly, deeply. It was different than with Tobias. There was always an adjustment period with him, where Tobias always had to get used to fumbling with hands and fingers again. Even with one hand, Ben was more confident. His fingers were bigger, stronger, more sure in their movements as they started from my upper back and brought their heated touch lower. His chair creaked as he moved nearer, his chest so close I could feel the fabric of his shirt. He kissed with his whole body, moved with certainty, like someone who was human full-time and had total control.

Still, it was my tongue that prodded against his lips first, and I felt his smile on mine.

Then, I leaned forward and his cast caught between me and the table. He yelped in pain and I was pulled back to reality.

"Oh, my God! Are you okay?!"

"Yeah, yeah!" Ben said through his wincing. He wiggled his fingers feebly. "It's fine. That only hurt a little."

"You're not okay."

"Yes, I am."

"No, you're not."

"What are you talking about?" Ben asked, thoroughly confused.

"Nothing." I shifted my chair away from him, my brain finally catching up to the rest of me. I had made a huge mistake. What was I_ thinking?_ Nothing, of course. I hadn't been thinking anything. I was just… "I'm sorry, Ben, I just don't think this is a good idea."

"Why not? Rachel, what's the matter?"

"I'm Rachel Berenson, the fucking savior of the planet. That's what's going on."

Ben looked deflated. "You don't...?"

"Oh, God, no that came out wrong," I said quickly. "It's not you. It's me - "

He rolled his eyes. "Oh, please._ That's_ what you're going with?"

"No, really. Ben, trouble just follows me around. Things literally blow up all around me, in every sense of the word." I squeezed my eyes shut, pressing some fingers against the bridge of my nose. I could feel a headache coming on. "My life isn't, well, my life. You've seen what it's like. Mobbed by fans and reporters, targeted by terrorist groups, shouting and screaming everywhere..."

"You think I care about that?" Ben demanded.

"You have a secret quiet spot in the library, Ben! The_ library._ Libraries are already the quietest places in the world! My life is anything and everything but quiet."

"You think that because I'm a private person I don't want to be with you!?"

I let out a slow breath, trying to choose my words carefully. He had to understand that I was doing this for him, and he hadn't done anything wrong. I was hurting him because _I_ had made the mistake.

"No, I do know you want to be with me. And...I think I care about you too much to let you. I'm_ dangerous_ for you, you just don't get it yet."

"I said, I don't care."

"You should!_ I _do!" I said forcefully. "You're hurt because of me, and your family is being followed by mobs of reporters and photographers because of me. I did this to you, and I don't see things getting a whole lot better in the near future."

Ben scowled at me, pushing away his plate. "You're being ridiculous. It wasn't your fault Cassie was kidnapped! And it's not your fault those jerks follow you around like gnats!"

"Maybe not, but it's my fault for letting you be close to me!" I slid my chair away from him and picked up my barely touched plate. "Look, I'm the one backing away, from this, okay? Let's just be - "

Ben gently brought my hands down and lay my plate back on the table. Then he pulled one of my hands towards him and held it tightly until I met his eyes.

"Would you stop being the fucking noble hero for like one second, please?" he asked. "It's getting really, really annoying. I said _I. Don't. Care._ I'm not some damsel in distress, you don't have to save me."

I pulled away from his grasp. "You're not getting it - "

"I _get_ that there's things I will never understand about you and your past," he insisted. "That's why I never ask. But you deserve more in your life than those awful things. I just want to give you..._more._"

"More what?"

"More_ anything,_" Ben said, with a hint of desperation in his voice. "More everything. Whatever. I'm here right now because I care enough to try."

And there, in one fell swoop, was the one thing that made him different than Tobias. He had absolutely no connection, no history with me. He never knew me from before the war, or during. All Ben knew about me was this, post-war Rachel. Weird, out-of-place, broken Rachel that gets him into trouble. And he still wanted me. Would sacrifice for me. Still thought I was worth all baggage I dragged around with me.

All the more reason I didn't deserve him.

He leaned into me again, our noses touching, his hand in my hair.

"This is a mistake," I told him.

"You're 'Queen of Mistakes', if I remember correctly." He grinned. Even now, he was happy. Hopeful.

I pushed away. "I can't let you make this one. As much as I – I only ever wanted to be just friends with you. That's all I wanted." It wasn't his place or duty to give me more _anything_. It wasn't his burden.

His grin faded. "But...really?"

"Ben," I said weakly. As his expression deteriorated from hopeful to hurt, I felt my energy draining. "You're so..._great_..."

He got up, setting his utensils neatly on his near-empty plate.

"I know you're broken. I know you're keeping things from me. I know it's bad. Maybe I_ am_ getting in over my head. But I've never met anyone more worth that risk than you."

Ben gathered his things and struggled to pull on his jacket. Guilt stabbed at me, and I was too ashamed to offer my help. He glanced at the clock over the sink.

"You don't have to drive me home. I saw a sign at the gate for the shuttle bus to the depot. The next one is in ten minutes. Gary can get me from there."

I got up and grabbed my keys. "No, please, let me drive you. The reporters will be all over the bus depot if you're seen there - "

"I'll be fine. You don't have to worry about me," he said flatly. "And don't forget to isolate the derivative d/dx, you keep confusing it and losing it in the problem. Just remember to_ simplify_ all the equations before trying anything. Basic algebra first, then you do the hard stuff."

I watched him thoughtfully lock the doorknob before closing the door behind him. At the loud clicking noise, I heard Cassie's door creak and her footsteps coming down the stairs.

She stopped when she saw me sitting at the table alone, arms crossed on the surface and my chin resting on them, staring blankly at the two half-eaten plates of pork chops.

"Oh,_ Rachel._"

When Cassie leapt to my side and rubbed circles into my back, whispering encouraging nonsense into my cotton-filled head, I didn't push her away. I let her talk. I pretended to listen, gave the appropriate nods. When she was done, she sat back and stared at me, waiting. She expected me to get up and storm out, like I usually did. Disappear into the night, retreat into a morph and do...whatever.

But I didn't. I sat there in the fog of silence, feeling absolutely nothing.


	12. I - Distractions

_**I.**_

* * *

**CHAPTER TWELVE - ****Distractions**

* * *

I blazed through my Calculus exam so furiously I nearly set the little blue booklet on fire. I wasn't sure if I aced it or failed miserably, but I knew for sure that _something_ was spilling out of my brain and onto the paper.

Still, once I walked out of the classroom it was like everything I ever knew about math was flushed from my skull. I could barely even tell the time, I was so burnt out. I very nearly missed my Economics exam. I was focused, with plenty of school to focus on. I managed not to let Ben into my mind all week, avoiding the library and shutting my cell phone in my closet for days. It was surprisingly easy to cut his presence out of my life, despite how close we had become. I couldn't even say I missed him, he was that far removed from my mind by school.

Unfortunately, the bliss wouldn't last forever. After Friday's Biology lab practical, I found myself suddenly free of anything to distract. The minute my instructor collected my answer sheet, it was like being sucked into a vacuum of empty space. I had nothing more to think about.

My mind went into overdrive. Ben. Tobias. Heather. The Initiative. Ax's gala. Everything. It hit me like a ton of bricks, a sudden blow that had me gasping. Without the regular Average Joe college stress, I was suddenly just _me_. That crazy girl Rachel.

All around me my classmates celebrated the end of the week, made plans to party all weekend, asked each other out on dates. It wasn't white noise anymore, it was the sudden realization that I wasn't like them. I didn't belong here. I ran to the back of the science building, before anyone could even glance at me, and ducked behind a dumpster. I was hyperventilating. I had to morph. I had to morph _now._

My mouth pushed out into a hard yellow beak as everything in my vision started going red. I could feel the familiar darkness flooding my veins. I needed power before it engulfed me. I needed talons. I needed speed.

"Rachel?"

I spun around, fists clenched.

"Ahhh!" Kono screamed and fell back onto the ground. She scrambled away in panic and I had to fight the urge to jump on her. To claw her, to draw blood. Human skin was so soft, easy to tear. So vulnerable, you could practically taste the fear coming off it.

_Calm. Down._

She was oblivious to my internal struggle, probably because I had an eagle's face.

"Jeez! You could have warned me you were morphing before turning around. Oh my God, your face looks like a Donald Duck nightmare I had when I was a kid!"

[You...sh-shouldn't...sneak up on me,] I had to struggle to form words, my mind had already retreated that far into the eagle's brain. My fingers were already feathered and twitching dangerously._ Kono is my friend,_ I had to remind myself. I could think now._ She is my_ _friend._

"I told you, I didn't know you were morphing." Kono cringed. I started to demorph and sucked the beak back into my face. My human mouth drew slow, controlled breaths. "I'm sorry if I was interrupting, I just saw you running and came to see what was up. How was your Bio lab?"

"Fine," I said, through clenched teeth. The normal resting heart rate for a bald eagle could be well over 300 beats per minute. My own human heart rate hovered around 60. I felt the change, the slowing. It was abrupt and startling, almost like my heart was stopping. I had to struggle to keep calm. "I was just going for a quick fly-around. Let off some steam. It's been a stressful week."

"I can imagine," Kono said neutrally. "Look, I know you're just trying to catch a break, but the first Pre-Aximili Animorphs presser is going to be on Sunday night. Marco suggested, and I agree, that you all should come together and see each other beforehand tomorrow. You know, do all the catching up before you're actually on TV."

"Catching up?" I lived with Cassie, although I'd admittedly been distant the past few days. I saw Marco more often than I usually liked. Tobias, I didn't even know what to think about him anymore. We were all pretty caught up, I thought. Except..._ "Jake?!"_

Kono nodded. "Your cousin's coming to town tonight, so you'll all be at the Hork-Bajir funeral. Afterwards, we were thinking about meeting up at Marco's. We've been trying to get a hold of you all week, but you've been...busy."

_Jake._ I barely thought about him anymore, and wasn't sure about how I would feel, seeing him again. Despite what happened between us in that last battle, and in several other instances during the war, my cousin was still a part of my "good old days". A time in my life when, for whatever reason, battling mind-stealing aliens made everything easier. Maybe it would be okay.

It might actually do me some good to meet someone who was having as rough a time in the post-war world as I was. Rougher, even.

"I just...wanted to make sure you didn't have plans tomorrow afternoon."

"I'll be there."

"That's cool..." Kono said. "So...I mean, you and Ben still aren't...?"

I glared. She dropped it.

"Okay. Never mind. I just wanted to - I can let Cassie and Marco know about Saturday myself, if you want to go...fly."

She seemed cautious, unsure. Very un-Kono. Had I scared her? No, of course not. She had no idea that I wanted to morph and rip something apart, she was just concerned for me. She didn't know that I had been so close to hurting her just minutes before. That I had wanted to rip into her skin with my talons. That every provocation made me violent. The heated rage I had felt moments earlier had frozen in my veins, made it hard to move or think.

"I'll tell her," I said carefully. "Actually, I'm feeling pretty chill, I should just head home."

"Okay. You need a ride?"

"No. Thanks."

"You're...you're sure you're definitely going home?"

I gave her another look, but that didn't stop her from placing her hand on my shoulder. She squeezed it before turning and walking away.

I stood there alone until I was sure she was gone, and then let loose the strangled gasps I had been holding in. I felt tears sting my eyes, not from emotion, but from the crippling wave of nausea washing over me.

When I closed my eyes, I still saw red.

* * *

In accordance with Hork-Bajir tradition, the bodies were to be returned to Father Deep and Mother Sky, the supposed origins of their people. They did this by just sort of...leaving the body out in the open. Back on their homeworld, this meant at the mouth of one of their ridiculously deep caverns, so that they may be "returned". After paying respects, the body was left alone and then it was just...gone.

We Animorphs had met an Arn once, the extinct race behind the whole Hork-Bajir planet, and the masterminds who bio-engineered Hork-Bajir themselves. That was the true origin of their species, created to precise genetic specification just to take care of some really big trees. None of us ever brought it up with our alien friends and allies, of course, but we were pretty sure the Arn had a little something to do with the "mystical" disappearance of their dead.

Since there was no Father Deep or Mother Sky on our world, they had adopted the tradition of just simple burial. Cassie had introduced them all to the concept of "Mother Nature", and the Hork-Bajir had attached themselves to the idea. They were children of the deity Mother Nature now, and were happy to be returned to her.

That was the kicker. A world where humans hated them, murdered them, and they still considered it an honor to literally become a part of it, to be absorbed into it's earth. It all just made me even more fiercely protective of them. The Hork-Bajir didn't deserve this.

They didn't wear clothes, so there wasn't a strict dress code involved in a Hork-Bajir funeral. Still, the humans in attendance wore black, since it was our tradition and it was just as good any. Three other people from the Hork-Bajir foundation were there, as well as three government officials that Cassie and Ronnie convinced me weren't slime. Kono managed to make it, as well. A couple dozen yards behind us, a couple helicopters waited to take the humans back. The President and Vice President were on business in the Philippines, but there would be a press conference that evening.

All the Animorphs were there. Even Jake. It was awkward, but we didn't say a word. This wasn't about us.

Hork-Bajir didn't do eulogies when they paid their respects. Their people weren't particularly eloquent that way. They all just stood around the bodies, taking turns kneeling next to them and placing a chip of bark after a few minutes of silent contemplation. It was a form of praying, I guessed. Reminiscing their lives, maybe. Regardless, they did it all silently. Their feelings made more sense in their own hearts than it would have with any verbal eulogy, and that's what worked for them.

I didn't know Jira, Kilni or Graw personally. Only that they were brave, loyal, and that they cared. But that was already more than I could say about most people I had met in the past few years. So I thought that as I placed my chip of bark. I thanked them and thought, truly, the world needed more people like them.

I promised I would find who did this to them, and I would end them. Hork-Bajir were too kind to even comprehend things like revenge. Humans were not. _I_ definitely was not.

After the ceremony, the three Hork-Bajir were lowered into a massive hole, as deep into as they could dig. One of the older Hork-Bajir claimed it rivaled the deep chasms of the Homeworld. The funeral wasn't held in the valley - it would have been too hard for humans to attend, even with helicopters. Instead it was on the side of one of their mountains, where Jira, Kilni, and Graw could watch over their people forever. As they began to throw dirt over their friends, the Hork-Bajir started to speak again. I heard condolences, happy memories, all the stuff you would have normally heard at human funerals.

Toby pulled the Animorphs aside while the other humans mingled closer to the helicopters. She was heavily pregnant now, and was excused from the burying part of the ceremony. Her mate, Nerf, had healed quickly from his wounds and was currently making sure the other humans got home safe.

"Thanks for coming," she said to all of us. "It was good of you."

"They were yours," Jake said. "That means they were ours."

It was weirdly comfortable, having Jake speak for the rest of us. We all had our own adult lives now, standing on our own two feet, and yet it still felt right that Jake stood at the center and did the talking, after all these years. None of us could have said it any better.

"Still, you came a long way. I know you're all busy, especially this week. It means a lot," Toby sighed. "Aldrea, my great-grandmother. She had tried to protect me from things like this. So did my own father and mother."

[You have us to help protect you,] Tobias said.

"I know, and I'm grateful," she nodded. "But sometimes I think my family was just meant to be at war. It is inescapable."

"Hork-Bajir were never meant to be at war," Cassie insisted.

"Perhaps not the normal Hork-Bajir. But we are seeing an increase in Seers being born. Children with the ability to think more complex thoughts. They were always far more common in my family. I wonder if that is why war has plagued my clan for so many generations. And I wonder..."

She cradled her now hugely swollen belly.

"...for how much longer it will last."

We didn't have an answer to that. Maybe Baby Cassie would be a Seer. Maybe higher intelligence was correlated with the tendency to war. Maybe the lives of future generations of Hork-Bajir wouldn't be so simple and peaceful.

But that was life.

We piled into a couple helicopters to bring us back over the mountain and away from their valley. When we got to our cars, Kono and I squeezed into Cassie's pickup and Jake and Tobias got into Marco's ridiculous Escalade.

We drove in silence for a few minutes, before Cassie sighed.

"Jake got _cute_."

I had managed to keep all my thoughts to myself at the funeral, but if Cassie was just going to bring it up like that...

"Yeah, he looks good."

It was more than a surprise. It was a shock. I was stunned. He looked_ good. _Healthy.

Jake always had the body of a big jock-type, but he'd lost that after the war. With his drug habit and the whole mental and emotional anguish thing, he had become thin and gaunt, even a little gray, like a literal shadow of his former self. His solid jaw had been topped with sallow cheeks. Dark bags weighed under his eyes and he let his thick brown hair grow long, dull, and greasy. He stood slouched, not nearly as tall as he could have been. That was what he had looked like nearly a year ago, the last time I saw him.

Now he looked like he was _glowing_. His military instructor gig landed him on a base in Hawaii, and the sun did him a lot of good. He had a tan. His hair was shiny and short, not buzzed like a jarhead, but short enough for it to look unfamiliar. It made him look cleaner, more handsome. His cheeks had filled out again and now suited his square jaw. He was big again, all muscled arms and shoulders. He stood tall. He looked like a college football player.

He had grinned at us when we arrived at the valley. I didn't even remember what it looked like to see him smile.

"Good? He's like the ideal specimen of human male!" Kono gushed. "Sorry, I know he's your ex and your cousin, but_ damn._"

Cassie smiled. "I never told you this, but he proposed to me."

Kono and I jerked._ "What?!"_

"Not _today!_ I'm talking about during the war. Right before that last battle in orbit. He said he wanted to marry me, once it was all over."

My mouth dropped open. "How could you not tell me this!?"

Cassie looked sheepish. "You had other things on your mind, and then the whole Blade ship thing happened. We were all kinda busy at the time."

"Are you fucking serious? You were engaged to my cousin at_ sixteen_ and you are just bringing it up now!?"

She grinned. "You know we're weren't just regular sixteen year olds. Anyway, I wasn't engaged. I said no."

Somehow, after all that had happened in the three years since the war, I was still kind of offended for my cousin. "What do you mean, you said_ no?!_"

"I thought you didn't want us to be engaged!"

"Yeah, but, _still!_ I mean...!"

"I didn't want to get married yet. I told him after it was all over, after we won, we'd wait a year. One year, and if he still wanted to marry me, then I would say yes."

I remembered the year after the war. Jake and his drugs. Cassie and her Hork-Bajir. Humanity going into chaos. The stuff with the Visser. All the trials.

"So obviously, that didn't happen...right?" I pressed. "You're not about to tell me you actually did secretly marry him two years ago, are you?"

Cassie pressed her lips together.

"_Cassie!"_

"I'm kidding! Of course I didn't! God, Rachel," she rolled her eyes. "But seeing him today just reminded me of that."

"Ronnie was_ right there._"

"Oh, please. I don't love Jake anymore. At least, not that way."

I searched her face for any indication that she was hiding anything, but I already knew she would never lie to me. She wasn't in love with Jake. She had moved on.

"Anyway, I wonder what other feelings all this Animorphs reunion stuff is gonna drudge up. That's why I brought it up."

Kono whistled.

"Oh, man. What am I getting myself into with you people?"

* * *

Mr. Wetherbee, or whatever his name was, ushered us into Marco's "drawing room", where Marco was already peering into his laptop and typing inhumanly fast. Kono joined him immediately, scribbling notes on a yellow legal pad as she leaned over to watch what he was typing.

Tobias was a hawk, perched on a lamp that Marco had set up, and there was an empty seat between him and Jake. I quickly sat in the space next to Marco and pretended to be interested in what he and Kono were saying, avoiding any glances at Tobias, who I knew was watching me quietly.

During the funeral we had other things to focus on other than the post-war Animorphs dynamics. We our roles to play for the Hork-Bajir - friends, mourners, protectors, and advocates. But now that it was just us, we had no other roles to play but ourselves.

Whoever we were now.

Jake's eyes lit up at seeing Cassie again and he patted the empty cushion I had avoided. She grinned, completely and utterly casual as she plopped down on the couch next to him. They hugged and chatted, as if they were just old friends. Which, I supposed, they were.

"Jake, we were all just saying in the car that you look so great!" Cassie gushed, giving his rocky arm a squeeze. "What the heck is this? Are you bench-pressing volcanoes out there?"

Jake laughed, genuinely, a strange sound that had us all pause for a moment to stare in disbelief.

"Me? Look at _you. _Ronnie's a lucky guy!"

"Oh shut up," Cassie said, clearly pleased at the compliment but not taking it to mean anything more. "How about you? Any lucky ladies?"

"Nothing serious, really," Jake shrugged, blushing a dark red against his tan. Marco slapped him a high-five and the rest of us rolled our eyes.

I was jealous of how easy this was for them. They went on like this for a few minutes as I determinedly looked everywhere but at Tobias. Eventually, Marco and Kono went back to their notes.

"No, I don't think we should even bring that up," Kono was saying. "This isn't supposed to be about politics. It's about you guys."

"Then how do we fill that space?"

"You don't have any jokes or anything saved up?"

Marco rubbed his hands together mischieviously. "Do I_ ever._"

I cringed. "All right, I've heard enough. I quit."

Cassie laughed at them. "What are you guys working on?"

"Couple basic talking points," Kono said, handing Cassie her notepad. She skimmed the first page with actual interest and I leaned over to see.

_[Opening anecdote by Marco,]_ Tobias read aloud from all the way on his perch.

"Oh, jeez."

Jake shook his head. "I'm starting to regret my participation in this."

He winked at me, knowing he beat me to the joke. I was still unaccustomed to this weird, laid back smile. When had he made this change in his life? When had he become this Jake? The Jake he was supposed to be, if the war hadn't happened, how had he done it?

"So this is fairly basic. The questions have been reviewed by all the publicists, so there definitely won't be any surprises," Kono was saying, all business. Cassie handed back her notepad. "Luckily this conference is mainly a human interest piece, so we don't need to relive any horrifying war experiences. Those questions are banned."

"I've managed to put restrictions on questions to you. They aren't allowed to ask about terrorism, the Visser, the Hork-Bajir home planet, Controller experiences, any of that. This is about you guys, and what you're up to now. It's supposed to be light, funny, endear you guys to the public as a group of friends."

I opened my mouth, but Marco rushed ahead of me.

"Cue Rachel joking about why _I'm_ here," he quipped, sticking his tongue out at me.

"Joking?" I said lamely. I was off my game. Everyone was beating me to the punch this evening.

"Kids, let the grown ups talk," Jake said dryly. Easily. As if this were four years ago and we were all hanging out at Cassie's barn. Something inside me felt unsettled.

"No, this is good!" Kono said. "This banter, it makes you guys enjoyable and relatable. The public loves you guys, and not only because you all just happened to grow up gorgeous. You're also the Girls and Boys next door. You need people thinking that."

"Why?" I whined.

"Because like it or not, you guys are the human representatives for everything alien-related," Kono said seriously. "With the Initiative on every front page and debates about the Andalites and Hork-Bajir getting heated, your opinions will matter. And if you want things to go even remotely your way, people need to like you. If you guys want any rights whatsoever to pass for the Hork-Bajir, people need to relate to you. If the Andalites and humans are going to collaborate peacefully on the Royan Island base, they need to trust the only humans that have done it before."

"So...no pressure, I guess?"

[Not so much just a human interest piece, huh?] Tobias focused his hawk gaze on her.

Kono shrugged. "It is and it isn't. Yes, the purpose of this is just so the public can watch you guys be charming. But there's a whole lot more riding on the public opinion of the Animorphs than you think."

I sighed. "So I can't just make fun of the lifts in Marco's shoes for two hours?"

"I don't have lifts in my shoes! I'm five-ten!"

"In what universe?" Jake scoffed. Marco had his final growth spurt shortly after the war ended, leaving him about the same height as me. Definitely not five-ten.

"Fine, I'm five-eight -

"Ahem?" Jake scoffed again.

"Five-seven and a half, but I make up for it in charm and wit."

[If only charm and wit were measured in inches.]

"Dude, _you're_ like two feet tall."

"Save it for show, guys," Cassie laughed.

Kono looked exasperated. I was suddenly reminded of Erek the Chee, our former ally. The Chee withdrew from contact after the last battle because, long story short, they couldn't deal with people who could be assholes like we could. He usually took our nervous immaturity at meetings in stride, laughing both with us and at us, but he and the Chee could not accept the Animorphs actions in the end. Last I heard, Erek had gone to Michigan for college last year.

Every once in a while I wondered who of all the people I see every day could actually be Chee. If I wasn't so sure the Chee avoided us at all costs, I'd think Kono was one of them, the way she always had so much inhuman energy and seemed to be so organized.

"This is cute and all, but how did you people ever get anything done?" She plopped her notepad on her lap and rolled her eyes, just like Erek used to.

Jake smirked. "Sorry. Do the_ reporters_ know that this isn't about politics or the war?"

He quickly rerouted our nonsense straight back to business. Cassie and Marco snickered at each other. Even Tobias was looking at Jake. I couldn't read his hawk expression but we were all thinking the same thing. _Just like old times._ I was the only one looking away, pulling at a loose thread in one of Marco's throw pillows, like the odd-girl-out at a party her mom made her go to. There was a knot in my stomach that tightened anxiously.

"Yes, they've all been briefed," Kono confirmed. "And if any of them step out of line..."

"I'll beat 'em up," I volunteered. I had to force it out. It was so hard to do something that usually came so naturally.

"As usual," Marco said. "We should put a sign up warning people of the blood splash-zone."

[Maybe some plexi-glass shielding?] Tobias suggested.

It was bizarre how easily they had fallen back into their old roles. We were kids again, calming our nerves by making jokes and being stupid. There might as well have been a bunch of sick, caged animals around us. Marco may as well have been lounging on a bale of hay while I cracked on Cassie's awful jeans as she shoved a suppository up a raccoon. Jake could have easily just been standing at the center giving us the details on a mission as Tobias kept a lookout in the rafters.

The war had changed all of us. Why was it only me that was having trouble with all this now?

Kono had that pained look on her face. "Just, please, don't cause too much damage. This is gonna be held at a school auditorium. Kids have to do a play about teacups on that stage next week, okay?"

She looked over at Cassie. "You're the human face for the Hork-Bajir effort. It's great that Tobias had the time to come, so you can both offer some input for the Foundation. This is a great way to garner some support, but remember – nothing too political. Maybe just, I don't know. Say nice things about the Hork-Bajir and what you're doing. Thank the well-wishers for the Hork-Bajir."

"Right."

"They're also going to ask about your parents, the Wildlife Rehabilitation Clinic, and how you felt about lying to them." She looked at her. "You've always been the moral one of the group, in the public eye. Naturally they're going to have an interest in how you managed the violence of war with your gentle nature."

"I didn't," Cassie said, pursing her lips. Jake frowned.

"Wait a minute, I thought you said…"

Kono looked guilty. "They're not allowed to ask about specific battles or mention violence outright, but they can probably spin a question at you like, 'How did the war affect the relationship you had with your parents?' Stuff like that. They're still going to want _something_ juicy, unfortunately."

"Jerks," I muttered.

Kono glanced at Marco sympathetically. "Speaking of relationships with parents, Marco. They are allowed to ask about your mother and father. And, um, Nora Robbinette. They probably will. I couldn't blacklist those topics, I'm sorry."

Jake flared angrily. "They can't ask about his mom without bringing up Visser One!"

"They can. They don't care about the former Visser One anymore. The gossip here is the love triangle."

Now I was pissed. Nora Robbinette, Marco's former math teacher and stepmother had become a controller, because of her relationship with Marco's dad, Peter. We rescued Peter, and eventually reunited him with his long lost wife, Marco's mom Eva. After the war, Peter sought Nora out to make sure she was okay, with Eva's blessing. They found her in a mental health facility, completely wrecked after her yeerk died of Kandrona starvation in her head. It had been traumatically removed and she had been mentally incompetent ever since.

Peter had his wife, who he'd thought was dead for years. He had his son, his family he thought he'd never have again. But according to Marco, it would be a very, very long time before he got over his guilt about Nora.

Which is why I angrily snatched Marco's laptop.

"Show me who to yell at," I said, looking for a name. He pulled the laptop back.

"It's okay." Marco said, noticeably deflated. "Kono tried, and if she couldn't do it, no one can. At least, not without getting arrested._ Rachel._"

Cassie understood. Marco's brand had become so big and universally liked that human nature just had to find a way to tear him down a little, to humanize the entertainment juggernaut. This was his vulnerable point. "I'm sorry, Marco."

To me, Kono sighed. "Okay. Rachel, _you're_ probably just going to have to remind everyone that the tabloids are bullshit or whatever."

"That's a relief, at least."

"But your home life was a struggle, what with your parents divorce and your busy mother and all. The public sees the story of a young girl burdened by war and extra family responsibilities," Kono looked at me apologetically. "Sorry, I'm just reading these notes from the publicist, I didn't write this."

"It's fine."

"But that story isn't unique enough. Not for someone like Rachel Berenson," Kono cleared her throat. "So, Rachel, that means questions about your relationships. Namely..."

She looked at me, over at Tobias, then back at me.

I set my jaw, determinedly still not looking at Tobias. Other than the Animorphs, our families, and Kono, no one knew for sure about the relationship between Tobias an I. There were rumors, of course, about the two most reclusive Animorphs. We weren't doing drugs like Jake and were weren't keeping busy like Marco and Cassie, so it was natural to just assume there was a thing between us. What else could we have been doing, right?

But we never confirmed it with anyone. It was never anyone's goddamn business, and we made sure to keep ourselves neutral if we had to be seen together in public. Still the rumors swirled around us, even after we broke up, which was particularly difficult.

"Again, I tried to ban the topic. I swear, I did. I told them - "

"It's_ fine._" I repeated. "Believe me, I have answers for them. They won't be long."

[We can take care of it,] Tobias assured Kono. She nodded, giving me one last sorry look before moving on.

"Tobias, you can already guess what they're going to be all over you about. The same usual questions, why you're still a hawk, what you're up to and all that. The public knows the least about you, but that may be a good thing. When someone has too many questions to ask, they settle for shallow answers, you know?"

[Sure. Nothing I haven't handled before.]

"One topic I'm worried they might bring up is, uh..." Kono looked anxiously at all of us, but kept her gaze on me the longest. "Your mother. We all know you have one, we just don't know who she is or why you don't have a relationship with her."

Tobias fell silent.

Loren had absolutely no memory of Tobias, or Elfangor. The idea of subjecting a stranger who had no concept of most of this to the whirlwind of post-war insanity was just off the table. Poor Loren didn't deserve this life. So Tobias found Loren a nice place to live, away from all the chaos, and at some point they agreed that they didn't need to see each other again. I wasn't there, so I had no idea how that conversation went down. All I knew was that Tobias came back from somewhere, without saying where Loren was, and told me they were going their separate ways.

Even after three years, he never made any attempt to contact her, and as far as I knew, she never tried finding him, either. I understood that a relationship with a mother who didn't love him or his father, or even _knew_ him or his father, would have been painful. And I understood that Loren wanted a life out of the public eye, and Tobias wanted that for her as well.

But what I didn't understand was why they didn't even try. Loren was a perfectly sweet woman, who seemed more than capable of loving Tobias. And I knew Tobias had no one else. People had stopped harassing our parents years ago, and they lived mostly private lives now. Why didn't they just…?

In truth, none of us really had an answer for that one. Not even me.

[We can't ban that one?] Tobias asked.

"I did try. But they won't."

[Fine.] He replied shortly.

"Dude, she tried," Marco said defensively.

[Oh, no, I really appreciate it, Kono. I promise, I do. I just don't like talking about that.]

Looking a little put out, Kono continued. "And last but not least, Jake. I was going to say it would just be some regular questions about how is the teaching gig treating you and your recovery from drug addiction and all that, but after seeing you...I mean, the questions are going to change."

Jake looked confused. "Change?"

"_You've_ changed," Cassie clarified. "Have you_ seen_ you?"

Marco grinned. "Uh-oh. Should I get Ronnie on the phone? We might need an intervention."

Cassie and Jake just rolled their eyes. I felt the need to punch Marco in the shoulder.

Kono shook her head, amused. "In all seriousness, the last time you appeared in public you looked a lot different. I anticipate they'll be asking how you got your life together, got healthy, got clean. They'll be dying to hear it."

Jake shrugged. "That's fine. But are they going to ask about..."

"Nothing about Tom," Marco said quickly. "That was the first thing I had Kono take care of."

"Thanks."

I got up, suddenly feeling very hot. "I'm gonna grab a drink in the kitchen."

Marco pointed at the bar. "I have lots of - "

"I just want, like, ice water," I said hastily.

Cassie knew what I was feeling. She tried to help by covering me up. "Get me one too?"

[Yeah, it is kind of hot in here. Can't afford air conditioning, Marco?]

They were all covering for me. Throwing random topics between us so we can forget the word "Tom" was ever mentioned. But the name still rang in my ears, even after I ducked out. It was just a lot, all at once. It had already been a rough week, with school, the funeral just hours before, and Kono had inadvertently opened old scars in all of us. But mentioning Tom was like twisting the knife in my bleeding wounds.

I killed Tom. After all these years, it still hung over me like a cloud. He was my cousin. My big, annoying cousin that made fun of my dresses when I was little and pulled on my pigtails. When we got older, he used to joke about him and Jake beating up my boyfriends. I didn't have an older sibling, but Tom was probably the closest thing I ever got. Even after the divorce and our families grew more distant, Tom always had a smile for me.

And then, he became a Controller.

The truth was we had lost Tom long before I killed him on the Blade Ship. But it was me, _I_ had physically reached out and squeezed the life from his body. Tom was still alive, and then he wasn't. I did that.

I grabbed two glasses in Marco's sub-kitchen, his actual kitchen was a couple rooms away and staffed by professional chefs six days a week. For light snacks, Marco had a separate small kitchen that was the size of the entire first floor of our house. The sink had a filter on it, but I opted to fill the glasses with water from the talking fridge.

"_Hello, Guest. Would you like your ice cubed or crushed?"_

"Crushed. Always crushed. Jesus, who the hell puts cubed ice in their water?"

When I turned to go back, Jake was there.

"Are you giving attitude to a refrigerator?"

I almost spilled. I was still more than a little shaken at his appearance, and now that it was just the two of us, I couldn't help but stare at this stranger before me. He was doing so fucking _well._

Jake came over to me, but made no move to touch me. He tried to smile, as did I, but we both were failing miserably. We both knew why.

You didn't quite know what to say to the person who ordered you to kill your cousin, his own brother, and acknowledged that he was condemning you to death, too. Especially when you both somehow came out of it alive, and had to look each other in the eye.

And to make matters worse, that same guy who once deemed your life and his own brother's life expendable seemed to be doing better in the new world than you were.

It was like taking a hit in the gut. I took a deep breath. "Did you want one too?"

He nodded. "Yeah, but don't worry, I got it. You only have two hands."

He filled his own glass and it felt weird to just leave, somehow, so I waited for him.

"Speaking of hands, how's your friend? Ben?" Jake asked conversationally. "Is his arm okay?"

I hadn't even spoken to him in a week. "Yeah."

"That's good. When I saw what happened on the news I was so worried about you guys. Almost hopped an earlier flight to make sure you all were okay. I thought you'd all outgrown that sort of thing."

That made me feel a little angry. "Outgrown helping our friends? Saving lives?"

"I was kidding, I didn't mean - "

"Doesn't matter. I'm okay, Cassie's okay, Marco's okay. Tobias is okay."

"Thank God for that guy, though, huh? He must really like you - "

"Look, Jake, I'm not in the mood to play whatever game you're trying to play," I interrupted. "What's this about?"

He sighed. "Honestly, I'm trying to get to know you again. I want to be family."

"You think it'll be that easy? After everything we've been through? You and me?" I asked sarcastically.

"No, I don't think it'll be easy. But I think it's possible."

"Well, not right here, right now next to a stupid talking refrigerator. I have a lot of stuff on my mind," I said curtly, pushing past him. He grabbed my arm.

"Are you...okay?"

I shook him off roughly. "Not everyone's life is as perfect as yours."

I marched back into the room, a false smile plastered on my face, and handed Cassie her water. She looked at me curiously, then at Jake, who followed me into the room. She frowned at him in disapproval.

I wasn't sure what that was about, exactly, but it at least made me feel better that she seemed to be on my side.


	13. I - Party Time

_**I.**_

* * *

**CHAPTER THIRTEEN - ****Party Time**

* * *

When we arrived, our limo stopped at the back of the elementary school. The "Animorph-Mania _(Presented by MBC)_" show was going to be held in its auditorium, something about having our eyes on the future or whatever. I don't know.

They dropped us off at a playground, enclosed by a chain link fence. There was nothing remarkable about it, just some hopscotch, a couple swings and slides, monkey bars, and a sand box. The doorway led to the gym, which we had been informed was furnished to act as a large green room. They had brought us around this way for a reason – it was private and protected.

Yet somehow, someone had caught wind and now there were dozens of people pressing up against the fence, shouting for us, shoving camera lenses through the chainlinks, trying to draw us in for interviews. Police lined the fence and a couple of them stood by the doorway to the gym, unflinching. I also took note of the FBI agents and SWAT team patrolling the grounds, all wearing bulletproof vests, holding back dogs that looked like they were just dying to bite someone in the ass.

"Jeez," I grumbled, being very careful to keep my legs together as I emerged from the back of the limo. My dress was conservative, but I couldn't take any chances anymore. Not after the _Pantygate_ scandal in February. I kept my head down, only looking up to make sure Cassie was behind me.

"It's been a while for you, I guess," Cassie said sympathetically. She stood beside me, appearing a lot more comfortable than I felt. Her head was high and while she did offer the reporters a few small smiles and nods, she didn't ham it up like Marco usually did and she didn't lash out like I sometimes did.

Cassie had told me once that in the old days, being my best friend was like living in my shadow. Clearly, things had changed since then. She kept us moving through the playground, even when guards and publicists other assorted people began to swarm, because she knew the press behind the fence was starting to make me edgy. They were desperately shouting questions at us, and in the cacophony I heard Ben's name more than once.

Like the playground, the gym was just an elementary school gym. Except for the guards and dogs and cops patrolling the place, and the throngs of people holding more recorders and microphones than I was comfortable with. Some, I vaguely recognized - publicists, reps, sponsors, government agents, etc. Most were just a bunch of strangers that descended upon us like buzzards as soon as we were in sight. It quickly became a madhouse.

"Hi, I'm with MiTech Corp, and I just wanted to - "

"Showtime in less than two hours, so if you can just - "

"I have a proposition for you that I know you won't pass up - "

"This earpiece connects to this device that we can clip to your clothing - "

"Can I get you a hot towel? Or a massage?"

After an eternity of mindless nodding and vague shrugs, they let me go. Cassie and Marco were much more congenial with the whirlwind of people, so they were stuck. That was their own fault.

Against one wall under the basketball hoop they stood several long, horizontal lighted mirrors and tables, with five stools. The tables were littered with a about six tons of hair and makeup supplies. The stylists stood around the empty stools, looking bored.

At another corner of the gym they had set up a sort of lounge area, with two large sectionals and a big coffee table between them. The table was piled high with bowls of chips and popcorn, trays of doughnuts, a six-foot sub, and a large cake. I saw Jake and Tobias there, with Kono standing off to the side on the phone, scribbling furiously into a notepad. After weighing my options, the sea of harassment with Cassie and Marco versus the storm cloud of feelings that hung over Jake and Tobias, I sauntered over to refreshments area. Hopefully Kono would defuse some of that tension.

"This was a mistake, I want to go home," I complained, flopping onto the couch across from Jake and Tobias.

"Hang on, hang on," Kono was saying into her phone. She covered it with her hand. "Rachel, you look absolutely_ stunning._"

"Oh, thanks. You, too." I was wearing something nice, but it was nothing compared for what I had in store for the Andalite gala. Cassie and I were going to _kill_.

"You look good, Rach," Tobias agreed. I attempted a smile at him, just sort of absorbing the compliment. We would have to get along well, in front of all these people. Last night had been rough on all of us, with all the rehearsing and planning, and none of that frustration was allowed to carry into tonight.

"You guys clean up nicely," I said, looking them over without actually making eye contact. I wasn't just being polite. Jake looked very handsome in a suit that was no doubt taken in by Marco's personal tailor, and I always found Tobias attractive, but especially when he had some decent clothes. "I'm still just so used to seeing you in tight kids t-shirts and neon bike shorts."

"Speaking of, remind me to remorph before we go on stage. They promised we won't be out there for more than an hour but I figure I should start the two-hour clock fresh anyway, just in case."

"Like you need to be reminded," I said dryly. _Whoops._ So much for getting along.

Jake frowned at me. "Hey, where are Cassie and Marco? They still back there?"

"Yeah, you know how they are. They're the only ones who know how to navigate that sea of terror."

Tobias looked over at them, weighing his options just like I had before. Except he chose the mob.

"I'll try to break them away. I feel like we should have a group huddle or something first..."

He left, and Jake gave me a look. It was a familiar expression, one he usually reserved for when I was getting enthusiastically difficult.

"That was a little harsh, Rachel."

I bristled. "Yeah, well. That's not really any of your business."

"Why are you mad at _me?_" Jake demanded. "I'm just trying to make things cool between us."

"You're just trying to make yourself not feel so guilty about me," I spat. "Newsflash: It's not my job to make you feel good about yourself. You can save your pity."

"Pity? Rachel, I - "

Kono hung up her phone and interrupted us, glancing around nervously. "Guys. Guys, chill, okay? People might start to notice."

I clenched my fists and took a few deep breaths. Truthfully, I had no idea why I was so irrationally mad at Jake. Just seeing him so good-looking and happy, and now he was acting like he was the boss of me again...

"I'm okay," I said neutrally.

"Me too," Jake agreed, looking at me with concern. It burned.

Kono looked back and forth between us. "You sure you two are good to go out there?"

"Yes," we both replied stiffly. Not that we had a choice in the matter.

Looking entirely unconvinced, Kono held up her hands in surrender.

"If you say so. You should get to the makeup chairs over there. We're running low on time and there is no way we can delay this. I'll go rescue the others, I don't think Tobias is gonna make it back on his own. You two just...sit and smile. Okay?"

Jake wordlessly marched off to the makeup section. Kono watched him go, then looked at me.

"Rachel, I won't pretend to understand everything going on between you and your cousin, but the audience needs to see a happy group of friends. I told you how much is riding on this event. If the public thinks you all hate each other, then they won't trust your opinions. You guys hold so much power over people, the future of human-alien relations may actually depend a lot on this night."

My eyes narrowed, but I managed to hold back what I really wanted to say. "I'll be good."

I plopped down in the makeup chair next to Jake.

I didn't hate him. Really. It was infinitely more complicated than that, with our history. Three years ago, we had both agreed that I would be the one to go to the Blade Ship. To kill Tom, and mostly likely, to die there alone. It was _both_ of our decision. We _both_ emerged from the war damaged. And I had thought we were _both_ beyond repair, but...

Well, Jake looked repaired. And here I was, killing innocent woodland creatures because his kind of drug addiction wasn't enough. Because I didn't just need the high, I needed the blood. The gore. The win.

"Sorry," I said finally.

He looked at me cautiously. "Me...too..."

We left it at that, for now. Jake sat back and let the makeup lady get her easy job started. Jake, like most guys, didn't need much more than a little powder. The bastards.

I eyed my own makeup guy skeptically. He was maybe in his thirties, and he looked awfully plain for a makeup artist. The others all had dyed or highlighted hair, some piercings, a tattoo here and there. They were all fashionably adorned with jewelry and trendy clothing.

This guy had short black hair and, well, he looked a little like Ben. But lacking Ben's bright, warm smile and dimples, the makeup artist was utterly unremarkable. He didn't have the look of anyone particularly interesting, which was strange because his _job_ was to make people look interesting. I was supposed to let this guy touch my face? Cassie would probably say something about judging from appearances, and she would be right, so I kept my thoughts to myself.

Until he got powder in my eye.

"Ow!" I rubbed at it. He looked startled.

"I'm sorry!" he gasped. "I...I forgot my glasses at home."

I glared at him behind me in the mirror. He looked apologetic enough that I managed not to lash out at him. Next to me, I saw Tobias, Cassie and Marco join us in their own chairs.

"It's fine. But I don't know what you're doing with that foundation. My skin is way too fair for that shade, and I have a mixed complexion. Grab that jar by Jake."

I studied him curiously. When he picked up the small jar, he did it hesitantly, like he wasn't sure how heavy it was going to be. He read the label, and looked at me. I nodded impatiently. I was making him nervous, and that took the edge off my anger a little. I even felt kind of sorry for him.

"Careful, man, Rachel has always kinda been the Michelangelo of makeup," Jake warned jokingly.

The guy smiled and nodded. Then he proceeded to open the jar and apply its contents – incorrectly.

"I've got it," I said, as kindly as I could. But really, this was his _career_. He should know better. I heard Cassie laugh at me and I rolled my eyes.

"Sorry," the artist said.

"No, it's okay, I'm just really picky. Why don't you go work on Marco?" _He's the one that should look like a clown,_ I thought.

I stood up and let Kono sit in the chair as I did my own makeup. She didn't need anything done, but she set down her laptop on the makeup counter and continued to prepare us for the press conference.

* * *

The auditorium stage wasn't large, just big enough to hold a long table where we all sat, side by side. The five of us faced the packed audience, every seat filled. The exits were all guarded, maybe twenty lightly armed men packed in the small auditorium. The cops and other agents were mostly patrolling outside the school and back at the gym.

"Nervous?" Tobias asked quietly. He'd caught me peeking from behind the curtain at all the people.

"Oh, please," I scoffed.

He knew I was full of shit. "I'm a little nervous. But remember, we rehearsed every possible scenario. We have answers for everything they throw at us."

It was true. All of us had stayed at Marco's until well past midnight practicing our answers to even the toughest questions. Most of it would have been thoroughly embarrassing, were it not for the fact that we had all been through hell and back together, so very little about our history was a surprise. It wasn't a perfect run-through, though. There were somethings that would just never be easy to talk about, no matter how many times we practiced.

We were introduced, one by one, and met with resounding applause as we took a seat at the table. Marco was last and received the loudest reaction, as expected. He sat to my right, and Jake to my left. To Jake's left was Cassie, and then Tobias at the far end.

The emcee was Grant Newheart, an admittedly good-looking silver fox and "broadcast pioneer" that apparently changed the face of mainstream media over the past forty years or something. He was someone I could probably see Marco being, when he was old and grey. Mr. Newheart stood in front at a podium to give some introductory speech.

"So, I would like to begin this meeting of the PTA with a discussion about the new attendance policy…"

The audience laughed. My friends grinned. I struggled not to roll my eyes.

"Of course, I jest," Grant Newheart said, tucking that joke card safely in his pocket to be reused at another of his dumb interviews. He looked over at us and noted the expression I was unable to hide.

Damn. Target acquired.

"Not enough, though, if I couldn't get Rachel to crack a smile. Should I get Marco up here to tell a few?"

The audience roared in excitement, Marco's comedic reputation well known. He beamed, naturally.

I leaned into my mic, forcing a grin. "Don't you dare. I just ate."

More laughter. Grant Newheart clapped his hands.

"Oh, and Rachel drops the gauntlet!" he exclaimed gleefully. I sat back, satisfied and wondering if this meant I didn't have to say much else for the rest of the night. Mr. Newheart looked down at his cards. "It says here Marco's supposed to have some introductory words, but maybe I should ask _her_ to open us up!"

The audience clapped, but everyone knew Marco was the star.

"I'm gonna have to defer to him," I said, pointing a thumb at Marco. "He gets cranky if we don't let him babble."

Chuckling and more applause as Grant Newheart stepped aside to let him in the limelight. He easily took to the stage like a dolphin in water. This was his natural habitat, and the audience was his little bucket of fish.

So the rest of us hunkered down and watched Marco pull off his little show. I met Cassie's eye and she gave me two thumbs up behind the table. I'd done well so far, especially since this was my first public event in months and the first one ever where all the human Animorphs were present. Maybe I could pull this off after all.

"And thank _you_ very much, ladies and gentlemen!" Marco said, finally ending his monologue. He handed the mic back to Mr. Newheart and took his seat. The auditorium practically shook and it took several minutes to settle down.

Jake pulled up his mic to tell his own joke. "Guys, you're gonna have to stop doing that, unless you're the one that wants to go home with him and deflate that head of his."

Someone in the crowd screamed, _"I'll go home with him!"_

Marco winked and the crowd went nuts again.

I leaned into him to whisper. "Dude, dial it down so we can get this show on the road. I have school tomorrow!"

Mr. Newheart saw this exchange. Another mistake. He zeroed in on me like a predator. Or like a schoolteacher that caught a student passing notes at the back of class and made her read it out loud.

"You guys telling secrets over there?" he teased. "Why don't we start with you, Rachel?"

Everyone clapped and I took a deep breath. My friends looked at me encouragingly. It looked like I was up to bat.

"Let's do it," I said. My friends snickered around me as the rest of the auditorium looked blank. It was kind of comforting to know we still had that inside joke between us.

"All right!" Mr. Newheart shuffled his cards. "Now, you've been in a news a lot lately, haven't you, Rachel?"

I made a carefully planned expression of mock ignorance. "You sure that was me? Or was it Ashlee Simpson or Britney Spears? Because the papers mix us up a lot."

That got a laugh. It was an artful joke, made to seem like I took all the tabloids lightly but at the same time acknowledging that it was all bullshit. Tobias had actually invented that one.

Mr. Newheart chuckled. "No, I don't mean the trash mags. I'm talking about the _real_ news."

That was a surprise. We all looked backstage. All the publicists were waving their arms and shaking their heads. No, we weren't supposed to talk about the acts of terrorism. I didn't have to talk about that.

Mr. Newheart backtracked. "The real news being the rumors of a new love interest in your life. Can we get a comment on that?"

I allowed everyone let out their _"Oooooooooh!"_ before responding. We had practiced this last night.

"Mmmm, nah."

Everyone hooted at me and Mr. Newheart put on his best devastated expression.

"I've made a couple friends," I said, plastering a cryptic smile on my face that I had rehearsed for about an hour the night before. Everyone knew about Ben. No one but us knew about my breaking it off with him. This had to be played very carefully. If anyone found out I wasn't even speaking to him, that would reflect badly on me. I turned down the guy that saved my life? We couldn't let America see me as that much of an asshole. Plus, it wouldn't exactly have a great effect on Ben's reputation either.

So we decided, "cryptic smile" while my heart pounded in my ears.

"A couple friends? That's all you're giving us?" Mr. Newheart pressed. "Come on, you've got brains, you've got beauty - "

"Grant Newheart, if this is you trying to get a date out of me, may I remind you that you're married?"

That one absolutely killed, and I had made it up all by myself. Mr. Newheart held his hand over his heart playfully. The guy played his public persona very, very well. He'd been doing it for forty years, and I wondered if there even was a real person still there under all the showmanship.

"All right, all right, I'll let you off the hook if you promise not to tell my wife," he conceded. "However, there has been_ another_ rumor floating around about your love life…"

Tobias and I. This was the one I had been afraid of. None of our practiced scenarios came out very well. Denying our history wasn't easy. Tobias at least had the excuse of being unable to hide feelings in his human morph - he wasn't used to that kind of thing anymore. For me, even as controlled as I could make myself, I could not convincingly claim I never had romantic feelings for Tobias.

Long, excruciating story short, we decided that the best way to handle it was to shorten the length of our relationship. It would make talking about it easier, without opening the big can of worms that was our real breakup. So "officially", Tobias and I would have dated for only the three years during the war, and broke up shortly afterwards, realizing we were "pulled together by shared hardship" and "drifted apart without that common thread". Then "we remained close friends ever since".

Basically, we had to rewrite our lives.

"I think you know what I'm going to ask," Mr. Newheart winked cheekily.

"No, I have never and will never date Marco in this or any other conceivable alternate universe."

Another joke that cracked everyone up. My friends looked amused as well, although Cassie seemed to stare off into space at that.

"You are being especially fresh tonight," Mr. Newheart accused jokingly. "How about we turn to _Tobias_, then? Do _you_ have any confessions to make?"

I saw everyone's eyes slowly turning to Tobias. He blushed a deep red and scratched his head.

"I, uh, I'd never date Marco either."

Jake jumped in. "I'll just throw it out there that neither would I."

Everyone absolutely howled. Part of what we'd agreed to last night was to focus as much attention on Marco as we could. Not only because the idiot loved it, but because he was the best at it. If we couldn't target him, we would send the burden to Cassie, but Marco was such an easy target.

Mr. Newheart shook his head, although I could see a little bit of impatience cracking through his smile.

"Oh, come now. The rumors have been swirling for years. Tobias and Rachel. Rachel and Tobias. The two elusive, most secretive Animorphs. Is there, or was there, something going on between you two?"

I looked over at Tobias. In our practice, he's the one who actually answered it better. He was a lot more neutral than I was, less disposed to anger. But now he gone even more red, practically purple. His fingers were drumming the table, and he was biting his lip. It was bad enough we were trying to lie about something that had once meant the world to us, but the guy had no idea to compose himself as a human anymore.

"W-we...uh…"

"Yeah, we were together," I said, pulling the audience gaze off him. The others stared at me in surprise. I steeled myself. Tobias couldn't, so I had to. "Three years during the war, we just sort of came together. We were young, we understood each other more than anyone else in the world did."

That much was true, at least. I realized the reason Tobias and I couldn't get this right was because we _couldn't lie_. Not about this. Not about us.

A collective _"awwwwww"_ from the audience. Even Mr. Newheart acted endeared by the idea.

"What happened after the war?" he asked sympathetically. Although if he were _really_ sympathetic and not just here for the money and exposure, he wouldn't have asked in the first place.

Tobias took this one.

"Like Rachel said, the war kind of pulled us together," he said, carefully looking down at his glass of water as he spoke. "Then we just...lost that pull. We went our separate ways. We were only sixteen then. We're only nineteen now. There's still a lot of growing we have to do."

I raised my eyebrow, as I'm sure the others were doing. We hadn't rehearsed that last part.

"Growing?" Mr. Newheart. "The war made you all grow up pretty fast, didn't it?"

"Well, yeah, but everyone makes mistakes, at any age."

I stared at him. The others stared at him. The audience stared at him. He realized what he'd said too late.

"What - what I meant was - "

It was actually very impressive that he'd managed to avoid lying, like I did. But what_ did_ he mean? Was he saying it was a mistake that we continued for 2 years after the war? Did he think we should have split earlier? Or...was he saying…

"Are you saying it was a mistake breaking up with her?" Mr. Newheart asked.

Tobias coughed and took a large gulp of water.

_We couldn't lie._

"I mean, no offense, but I agree with you if that's what you're saying," he grinned. "Have you_ seen _her?"

"Ahem," Jake interrupted. "Friendly reminder that you're married, Mr. Newheart?"

His light-hearted attempt at diversion was completely ignored. Everyone was getting way too into this now.

I jumped back in, trying desperately to ease the tension that seemed to be spreading across the room.

"All he means is that when you love someone - "

"You were in _love?_"

That did it. It wasn't exactly a secret between the Animorphs, or even our families. Tobias and I had been head over heels for each other. But this was a revelation to the rest of the world. The ill-fated love affair between two war-torn teenagers, God, there was going to be a movie about us, wasn't there?

I buried my face in my hands. "Oh, shi - crap. Look we're not together anymore, okay? Can we leave it at that?"

Mr. Newheart nodded thoughtfully. "Yes. I know this is very personal, and I'm sorry for bringing it up."

No, he wasn't. I could practically hear the bloggers and magazine printers buzzing from the stage. Writers were already putting together news broadcasts. I saw dollar signs in Mr. Newheart's eyes.

"So, basically, the two of you aren't in love anymore, correct?"

He was looking at Tobias, who just looked stricken. When Mr. Newheart switched over to me, I was surprised to find that I was just as speechless. An unsettling quiet filled the auditorium, so thick it was getting a little hard to breathe.

_What the _fuck_, just _say _something!_

Suddenly there was a quick movement from the corner of my eye. Cassie had grabbed Jake's arm. She had been very quiet and distracted up until now.

"Gun," she said. Louder, with more urgency, she cried out, _"GUN!"_

I saw him in the audience. It was my stylist, from the gym backstage! He fired, at least partly out of panic, but not at us. He'd shot one of the security guards.

_"Everyone down!"_ Jake ordered, grabbing Cassie by the shoulders and dragging her down with him. Almost everyone hit the floor. Even now, Jake held that commanding quality. When he said something, you listened. The audience ducked down in their seats without question and the only people left standing were the security personnel.

About three of whom were aiming at the hair stylist. Another dozen or so looked completely and utterly confused. The rest of them were aiming their guns at our stage. At _us._

I got up and looked at Tobias at the other end of the table. He was thinking the same as me.

_Saved by the gunshot._

We both grabbed our corners and flipped the table to its side in front of us, just as the first round of shots were fired.

"Okay, what the_ shit?!_" I cried, as the poorly aimed bullets burst through the table. One of them grazed my shoulder painfully, but I was already morphing into my grizzly bear. The others were already morphing too. We didn't need to be told, it was still an instinct to us. It was still in our blood.

"You okay?!" Jake demanded, as stripes patterned his face.

"I'm fine," Cassie said. Her face bulged out into a long snout.

[Me too, in case anyone cares,] Marco's head was already entirely gorilla.

[Don't start that again,] Tobias ruffled the feathers that were just sprouting from his skin.

[I'm just saying, in these situations, without fail, you people never ask if_ I'm_ okay - ]

[Shut up, Marco.]

[Classic Rachel.]

[Both of you shut up.]

[Classic Jake.]

[We have to make sure Mr. Newheart and the audience is okay!]

[Classic Cass - ]

I vaulted over the table and took a few bullets, but my grizzly barely even felt it. I roared my throaty roar. This is_ exactly_ what I had been missing. This was exactly what I needed.

"P-p-please…"

I looked down and saw Grant Newheart on the floor, bleeding from his arm. He'd been shot by the elbow, but otherwise he would be okay.

[Marco, I think you'd better get your boyfriend out of the line of fire.]

[I'm on it.]

Marco tossed Mr. Newheart over his shoulder and lumbered backstage, promptly rushing back out.

[Nooope! More guys back there!] Marco set Mr. Newheart down behind our table. The rest of us shouted orders.

[We need to get everyone out of here!]Cassie said urgently.

[We need to take these guys down, too,] Jake said.

[We need to take down the _right_ guys,] Tobias corrected him. [Some of them are defending us!]

I kept my goddamn stylist in my sights. I knew something was up with him. That Neanderthal didn't even know to apply primer first before foundation on a mixed complexion. In the confusion, he'd managed to duck away from the security guards who were almost comically shooting at us _and _each other. What the hell was going on?

I barreled out from behind the table and charged.

[Rachel, what are you doing!?] Marco cried. He and Jake launched themselves at two security guards. Meanwhile, Tobias was flying around overhead, trying to usher people out of the auditorium and drawing the gunfire up over their heads.

[I'm going after the bastard with the face powder!] I growled.

[Rachel, no!] Jake tried to call after me, but I wasn't having it. I was sick and tired of this bullshit.

[How did this happen? How did the Initiative plant moles in the security personnel?] Cassie demanded. She had a security guard's gun hand clamped firmly in her mouth as the man screamed. Two shots were fired harmlessly into the floor.

[Must have been the same way they did it the day of your kidnapping,] Tobias said grimly.

[And how was that?]

[I'm about to find out,] I snarled, lunging after the stylist with the gun. In all the chaos, it took him a second to actually see me coming. When he did, he cried out in surprise. He was shouting something at me, but not running.

[Rachel, wait!] Tobias yelled.

[No, I've got him. This ends _now!]_ I rose to my hind legs over him and he cowered in fear. As a desperate move, he emptied his gun into my feet and shoulders. Nowhere near my chest or head or anywhere else it would have mattered. [What the hell do you think you're doing, you idiot?]

"Rachel Berenson, please - "

I raised my paw, and then suddenly felt a sharp pain burst through it. I roared and turned to find Heather, the redhead reporter, standing behind me holding a smoking pistol.

_[You!] _I raged. [I_ knew_ it!]

She didn't seem the least bit apologetic, or frightened. "Rachel, listen to me - "

[I don't think so,] I threw a backhanded swipe at her, knocking her into a pile of overturned chairs like a limp rag doll. Adrenaline surged through me, and I wasn't even embarrassed to admit how much I enjoyed doing that.

_[Rachel!] _Tobias swooped down. [Oh, my god - ]

[She's alive,] I said shortly. [She'll be fine, just unconscious for a couple hours. I've done this before, you know.]

[But - ]

[Did you not see her _shoot me?!]_ I held up my bleeding paw as evidence.

Cassie darted over to us. I noticed she was limping slightly, favoring her bleeding left leg. She would need to demorph soon.

[She's right,] Cassie said, looking her over. [Heather will be okay. God, this doesn't make any sense! Why would she shoot you?]

[Because she's Initiative, and has been all along!] I spat. My stylist had gotten away because of her. [As for the rest of your questions, I'm going to track down that stylist and get him to answer them! And you'd better demorph, Cassie, the minute you can.]

I turned away from them and burst out of the auditorium. Cassie, Jake, Marco, and Tobias could handle the chaos in there. A couple guys with guns were nothing, and I was already pretty sure they'd taken down most of the dangerous ones, with the help of the real security guards.

How had they done it? I could see maybe planting fake security in Congressman Howe's staff during Cassie's meeting. It was small, secluded, so it would have been relatively easy. Sneaking a couple men onto the job wouldn't have been a cakewalk, but it was conceivable. But this was huge. This was a televised event with super strict security. There were metal detectors, FBI, bomb-sniffing dogs, the whole nine yards. Maybe they could have sneaked in a couple guys to masquerade as guards but that was at least a dozen men in there!

_How did they get away with that?_

The hallways were packed with running people, all trying to escape through the gym. Unfortunately, that was probably exactly where the stylist would be hiding, trying to blend in. I remembered how plain he looked when I met him. There was no way I would be able to identify him among the crowd. All the way at the entrance from the playground, I could see the FBI and cops trying to push their way inside against the stampede of terrified civilians.

They had purposely sealed off any extra doors, for security, but that just left a bottle-necking effect at the available entrances. I could see staff unchaining other doorways, but it was still making the cops and SWAT teams slow to respond. They had been patrolling out there, not inside.

[Fuck.] I looked back at the auditorium and the people pouring out of it. [Fuck, fuck,_ fuck_.]

[Yeah, it's kind of been a crappy day.] Tobias fluttered out of the auditorium and landed on a row of lockers. He peered down at the gym with eyes infinitely better than mine. [Wow, look at that.]

[I know. I - ]

[Rachel! Watch out!] Tobias cried abruptly.

Too late. A bullet hit me right in my eye. I howled in pain and fell back, my head slamming against the lockers. My face was already slick with blood.

[By the stage!] Tobias pinpointed the shooter inside the auditorium, and Jake went leaping after him. Cassie rushed out and stood over me.

[Rachel! Rachel, say something!]

[I am _so fucking tired _of this shit!]

[Okay, uh, good. Demorph!] Cassie nudged me with her nose. [Come on, we rounded up a bunch of them, but you can't just lie there!]

But I was getting awfully woozy. My already poor grizzly vision was getting worse.

[Rachel, demorph!] Tobias pleaded. [Come on!]

[Uh...need a little help here!] Marco shielded his face as a string of new bullets flew at him. He was trying to protect the guards they had tied up with audio cables.

[Tobias, help her!] Cassie said fiercely as she bounded back in to help Marco. I sat up slowly, dazed.

_[Demorph!]_ he urged me again.

[I just need to…]

Suddenly, I could see her, plain as day. A flash of shiny red hair, running down the hall away from us. A large SWAT team dressed in full riot gear was entering at the same time. They didn't even notice her squeezing past them. She was just a civilian as far as they were concerned.

_[Heather!]_ I cried, rage filling my veins again. I wasn't weak or dizzy anymore. I was mad. I was beyond mad. And this time, I was going to get what I wanted. I felt the hot blood streaming down the matted fur of my chest, but I didn't care. Adrenaline was pumping, and that was all I needed.

I went for her, shoving right past the shouting SWAT team.

[Wait, _what? _Are you sure?]

He knew I was sure. He could see her better than me. Tobias probably even saw her before I did and didn't want to say anything. I didn't know what to think anymore.

Still, he flew after me. We barreled into the hallway and I saw her look back at us. She looked surprised and made a sharp left, into a hallway of what looked like kindergarten classrooms. I followed her, only vaguely aware of my blood dripping onto the linoleum floor as I ran.

When I burst into the classroom, which was covered in large alphabet cutouts, pictures of puppies and colorful building block forts, Heather was holding a gun and pointing it at my bleeding head.

[You think that'll do anything to me?] I cackled, motioning at my face with bravado. [Someone already tried, honey. You're gonna need something a little more than that.]

[Heather?] Tobias had landed on top of a rocking horse. He looked at her cautiously. [I can't believe you recovered so quick. Usually when Rachel knocks someone out they are _out.]_

Heather shrugged, almost nonchalantly. "Well, you know me."

[I can always try again,] I growled, lumbering over towards her.

[No, Rachel,] Tobias said calmly, despite there being a gun in my damn face.

[Tobias, she's one of them! She's Initiative!]

[No, she isn't,] Tobias hissed. [Rachel, back off, you have to demorph. You're losing a lot of blood.]

[She's holding a fucking gun!]

[Rachel, I trust her!]

I glared at the both of them and I realized that yes, he did. Tobias was perched closer to me, but I could tell that they were standing together. He didn't want me to hurt her. He trusted this woman that had shot me once and would do it again in a heartbeat.

And, Lord help me, I still trusted him. _Now_ I was starting to feel dizzy again.

[You had better explain to me whats going on or - ]

I lost my thought-speak as I shrunk into my puny human body. Suddenly I was standing in front of both of them in a bathing suit, feeling above all else extraordinarily awkward. It was the only morphing suit that wouldn't show under my dress, although I'll be damned if I didn't look good in it.

"Explain. Now," I demanded.

Tobias focused his hawk gaze on Heather, hesitating a few seconds before finally saying, [Heather, I'm going to tell her.]

Heather looked at him shrewdly. "Fine. Whatever. But can you talk while I throw a chair out this window? We don't have a lot of time to get out of here, and the SWAT teams are coming in through all the doors."

Tobias fell silent.

"Come on, Tobias, I'm getting more and more pissed off," I scowled.

[Wait, really? I kind of thought you'd put up more of a fight about this,] Tobias said to her.

Heather rolled her eyes. "We're in kind of a situation here. Just say whatever you need to say to make her cooperate, all right?"

I scowled. "I hate to say I agree with her, but…"

[Heather would never be this quick to let me spill the beans,] Tobias said. [She's acting strange. Not herself.]

I could tell he was speaking privately to me. Why? What did he mean?

Heather was noticing our mutual silence. Slowly her eyes moved from Tobias to me. She knew we were talking about her. Something was going on.

"You know, I really hoped to take you both in alive, but oh well." She shrugged. Then, she aimed her gun right at Tobias.

"Whoa!" I held up my hands. There was no way I was going to be able to morph anything in time. "Whoa, okay, let's chill for a minute."

[Rachel, you have to get out of here,] Tobias called to me urgently. [Heather can't have gotten up so soon after being tossed by a grizzly bear. Look at her, not a scratch or bruise on her. This is big. Too big for you to handle on your own. Get away!]

I glared at him. "Like hell I will!"

Heather smirked at us. "Having a private little chat, are we?"

[Rachel, go! While she's focused on me!] The gun was aimed point blank at his chest. Even if it wasn't such a close target, almost any bullet wound was fatal for a hawk. If I made a break for it, even if she was quick enough to graze me with a bullet, I would probably still survive. Not that it mattered - either way meant Tobias was going to die.

So there was absolutely no way I was going anywhere.

"What is this, like, some kind of lovers' spat or whatever?" I joked anxiously, trying to stall for time. Every moment mattered. Any second now, Jake, Cassie, Marco or that goddamn SWAT team could show up in this classroom… "Did Tobias find out that's not your natural hair color or something?"

At that, she laughed. "I have it on pretty good authority that this hair color is natural, actually."

"Yeah, right. And I'm a - "

I stopped. It felt like everything stopped. I realized. I figured it out. Everything, all the clues, all the possibilities in my brain, all the crazy things that had happened clicked neatly into place. I very suddenly knew _exactly_ what was going on.

"The Initiative can _morph,_" I whispered. _"_You're not Heather. You're in morph_. Holy shit."_

Not-Heather smirked and held a finger to her lips.

"_Shhh..."_

She pulled the trigger. Before I even knew what I was doing, I dove in front of Tobias.

_[RACHEL! NO!]_

I felt the first bullet hit me in stomach, and the second near my neck.

I didn't even feel the third.


	14. I - The Morning After

_**I.**_

* * *

**CHAPTER FOURTEEN - The Morning After**

* * *

I didn't know where I was, or even_ when_ it was. I was blind. I couldn't feel anything. It was like waking up inside a dark box.

"Oh, my God._ Rachel._" I faintly heard someone shout. The sound was muted, dull, like it was happening in the next room._ "She's awake! She's awake! Someone get in here!"_

I tried to say something, but my throat and lips were too dry, like I had been mouth-breathing for days. Then I realized, there was something stuck down the length of my throat. Something big. I was choking!

I gasped and tried to raise my hands, but it was like I had no control. Like I didn't even have arms. Like I didn't even have a_ body_. No air! I tried to thrash, tried to fight whatever darkness was holding me in this sensory prison, but absolutely nothing was happening.

"It's okay, it's okay, she's fighting the tube," someone was saying, somewhere. "This is good! She's breathing on her own. We just need to extubate – _whoa!_"

I didn't know what was going on. I was afraid. And when that happens, it was generally just my instinct to morph my grizzly bear.

Slowly but surely as I morphed, the unnerving paralysis faded. It was like someone had turned the lights on and my mind was pulled back into my head. I started bulking up, like someone putting a steroid user on fast forward. I vaguely heard people screaming as the fur began to sprout, felt my face protrude, and whatever was down my throat was suddenly not so big anymore. I raised a clawed half-human hand and yanked it out. It hurt, it scraped my windpipe raw, but it was out. I could breathe. I could move! I pulled off a few more tubes and wires before jerking into a sitting position. Whatever it was I was sitting on collapsed beneath me. I hit the ground and grunted.

"Rachel! I said _stop it!_"

My poor grizzly vision had kicked in and I couldn't quite make out the person yelling at me. A woman of slightly below-average height, dark-haired, wearing a very sleek pantsuit partially covered by a yellow paper gown.

[M-Mom?]

She was bravely whacking at my 800 pound bear body with a drippy IV bag. Definitely my mom.

[Mom!]

As I started to calm down I realized I was surrounded by hospital staff, but they were all cowering a safe distance from me. Only my mother dared to stay close, her hand clutching a fistful of my fur and tugging urgently. The others must've thought she was crazy. I knew I got it from somewhere.

"Rachel, you are in the hospital and these people are trying to help you! You just scared them all nearly to death. You demorph_ right this instant_."

[I'm in the –_ oh._] I looked down and realized my grizzly bulk was sitting on top of the twisted metal and plastic remains of a hospital bed, and what I guessed used to be my hospital gown. I was flanked by various machines all beeping and flashing wildly, trying to alert the staff of what they'd already seen - a sick, skinny girl suddenly blowing up into planet's largest land predator.

"Demorph, Rachel. Right now!"

I did, and when I was fully human, I was acutely aware that I was butt-naked on the floor being stared at by a dozen nurses and doctors.

"...What the hell?"

My mother threw a blanket over me and looked me over, making sure I was unhurt. I let her examine my body, still too confused to be properly humiliated.

"Her injuries are gone," she said to one of the doctors.

"They're_ gone!?_" A bald guy in blue scrubs and surgical cap cautiously came forward. My doctor, apparently.

"Yes, that's what happens when they morph. They heal." Mom lifted the blanket so that they could see. Smooth, undamaged skin. She leaned me forward, so they could peer at the back of my head. Other than being a wild tangle of blonde hair, it was fine.

"Mom, what is - ?"

Suddenly, images came rushing back to me so hard I almost pitched backwards. The press conference. The shooting. It was all hazy, nothing concrete, but I remembered the guards, not really guards. I remembered bleeding from my eye. For some reason, I remembered Tobias and Heather in a kindergarten classroom.

But I couldn't connect any of these images to a cohesive story. It was like waking up from a dream, and then quickly losing all memory of it.

My mother hugged me tightly, breaking my concentration. "Rachel, sweetheart, apologize for destroying their ICU."

"Uh, sorry for destroying your ICU," I said, dazed.

"It's okay," a nurse said weakly. The staff was staring at my mom and for once, I didn't feel like everyone saw _me_ as the craziest one in the room.

They had me moved from the unit. After the doctors gave me an official examination that mostly consisted of confused poking and prodding, they admitted it seemed like I was fully and completely healed. Still, they wanted me observed overnight as a precaution. I got a bigger bed, which may or may not have been a safeguard in case I woke up in another panic and morphed into something huge again. I also recognized the room they gave me, the same really nice one Cassie was placed in after her attempted kidnapping.

It was kind of sad I was starting to recognize hospital rooms.

My mom explained what had happened. She had to, because I didn't remember most of it. Possibly from mental trauma or whatever, which the doctors said wasn't as instantaneously repaired as the physical brain trauma I had reportedly suffered. All I knew was that people had started shooting at our press conference and I ended up running down a hall with Tobias and Heather. The exact details of how I got shot and the few minutes beforehand were completely gone from my memory. It was like that part of my brain had just been sliced away.

It had been a whole two weeks since then. My friends had taken down most of the Initiative infiltrators, in classic Animorphs fashion. There were at least ten fake security guards in morph. Seven were captured, including the Heather impersonator, who was taken down by Jake after she shot me. A few had gotten away, and one was killed in all the commotion. The _real_ security agents and the _real _Heather were all still missing. The authorities were investigating, but the captured suspects weren't talking. They weren't even able to get the Initiative morphers to demorph. Every single one of them became a _nothlit_, a sickening, ghostly reminder of people who were now missing and very possibly dead.

Everyone else made it out okay. I, on the other hand, had been shot three times in my weak human body - once in the neck, once in the abdomen, and once in the back of the head. The first bullet apparently tore my esophagus, and their attempts at repairing it caused excess swelling, so they had to shove a breathing tube down my throat. The one to my abdomen made a mess of my liver. And the one to my head shattered the back of my skull. I heard they had found some of my brain on the floor.

Still, I survived. I had been in a coma and was slowly dying, of course, but I technically survived the actual shooting. Not officially dead, though so close to clinical brain death that funeral plans had already begun. Everyone was scared that even if by some miracle I did make it, I had suffered too much severe brain damage from trauma and oxygen deprivation. I could have become a completely different person. Barely a person at all.

But apparently miracles do happen. To me, in particular. I woke up close to being a vegetable but morphed on pure instinct, pulling myself out of the coma, repairing my own body and brain, and now I was as physically fit as I ever was.

Eventually, I got my mom to stop doting on me like I was disabled. I was fine, so I told her to go home. She would pick me up the next morning with my sisters, assuming the doctors got over my medical miracle enough to release me. But at least my mother convinced them to let me eat. My entire afternoon consisted of multiple x-rays, CT scans, and MRI's, all of which demonstrated perfect human organs, no damage whatsoever. They were particularly interested in my brain activity, but I could only tolerate the EEG leads attached to my head for so long.

Anyway, I figured the least they could do after shoving me into machines and irradiating my body was to let me have a sandwich. And let me wear my own pajamas, not those stiff, papery, ass-bearing patient gowns.

After my mom left, I flipped on the TV and tried to watch a couple of sitcoms.

"_We interrupt this broadcast with Breaking News: We are reporting live from Downtown Medical Center, where Animorph Rachel Berenson has awoken from her coma. Doctors have announced her - "_

I groaned and shut the TV off. Where was my call bell? If I could get some more sandwiches...

"Hey."

Cassie appeared in my door, holding a bag of what smelled suspiciously like Burger King. Marco and Kono were with her, holding a 2 Liter of Coke and a party bag of Doritos.

"I called your mom when I heard the news. She told us what happened."

"If you want, I can pay to rebuild the ICU and have them rename it after you," Marco said, probably only half-joking.

"Hah-hah." I eyed their food hungrily. "Is that for me?"

"Your mom said you were hungry and allowed to eat," Kono said. "So we brought lots of junk. We figured that's what you needed."

"I'll say. Thanks, guys." I sat up in bed eagerly. Then, with a strangled sob, Cassie launched herself at me and wrapped her arms tightly around my shoulders. I hugged her back, a little startled. I supposed it was different for them than it was for me. I barely remembered anything, it was like the past two weeks had never happened. My friends were the ones who felt it all.

"We thought you were going to die," Marco explained quietly. He set the food down on my side table. "We were like, after all that, after everything…"

"You've gotten really good at escaping death, though," Kono said, reaching around Cassie to give my hand a squeeze.

"_Too_ good," Cassie whispered in my ear, so that Marco and Kono couldn't hear. When she pulled away from me and wiped the tears from her eyes, she looked almost accusatory.

"I see your TV is off." Marco smirked. "Nothing on?"

"It's all about me," I grumbled.

"Well, it _is_ kind of a big deal. It's not often a 'savior of humanity' gets shot in the head and then two weeks after we start planning this huge international, inter_planetary_ funeral, she wakes up one hundred percent healthy. We were gonna get U2 to perform at the ceremony, you know."

"Gee, sorry for making you miss out on a U2 concert," I said, but I felt a chill run down my spine. They'd been ready to bury me. There was going to be a funeral.

"But like, for future reference because this was a big debate - would you rather be buried or cremated?"

Cassie and Kono both whacked him hard.

"_Marco!"_

"That is _not_ funny!" Kono scolded.

Marco winced, holding up his hands. "Sorry, sorry! You know how I get. Humor as a defense mechanism, okay?"

I kept my mouth shut. I hadn't even realized Marco was making a morbid joke. The word "cremated" had been right there at the tip of my tongue.

"Anyway," Cassie said, glaring at him as she unwrapped the food. "Jake wanted to come, but he got called back to the base in Hawaii last week. He's trying to fly back as soon as he can. And Tobias sends his regards, too. He's been here every day, but couldn't make it tonight."

"Really?"

"Of course he was," she said. "You saved his life!"

I guessed he wasn't as enthusiastic to see me now that I was awake.

"So...he didn't happen to explain what happened in the classroom with Heather, did he?" I asked, snatching my Whopper tearing into it.

Kono frowned. "He said he just figured out Heather was a fraud and she flipped out on you guys. Why, is there more?"

"I...guess not," I chewed thoughtfully. There were any number of reasons Tobias could have realized Heather was not herself. They were dating or whatever, after all. So why did it bother me that I couldn't recall the exact details of that encounter? "I just don't remember it all, I was hoping he could fill some holes."

Marco kept a straight face for three whole seconds.

"Heh. Fill some holes."

Cassie and Kono hit him again.

"Defense mechanism!"

"The big thing now is that the Initiative can morph. That's _huge,_" Kono said, shooting Marco a dirty look. "Everyone in government is paranoid. They're discussing new security checkpoints before entering major gatherings. They've negotiated with the Andalites to allow use of morph detectors. If they'd been morphing all this time, who knows how deep they've embedded themselves? How much they know?"

"It's like the yeerks all over again," I sighed. "We have no idea the scale of what's going on right now. This is gonna suck."

"That's why Jake had to leave so early," Marco said. "They're strengthening the morphing units of the military and they needed him for new trainees. He didn't even get to see Ax."

"Oh, my God!" I yelped. I had completely forgotten about Ax's homecoming. He had to have been here for a week already. "I missed the gala! Is Ax...!?"

"He's fine. He made it without no fanfare or anything. The gala was postponed," Marco said.

"_Postponed?!"_

"Well, it would have been in really poor taste if you had..." Kono trailed off. "...you know? So it was pushed off indefinitely. The resources went to planning your funeral."

"Well, that's kind of a shame, my dress for the gala was really nice." I grinned. "If I_ had_ died, I would've wanted to be cremated in that."

"Hah, cremated! Told you guys!" Marco declared.

"Duh, cremated. I don't want - "

Cassie and Kono glared at him, and me.

"Are the two of you insane!?" Kono scowled.

I hung my head. "Sorry. Never mind."

"Yeah, sorry," Marco echoed. "In all seriousness, the past two weeks have been hell. Between the Initiative investigations, your funeral stuff, and the arrival of the Andalites, it was like - you remember how it was when the war ended? Complete and utter madness?"

"Thank God for the Andalites, though," Kono said. "Thanks to their morph-detecting technology, we have a little bit of control here."

I shared a look with Cassie and Marco. The Andalites probably felt a little guilty about the Initiative somehow getting the power to morph. The last time their technology spread to a bunch of assholes, the Yeerks almost took over the galaxy. It was likely that they had even more advanced technology to give us, maybe something to halt morphing completely and not just detect, but the Andalites would always and forever be cautious about giving out their science. It was kind of a big deal they even shared their detectors.

"They're even installing special morph alarms at all your houses," Kono added. "If any non-Animorph tries to creep inside while morphed, it'll go off. They're having them installed at Blythe, too."

"_School!_" I realized. "Fuck, I wonder how I did on my exams? My lab practical? I've missed two weeks! I'm so behind, I'm never going to catch up. I was already hanging on by my fingernails, how am I going to - ?"

Marco snorted. "They had to scrape your brain off a Dora the Explorer rug, Rachel, I think they'll let the past two weeks slide."

"_Midterms_ are coming up!"

Kono patted my shoulder. "I'll help." After a pause, she added, "And I know Ben will want to, too."

I stared at her. "What?"

She looked sheepish. "He looked like a wreck at school, Rachel. I _had_ to give him updates, all he had been hearing was bad news in the media. He's been trying to visit you but they were strict about letting in visitors. They wouldn't let _me_ in until today. Plus, reporters have been trying to get at him hoping he has some inside scoop. It's been an absolute nightmare for him."

Ben. I hadn't even spoken a word to him since a week before I was shot. That meant for three weeks now he had been completely in the dark about me. Was he really that worried? And were they really harassing him trying to get news about me?

"Thanks," I said, not really sure what I was supposed to say.

"Relax," Cassie ordered firmly. I hadn't realized I'd frozen, staring off into space. She pushed more fries in front of me. "Eat."

I noticed she wasn't saying much, it was mostly Marco and Kono doing the chattering. That's why when Kono announced she had an early morning tomorrow and had to go, and Marco offered to drive her home, I suddenly felt abandoned. They left, and I was alone with Cassie.

"What's the matter?" I asked finally, as Cassie started to toss out our trash and brush the crumbs off my blankets. She acted like she was about to go too, but I knew she wouldn't leave without saying her peace.

"Nothing." She reached behind me to fluff one of my pillows, but I grabbed her wrist.

"Would you spit it out?"

She sighed and sat in the chair next to my bed.

"Okay, I'm gonna start off by saying that I'm so glad you're fine, Rachel. You have absolutely no idea how wrecked I would have been if you'd died."

"Um, okay? I mean, thanks, I guess?"

Cassie sighed, before taking my remote and switching my TV on. It didn't matter what channel it was, I already knew what was going to show up.

"_Rachel Berenson, 19, has woken from her coma a hero - "_

Cassie flipped to the next channel.

"_Rachel the Animorph, you cannot keep that girl down - "_

The next channel.

" _\- defying death's grasp yet again after an astounding display of quick-thinking and heroic selflessness for her friend, Tobias - "_

"Stop it," I cringed.

"_In an act of bravery most people will never witness in their lifetime, 19-year-old Rachel Berenson - "_

"Jesus, Cassie, would you just - ?" I grabbed the remote and shut the TV off.

"You're a hero again," Cassie said. "There are posters and signs and candles outside the hospital's main entrance for you. Every night there has been a crowd of people holding candle light vigils, praying for you to survive another night. They think you're brave, strong, selfless. America _loves _you right now."

I really didn't care about they thought. "So what do _you _think?"

Cassie bit her lip, looking sad. "Rachel, I think you're brave, strong, smart, and selfless. I do think you're a hero. But you can't even stand to watch people say good things about you. You can't even watch TV and see people celebrate that you're alive."

"So? Being humble is a bad thing?"

She shook her head. "Look, I know you and I know you've been struggling. You used to come home with blood on your morphing outfits - "

"What were you, looking through my laundry?!"

"You'd disappear into the woods and not come out for hours," Cassie pointed out. "I didn't say anything then because you always came back better. So...I just hoped you were doing better. And then you were. You made friends, you met Ben, you stopped escaping into morph, you were going to college, you smiled and laughed and everything seemed so good! But then you pushed Ben away, you pushed all of us away, and it was like you were going back in a downward spiral."

I glared at her. "I can't believe you looked through my_ laundry_."

"So I wondered, why do you keep doing this? Getting better, and then pulling away once you're too far in? It's like you're just_ looking _for trouble. I thought about the war, how reckless you were. That's all I thought it was - recklessness. And it was fine, someone had to be, you know? So I let that go too. Because honestly I was afraid, but also because it was what we needed."

"Okay, Cassie, I don't really know where you're going with all this, but - "

She silenced me with a finger. "But now, there are no excuses. You don't_ have_ to be that way. Bad stuff still happens to us, but that's not our responsibility anymore. We aren't the FBI. We aren't the cops. We aren't the military. Why are you still so reckless? Every time something happens, you literally just dive into the fray without a second thought. No plan, no back-up, you burst in like a one man army."

"I...had Marco that one time!"

"Not willingly!" Cassie accused. "Marco _had_ to go with you, he couldn't leave you alone! And two weeks ago, it was Tobias who had to chase you down. Rachel, you act like you don't have any options. Like you don't have any other resources, family or friends. And I don't know why."

"I don't know…" I said. "Maybe I'm just stupid. I've always been like that."

"You're not stupid," she said firmly. "But you're right, you've been this way for a long time."

"And what way would that be?" I asked irritably.

"Rachel, do you even care? If you lived or died, did you _ever_ care?"

My mouth fell open and no words came out. She nodded and put on her coat.

"Good night, Rachel."

She kissed me on the forehead and left, quietly closing my door behind her.

I flopped backwards in my bed and pushed all thoughts out of my mind until it was as blank and white as the ceiling I was staring at.

* * *

_That night, I had a dream..._

* * *

[You fought well, human.]

The polar bear-Controller raised its massive paw. I did nothing to stop him, didn't move, didn't plead, didn't even look at him. Instead, I searched for my friends in the viewscreen, where they had once been watching my lonely battle from the Pool ship. They were gone. I didn't know what happened, maybe the transmission was interrupted, maybe they couldn't stand to watch anymore. Either way, I was on my own. And even though I had stormed the Blade ship like a fucking Valkyrie, I suddenly didn't want to be alone. I still tasted Tom's blood in my mouth. My cousin.

I forgave my friends for leaving me here by myself, and I forgave Jake for sending me to my death, but I needed them to forgive me back. They weren't there, but I needed...

It didn't matter. This was it. The war was over, and I had been the one to finish it. I killed Tom and I disabled his Blade ship so there would be no escape. My friends had seized the Pool ship. The Andalites would come. We did it. I did it.

My reward was death. Alone. Did I really deserve any other?

The polar bear swung and I gasped my last breath.

Time stopped.

An old man, dressed in a simple grey-blue robes suddenly appeared in front of me, looking like a wise monk or something. He looked like a blend of Gandalf, Dumbledore, and Obi-Wan all mixed together into the most saintly sage of wisdom the universe had ever seen. He appeared humble and unassuming. Kind even, like someone I could trust wholeheartedly to protect and guide me.

But I knew this old man. He wasn't fooling me.

"_You,"_ I hissed.

"Yes," the Ellimist said simply. Almost sadly.

"Who the fuck are you?!" I demanded, trembling with rage. I wanted to hurt him. I wanted to strangle him. I wanted to cause him pain because this was all his fault. Everything that had ever happened to me and my friends, he did it. And now I was dead, I was alone, and I still didn't even know why. I didn't know what any of it was for. "Who the fuck are you to play games with us? You appear, you disappear, you use us. Who the _fuck _are you!? _What _the fuck are you!?"

"Rachel - "

"Do _not_ bullshit me!" I shouted. "Not now. Not after all this. Not after everything I've...I've _done_. I deserve an _answer!_"

"Yes," he said somberly. "You do. To this question, I will give all the answers I know. And when you know me, you will ask another question. And I will answer that question too. And then…"

I knew what happened then. He couldn't save me. It was the rules.

"Then get on with it, Ellimist, before I punch you."

He did. The Ellimist told me his story, all millions and billions of years of it, and I understood him. I related to him.

I pitied him.

"Now you know what I am. Who I am."

"Yeah…" This omnipotent god, this being that could twist and tear the fabric of time itself, had started out just like everyone else. A no one. "You were a kid, like me in some ways. A kid who got in way too deep and couldn't get back out."

"A kid," he agreed. But not entirely like me. Like him, I was a child that was thrust into a life I was never meant to even know about. Conflict, hardship, loss, and yes, glory, piled on our tiny shoulders until we emerged entirely different people. Unrecognizable from who we had once been.

But unlike him, I knew who was manipulating me. I knew that my life was nothing but a plan for someone else. I had no real power here.

"Was I just one of your game pieces?" I spat. I was still infuriated at him. I suddenly understood the universe in a way that most likely no other human ever would, and I was pissed about it. Even if it wasn't all his fault, my life was not my life because of the Ellimist and Crayak.

But his story had given me at least one thing to keep me sane - sympathy. And with sympathy, a form of acceptance.

More calmly, I asked again, "Were all six of us just game pieces?"

At that, he smiled. A sudden, out of place expression that startled me.

"No," he said. "Not you, Rachel. You were a happy accident."

"Gee, thanks," I said sarcastically. "How glad I am for you."

"Not for me." The Ellimist shook his head. "For your own kind. You just appeared one day, and to my surprise, followed your own path to this place. Your presence in this conflict was never pre-meditated, but always greatly appreciated. You were a happy accident, Rachel. An unwitting contribution from the human race to it's own survival."

I fell silent for a moment, letting that sink in. My purpose was never supposed to be here. But I was. This wasn't his fault, he hadn't put me here. I wasn't sure how high the cosmic hierarchy went, but my presence was the result of something above even the Ellimist. What could possibly be more powerful than the Ellimist?

The bond I had with my family, Jake, and the resulting friendship with Marco. The love I felt for Tobias, and his own family, Ax. And of course, my relationship with my best friend Cassie. That was what pulled me into the war, dragged me through it, and then brought me here, to this moment. Not the Ellimist, not whoever was above him. It was_ them._

And so, I forgave the Ellimist, just as I had already forgiven everyone else.

I needed to make sure of something, though.

"Just...just tell me this, Ellimist. Did it matter? In the end. My life - and my death - did it change anything? Did I matter?"

I saw Tom. I saw David. I saw the dark Mean Rachel that I had once been - that I still was. I saw Crayak, and the literal monster he'd turned me into. I wasn't supposed to be a part of any of this, but had I done any good?

The Ellimist was here. He didn't just come to anyone's death bed, right? Why bother, if I was just an insignificant speck in his grand scheme? I had to have done some good.

_Please._

"Yes. You were brave. You were strong. You were _good._"

My breath hitched at that last one.

"You _mattered._"

I just needed to hear it. The Ellimist knew that. He wouldn't have crossed the universe, rearranged the stars, commanded time itself, blah blah blah, he wouldn't have honored me like this if he didn't want to say that to me. If he didn't think I deserved it.

I was significant. I wasn't a speck. I wasn't alone.

And now, I felt forgiven.

"Yeah. Okay, then. Okay, then…"

For the first time in a very, very long time, I felt the warm glow of peace. A heavy weight was lifted from my chest and suddenly, ironically, I felt like I could breathe again. I felt happy. I felt accomplished. Even though I was leaving everything behind me, the rush of violence and rage, the sting or adrenaline through my veins, it was gone.

I could finally rest.

I felt like I should thank him, maybe, for his time. But I was immediately engulfed in darkness. I closed my eyes and waited, floating, for whatever was next. Something even the Ellimist in all his infinite wisdom didn't understand.

"..._oh," _someone said.

I opened one eye. The Ellimist was still standing there, in the black. I opened the other.

"Okay,_ now _what?"

He looked at me, amused. "It seems we are not quite done with you yet."

"Huh?"

The Ellimist placed his hand on my forehead. Slowly, I felt my memory of our conversation begin to fade. I was forgetting everything. The weight in my chest was returning. I felt the darkness tickling at the edges of my mind.

_No._

"Once again, Rachel, you cannot blame this on me. I had nothing to do with this, either."

"Nothing to do with what? What's going on?!"

"You have realized already what truly brought you here." He winked at me. "Well, they have come for you again. Farewell, Rachel. Until we meet again."

"What are you - what _happened?!_"

But he only laughed. He didn't understand, he'd never come this close to death. The Ellimist didn't get it. To have your life validated, to suddenly have meaning and be so close to peace and then…

I was already forgetting, everything I had learned was dripping out of my mind like it was full of holes. I felt anger, violence, and fear weighing down on me again. I struggled. The Ellimist didn't _understand._

He laughed obliviously. He laughed and laughed and the last thing I heard was his whisper.

"_Another happy accident."_

* * *

_**END BOOK ONE**_


	15. II - Reality Check

_**II.**_

* * *

**CHAPTER FIFTEEN - Reality Check**

* * *

I woke up in a cold sweat on the floor of my hospital room.

"Always has to be a production," I grumbled to myself as I staggered to my feet. "Can't just wake up like a normal person, can I?"

I had fallen out of bed and landed on my elbow, which now stung like hell. I glanced at the clock. It was two in the morning. My door was still closed and through the little window, I could see the lights at the nurses station had dimmed.

_The Ellimist._ Was he visiting me in my dreams now? Had it even been a dream?

A nurse poked her head in.

"Are you okay? I thought I heard something."

"I'm fine," I said grumpily. She was disturbing my concentration. The details of my Ellimist dream were already getting very fuzzy, as almost all of my dreams were after awakening.

"Are you sure? You're rubbing your elbow. Maybe some ice - "

"I'm_ fine,_" I hissed. She quickly disappeared.

Even as my dream became unclear, I still remembered that last mission as vividly as if it had happened yesterday. I had ravaged that Blade ship. It was the battle of my life, for everyone's lives. I had learned through eavesdropping that the Pool ship, where my friends were, had been drained of its energy weapons. My friends were defenseless, and could not fight the Blade ship. They could not stop it from escaping. And they definitely, _definitely_ could not save me.

So I fought. I fought and killed and tore living creatures apart. I destroyed every bit of alien machinery I could find. I tore tubes from the walls, ripped wires and fuel lines from panels. I grabbed a Dracon beam and completely obliterated control stations and everyone trying to operate them. It was a massacre. And even though my friends could see through the huge viewfinder, they saw the monster I was, well, I was dead anyway. So I let myself enjoy every single minute of it.

The murderous, demented waltz in my head stopped abruptly when I killed Tom. That's when it all caught up to me. When I looked up at the screen and my friends were gone. I felt the rage sludging in my veins, the darkness was like a fog. Everything slowed to a stop and I suddenly knew where I was, who I was, and what I had done.

And then a polar bear Controller almost killed me. The rest of it was a little bit of a blur. I remembered the polar bear's claw coming right at my jugular, and then the ship jolted, so severely that the Controller lost balance and missed the critical artery. It still landed a decent blow to my head, though apparently not fatal. I was knocked unconscious and banged around. Later, I would learn that my friends had taken control of the Pool ship they were on and, well...

They rammed the Blade Ship.

It was the only thing left that they could do, and that was why they weren't on the screen when I searched for them in what I thought were my last moments. It was Tobias's idea, he did a thing only a desperate person in love would do - crash two massive alien spaceships together. I had pretty effectively delayed the Blade ship's jump into Zero Space, but that collision made absolutely sure that it would never fly again. It also provided a much needed distraction for everyone to pile in and rescue me. Jake had found me in my human form crumpled against a wall. He's the one that eventually got me out.

But I didn't remember anything else. I didn't remember the Ellimist being there. At least, not until now. Maybe?

I definitely was not getting any more sleep.

My mother had left my laptop with me and I turned it on. The first thing I did was check my school email. School was safe and easy. Straightforward. I had four emails from my professors, all from just this afternoon. It seemed like as soon as news broke I was alive, they scrambled to the closest computer to grant me extra credit assignments, paper extensions and make-up exams. It was a nice enough gesture. I emailed them all back, thanking them for the chance to catch up and promising that I would take advantage of the the opportunity.

I took a peek at my exam grades from the week before I was shot. Passed with flying colors. Even if I didn't make up whatever papers or exams I missed during my coma, as long as I did equally as well in midterms and finals I could squeak a pass out of all my classes.

I clicked out of my email, feeling pleased with myself, and started to search my desktop for my Economics class syllabus. I vaguely remembered that midterm was the soonest, and needed to see how much material was going to be on it. My desktop was hopelessly cluttered with junk icons, a jumble of trash that magically appears on every computer I use. It used to give Marco a headache to look at my old laptop, and my browser with 8 different random toolbars taking up the screen. Bored, I mindlessly began deleting icons to make finding my syllabus easier. Cheap Games? Delete. Free Auto-Backup? Delete. Random picture of Usher shirtless? Well, I'd get back to it.

That was when I found the blank white icon, hidden amongst the garbage. Jake's contact information.

Jake, my cousin. Handsome, healthy, successful, happy Jake that had overcome his personal demons.

I sighed. Why not? It's not like my phone was overflowing with contacts or anything. I added his email to my address book, and his number to my phone with the other ten or so people I had in there. I signed into Skype and added his username there, as well. Yes, I wanted to add him as a contact. Sure, I would allow him to see if I was online. Okay, I wanted to add him to my notifications bar. Whatever.

To my surprise, as soon as his username popped up on my contact list, the circle next to it turned green. He was online. Almost immediately, a new window popped up.

_BballBoy85:_ are you there?

_RayBear23:_ seriously? "Bball Boy"? What are you, twelve?

_BballBoy85: _shut up.

_BballBoy85:_ Are you okay? How are you? I talked to your mom and Jordan earlier.

_RayBear23:_ im fine.

_BballBoy85:_ I'm gonna video chat you, hold on.

I cringed. I was in wrinkled pajamas and my hair was a mess and honestly, I hadn't mentally prepared for a real talk with Jake. While he was here I was rude and short with him. Nothing we had said to each other during his visit could be considered a proper conversation.

But Jake had seen me at my best and at my worst. His scholarly gymnast cousin and his war-crazed soldier. I imagined he had grieved with the rest of my friends when I was almost-dead. At this point, anything that had to be said between us could probably just be said. It also helped that he was all the way in Hawaii, and if I started getting too mad, I could fake a poor connection.

The green light next to the camera above my laptop screen flicked on. I turned on the light in my room, so he could see me. A new window popped up, showing my reflection in my camera and asking if I would like to accept a video chat from BballBoy85.

I accepted, and his face popped up on my screen. He looked like he was at home, in his apartment or something. I could see his unmade bed, and a Kobe Bryant poster behind him.

Jake grinned and ran a hand through his short hair sheepishly, the creases of his arm muscles visible through his t-shirt. Instinctively, I straightened out my own bedhead.

"It's so weird to see you looking like this," I frowned.

"Like what?"

"Like...I guess, like how you would have looked if the war hadn't happened and you grew up normally. The Army must be treating you nice."

Jake smirked. "You know I'm not actually in the Army, right? I'm a military instructor, I'm basically a teacher."

We both knew that wasn't true. Jake Berenson was regarded as one of the greatest generals in the history of humanity. He was a living legend to his students, all of whom were older than he was. A reluctant boy king, but a king nonetheless. As much as everything had changed, at least that had stayed the same.

"Whatever."

"You're...skinny."

I scowled. "Yeah, well they couldn't fit pizza through my feeding tube. Jeez, if you're just gonna bag on my figure maybe I shouldn't have added you to Skype."

"Rachel..."

This was stupid. Just seeing him like this, healthy, probably even happy, made me feel worse. Jake was supposed to be my maladjusted partner in all this. As awful as it sounded, he was supposed to be the rock-bottom that I never reached. But if this big, handsome, tanned surfer dude was rock-bottom, where was I?

"Why are you even awake?" I demanded.

"It's midnight here in Hawaii. That means it's two in the morning there. Why are_ you_ up?"

I rolled my eyes. "Because getting shot in the head put a lot on my mind. Look, I'll leave you to whatever you were doing - "

"No, wait!" Jake stopped me. "I've been meaning to call you. For a while now, actually, before I even came for the press conference and Ax's homecoming. I just didn't think you wanted me to. Plus you've always seemed busy, working with Cassie, going to school, all that stuff..."

"You still could have just called me. Why didn't you?"

He shrugged. "Because I was a hot mess and I didn't think you wanted to speak to me. You know, for obvious reasons."

_Obvious reasons._

"Jake, shut up. Look at you. You're not a mess. _I'm _the hot mess of the family. Look at me."

He snorted. "Please. You've been unconscious in a hospital bed for two weeks and you still manage to pull the look off."

I brushed off the compliment. "Look, before this talk happens, because I know this talk is finally gonna happen, how much has Marco told you about me? Or Cassie, since you guys are like the picture-perfect ex-couple and I know you guys have been keeping in touch too."

Jake sighed. "He told me he thinks you're having more trouble than you're letting on. Dealing with life, I mean. He suspected you were doing the drugs thing, like I was, which is one of the reasons I wanted to call you. But the way you've been acting, well, I couldn't have accomplished a quarter of what you've done when I was, uh, you know?"

"But we've long established Marco was a dumb-ass, so."

"_So_ he kind of figured you were just feeling left out. Like you haven't found you're 'groove' yet and felt like everyone else had. Even Tobias, but you don't want to talk or think about Tobias."

Okay, maybe Marco wasn't as dumb as I thought.

"He's...not completely wrong." I relented. "Okay, yeah, I don't feel quite right in this world. I thought you felt the same, but you seem to be doing well."

"I'm a recovering addict, and you think I'm _well?_" Jake demanded, suddenly angry. "This was years of rehab and mental torture and enough therapy sessions to - "

"Okay!" I interrupted. I had struck a nerve, and that was stupid and insensitive of me. "I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I guess I just expected that when I saw you, you would look more like...me."

"Depressed?"

"Gee, thanks again."

"Rachel, my life being halfway decent doesn't mean I'm completely happy right now. I still have nightmares. I only recently started morphing again, and I'm a goddamn _morphing teacher_. I struggle through every day, just like you."

It didn't look like it. Either Jake was lying, or he'd just gotten better at hiding it.

"What you're seeing is three years of hard work and tiny personal victories and stuff."

"I'm happy for you." I said sincerely. Or at least, I would learn to be. Maybe I was an awful person to feel jealous like this, but Jake had done just as many awful things as I did. He deserved to be as miserable as I was, and he'd somehow escaped that fate. I didn't think it was fair. Yes, I was the worst.

"You...you're a lot stronger than I thought," I struggled to say something at least a little nice, and sound convincing. "And I already thought you were the strongest person I knew. You're doing good things with your life. It's great."

Jake frowned. "You don't think you're doing the same with your life?"

I shrugged. "Honestly, I don't know what I'm doing with mine. College is... I don't know where it's going. I used to."

"Back when we were at war."

"Well, yeah. But now… I feel like it's just a surprise that I have a life to do something with in the first place."

"Yeah."

"And now everyones doing something and I'm, like, I shouldn't be here. I wonder what it would have been like if I didn't make it. Like, would you and Cassie still be together? Maybe if I weren't stomping around like some constant reminder - "

"Rachel, no."

I didn't_ want_ to go here, to this place, but it was inevitable. Jake and I had never talked about this. Not once. Since the war, we had gotten distant for many reasons on his side and mine, but this was the biggest canyon between us. His final order.

" - maybe you wouldn't have been so depressed and guilty, having to look me in the eye. Maybe you wouldn't have become a junkie. Maybe you and Cassie would have been happy. Maybe your life would have been better if I was just something from the past. Something you were allowed to forget."

Jake set his jaw, like he used to do when he was angry.

"Rachel, I gave the order to basically_ kill_ you. Cassie could never love someone that could sacrifice his own family. You or Tom," Jake said. "Our relationship ending, that's on me. Completely. But the only reason any of us are doing as well as we are right now is because you _didn't_ die. Cassie would have been devastated. Your mom, your sisters, Tobias - he would have been entirely ruined. No good would have come of you dying. Do you understand that?"

"I'm not so sure."

"What _I'm_ not so sure about is, now, why you keep saying that? Acting like you don't belong here and this isn't your world. Like you should have _died?_ What is wrong with you?"

I fell silent.

"You belong here. You deserve this, just like I do. But I know what you're feeling, because I went through that too. I know now why I felt that way, I had a _lot _to answer for," Jake admitted. "It's not like you sent anyone off on a suicide mission to kill your own brother. You didn't flush all those yeerks into space. I mean, you killed, but we all did. You did what you had to do, but you never crossed the lines that I did."

His voice cracked only slightly, and he did look away as he spoke, but he was calm. He was collected, talking about his unspeakable sins like it was nothing. Jake's therapist must have been some kind of wizard.

I shrugged. "I'm still young."

"Rachel, I'm serious. I've been thinking about our conversation over and over for years. That last one we had before I sent you off to the Blade Ship." Jake took a deep breath and continued. "I've known you my whole life, but I think that was when I really knew who you were. I figured it out then, but was too busy to let it sink in. When I told you to go with Tom, when I sent you to death, you didn't argue."

I didn't argue this time, either. He was right.

"You said you'll go, you agreed to keep it a secret, you agreed to march off to death knowing there was no plan to save you. You didn't even hesitate, except to remind me that Tom was my brother, and then to tell me not to blame myself. Like_ those_ were the reasons we shouldn't have done it. Like_ those_ were the things that mattered, like_ your life_ wasn't even a factor."

I already knew what he was getting it, what he had figured out. What Cassie had accused me of earlier. They couldn't both be wrong.

"You didn't think about yourself for one second, Rachel. Not a second. Only about me, and Tom, and Cassie, and... I thought you were so brave. You were so brave to save the world and die trying. And you are still the bravest person I will ever meet in my life. But you _wanted _to die, didn't you? You saw we might actually win the whole damn thing, and you didn't want to make it out alive."

I felt a lump in my throat. Outside, I saw a nurse preparing to come in and take my vital signs again.

"Jake, wait."

"No, I - "

"No, wait, a nurse is coming."

I pushed away the tray table that had my laptop and turned the screen away so the nurse wouldn't see who I was talking to. She came in, all smiles.

"Sorry, Ms. Berenson. One more set, and I'll leave you alone until after breakfast, I promise."

I held out my arm and she expertly wrapped the cuff around it. She stuck the finger thing back on my finger and a thermometer in my ear.

"Huh. Your blood pressure is kind of high. So is your pulse. Are you feeling okay?"

"I'm fine."

"Still, I should tell the doctor..."

"No," I said, forcefully. "Just check it again later, okay?"

"At least let me see your - "

"Look, you've all been really nice to me this whole time and I think you're great, but if you don't get out of here..."

The nurse stepped back. "Okay. Okay, I'll come back later."

She hurried off, no doubt to tell the other nurses. That was the second time I'd kicked a nurse out in less than an hour. By the next day I was sure there would be a full blown rumor making rounds in the tabloids that I punched a one of them in the teeth or something. I'd have to apologize later. In the mean time, I pulled my laptop and Jake back to me.

"Back."

"She was only doing her job," he said distastefully.

"No one ever believes that we're okay after morphing, it's so dumb. Like, we're the experts here, leave me alone!"

He sighed. "Rachel, I'm coming to accept all my faults. That's why I'm getting better and moving on. That's why I'm in better shape. I know I was a monster to ask you to sacrifice your life. I know I was a monster for making you kill my brother. For killing seventeen thousand sentient beings in cold blood. And I know, if it ever came down to saving the world, I will be the monster again if I have to. That's just who I am, and I'm okay with it now. The part time monster, part time decent guy."

Jake looked at me expectantly. When I didn't have any comment, he prompted, "So, who do you think you are?"

I didn't even have to think about it. I knew who I was before. Xena: Warrior Princess. But now?

"Nothing."

Jake's mouth pressed into a thin line, but his eyes said it all. He expected this answer. I could see him sit back in his chair. He looked ill. But also, I could tell that he was even just the slightest bit relieved. He needed to hear that. He needed that tiny shred of guilt peeled from his soul. Yes, he had been a monster. But no, he didn't force me to do anything. It wasn't even that he gave an order I was hesitant about, but too loyal and brave to question. I didn't just want to save the planet.

"I_ wanted_ to die," I said finally, louder, and stronger. A huge weight lifted from my chest. "I was thirteen when we started this war, and even then, I knew inside, I wouldn't survive. I was just thirteen years old and I knew I was in too deep. I knew this was my life, and this is why I was born. To fight there and die there. To die_ there._"

Jake didn't say anything. He was giving me my turn, and I was taking it.

"I killed Tom and I felt sick, Jake. I was scared. I was scared of what my family would think. I knew they were getting afraid of what I'd become. My sisters would know I killed their big cousin. My own mother was afraid of me, she called me out on it, remember? They knew I killed a lot of people."

"We're the same," Jake cut in. "We become who we have to be, when we have to be it. Backs up against the wall, we fight, we do deplorable things, but what choice did we have? We change into the person we have to be."

He didn't get it. To him, it was like a switch. Be that ruthless commander, then with the flick of a finger, be a regular guy again. I guess that's what his therapy had taught him. Being an Animorph wasn't just physically changing form. There was an internal change. Jake thought you could separate the two inside you, so you could actually live with yourself.

Unfortunately, I'd done that before, literally, thanks to the bizarre physiology of a starfish. And it was literally a disaster.

"I'm not like you. I hadn't just _changed_," I said. "I never stopped being Rachel. I had become_ more_ Rachel. This was who I was meant to be. The crazy warrior who did what had to be done. The girl you turned to when no one else could have it on their conscience. It's all I am. I was needed. I was useful."

"You were," Jake said quietly. "You_ are._"

"That last moment, before you found me, you know what I was thinking? Would it hurt? Where would I go? What happens to my soul now, did I even have a soul anymore?"

"Rachel..."

"But you know what scared me the most? It was the fact that those three years of war were the happiest years of my life. What scared me the most was that I knew it would end, and what then? What else did I have in my life, if not fighting Yeerks? The rage and bloodshed of warfare, that was me. That was my LIFE. None of this adult business that Marco and Cassie got into, not even your military rules and codes. I didn't belong in that forest with Tobias or the Hork-Bajir either, I wasn't going to live the rest of my life as an eagle. Jake, I am nothing. I have nothing. _This is what's wrong with me._"

It was the biggest confession I ever made in my life. Ironically, despite basically admitting I want to die, I was starting to feel better.

"So yeah, Jake. I think I should be dead right now. I shouldn't be here. I wanted to die a hero. I wanted it to end_ there._ I don't blame you for sending me to my death, I blame you for_ rescuing me_."

Jake just looked at me, his expression unreadable. It seemed like full minutes were passing by where we just sat there, looking at each other silently.

"Then I'm sorry."

"What?"

"I'm sorry I didn't give you what you want," Jake repeated. "Look, I'm not Cassie or a therapist, I'm not going to tell you how you feel. But I can tell you how_ I_ feel. I love you, Rachel, even though you were always super-annoying and crazy. I love your reckless, stupid ass. And you and I both know I'm not the only one who cares about you. So basically, fuck your feelings._ I'm_ glad you're here right now._ I_ want you to be alive."

I wasn't expecting that. My mouth opened and closed wordlessly.

"That's right. You shut up, because if what you want is to be dead then I give absolutely zero fucks about what you want. Stop trying to find a way out of this life and just_ live it_. Just_ do it_. I'm here to help. Cassie's here. Everyone's here and we all literally owe you our lives so let us fucking help you."

I pursed my lips. "I don't think this is the best way to talk someone off a cliff."

"Fuck your cliff."

I felt a ghost of a smile tugging at my lips. "I feel like you shouldn't be cussing this much."

"Fuck your feelings."

"Fuck my feelings, huh?"

"Yeah. Fuck you and your feelings and what you want. Fuck all of it."

"You're an asshole."

"Yeah, yeah."

"Dick."

"Uh-huh."

For some reason, we were both grinning. Broken and tired and grinning.

"We both are really messed up in the head, aren't we?" I sighed.

"At least we have each other."

"Don't cling to that," I snorted. "We've just established I'm suicidal."

"Maybe," Jake said bluntly. He shrugged. "But there's a reason you've been virtually un-killable all this time, Rachel. I have an idea why that is, and some day I hope you figure it out too. Because when you do you'll realize that no matter how it ends up happening, when or where or how, you're gonna be dying a hero."

I let a few beats of meaningful silence pass before I said, "Jesus Christ, Jake, that was deep. Are you on drugs again?"

He let loose a loud, bellowing laugh.

Suddenly, I heard a different kind of laughter in my head. It echoed, loud and long, like someone laughing at me through a tunnel.

_Another happy accident._

"Uh, Rachel? Rach, hello? You okay?"

"What?"

"You kind of spaced out on me there," Jake said worriedly.

"Yeah...Jake, tell me. You were the one that found me on the Blade Ship. Everyone said I was in and out of consciousness, mumbling nonsense when you carried me to them, but when you found me, what was I saying?"

He frowned. "Why?"

"I just want to know."

I could see him shifting in his seat, uncomfortably. "It was just dazed babbling. You weren't making any sense."

"Jake, did I mention the Ellimist?"

He stopped squirming. "Why?"

"_Jake."_

"All right, fine. You did say something about the Ellimist. I didn't really understand any of it, something about an accident? But mostly… mostly you were begging me to help you."

"Help me?"

"You kept saying it was all coming back. Pain and guilt or whatever? You said it was rushing back, like, crushing you. I had no idea what you were talking about. It was hurting you, whatever it was," Jake said sadly. I could see why he didn't want to talk about it. The thought of me begging and pleading wasn't easy for me to stomach either. "I didn't know how to help. Like, I didn't know what to say. Except…"

"Except what?"

He sighed. "I forgave you. You kept saying sorry, so I held you and I forgave you like a thousand times until you fell back asleep."

I just looked at him. My big cousin Jake. We were never the closest, like back then I never would have put my arm around him and tell people he was like my brother. He was just Cousin Jake, more like a mandatory friend that was a pretty good guy so I didn't mind him being basically a requirement in my life.

Then the war happened, and we were pushed together and pulled apart so roughly that our relationship was as shaky as a strand of taffy. He was my leader, my brother, my friend, my rival, my pain in the ass. He challenged me, he pushed me, he _used_ me.

He saved me. He held me to his chest as I wept gibberish at him until I passed out from exhaustion. And he forgave me. I remembered it now. He'd carried me in the escape pod alone, so the others wouldn't see me. So Tobias wouldn't hear me carrying on. Jake shielded me from everyone and let me be crazy. I pushed him, I tried to get away, I scratched him, I hit him. And even as I finally started to drift off, I could still hear him whispering in my ear.

_I forgive you. I forgive you. I forgive you. Rachel… I'm sorry... I'm sorry..._

When I looked at Jake, he looked anxious.

"Rach…?"

"Oh, God, Jake," I said, shaking my head. I couldn't believe it. He'd said it to me so many times, even after I was asleep. He had repeated it over and over as he clung to my shivering body in that escape pod. All these years, I'd never said it back.

"Jake, I forgive you, too."


	16. II - Tobias

_**II.**_

* * *

**CHAPTER SIXTEEN - Tobias**

* * *

"Rachel?"

Rather than get up from my comfortable spot, on my bed with my laptop on my belly and a bowl of popcorn resting next to me, I just yelled back.

"Come in, mom!"

She did, taking in my lazy appearance.

"Your sheets are going to smell like butter."

"Yum."

"Are you going to be home for dinner tonight?"

"Do I have a choice?" I replied, more bitingly than I intended. At her expression, I amended my answer. "I mean, yeah. Of course."

My mother had taken me home from the hospital two days ago and was still too afraid to let me walk out the front door, much less go back to the house with Cassie. I understood all she really wanted was to have me close. She just wanted my company, almost losing a daughter probably did that to all moms. But I had to pick up the pieces of my life and go back to school on Monday. I couldn't do that in my childhood home with my mom doting on me and my sisters butting into all my business. And I knew they could only stand the media circus my presence caused around the neighborhood for so long.

"Okay, Rachel. I'm sorry for keeping you prisoner - "

"I don't feel like a prisoner," I said apologetically, pushing my laptop aside and sitting up so she had room. My mom sat next to me and sighed.

"Yes, you do. I know, because I would too. You can leave whenever you want. I don't want to hold you back from anything."

Now I felt really guilty. The two of us had only recently started to get along like a real family should.

"Aw, mom."

"You writing a paper?"

I nodded. "American Lit. It's my makeup paper. I just finished it and I'm gonna send it to Kono for proofreading. I used to think I could speak English, but when she sends my papers back it's like the original draft was in _Galard_."

"You always did so well in English class!" my mom said, surprised. I raised an eyebrow and she looked at me guiltily. "I mean, I thought you did, right? I never got any calls from your teachers or anything. Um, did I?"

"I did fine, I guess."

"You loved going to the library really late," she recalled. "You were always reading there…"

She trailed off and thought for a moment. "Those nights you came home at midnight telling me you'd been studying at the library with Cassie?"

"Uh, nope. Animorph stuff."

"All those times!?"

"Mom, it's a library. Those close at like, five."

My mom fell back on my bed and groaned. "I am literally _the worst mother_."

I smiled softly at her. "Not that great a lawyer either, if you believed half the crap I made up."

She laughed. "Anyway, I'm glad you at least had someone watching your back. And now, I'm glad you have Kono. How about your other classes? Did you do any makeup work for Calculus?"

My eyes narrowed. She was admittedly much more involved in my life drama now than she was when I was a kid, but I knew what she was _really_ asking, and she was officially toeing the Mom Line.

"No."

"Why not?"

"Because you're trying to steer this conversation to Ben and being totally obvious about it?"

She smirked a very familiar smirk. Both Jordan and I had inherited it from her.

"Is that so wrong? Don't look so shocked, I'm just as nosey with Jordan and her crushes. And I'll do the same with Sara once she starts."

"He isn't a _crush." _I scowled.

"Okay, well, how is he? Have you spoken to him at all since you got out of the hospital?"

If I didn't know better, I'd think my mom had been scheming with Cassie. But she and I had made a pact a long time ago - never talk with each other's parents about guys. It meant a little more when we had to live as refugees in the woods and Cassie was dating my cousin while I was seeing a bird, but I figured it was an unspoken agreement that the pact would continue after the war.

I shook my head grumpily. She my hair behind my ear and gently pulling my chin so that I faced her. I hadn't even realized I was avoiding her gaze.

"This is really not any of your business," I said sourly. "What's going on, have you been talking to Cassie?"

"Oh, please," she snorted deprecatingly, another quirk I had gotten from her. "As if I could. That girl is unbreakable when it comes to you. I wouldn't even try, and I'm a _lawyer._"

I made a face. My mother mimicked it right back to me.

"Does your avoiding Ben have anything to do with the fact that Tobias was at your bedside every single day for the past two weeks but I haven't seen him once since you woke up?"

I glared at her.

"_Hah_. I knew it. Tell me I'm a bad mom _now,_" she boasted. "Rachel, you have gone through far worse things in your life than having two boys interested in you."

"It's a little more complicated than that," I said dryly. It was_ infinitely_ more complicated than that.

My mom looked at me thoughtfully. "You know, your father and I - "

"You mean the one that you divorced and no longer speak to?" I reminded her bluntly.

"The very same," she replied, unphased. "Believe it or not, we were head over heels for each other once. He was my first college boyfriend. We married right after graduation and had you not long after, while I was still in law school and your father was getting his masters. It wasn't ideal or planned, more of an oopsie, really - "

"E-Excuse me?!"

"But you were such a cute, happy little accident."

_"Ugh."_

"Hush, Rachel, I have a point. It was hard on us, being young parents working and studying full time. I swear to God, we both cried with you, we had no energy and no idea how we were going to pull it off - school, work, you..."

I scratched at my head. "This, uh, this is not the best story ever."

"The point is, we thought it was impossible. But it's not. Nothing ever is if you just grin and bear it. We'd power through each day, both of us graduating magna cum laude and somehow finally getting you potty-trained, God, you were already three years old and you still refused - "

"_Mom!"_

"We just had to keep our enthusiasm up, keep saying,_ 'Let's do it. Let's do it. Let's do it._' It worked."

Well, this was certainly explaining a lot.

"And when it stopped working, yes, we got a divorce. Yes, we drastically changed our lives, fell out of love, made things very difficult for you and your sisters and everyone," my mom said, still no regret in her voice. "But it worked. Things could have been better, but nothing in this world is perfect. You do the best with what you've got, Rachel."

I nodded slowly.

"You're our daughter. You get that from both of us. In impossible situation, you just dive in - "

"That hasn't always been my greatest quality - "

" - and if things don't work out you _make it _work out, no matter what._ That's _your greatest quality, Rachel. Your biggest strength. People can twist that however they want and make it seem like a bad thing, an awful thing. Maybe it gets you in trouble, maybe it scares you sometimes, but it doesn't have to be like that. You just _do it,_ and you _make it work_. That's who you are."

I stared at her. For mostly absentee parents, they really did seem to pass down a lot of things to me.

"Although, I should add, it helps to not be stupid about it."

"Ha-ha. So what should I do?"

She shrugged. "Hell if I know. This is only my problem if either of those boys hurt you."

"Oh, very helpful," I snorted.

"Like I said, you'll work it out. It won't be easy, and you might have to do things you don't want to, but you will." She grinned and got up, pulling me to my feet. "Come on. Let's load up your car so you can get out of here. I'm sending you back with a bundt cake I got at Martha's bakery. You have to share with Cassie though, or you'll make yourself sick like last time - "

"I...I think I'll go tomorrow."

Mom's eyebrows shot up. "What?"

"I mean, I don't want to go yet," I said, grinning softly. "I'll go back tomorrow. After dinner."

She smiled back at me.

"Oh, thank God. We weren't ready to go back to _my_ cooking."

* * *

After my mom left, I sent my paper to Kono, fairly confident that I wouldn't get it back with comments like "What the hell is this?!".

Just as I was about to sign out, I was startled by a new email notification.

_Benjamin Wen._

I looked around my room, paranoid that somehow, some way, my mom had something to do with this. The timing was uncanny, and she _had _amazingly developed some mom superpowers over the last few years.

Ben. I did miss him. His smile, his laugh, his nerdiness. The kiss, even though it had only been the one time. The way he just understood me, and never had to ask. I wanted to see him again, I really did. But my mouse hovered over the email and I couldn't bring myself to click it.

Not yet. If I was going to deal with this whole Ben thing, I had to deal with the Tobias thing.

"All right," I said, checking myself in the mirror. I could see what Jake said about my being skinny. I looked tired, despite having done nothing but lie in a bed for two weeks. But I never had to look like anything for Tobias and I wasn't going to start now. _"Let's do it."_

I put on my coat and comfortable hiking boots. I had a backpack full of food, a blanket, and my Economics textbook. I was going into the woods, and I didn't know how long I'd be there. My eagle couldn't carry all my stuff, so I had to take the long, human way. After about forty-five minutes of driving, I parked my car at the side of the road, heaved my backpack over my shoulders and started to walk to Tobias's new territory.

It wasn't hard to find the clearing. Cassie had given me directions months ago, back when she was determined to get Tobias and I back together. As far as I knew, Tobias hadn't moved since then. I spread the blanket over the soft grass at the middle of the clearing and dumped the rest of the contents of my backpack out.

I made myself comfortable. It wouldn't take long for Tobias to find me, an intruder in his meadow, but in the meantime I had to study. Midterms were breathing down my neck.

Sure enough, less than half an hour later, I saw a small shadow pass over me. I flipped over from my stomach and peered up at the sky, trying to shield my eyes from the sun. In retrospect, sunglasses probably would have been a good idea.

[Rachel? What are you doing here?]

"I – Tobias, you're gonna have to get down here. It's too bright for me to look up and I refuse to yell at you in a tree."

[Did you hike here? Why didn't you fly? You would have gotten here in half the time and found me even faster.]

"I thought it was a nice day for a picnic. And I wouldn't have been able to carry all this as an eagle," I shouted up at him. It was also a nice day for a face-to-face conversation. There would be no hiding behind the expressionless hawk gaze today.

The shadow swooped past again and five minutes later, Tobias emerged from the edge of the tree line, shivering in his bike shorts. Despite the bright sun, it was relatively brisk, and there was a significant breeze in the meadow. I was prepared, tossing him a hoodie I had stolen from Marco's place some time ago.

"Thanks," he said, pulling it on. To my surprise, it was small on him. Well, it wasn't _that _surprising, given it was Marco's, but Tobias had always been rail thin. I expected it to be short, maybe, but not tight. I cocked my head. He _did _seem bigger.

Long ago we had noticed that his human morph was aging just like our normal human bodies were. It was strange, because it wasn't like my grizzly or eagle were any older when I morphed them. Ax had no explanation for us either, other than perhaps it was some complication as a result of the Ellimist's meddling. The changes had been gradual, barely noticeable when Tobias and I were seeing each other. But after nearly a year of not seeing him all the time in this form, the differences were glaring. His bigger shoulders, the veins that popped from his arms, the wispy hairs on his chest. He wasn't a boy of thirteen, which was the morph the Ellimist let him acquire. He was a man nearing twenty.

"Sit," I found myself saying. I felt my face grow hot, but maintained eye contact. This was Tobias, for God's sake.

"Okay..." he said. He sat at the other end of my blanket and absently started to pull up blades of grass. Anyone else would have thought he was nervous, but I knew he was no longer used to having hands. Tobias didn't go human much unless I was there, and I hadn't been. It was like when Ax went nuts over his sense of taste. When Tobias went human, he suddenly had fingers. Naturally, he went a little overboard using his now unfamiliar sense of touch.

I couldn't help but remember how we both used to enjoy his touching. Being out here in the woods with him, it felt so natural, wanting to be close to him. The four foot distance across the blanket felt like miles.

"Are you okay?" he asked finally.

"Yeah, of course," I said. "It's just, everyone told me you came to visit me a lot while I was in the hospital. Then after that I was so swamped in late schoolwork and stuff, I never got to thank you for it."

"_You_ wanted to thank_ me?_" Tobias smirked, rolling the strings from his hood between his fingers. "You saved my life. Took three bullets for me and almost died. I think for a while legally, you_ were_ dead."

"It's nothing you wouldn't have done for me. You _have_ done it for me."

"Yeah, but I guess I thought those days were behind us," he shrugged.

I shrugged back and we just sat there across from each other, silent.

"I brought a bundt cake," I said finally, opening the box for him. "And sandwiches."

"Oh...thank you," Tobias said awkwardly. "You really didn't need to."

"Come on, I remember how you are around cake. You go almost full-on Ax-mode."

He smiled hesitantly and obliged, cutting out a tiny piece for himself.

"What's the matter, did you already fill up on mouse before I showed up?" I joked, and then instantly regretted it. I wasn't sure we were at the point where I could joke about him being a hawk anymore. It felt like I had relinquished those rights when I broke up with him, like only a girlfriend could make that joke. "I'm sorry."

"What for?" Tobias asked. He took a bite and closed his eyes. "Oh, my God. Stand back. Ax-mode initiated. This is - Rachel? What? What's wrong?"

I had winced at his expression. It reminded me of our last picnic, the one we had broken up at. The fight had started with something like this. He'd been enjoying this exact dessert, a bundt from Martha's, and I made a snide remark about him being able to eat all the time if he really wanted. It all snowballed from there.

"Rachel?"

I raked my hand through my hair, impatient with myself.

"Ugh, I don't know. I just…"

Tobias looked at me and I could practically here the click in his brain when he realized. He put his cake down somberly.

"Oh. Right. I remember."

"Man, I can't even eat cake without thinking about it!" I groaned. "What is wrong with me?"

Tobias frowned. "Do you...still wish I chose to be human with you?"

"No," I realized. I didn't. I was finally past that. "I mean, not anymore, not really. I want you to be happy, and if this is what it takes, it's what I want for you. I'm...I'm done being angry with you."

"I'm glad," Tobias said, his hands now shoved into the hoodie's pocket. I could see his fingers fiddling with themselves in there.

"I'm trying to move on now."

"From what I've heard, you already have," Tobias said. There was a scathing tone to his remark, and he sensed it too. "Okay, now I'm an asshole. Sorry."

I took the hit, surprisingly not mad. "You're not an asshole. And I didn't mean from you, I meant from the war and these past three years."

"Oh...that's great," he said weakly.

"If I wanted to leave you behind, I wouldn't be here," I pointed out.

"Right..."

I filled the next uncomfortable silence by unwrapping the sandwiches and setting them out between us. Tobias stopped fidgeting long enough to take one.

"So tell me about Ben," Tobias prompted suddenly. I stared at him, but he insisted. "Sorry, I've just been curious for a while now. I'm not, I mean, I'm okay with it if you like him. I promise. He seems like a good guy, I just want to know if he's...you know. Good enough for you. I do still care about that."

Against my better judgement, I answered him. "We aren't officially dating or anything. We're just friends. At least, I hope we still are."

Tobias raised an eyebrow, but I plowed on before he could ask.

"I tried to break it off with him before the press conference. I felt like I wasn't good for him, you know? He hates the spotlight as much as I do. Not to mention he could have died because of me. Being with an Animorph is trouble, so I haven't even spoken to him in weeks," I sighed. "He sent me an email this morning, but I haven't read it. I'm not sure what it will say."

"If he's even half the guy you deserve, he would never give up on you." Tobias had picked up my textbook and starting flipping the pages, keeping his eyes lowered, away from me. "You know him better than I do, but from what I've seen, I get the feeling he could be that guy. It seems to me that you're not so much unsure of what he has to say, but of what _you're_ going to say back."

It was true. I knew Ben didn't want to give up on me. And as foolish as that was, chasing after a broken girl that had nothing to offer him but a loss of privacy and a history of violence and emotional problems, a selfish part of me still wanted him too. Ben was throwing the ball in my court and it was entirely up to me where this all went.

Historically, things left entirely up to me rarely went well.

I couldn't do that to Ben. I couldn't give him that life, especially since I was so unwilling to live it myself. Maybe Tobias believed I deserved good things, but I knew that Ben deserved better. A nice, smart girl that liked to eat garbage and play video games. Someone that he could be with in public and not have swarms of paparazzi follow them, someone who didn't get him into life and death situations.

"I don't think I should be with him," I said.

Tobias frowned into the book. "That doesn't mean you don't _want _to be with him."

"It's not about me, or what I want."

"Believe me, I know the feeling."

What did he mean by that? I reached out and snatched my book back. He glanced up at me and I was startled to see the sadness there in his eyes.

"I'm sorry. We shouldn't talk about Ben. Not when your...not when Heather is still..." I realized. Oh, god. I was horrified. I was an _asshole_. Heather had been missing in action for weeks now and I hadn't even asked Tobias how he was feeling. "No news yet?"

"No. Nothing."

Silence hung between us yet again. What could I say? It had been weeks, and the more time went by, the less hopeful it was.

"I wish I could help you," I said truthfully. "I wish I could help her. If there was anything I could do…"

"I know," Tobias sighed. "I know. You would do anything. I've noticed. Thank you."

At some point during our conversation we had gotten closer on the blanket, sitting cross-legged with just the box of food and my textbook between us. Somehow, this made things a lot less awkward. I reached out and touched his hand. He jumped, startled by the contact and I pulled back quickly. That was dumb. I wasn't sure if he was okay with touching anymore.

"Look, I came to see you because...I don't know what going on in my life, but it was always easier with you around. I also want to be here for you. I want to be friends again."

He looked at me with an unreadable expression. Then, he started to laugh. The sound echoed through the meadow loudly, almost scarily. Small birds flew from the trees, startled by the sound.

"You want to be here for me?" Tobias managed to bark out between peals of laughter. "You want to be _friends?_"

My eyes narrowed. "Well, now I'm starting to reconsider, but - "

"Rachel, we can never be friends," he said, still chuckling. "I love you."

It was like being struck by lightning.

I gaped at him in disbelief, not even noticing the seconds tick by as my entire body went numb. Eventually, I found the part of my brain that made sounds.

"You...you…_what?!_"

"I love you. Too much." He stood up, his voice hollow, like the crazed laughter had left him empty. "And I can't have you. So I can't do it. I'm sorry. We can't be friends."

"Wait, Tobias - " I reached out for his hand again but he moved away.

"I can't," he sighed. "For me, it has to be all or nothing, nothing in between. Us together, or us completely apart. I think I can live without you in my life, Rachel. But it needs to be a clean break."

"But_ why?_" I demanded, not comprehending any of this. All thoughts I had in my head were popping like soap bubbles. This was not at all how I had pictured this afternoon going. We had mutually broken up a whole year ago and led separate lives since then. I was trying to bring us back together as friends, yet it felt like I was breaking up with him all over again.

"If you have to ask, then I guess...I guess you'll be fine without me." He turned his back to me. "Be happy and be well, Rach, that's all I want from you."

He started to walk away, but I jumped up and grabbed him arm.

"Wait, don't leave! You can't just..." I forced him to turn around. "You can't just say that and then leave. How can you be – you're with _Heather!_"

"I'm not with Heather," Tobias said. "Not really. I mean, she's great, but she's...she's not you. I couldn't love her even if I tried. Not when I'm in love with someone else."

"Stop it!" I cried, letting him go. "Stop it. Stop saying that!"

"Saying what? That I love you?"

"Fuck, Tobias, why are you doing this?" I squeezed my eyes shut, trying to will away the headache. "No. No. You're not in love with me. You don't even want to be the same species as me. Do you not remember that whole conversation?!"

"Of course I remember!" Tobias spat angrily. Now I was getting mad, too.

"So what are you saying? You're saying you changed your mind? You'll go human permanently and give up morphing, give up flying forever? You'd do that?"

"Maybe!"

I froze. He froze.

"You don't mean that," I said. "You can't do that."

"I don't know."

"_I_ know, and _I_ am telling you," I said firmly. "Do _not_ do that for me, Tobias."

I couldn't let him. Flying was his life. Being a hawk was...Tobias was a hawk. He was a human, too, but he was happier as a hawk. He always was. All those years ago, when the Ellimist gave him his morphing powers back, I had been pissed. I had fooled myself into thinking that Tobias was cheated, that he wanted to be human. But Tobias knew even at thirteen years old that he was meant to be in the sky. It had taken a while for me to make my peace with it, but even I knew that. When we broke up, it wasn't just because I was angry at him. It was because I couldn't take the sky from him.

"Rachel…"

"You're not thinking straight," I said. "I almost died saving your life and now you feel like you owe me. You _don't owe me anything_."

"That's not true."

I shook my head fiercely. "Don't think that way, Tobias. We broke up because we wanted different things, not because you failed me somehow by not giving up your morphing."

"_That's _not true."

"What the fuck are you even talking about!?" I demanded, my patience wearing very, very thin.

Tobias took my hand and guided me back to the blanket. We both sat down across from each other and he gently ran some fingers through my hair. I was so confused, I let him touch me without swatting him away. His hand stopped at the base of my skull. I knew what he was feeling for.

"They said you don't remember anything from right before you were shot," he said, stroking where there had once been a gaping hole into my brain. There was now only soft blonde hair.

"No, I don't, but they told me. What's that got to do with - ?"

"You don't remember what we were talking about? Me, you, and who we thought was Heather?"

"No!" I still couldn't remember. The doctors all said this was normal. That even though I had morphed all my injuries away, some memories during traumatic experiences could be repressed or even lost completely. I had absolutely no idea what led to my being shot. My friends and the official police reports simply stated that Tobias had figured out the Heather with us was an imposter, and in her panic at being discovered, she fired.

Tobias sighed. "I shouldn't tell you. It goes against all my orders, and Heather would kill me. That's how I figured out that Heather was a fake, you know. I was going to tell you, and I knew she would try to stop me. When she didn't, that's when I knew she was a fraud."

"You're not making any damn sense, Tobias."

"I know, but… listen, do you know what Jake does?"

"Uh, yeah?" I rolled my eyes. "He trains elite military with the power to morph so that they could counter terrorist attacks and stuff. Particularly important now, with the Initiative ramping up their asshole factor."

"What you don't know is that they approached him to lead a special subset of those soldiers," Tobias said. "The government asked him to be a general and lead a very specific, very small group of morph-capable soldiers to protect civilians from alien-related attacks. There's an entire agency, actually. Not very big yet, but it's a division of the military entirely dedicated to dealing with alien activities."

"Men in Black?" I joked sardonically.

"Actually, yes," he said. "Pretty much. It's top secret, obviously, but they're a little less strict with the 'cutting yourself off from society' thing and they don't wear suits. No memory zappers, either."

I stared at him incredulously. "Wait. You're serious?! Oh, man. You're serious. Are you saying Jake is actually Will Smith? He's Agent J!?"

"No, of course not," Tobias shook his head. "Jake refused. He doesn't want to fight anymore. He likes his job teaching, so he's still just the morphing instructor."

"So how do you even know all this stuff if it's supposed to be some big secret - ?"

The realization hit me like a truck.

Tobias grinned at my stunned expression. "Uh-huh."

I gaped. "You…?!"

"Yeah."

"_You're…?! _You're...you..._you…?!_"

"Yeah."

"Those men that Jake trains - "

"We're called Unit 87," Tobias said smugly. "Although I don't need training. Jake doesn't know. No one can know, Rachel. The only person who knows I'm on the squad is my men - "

" - your _men?!_"

"Well, not just men. Women, too."

"_Heather…!?"_ I realized.

Tobias nodded. "She was my partner for most of our missions. Anyway, the head of Homeland Security - you remember General Doubleday, right? He's the commander. He needed someone with morphing and tactical experience to lead the active field agents. He approached Jake with a vague offer, but since he was out, I was in."

My jaw dropped. "You're a...secret government agent."

"I guess so, yeah."

"You're James Bond."

"Um. Sort of. As I said, they don't require I wear a suit."

"Jesus Christ, Tobias." I was shocked. Too shocked to even hit him like some part of me wanted to. "For how long!?"

"Just over a year now."

"A year...you..._while we were still together?!_"

Tobias could tell that maybe this wasn't going entirely as he'd planned. If he'd even planned this. Who knows when he would have told me, if I hadn't shown up in his meadow completely out of the blue. He probably would have hid from me in this fucking forest and kept this secret _forever._

"I accepted the job two weeks before we broke up."

_Now_ I wanted to fucking punch him.

"You_ jerk!_" I raged, shoving him so hard that he almost sprawled on his back. He was too much bigger than me now to actually be hurt, which was lucky for him because I was pissed off. "You _son of a - _you didn't think to mention any of this to me?! You didn't think that was important - "

"I thought is was very important!" Tobias yelled back. "But Rachel, at that time you were working with Cassie and the Hork-Bajir. You were rebuilding our old town after it was destroyed in the battle. You were getting your GED. You were superwoman. I was doing nothing. When Unit 87 approached me, I couldn't say no . They needed me. And you...you didn't."

"You_ idiot._"

"I was never good enough for you," Tobias said. He was almost pleading with me. Pleading for forgiveness. "I was too _hawk_. Too far gone from being human. I thought you had just bounced back from the war. I had nothing to bounce back to. I thought it was better if I just - "

" - joined the fucking Men in Black?! Left me?! _Cut me out of your life?!_"

"Cut_ me_ out of_ your_ life," Tobias clarified. "Yes. I wanted you to live a normal, happy human life. It looked like you were making a difference. Something I couldn't do, not like how the rest of you were."

"You still could have told me," I said. "You still could have - "

I stopped. I suddenly knew the real reason he didn't tell me. He'd just said it - he wanted me to live a_ normal human life_.

"Did they want me, too?"

Tobias fell silent.

"Answer me!" I demanded, even though he didn't need to. I already knew. "They did. They were going to recruit me, too. You just didn't want me to join you. You didn't want_ me_ to become an agent!"

"I wanted to protect you from that," Tobias insisted. "They did want you, but they wanted the _dark _side of you. I thought, if you had found a way to lock that up, if I could make it so that side of you never had to surface again, I had to help you."

"You didn't want me to become a monster again, is that what you mean?" I seethed.

"Yes," he said frankly. "So I went and joined them, to keep them away from you."

It was like a face-off. I had jumped to my feet again and Tobias had gotten up with me and I was just glaring up at him so hard I was surprised smoky red holes weren't appearing on his face.

But I realized that he did love me. Tobias knew me better than anyone else and was determined to protect me, even from myself. He always loved me, and taking that job just showed that he always would.

"I...I…" I was so mad at him. So mad. And yet...

"It was one of the conditions of my contract. They have me as their stupid squad leader, so they promise not to approach you, not to _tempt_ you, with a job offer. You go on doing good things with your life, go to college, get a job, meet a guy, maybe do the marriage and kids thing, I don't know. But you never had to learn about me."

"That wasn't your call," I hissed angrily. "That wasn't your choice to make! I didn't ask you to do that!"

"You were doing well - "

"I was _drowning!_" I cried. "I was drowning without you, Tobias! Sure, I studied, I helped the Hork-Bajir, I did community service. But inside, I couldn't breathe. I've been secretly hunting innocent animals while in morph for the thrills. I was suicidal. I might still be, I don't know. I was a mess, I just hid it really well from everyone!"

Tobias looked away guiltily, but I grabbed his chin forcing him to look at me. Neither of us were innocent here. Neither of us had trusted each other, and we didn't get to hide.

"You didn't think I could hold myself together, so you made a decision on my behalf without asking."

"Yes," he admitted. "And keeping this job meant I had to be able to morph. So..."

"So you had to stay a hawk. You could never be trapped as a human," I finished. I suddenly felt exhausted. Sick. "So that whole speech you gave me, to get me to break up with you. That's where it was coming from. You could never be with me."

"Not the way you wanted me." He shook his head. "I thought I killed two birds with one stone, so to speak. Found a way that I could be useful in the post-war world, and managed to keep you safe and let you move on. Win-win. For both of us."

"Well, I definitely don't feel like I won anything."

"Me neither."

He pried my clenched fingers from the front of his hoodie, and held my hands in his. They were warm, confident. He wasn't fidgeting or squirming anymore. Instead, he pulled me near and I didn't resist. We came so close that our foreheads touched. I could feel his breath.

"You and Heather were at Toby's pregnancy press conference. You were trying to protect everyone. Heather pushed Cassie on stage because she suspected the Initiative was after her. She basically saved her life."

"Yes."

"And the Hork-Bajir meeting at City Hall, during the game?"

"We suspected something would happen at the game, so we sent most of our agents there, including Heather, whose job was specifically to look out for you guys. We didn't anticipate that they knew about the Hork-Bajir's secret meeting at City Hall. I had gone as extra security just in case, but the Initiative caught me off guard. That's when we started to suspect…"

"That the Initiative had the power to morph."

"Yes. And that changed everything. That meant that they could have moles literally anywhere, and they could be anyone."

"Like the yeerks all over again," I repeated what Kono had said the other day.

"The stylist, at the Animorphs event? He was one of ours. And Heather, of course. And about four of the guards. We lost control of that situation. We had no idea just how organized and numerous the Initiative was."

"So why let all these events happen? Why not just tell everyone and have all these things cancelled?"

"How else can we catch them if we don't draw them out?" Tobias said. "And we have to stay a secret. We're using Andalite technology for a little more than they intended, and we can't get wrapped up in a diplomacy argument right now. Plus, how did the Initiative get the power to morph?"

"You're not thinking the Andalites…?" I wondered. "Or the government, they're the ones who have control over the Escafil device the Andalites gave us…"

Tobias shook his head. "We don't know. Not yet. But until we do, we have to keep our mouths shut and our eyes open."

I rested one of my hands on his cheek and he covered it with his own.

"This is a whole lot of trouble you've gotten yourself into, Tobias."

"Yeah, you're telling me."

"I could help you."

"I don't want you to."

"I appreciate that you care about me. I swear, I do," I said quietly. "But fuck you if you think I'm just going to know all this and not try to do something."

He laughed. "Yeah, I figured. That's why I didn't want to tell you. I wanted to keep you safe. I wanted to keep you away from all this."

I bit my lip, starting to feel things I hadn't felt in a very long time. He wasn't avoiding my gaze anymore, he was looking into my eyes full-on, fearlessly. There were no longer any secrets between us.

"Well, you've been doing a _horrible_ job of that."

Tobias laughed again. "I have been. I'm sorry. But even as I tried to keep my distance, Rachel, I never stopped loving you. I've always only ever wanted you."

One of his hands found its way to the back of my neck, and the other to the small of my back. Suddenly we were close, very close. My hands tangled in his messy hair. It was so familiar, so safe to be with him. Everything was the same, the hitch in his breath, the feel of his quickening pulse, the warmth of his body against mine. I felt like I had been climbing up a ladder for months and was suddenly pitching backwards, falling back down into the chasm.

In a good way?

"I'm still angry," I whispered softly.

"But…?" He grinned hopefully.

"But…" I echoed into his parting lips.


	17. II - The Talk

_**II.**_

* * *

**CHAPTER SEVENTEEN - The Talk**

* * *

We lay in the grass, huddled in my blanket. It was already starting to get dark and remarkably chilly, especially with the thin sheen of sweat starting to evaporate from my bare skin. Tobias, who'd already demorphed and remorphed once, was preparing to do it again. I stopped him with a hand on his chest, my fingers lingering in the short, dark hairs there.

"I have to go."

"Aw, why?"

"Because I'm so cold my nipples could cut glass?"

His eyes strayed and I smirked, pushing him away so I could start putting on my clothes.

"I have to make a list of groceries to send Jordan for, so I can make dinner tonight. One last meal for my family before I go back to the house with Cassie," I explained. "I can't go to the supermarket myself for longer than five minutes without being mobbed by photographers."

"Oh," he said. "Right. Sorry."

I poked my head out of my sweater and shoved my arms through the sleeves. He helped me, tugging the hem down to my waist and looking for my jeans. It was always a weird habit of his, helping me get dressed after sex. I never really understood why he did it, but I always found it endearing that he was just as helpful getting my clothes on as he was pulling them off. It was like we had fallen back in our old routine.

Although our old routine would have included my inviting him over for dinner, too.

He handed me my pants.

"So...you and I…?"

I winced. "Tobias…"

His shoulders drooped. "I see."

"No! No, I'm not saying that," I said hastily. "I'm not saying - "

"You're not saying you love me," he said neutrally. "That's okay. That's fine. Honestly, that's for the best. You need to move on, go back to school, be with_ mmph - !_"

I clamped my hand over his mouth and looked him in the eye.

"What I need is for you to stop telling me what I need," I said firmly. "I also need to think about this. Okay? And so do you."

Tobias took my hand away, rubbing this large, rough thumb over my fingers.

"I've had lots of time to think already. I already know...this was a mistake."

I pulled my hand away fiercely.

"A_ mistake?_"

"I shouldn't have done this. What was I thinking?" he fretted. "I can't have you back in my life the way it is. This isn't what I wanted for you. You need to - "

"I said stop telling me what I need!" I snarled, pulling on my jeans and standing up to button them. I stomped my feet, mostly to get my legs all the way through my pants, but also to get the point across that I was getting supremely annoyed. "Listen, of course I love you. I never stopped fucking loving you, that's why it took a year to even just _start_ getting over you. That's why I thought about you every single damn day and why I had to crush those feelings every waking moment. And that's why I couldn't stop myself from banging you in a meadow - _of course_ I fucking love you!"

He looked at me, completely and utterly bewildered. He hadn't expected that. Tobias really, seriously thought I had gotten over him. Just like he'd really, seriously thought my life would be better without him.

That was when I realized, Tobias wasn't just as broken as I was. He was _more_ broken. He didn't just feel like he didn't belong here, he felt like he didn't belong_ anywhere_. He was never cut out for war, he didn't have my violent streak. And he was never cut out for normal life, either - he literally had no one but me. And I had left him.

It was another reason why Tobias joined Unit 87. He knew our relationship was going to end, and between fighting a new war as an Animorph and living in the new post-war world, being a reluctant warrior was the lesser of two evils. Tobias didn't want any of this, but he thought it didn't matter what he wanted. He was self-sacrificing, confused, lonely, and messed up.

But he was mine, and if I had hope, so did he. I was going to move on with my life, and I was going to take him with me.

I handed over his hoodie and he put it over his head. He had maybe fifteen minutes left in morph and I intended to use it all up. I didn't want him to freeze.

"I just need to slow down - "

"'_Banging in a meadow'_ aside?" He grinned at me, more confident now that I'd spilled my guts. The hood came up over his head automatically as he put it on, and I pulled it down, amused.

"Yes, long overdue reunion sex aside, let's ease back into this, okay? I just...don't want things to be like last time. We need to make sure it's better."

"Okay."

"For both our sakes. I can't do that whole thing again, Tobias. I couldn't take it."

"Okay."

"The Unit 87 stuff, too. I need to think about that. Process all...that."

He raised an eyebrow. "You mean you're not going to demand I call General Doubleday right now and force your way into the organization? You're not jumping headfirst into the war against the Initiative? Who are you and what have you done to Rachel?"

I grinned. "New and improved Version 2.0."

Tobias pulled me close and squeezed hard.

"_Okay."_

I pushed him away just enough for me to tilt my head up and for him to lean down. We kissed, his lips warming me in the cold. It took a lot of willpower not to invite him over for dinner, but I didn't want my family to jump to conclusions. There were no conclusions here yet.

We were going to get _better_.

"What about Ben?" he asked.

I sighed and rested my forehead on his chest.

"Well, I have to hope he'll take the 'let's just be friends' talk better than you did."

* * *

When I stumbled in through the front door I barely even waved hello at my sisters, who were watching TV in the living room. Jordan reminded me she needed a list of groceries and I mumbled a vague affirmation back without stopping. I ran straight up to my room, feeling as if everyone could sense the afterglow on me. Like if I talked to someone for more than a minute they would just _know_ about my afternoon of hanky panky and I was _so_ not ready for people to know that yet.

I couldn't stop thinking about him. The flat planes and angles of his chest, the dark, coarse hairs around his navel, the things he'd whispered in my ear. Being together with him again, even for just a moment, I was free of all my worries and -

"Hey, Rach."

"_Ahh!"_ I jumped. For some reason Cassie was sitting on my bed, checking messages on her cell phone. It was like getting deluged by a sudden cold shower.

"Sorry! Your sisters didn't tell you I was waiting for you?"

"What are you doing here?!"

Cassie was scrutinizing me suspiciously, despite_ her_ being the intruder in _my_ room. She had to know. She could tell just from looking at me where I had been, what I had been doing, and who I'd been doing it with. Oh, God, I had sex-in-the-woods written all over my face. I waited for the inevitable interrogation. Her eyes narrowed accusingly.

Then, she held up one of the books she'd found on my bed.

"_The Crucible_?"

"Wh - Huh?"

"Didn't we already read this in high school?"

"I - uh - umm…?"

"You're only taking American Lit because you already read these books, aren't you?"

I let out a sigh of relief. "Oh. Ohhh. Um, maybe a little?"

"Rachel, the point of college is to learn new things, not find the easiest 'A'!" Cassie tossed the book at me and I missed the catch. The Crucible bounced off my nervous fingers and landed on my floor. She stared at it, then at me. I _never_ dropped anything. Uh-oh.

"Are you okay?" she asked, puzzled.

"Yeah, yeah, just stressed," I said, quickly snatching_ The Crucible_ off my carpet and setting it on my desk. I made a show of setting my backpack onto my chair, exaggerating the heft as if it were packed with textbooks. "I spent all day doing schoolwork and I'm just fried."

Cassie looked at me sympathetically. "Aw, Rach."

"No, no, it's nothing a quick rest won't fix," I said dismissively. "What's up with you? Why didn't you just call me?"

She squirmed a little. "I needed to talk. Face-to-face."

Now I was the one narrowing my eyes. "About...?"

"Ronnie and I are going to have sex tonight."

I nearly toppled over.

"_What?!_"

"We, uh, we have a date tonight," she said anxiously. "And I sort of heavily implied that I wanted to...you know."

"Knock boots? Bump uglies?"

"Come on - "

"Make amorous congress?"

Cassie scowled. "Sorry, _Marco_, I mistook you for Rachel."

I was just as nervous as she was. There could not have been a more awkward time for her to bring up this conversation. I plopped down on the bed next to her and folded my hands together so I wouldn't fidget.

"Sorry, okay, let's talk."

"I mean, I know it's been a while since you, you know, _did it…_"

I glanced at my clock on the wall. Two hours could be considered "a while" to some people. Probably.

"...But I just wanted, I don't know. Tips? Pointers? Something that could calm my nerves so I don't chicken out and move to Mexico?"

She was looking at me so desperately that I had to give her a hug. She wrinkled her nose.

"You smell like you were rolling around in grass."

"I couldn't stay cooped up inside forever. Cabin fever," I said flippantly, ready to steer her through this pivotal point in her life and divert all attention from the fact that I smelled like I had been romping in the forest. "So...this will be your first time?"

"Of course!" she exclaimed. "If I had ever even come close before you would have known about it. I tell you everything."

She really did. Now I felt guilty.

But this wasn't about me.

"Well, I mean, how close have you gotten before?"

She blushed. I smirked.

"Look, Cassie, I don't know why you're embarrassed. You've been dating for...like,_ months, _right?"

"It's not too soon, is it?"

"Too soon!? Ronnie must be about to explode!" The grin on my face softened when I recognized her expression. It wasn't just embarrassment. It was shame. "Unless..._you_ think it's too soon?"

Cassie bit her lip. "I definitely want to do it."

"Pervert."

"_Rachel!"_

"Sorry, sorry!" She started swatting at me and I held up my arms to fend her off. "I'm just kidding. Of course you want to do it. Ronnie's hot, you're hot, and you're both super into each other. But something is bothering about you all this when nothing should be. Spill."

She bit her lip. "Um, I'm uncomfortable with my body?"

"With_ that_ butt?"

"I'm scared of physical intimacy?"

"Not so scared you wouldn't tap that."

"Commitment issues?"

"Oh, _please._"

She looked away embarrassed and mumbled something under her breath.

"What is it? Cassie, come on."

"_Jake!"_ she hissed, casting a wary glance at my door. I gaped at her.

"What!?_"_

Cassie groaned and fell back onto my bad, hands covering her face.

"I keep thinking about Jake!"

"Why the _hell _are you doing that?!" I demanded.

"I don't know!" she complained. "I mean, I know I'm not in love with him anymore. I know I don't want to...do that with him. I know this, and yet, I keep thinking… _God._"

She flipped onto her stomach, wrapping herself like a burrito in my blanket. Her head was buried under several layers of blanket and comforter by the time I got to her. I had to pounce on top of her, trying to wrestled her out of her cocoon.

"Cassie - stop - Cassie! You are being a child!"

"_Mmmph!"_

"Stop it! Would you just - !?" She wriggled under me but I managed to reveal her face and forcibly unravel some of the sheets. She looked up at me pitifully.

"I was in love with Jake, you know. I loved him so much. I was going to marry him."

"I know," I said softly. "But that was a long time ago."

"I don't even know if I love Ronnie yet," Cassie admitted. "I know I really, really like him. But I've only known him for a couple months, only dated him for less than that, and I'm not even sure... I was with Jake for _years_. Loved him for _years_."

"So?"

She sighed. "It just feels so weird. Compared to my history with Jake, Ronnie is basically a stranger. Yet who's the one I'm losing my virginity to? Not the guy who fought a war for me and saved my life countless times. Not the guy I abandoned when he went spiraling into depression - "

"Cassie, we've been over that, you didn't - "

"What does that make me?" she asked somberly. "I think I finally know how you feel with Tobias. I thought I let go of Jake a long time ago but here I am, still thinking about him when I should be thinking about my boyfriend. Oh, _God_."

I frowned. "No. This isn't the same. You _have_ let go of Jake."

"Then why am I rolled up in your sheets moaning about how my first time is going to be with Ronnie and not him?!"

"Well, this whole human burrito thing is because you're crazy," I said, struggling to unravel her. "But the other thing - you're just confusing yourself, Cassie."

"_Duh!"_

"No, I mean - " I stopped trying to fight and just sort of sat on her. "Listen, you are Cassie. You love everyone. But you're not _in_ love with Jake. Okay? You still care about him, you care about his feelings, but not like that. You're also afraid and worried about taking it to the next level with Ronnie, because this is new and unexplored territory and of course it's scary to fall in love. You're confusing and twisting all these feelings into something its not."

I paused thoughtfully. "Huh. What you've done with my blankets is actually a pretty cool metaphor."

Cassie tucked her head back into her cocoon. I pulled the blanket down again.

"Am I wrong?"

Silence. Then, "I still feel so guilty about it."

I found her shoulder under the layers of sheets and squeezed it.

"Trust me, I know the feeling. But you do what you want. Don't be afraid to move forward. There's nothing to feel guilty about, you don't owe anyone anything."

After a brief silence, I heard her muffled voice say, "Your sheets smell like butter."

Cassie shoved me off of her and unraveled herself from my sheets.

"I'm just so… How do you know you're ready to take things to the next level? I mean, I was just about ready to take that step with Jake, but then the war ended and everything went spinning out of control. We never actually got there, you know?" She sat up and looked at me. "How did you know it was the right time with Tobias?"

I wished there was some romantic story to it, or even something we could look back on and laugh about three years later. We were sixteen-year-old refugees living in the woods as an alien war waged around us, Bird Boy and Xena having a McDonald's picnic in a meadow. It was like the perfect teen romance movie about star-crossed lovers against the world. But nope. There were dried leaves, poison ivy, burger grease, a complete lack of privacy, and all the usual things that happened to teenagers trying sex for the first time. It was clumsy, painful, and embarrassing.

But the feelings and intentions were all good. We loved each other, and made it known, despite our fumbling. It was so easy back then, being hyper-aware of our own mortality made us that much more sure of ourselves. After seeing what we had seen in war, we had nothing to fear from love anymore. We had no secrets, we were on the same page with everything.

Cassie's situation was different. Misfired L-bombs could cause all sorts of disasters, emotional and professional - Ronnie was kind of her co-worker. He was also a non-Animorph, of course she kept some secrets from him, they couldn't be quite as open as us. Plus he was also older, more experienced. As similar and compatible as Ronnie and Cassie were, they were actually much more different from each other than Tobias and I.

I couldn't relate my first time to hers. I was going to have to go by a different experience.

A recent experience.

"You just kind of _know._ There isn't a whole lot to the thought process. You just want to be so close to each other that...I don't know, nothing else is enough anymore. The kissing and the touching just doesn't cut it, eventually you feel so connected with a person that it's no longer a question of whether or not you're ready. You just are. And then it's just you and him and a bunch of things that words can't even describe."

She watched me as I spoke and I suddenly felt empowered. I never got to give her any big, wise speeches. Usually it was _her _lecturing _me._

"Sometimes all it takes is one glance, one smile, maybe he just needs to be close to you and everything falls into place. Everything you thought was wrong with him, everything that was wrong with you, every doubt just falls away. There is no question. You just _know_. And it just...happens, whether you planned it or not."

Cassie continued to look at me, her expression unreadable.

"So you fall in love. So you have sex. It's just a peace you feel, a rightness. The sense that even though nothing will ever be perfect and you have a long road ahead of you, the fact is you need him as much as he needs you. It's not like a burden, it's a commitment. And nothing in the universe is more worth that effort."

She blinked at me in wonder.

I grinned. "I know. Man, I am so wise."

"Rachel, where were you today?"

My grin evaporated. Crap. Flew too close to the sun.

"Where were you this afternoon?" she repeated. "Where did you go?"

"The...library," I found myself saying.

Her lips pressed into a thin, suspicious line. Then she hopped off my bed and before I could stop her, she had swiped my backpack out from under my desk and pulled it open. The grass-stained blanket and the leftovers of my picnic with Tobias tumbled to the floor, along with a few dry leaves.

"_Hey!" _I protested. "I just vacuumed in here this morning!"

"You went to visit Tobias!" she cried.

My first instinct was to rack my brain for any way to salvage the situation. But there was nothing to salvage. It was okay. For the first time in a long time, things were starting to feel okay for me. Maybe everyone didn't need to know yet, but Cassie was my best friend. She could know.

"Yeah, I did."

Cassie gasped._ "And?" _

"We talked."

"You talked," she echoed.

"Maybe a _little _more than talking."

Cassie choked on air. I had to spin her around and knock her back a couple times before she could breathe properly again.

"Define '_a little more'!_"

I bit my lip.

"Rachel, are you serious?!" she said, dumbfounded. "Oh, my God!"

"Hey now, we both know what we're doing," I said defensively. "It was just a little kissing...and stuff."

"_And stuff?!"_

"What do you want, a play-by-play?"

"No!" Cassie squawked. "Well, yes, but not the sexy parts or whatever - "

"'_Sexy parts'?_"

"I mean, maybe later when we have a minute I can listen to some details - "

"Cassie!"

"Sorry, sorry! Okay, wait - what the heck happened?!" she cried. "What did you talk about? What led to all that?!"

"Uh, didn't you come here to talk about you and Ronnie?" I started to get up but Cassie stopped me with just a look. She stood in front of me, arms crossed and feet firmly planted.

"We are officially putting that on pause," Cassie said sternly. "What happened with you and Tobias?!"

There was so much. But she couldn't know about Unit 87. I had promised him.

"I wanted some closure. I've been trying to work on myself, you know, moving on and all that. I just feel like I could do better. So I found Tobias and talked, civilly, about us and about our break-up. Just to get a final feeling on where we stood, so that we could be friends again." I shrugged. "And one thing led to another…"

When I trailed off, Cassie pulled my desk chair over so she could sit in front of me. The girl would not let my gaze go. That was how she read people, by the eyes.

"And then? What, are you two back together? What about Heather and Ben? There's more, isn't there? What aren't you telling me?"

I cringed. It was going to be hard to explain why I didn't have any answers to any of her questions. Luckily, I had a best friend that knew me better than I was sometimes comfortable with. She could tell the answer was complicated, but she only had one concern.

Cassie gently held me by the shoulders.

"Are you guys okay, Rachel? Are you going to be okay?"

I smiled sincerely, a thing that had been so rare for me in the past year that Cassie's mind was immediately put at ease.

"I have a lot of things to think about. But I'm going to think about them before I jump into anything."

She smiled back. "Then I'm not worried. You'll work it out. But I'm here, Rach. Always have been."

"I know," I said. "As for Heather and Ben, well, Tobias was never with Heather. They really were just friends. And I was never really 'with' Ben, although…"

I went over to my laptop and opened it up. The screen was still open to the last page I was looking at before I went to visit Tobias - my email inbox, with Ben's email still at the very top in bold letters. It was still marked as Unread.

"Ohhh…" Cassie scooted over on my chair. "You haven't read it yet?"

"No."

"What are you going to say to him?" she asked, wanting nothing more than to open the email herself and read it.

"I don't know."

"But you don't want to be with him anymore. You want to be with Tobias."

"I - yeah."

Cassie frowned. "But you still like Ben as a friend. And he_ really_ likes you."

"...Yeah."

"You know, it's weird, but you have two great guys throwing themselves at you and I still do not envy you even a little bit."

"Thanks a lot." I rolled my eyes. "I can't lose Ben, Cassie. He's the best. I need him to be my friend. But I know how he feels. What do I do?"

Cassie budged over in the chair so we could both sit in it. "Well, I'd start by reading that message."

I opened the email and she made absolutely no effort to hide the fact that she was leaning over to read it with me.

_Rachel -_

_I wanted to let you know, I have been out of my mind worrying about you and I am beyond relieved that you are okay. Seriously, I've never felt anything like this before._

_Wow this is the worst email ever. I'm not even going to send it. I'm going to delete it right now._

_Except, I just really want you to know that I care. Whether or not you want to see me, that's up to you, but you should know that I care. And that I want to see you, because I had a month to get to know you, and another to know what it was like to lose you... and I am definitely not a fan of losing you. That definitely sucked._

_Okay I am definitely not sending this email._

_Or maybe, I don't know. I hope you're doing well. Please get better soon. Uh. Bye._

_\- Ben_

I dropped my head on my desk with a loud _thunk_.

"I didn't even get the chance to properly date this smart, cute, amazing guy and I _still_ have to break up with him!" I moaned. "For the second time!"

Cassie shook her head pityingly. "Poor Ben."

"How can I do this to him? He crashed an ice cream truck for me!"

She rubbed at my shoulders sympathetically. "Poor _you_. But Rachel, this is your life. You can't beat yourself up about him, he has to understand. 'You don't owe anyone anything', remember? He will understand."

"I wish there was a way of doing this so he doesn't get hurt," I grumbled into my desk.

Cassie paused for a second, then grinned. "I could think of one way, but Ben would have to be really open-minded and Tobias would have to agree too."

I looked at my best friend, scandalized. "You are _lecherous_, you really do need to get lucky tonight."

She blushed. "I was just joking, trying to lighten the mood. Although they _are_ both awfully cute."

"You have a boyfriend."

"So? Rachel, you somehow have_ two._"

I groaned and she patted me on the back.

"It's okay. Look, you don't need to do this right now. You have a family to feed. Sleep on it, maybe the answer will come easier to you tomorrow."

"Or maybe I'll be up all night and - "

"_RACHEL!" _Jordan shouted from downstairs. We could hear her screech from all the way in my room through my closed door. I grumbled and pulled it open.

"What do you want!?"

We heard her start stomping up the stairs, followed by someone else that sounded too heavy and clumsy to be Sara. To my surprise, Tobias emerged behind her, looking thoroughly embarassed and awkward.

"Where's list of stuff you need me to get at the store?" Jordan huffed. "Literally, all you needed to do was write it, jeez."

"Um, actually, I think we have everything we need in the kitchen," I said faintly, staring at Tobias.

"Whatever, less work for me," she shrugged. "Oh, yeah, your ex is here. Later."

Jordan sauntered back downstairs to the TV, as if nothing had happened. I gaped at Tobias.

"I forgot how much like you she was." He was snickering back at my sister. "I remember when you..."

He trailed off as Cassie appeared next to me, a shit-eating grin eclipsing her entire face.

"Um, what's up, Cassie...?"

I shook my head in exasperation

"I told her, Tobias. She knows."

Tobias stared at me blankly. "She...knows?"

"About me and you," I clarified, slightly annoyed. He knew better than to think I'd say anything else. "Obviously."

"Right," he said. "Oh, uh, Rach, you left this in the meadow. I didn't want to just barge in here but I figured you'd need it and I wasn't sure if you'd have time to come back for it, since you're going back to the house tomorrow."

He held out the Economics textbook I hadn't even realized I was missing. I took it, trying not to turn as warm and pink as I felt. I knew Cassie was watching us closely.

"Thanks. How'd you even get it here?" I wondered. There was no way a hawk could carry a huge textbook all the way down from the mountains, and it wasn't like Tobias had a car or anything.

"I morphed wolf and made my way down until I figured I was close to town," he explained, turning the book over in my hands. There were puncture marks at the edges of the cover from his wolf teeth. "Sorry about that. But then I just morphed human and took the bus from Dartmouth Street."

"You took the _bus?!_" I yelped.

"Not as many people are familiar with Tobias's human look," Cassie reasoned. "I imagine he could get away with public transportation easier than you or me."

Tobias nodded. "I got a few curious glances, but luckily I'm just boring enough to blend in."

"You're not boring," I snorted. "You could have called me, I would have gone back! Or at least picked you up from the stupid bus depot!"

"I don't have a cell phone."

I glared at him. He didn't need thoughtspeak to know what I was thinking. _You are a super secret agent and you still don't have a cell phone?_

"That was really sweet of you, Tobias," Cassie said brightly.

"It was no problem," he said. "Um, well, I'll just leave you guys to it, then. I didn't mean to interrupt girly time."

"You're not. Cassie isn't staying for dinner. She has_ plans_," I said suggestively.

"Plans?"

_"Plans."_

_"Rachel!" _She whacked me in the arm, flustered. The evening had gotten way too serious and I felt like we just needed a little teasing snuck in there with all the drama and unwavering support and sex advice.

He looked back and forth between us.

"Ooookay, well, I should go."

"Why aren't you staying for dinner?" Cassie wondered. Her expression looked almost suspicious. "I mean, if you two are - "

Suddenly heard I pair of light, bouncy sneakers hopping up the stairs. Sara jumped up behind us, clearly bounding two steps at a time even though we've all been repeatedly telling her to stop doing that. I held a finger to my mouth, hoping Cassie would hush.

"_Rachellll,_ Jordan says you don't need anything from the store, but all we have in the fridge is ketchup and string cheese!" she whined. "Are you sure - _Tobias?!_"

Sara unleashed a dazzling smile and gave him a big warm hug. She had gotten very attached to him while we were together, and vice versa. Personality-wise, she was a lot like Tobias. Kind, thoughtful, and shy. They got along really well and it crushed her when she found out we'd broken up.

"Are you guys...?!" she asked hopefully, still clinging to him but looking back and forth between us.

I hesitated.

"We're dealing with some grown-up things right now, Sara," Tobias said to her gently.

She pouted. "Oh. So you're not staying for dinner?"

"Not tonight. Maybe next time?"

"Okay…" She turned to me, all sad puppy eyes. "Well, at least don't make me eat string cheese and ketchup for dinner."

Sara moped down the hall to her room, leaving us just standing there watching her. I really didn't want to make her any promises until everything was figured out between us, but disappointing a sweet little ten-year-old girl had a tendency to make one feel completely awful.

I sighed at Cassie. "_That's_ why."

"I've missed that kid," Tobias said.

Cassie was eyeing him carefully.

"Well," she said finally. "I should go."

"The both of you need to go, or else my family is gonna be really mad about the lack of food," I said. I pulled Cassie aside into my room, giving Tobias a look at said he should avert his attention elsewhere. He understood and plugged his ears with his fingers, humming the Star Wars theme. Dork.

"Good luck," I whispered to Cassie. "Remember, call me whenever about whatever. Any time. Just trust your instincts and you'll be fine. You'll have fun. Ronnie's a great guy... But I swear to God, just give me the word. Give me the word and I will be at that house in twenty minutes wringing his neck with my bare hands. Okay?"

She laughed hugged me. "Thank you."

Cassie went down the stairs and left. I poked Tobias in the stomach to get him to stop humming. He smirked at me.

"She has _naked_ plans with Ronnie, doesn't she?"

"Duh."

"That's adorable."

"Yeah, well..." I looked around carefully in the hallway before stealing a peck on the lips. Tobias's hand found its way around me, pulling me closer, but I felt myself getting warm. This was turning into a mistake very quickly. We couldn't act like this in my family's house, with everyone around.

"I should go," he breathed.

He snuck one last kiss from me and I watched as he made his way down the stairs and to our front door. He waved at me before closing it behind him. I smiled to myself stupidly for a few seconds before returning to my room to write Jordan's shopping list.

That's when I heard the hushed whispers coming from outside my window.

I crept up and peeked just over the windowsill. Out by the garage, I could see Cassie standing in the dark, her arms folded across her chest just like they had been with me earlier. She had hung back while I was saying goodbye to Tobias and caught him as he left.

" - I love you, Tobias, I really do," she was saying.

"Uh, thanks?"

"But Rachel is finally starting to find her footing. She's working it out at college, she's handling her family, and I don't know what the bullet in her skull did, but now she's got this weirdly positive attitude about life. I know you've noticed."

"Yeah, actually. I think it's great."

"I know you're still hurting, I know you haven't yet recovered from the war. You're like her, in that way. But if Rachel is starting to turn her life around…"

A silence so heavy with implication that even I felt it in my room.

"You don't want me to hold her back," Tobias said simply.

I felt a surge of anger rush through me, for Tobias's sake. Why was Cassie attacking him?

"Again, listen, you're one of my closest friends. But I can't have you hurting her. Not anymore, and not again. She's been through enough - "

"Cass - "

"You've_ both_ been through enough."

"Do you want me to break it off with her?!"

"No...no, of course not." Tobias may not have noticed it, but I did. My best friend had hesitated. It was glaringly obvious to me that some part of her _did_ want us to stay broken up. I couldn't believe it.

"You don't think I know that?" he hissed, an indignant tinge to his voice. "You don't think I know Ben is better for her than I am? That this other guy can put her on a better path, give her a better life?"

"That's not what I - "

I gripped the windowsill tightly.

"Yes, it is, Cassie. It is what you meant, because you're a good friend."

She didn't deny it. She just stood there. They both just stood there and I prepared to go right outside and start yelling.

"Rachel loves you," she blurted. "And that girl does not do anything halfway. I'm just worried she won't think this through as much as she should. _You're_ the sensible one. Rachel can find an answer to anything faster than anyone I know, but _you_ are better at hammering out the kinks. Dealing with consequences. That's why I'm talking to you. Not because I want you guys to break up again, but because I need you to _see._"

"She is the one that came to me._" _Tobias pointed out. "I told her how I felt, and she stayed with me. That was her decision. _My_ decision is to be better. For _her_. I don't intend to bring her down, Cassie. I'm going to let her grow, and this time instead of just letting her go off without me, I intend to keep up. I'm going to keep up with her. That's all I see happening here."

Cassie took a deep breath, and suddenly, her arms were around him.

"I'm sorry for jumping all over you," she said. "I'm not trying to make you out like some kind of villain. I just… Rachel has been my best friend for my _whole life_."

Tobias hugged her back. My fingers loosened on the window.

"I understand."

"I worry about you too, you know."

"I do. Thanks."

Another silence, and then I heard Cassie laugh softly, releasing him.

"Gosh, it's so much harder to do the threatening-big-brother speech when I'm really good friends with the boyfriend."

More chuckling.

"Listen, I'm sure Rachel already offered, but I can be the big brother too. I can beat Ronnie up if you want."

"Yeah, right. Like you'd even get a chance when Rachel's through with him."

I missed whatever they said next, because Jordan chose that moment to storm into my room, all eye-rolls and scowls.

_"Would you just tell me what to fucking buy?"_

I whirled around. "Cherry tomatoes, linguine, olive oil, and garlic! _God!_"

"Was that so fucking hard?!"

"Stop _fucking_ cursing! Sara's right down the hall!"

My obnoxious sister stomped out to buy our insufferable family dinner. I returned to the window just in time to see Cassie climb into her car to meet up with her boyfriend.

And against the light of the almost-full moon, I saw the silhouette of a hawk fly up to the mountains alone.


	18. II - The Other Talk

_**II.**_

* * *

**CHAPTER EIGHTEEN - The Other Talk**

* * *

Monday morning, I still had no idea what to do about Ben.

I didn't press Cassie too much for advice, since she was riding her post-coital bliss all day yesterday and I didn't want to rain on her parade. Sunday was more or less her waltzing around the house, calling everything beautiful, and whistling as she worked on her computer. Her boyfriend reportedly had been very gentle and patient with her, so I was glad I at least didn't have "strangling Ronnie" to the massive list of things I had to do that week.

I was happy for her. I made her lots of carbs for lunch, joking that she must have burned tons of it the night before. I teased, I listened intently, eased her concerns. I gave sage sexual advice for next time. We set some ground rules for boning dudes in the house. We were the picture-perfect best friends.

At my expense, unfortunately. Cassie had to get to work early, so all I got from her regarding The Ben Thing was an unhelpful _Trust your instincts!_ text message.

Outside of battle, I didn't have many instincts that would be particularly useful. I did, however, have superhuman time management skills. I had to, in order to grow up fighting a secret alien war, get straight-A's, be a shopping superstar, and look out for my sisters and our career-driven mostly absentee parents.

These days, I apparently used those skills stalking coffee boys. I still remembered his normal Monday class schedule, and Kono had informed me that Ben's cast had been removed. It was replaced by a thinner, lighter brace that he had to wear for another two weeks, which meant he was not going to waste any more time going back to work.

So that's why I found myself loitering by the gross, slop-filled dumpsters behind the dining hall in the middle of the night. To be fair, this wasn't exactly the first time I'd had to linger around garbage. As an Animorph we did all sorts of luxurious things like turn into flies and follow the scent of a baby diaper.

"Oh, man…" I stepped on a rubbery old hamburger and I swore, smoky green lines rose from it in the shape of a cartoon skull. I pulled my shirt over my nose hoped I had guessed correctly and wouldn't have to wait long.

Sure enough, just as I had predicted, Ben emerged from the kitchen. He was dressed in a bland green apron, with a large bag of garbage in his plastic-gloved hands. He slung it into the dumpster, peeled the gloves off, and threw them in as well. That's when I chose to step out of the shadows, maybe a little bit more dramatically than I'd meant to.

"Nice hairnet."

"_Aahhh!"_ Ben cried out, jumping back into the brick wall of the building. _"Rachel!?"_

"Yeah, uh, sorry. I didn't exactly think that through," I admitted. "I just didn't want to be seen by anyone, you know? I've had just about enough of people asking if I was okay and if there was anything they could do to help. Like, thanks, but what I'd _really_ like is some room to breathe?"

I barely even finished my nervous babbling before he leapt forward and engulfed me in a tight hug that squeezed the air out of my lungs.

"Okay, forget about the breathing thing," I wheezed, hugging back. It was so good to see him again, to be so sure about embracing him. Feelings didn't matter in that moment, all we knew was that we needed to hug.

Then, very suddenly, his lips were on mine. I was too startled to even pull away but before I knew it, the kiss was over. He stumbled back, evidently as shocked as I was.

"I'm sorry. I'm sorry," he gasped. "Oh, God. Oh, man. Oh, jeez. _Jeez!_"

"It's, uh…" I trailed off, still stunned. I couldn't quite bring myself to say it was "okay". It wasn't. This was the complete opposite of okay. We hadn't even begun the Let's Just Be Friends conversation yet, and Ben had already turned the whole thing on its head. "It's...I…"

He pulled the kitchen door open, avoiding my eye.

"Come in, please, let's get inside. The stink is getting to my head."

I followed him and he shut the door behind me.

"It's...okay," I finally managed to say. Unsurprisingly, he didn't seem convinced.

"No, it's not," he said worriedly. "I basically just assaulted you. I'm so sorry. It's just, it's been so long and I thought you were dead and I was just surprised and - "

"I said it's okay," I repeated, believing it a little more that time.

"Don't suppose we could just forget about that?"

"Forgetting as we speak," I lied.

Ben stood in front of me at a safe distance, his hands firmly at his sides, like he was afraid to touch me again. He just watched me, inspected me, as if he didn't believe I was all in one piece and just needed to _see_ me.

"I heard you were back on campus," he said. "I wasn't sure if you'd try to find me, or if you didn't want… "

"Of course I wanted to find you," I said, although I don't know why I expected him to just know that. I'd been an awful friend and had made no indication that we should talk for the whole week before the shooting. "It just took a while for me to find a time and place. We don't have the same free hours on Mondays, remember?"

"Well, clearly_ you_ did," Ben grinned slowly. "But how'd you know I'd be at the dining hall? I don't usually work here, especially at this time of night."

I shuffled my feet a bit, maybe a little embarrassed at what I was about to say.

"I know you lost a lot of hours because of your arm, so when I heard you were back at work, I figured you'd want to do a little overtime to make some extra money. You work the coffee kiosk in the library until noon, and your Comp Sci lab runs pretty late, so I knew you could only do overtime for the dinner rush. The Union closes at 9 and that would only give you like, three extra hours, so I knew you'd be at one of the dining halls that are open later. This one is open the latest, until 11, so you'd get the most overtime hours from here. So I figured, end of the day, no one else would be around, and the last thing people do when they close a dining hall is…"

I waved feebly at the door that led to the horrifyingly disgusting dumpsters.

Ben stared at me._ "Wow."_

"Sorry for being creepy." I shrugged.

"No, no, not creepy. You're just like, a military strategist or something!"

"That's nothing. You should try shopping with me on Black Friday."

He laughed and motioned for me to have a seat on a stool. The kitchen was exceptionally clean, especially in comparison to the moldy cesspool of college dining waste product we had just escaped. It's white-tiled walls reminded me of newly renovated bathroom, and I could see my reflection in the stainless steel appliances and countertops. We were seated at a kitchen island, metal ladles hung precariously from hooks over our heads. It was a strange place to be close to midnight, but the weirdness was fitting for us - it was deserted, quiet, and stocked with questionable foodstuffs.

"You hungry?" he asked.

"Depends," I said cautiously.

"Good answer." He smirked as he pulled open one of the large cabinets, producing a massive, ten-pound bag of what looked like black and white aquarium gravel.

"Okay, definitely _not_ hungry."

"They're pre-crushed Oreos," he explained. "Dirt Cup day is tomorrow."

"You guys don't crush your own Oreos? They come that way?"

"They come _cheaper_ this way!" He grabbed a pair of plastic cups and poured crushed Oreos into each. He stuck a spoon in one and slid it over to me. "I think the company just finds like, the reject cookies, pounds them, and sends them off to schools."

"Delicious," I said, eyeing the cup of cookie crumbles dubiously.

"Oh, come on, you still don't trust my food?"

Amused, I set the spoon on the counter and poured some of the cookies in my mouth. I started to cough and hack, not anticipating how dry they would be. The spit was literally being sucked from my tongue from the dryness.

"What are you - !?" Ben pounded my back until I started breathing normally again. "You can't eat them like that. They need a moisturizing agent."

"_Ew."_

"I'm talking about pudding," he smirked. "Although I can't open the pudding until tomorrow, so…"

He went over to the large, industrial-grade fridge and pulled out a small milk carton. He poured a little amount into our cups and used his spoon to mash the mixture into a gross-looking paste. I followed his example until mine was about the same consistency as his, then we both tasted.

"Oh, my _God_," I groaned. _So good._

When Ben laughed at me, his teeth were speckled black and grey. It had been so long since I last saw him and his little quirks, but it took only a moment for me to remember why he was so great. He was just so easy to get along with, always smiling, laughing, and somehow effortlessly getting _me _to smile and laugh. It had been barely ten minutes and already we were buddies again.

_But he had kissed me._

"So, I got your email," I said bluntly. I noted a slight blush on his neck, but plowed on. "I'm sorry for not talking to you for so long. I wanted to reply, but I felt like it wouldn't have been right. I had to actually see you and talk to you in person."

"So you jumped me behind a dumpster in the middle of a night?" His eyebrow shot up.

"Well, duh, what was I supposed to do? Text you for a proper time and place and meet you that way?"

That got one last chuckle out of him before his expression grew serious. I knew even someone as cheerful as Ben couldn't just breeze through this particular conversation.

"This probably goes without saying, but I'm really happy to see you," he said somberly. "You were basically dead for two whole weeks. To like, everyone. We were all in mourning. I thought I'd lost you, and the last time we were together… We hadn't spoken in a week, and then you get shot in the head, and then…"

Ben was gripping his cup of cookie paste, trying to figure out what to say and make it come out in words I could understand. But I already understood. The question was, would he?

"I know," I said softly. "I know. I'm sorry. I shouldn't have left it like that. I just...you mean a lot to me, Ben. I knew I hurt you. I didn't want to make it worse. I wasn't trying to shut you out, I was just trying to give you space."

He sighed. "I don't want space."

"I thought you wanted - "

"You know what I want, Rach. But...it's not what you want."

I bit my lip.

"What exactly is it that you see in me, anyway? Because, Ben, I am an awful mess. Everything I do is this whole dramatic thing and everything I touch kind of blows up in my face," I sighed. "Man, I don't know what happened to me. It used to be that I could handle anything. Five years ago secret alien wars, high school, family, I managed it all. I was confident, passionate, focused, determined…"

Ben nodded. "Yeah."

"What do you mean, 'yeah'? You weren't there!"

"I mean yeah, _that's_ what I see in you."

I blinked at him, at a loss for words. He laughed.

"Its kind of funny how you don't see it. I don't know what you're constantly punishing yourself for, Rachel, but you are_ awesome_." He took my hand in his. "Look, you're right, I wasn't there. I'm not some hardened warrior - "

"You're not _broken_," I corrected, pulling my hand away sharply. There were times when I did wish Ben had been with us, as horrible as it sounded. I wished Ben had been there at the construction site. I wished he had been sucked into the war. I wished he had become a wild animal, and then emerged from the ruins confused and unstable. Then he and I, it would have made more sense. It would have been easier to have him in my life.

"I'm not dumb, either," he said. "I can't help you with the war stuff, I know. But I'm here for you with the stuff I _am_ good at. College. Unhealthy eating habits. Hanging out. Whatever. I'm here for that. You need that stuff too, you know. Not everything has to be a fight."

I don't even know when he took my hand again, but he was holding it, holding me from turning away. He would never understand that he was wrong about me. There was _always_ a battle to fight. First the yeerks, now the Initiative. After that, there was probably going to be something else.

"I'm sorry," I said, the words getting harder and harder to say. How many more times could I apologize to the sweetest guy I'd met in years? "But I have way too much on my plate. The Hork-Bajir and this news about the Initiative, you know Toby is due soon and we're all on alert - "

"That doesn't have to be your responsibility anymore."

"I know it doesn't _have_ to be," I said. "But, I mean, who better than me?"

I would always be an Animorph. Maybe Cassie and Marco could let other people handle it. Maybe Jake could distance himself. And they were completely justified. Unit 87 was a competent, organized government army of responsible adults. The Initiative could be handled with or without us.

But _I_ needed to help take them down. _I_ needed to be involved. It had taken three long years, but my family and friends had shown me - my place in the new world had never changed. I was still Rachel the Animorph because my sisters still thought I was strong, Cassie still thought I was selfless, Jake still thought I was brave, Mom still thought I could handle anything, and Tobias still thought I was good. Out of all of us, I was the only one left who always had fight left in her. _Who better than me?_

"And you wonder what I see in you."

I hadn't even said anything. As always, Ben just _knew. _In another alternate universe, I could have easily seen Ben and I together. A classic odd couple that just worked.

But not here, not now.

"I see a lot in you too, Ben," I said. "You're funny, you're smart, and you just seem to understand me so easily it's almost weird. You give me way more than I have to give in return. I want someone like you."

He nodded. "As a _friend_."

My stomach clenched. "Yes."

"Then, that's okay," he said, not a hint of defeat in his voice.

I stared at him silently for a few seconds. "Wait, really? You're not pissed?

"Why would I be pissed at you?"

"Because you kissed me? I just pulled a 'Let's just be friends' on you, like twenty minutes after you kissed me!" I said, guilt causing a blush on my cheeks and ears. "I won't go out with you, but I still want you around. I'm not being fair. I'm kind of being an asshole!"

The fact that he didn't respond quickly made me feel even worse.

"Rachel, missing you sucks."

"Huh?"

"Not having you around. Not hanging out, not joking around, not eating crap, not hearing from you. It sucks. Thinking you're dead sucks. I don't want to do that again. So…" He scooped a large heap of Oreo gunk into his mouth. "We're going to have to be friends and you're just going to have to deal with it."

Ben even made talking with his mouth full charming.

"Can I ask one thing?" he asked, his face determinedly neutral. "I was watching the press conference. They were airing it live until Cassie saw the guy with the gun. We heard one shot fired before they cut the feed. That last question they were going to ask...it was going to be about you and Tobias, right? The hawk? They were gonna ask about the rumors?"

I nodded quietly.

"Are the rumors true, then? You and Tobias?"

I winced. Of course there wasn't going to be an easy way of having this conversation without mentioning Tobias.

"They...were true," I confirmed. "During the war, we were a thing. Three years and then another three after the war. We broke up last year."

"Oh...wow," Ben said thoughtfully. "That's like...six years. And you're only nineteen."

He was realizing what even I hadn't. I had been in love with Tobias for a third of my entire life, since I was thirteen years old. Since before anyone would ever admit children were capable of that kind of love, I had loved him. If Tobias and I lived to be a hundred, our time together would be just a drop in the bucket. But right now, it felt like we'd been together our whole lives.

"I saw him this weekend," I said truthfully. "We're still kind of figuring things out, but…"

"I get it," he said. "You could have told me that."

I gave him a pained look. "This is what I meant about my being an asshole."

"It's fine."

"Everything else I said is true," I insisted. "About my life being hectic and the Initiative and my not having time - I mean, Tobias just knows about all that stuff. He knows me. He..."

"Loves you?"

"He understands what it's like to be me," I nodded. "More than anyone. We're in the same boat. It's just another level of, I mean, it's really hard to explain..."

Ben shook his head. "You don't have to. I mean, I'm not gonna try to get between you two or anything, if that's what you're thinking. I want to be friends."

I faltered. "I want to make sure you're not, like, waiting for me or whatever. I don't want you to think..."

"Look who suddenly thinks a whole lot of themselves now," Ben smirked. "Just friends. I'm backing off. Okay?"

I felt like there should have been a massive weight being lifted off my chest, but all I could think of was him kissing me by the dumpsters. He wouldn't have done that if he didn't have feelings for me. You couldn't be "just friends" with someone who wanted to kiss you all the time. Some of that could be contributed to being so glad to see me alive, but something about his expression, the determined and controlled happiness on his face, left me unsettled.

"Fair warning - I'm not the easiest person to be friends with."

Ben shrugged. "I've been talking to your friend Kono lately, she's been keeping me updated on you. _She_ seems to be doing okay befriending Animorphs, despite being a puny civilian."

"Well, Kono's smart."

"Gosh, thanks!"

I idly fiddled with the straps on his brace.

"I mean, she knows her limits. She knows when she's in over her head. Can you promise you won't do anything like _this_ for me again?"

He pushed my fingers away, holding up his arm and making a show of taking the brace off. Then he rolled up his sleeves and stretched out his hand until i felt it brushing against the back of my head. The place where I was shot. I wondered when people were going to stop doing that.

"Can you promise me you won't do anything like _this?_"

A pit formed in my stomach. I knew that look he was giving me. Tobias had the exact same expression a couple days ago. This was not a thing platonic friendships could have.

"Well, at least let's promise not to make out with each other or whatever," I joked awkwardly.

I caught the most subtle twitch in his cheek, a tension in his face like a fleeting shadow. Then he smirked and pretended to grab something from in front of my mouth. He pulled it back quickly and stuck his hand in his pocket.

"Um, what the hell was that?"

"That was me, taking my kiss back."

I groaned. "You _dork._"

He smiled gleefully. "If I recall correctly, you left one on me, too! Remember, in your kitchen?"

"No."

"Come on, you just gonna leave it there?" he taunted, holding his hand over his pouting lips.

"Shut up."

"Really? Seriously? You're just going to leave me here forever haunted by the feel of your - "

"_Ugh." _I snatched the imaginary kiss and pretended to shove it in my pocket. "Wait, wait, I have something else for you in here…"

My hand emerged, middle finger straight up. Ben barked out a laugh.

"Want more?" he waved his near empty cup at me.

"Hell yeah."

He turned around to get me more cookies and I frowned.

* * *

I quietly went into the house, so as not to wake Cassie. It was two in the morning and I had to get up early too, for class. I tiptoed up the stairs and went into my dark room, thoughtlessly throwing my bag onto my bed.

"Ahh! _Owww!_"

"_Arrrghh!" _I cried out, flipping on the lights and grabbing the closest weapon I could find from my desk.

Cassie was lying in my bed, half awake and rubbing her ribs, where I had just thrown my textbooks.

"What the fuck are you doing in my room?!" I yelped.

"What is in this thing, bricks!?" she grumbled, throwing my bag off the bed. "And why are you waving a pen at me?"

I threw the pen back on my desk and snatched my bag from the floor. Cassie sat up, rubbing at her eyes. She looked at my clock.

"It's after two in the morning!" she exclaimed. "Are you_ just _coming in?!"

"Yeah."

"It's a school night!"

"Look, _mom, _are you gonna tell me why you keep ending up in my bed!?" I plopped down at my desk, absently booting up my laptop.

"I didn't want you to go to bed without telling me about Ben, so I decided to wait in here in case I dozed off," she said, as if it were the most normal thing in the world and I was ridiculous for not knowing that. "Where have you been?"

I shrugged. "Actually, that's where I was. I've been with Ben."

"This late?" Cassie's eyes widened. "Oh, man. Don't tell me you had sex in the woods with him, too!"

"Why the _hell_ would we have sex in the woods?!"

"Or, I don't know. In your spot in the library or whatever."

"Jeez, Cassie, I'd say you needed to get laid if I didn't spend all weekend in your gross springtime afterglow."

She at least had the decency to blush. I decided that we as roommates had gotten to the point where I was allowed to tease her about it.

"Go to bed," I pointed at the door. "Your bed."

"But - "

"We can talk about this tomorrow!"

"But - "

"Cassie, out. Go to sleep!"

She grumbled, but obediently scooted off my bed and trudged back to her own room. I shut my door and plopped in front of my computer.

I was restless now. Ben for sure still had feelings for me, but was pretending not to, and I was letting him because I didn't want to let him go. And now I had to explain this to Cassie, and to Tobias. Or maybe just Cassie, and not Tobias. Although was lying really the best foot to start off a renewed relationship on?

"_Ugh!"_ Somehow, I had made it _more_ complicated.

So I was wired. My leg bounced under my desk as I looked at my laptop and started scrolling blindly through emails just so I had something to do. But I was mostly caught up with school work, and I had no other engagements for people to email me about.

I made the mistake of clicking on a general news site to check the weather and caught a gossip story about me possibly sleeping with a professor. A few weeks ago this was more than enough compel me into what I usually did when I was stressed out by too many things at two in the morning. But this new life I was building myself had no room for violent, bloody battles with forest animals. I got up from my desk and flopped backwards on my bed.

_There were times when I needed to be that Rachel, but now wasn't one of them. _I fought the compulsion and felt it surrender. Not completely melted away, but bubbling just below the surface like lava, waiting for the disaster that I'd need it for.

"Ellimist?" I found myself whispering. The weird part was, I didn't feel extraordinarily stupid about it. We'd all learned long ago that there was more to the universe than anyone knew. The Ellimist was barely even a myth to the most advanced races in the galaxy, but he'd made himself known to us. To me, in particular. He and that other asshole, Crayak, always seemed to have a special interest in me.

"Ellimist, dude," I said to the air. "You'd tell me if there was some other huge intergalactic destiny for me, right? Because I'm starting to get invested in my life here and it is hard as hell, so I don't want to get pulled away after all the effort, okay? Once I'm happy, when I'm finally enjoying myself, you're not fucking touching me anymore. Do not fuck this up for me."

Suddenly my laptop started to ring. I shot up in my bed and stared, nearly wetting myself.

"Uhhhh…?!" I scrambled back to my desk, and saw that my laptop had automatically signed me in to Skype. The Ellimist contacting me via the internet would actually _not _be the most unbelievable thing to ever happen to me.

The window popped up, informing me that an _Aximili3232857_ was trying to connect a videochat. I accepted the call with a sigh of relief.

"Hello?"

Ax's voice came up before the actual image, but after a few seconds I could see him clearly. I was startled to see that he was in his human morph. It made sense, since Skype was probably a century or so away from being able to transmit thoughtspeak, but the human Ax was exactly the same as it was when he first morphed it six years ago.

He grinned at me with Cassie's eyes and my cheekbones. His mouth was all Marco, and his eyes scrunched up with his smile just like Jake's did. But it wasn't just that, I was looking at a thirteen year old boy. The rest of us had gotten taller, gained a little weight in some places, the guys all got hairier. Ax's human morph was frozen in time, a time when all of us barely even had a clue. It was a strange thought, that the four of us still lingered in Ax exactly as we were so long ago in Cassie's barn.

"Rachel?"

"Oh, hey, Ax!" I shook off the weirdness and greeted him.

"It's good to see you again after so long. Long-guh. Nguh," he said. "Even if it is through this primitive form - formmmuh - of communication."

I made a face. "We are video-chatting! This is cutting edge!"

Ax made a depreciative noise. Then he made it again, because he enjoyed the sound.

"What do you want, a hologram?"

"Holoo-ohhh-gram?" he scoffed. "Are you joking?"

I forced a smile. "What's up Ax? How are you doing over there?"

"I am very well, thank you. Operations-shunsss at the Royan Island base are running smoothly as of yet," he said cheerfully. "I do regret that I have been so busy that I haven't had the time to see you yet. At least since your release from the hospital. Pit-allll."

"Aw, Ax, I'm sorry I didn't get a chance to visit you either."

"You look very healthy. Theeee. Much better than how you looked during your period of clinical brain death."

"Uhhh, thanks?"

"How is college? Have you been hazed?"

I blinked at him. "What?"

"Hazed. Zzzzed. Into a social group arbitrarily named for random letters of the Greek alphabet. Have you won the beer pong? Ponggg-guh. Have you been streaking?"

"Ax!"

"I assume you will be keeping the sexual exploration to a minimum, mini-minimumm, given that you've reconciled with Tobias and are once again in a monogamous - "

I scowled. "Ax, first of all, where the hell are you getting college information from?"

"Your own human internet."

I cringed. "You should probably avoid learning human behavior from the internet. But wait, how do _you_ know about Tobias and I? And do not say internet, because I will - "

"I spoke to Marco earlier this afternoon," Ax explained.

"How did _he_ know?!"

"I do not know, but he did mention speaking - eekinggg - to Cassie this morning?"

My eyes darted in the direction of Cassie's room. That little…

"Why, is it a secret?" Ax was frowning.

"No...I just…" I hesitated. "I just want it kept on the downlow. I don't want it to be public knowledge yet, that's all. Just between us, me and Tobias. And I guess Cassie and Marco and you."

He nodded sagely, a habit I was glad to see he had retained even after so many years away from us.

"Believe-eeeve me, I understand. I won't say any more."

My eyebrow quirked. "You understand, huh?"

Ax couldn't control the pink on his human face.

"Anyway, I was just going to attempt contacting you tomorrow, but I hadn't realized you would be online at this hour," he said quickly. I smirked. It seemed like Ax had a little Andalite lady-friend, and he was flustered enough to stop playing with his mouth sounds. "I already spoke to Marco, Tobias and Prince Jake about this, but I am extending an invitation to all of you. It has been too long since we were all together, so I would like for all of us to meet up here at the base for an afternoon. Ooon."

"That sounds really nice," I said, pleased at the idea. I never thought the day would come where I would be happy to see everyone all at once again. "I mean, I don't know about Jake, he's all the way in Hawaii…"

"He informed me that he would be coming home for the holiday, Thanksgiving, I think he said it was called," Ax explained. "Prince Jake will be off duty for a full week. I also believe it will be close to the nineteenth anniversary of Cassie's date of birth, which I know humans enjoy celebrating."

"Right, her birthday is just a couple days after Thanksgiving this year."

"It was Prince Jake's idea, but we all agree that it would be nice to organize a celebration here at the base," Ax said. "Just the six of us, so as to combine our reunion with another happy occasion. It will not be the exact date of her birth, but since we will all be present…"

"That sounds great!" I exclaimed. It would certainly beat her 18th birthday. Marco threw her a party at one of his clubs, but she was so overwhelmed by lights, music, and barely-clothed guests she didn't even know that she spent most of it in the big posh bathroom trying to call me. I wasn't at the party because I had broken up with Tobias two days prior and was on a secret rampage that I could barely even stand to think about now.

Basically, we could stand Cassie in front of a giant target and have blind people throw knives at her and it would _still_ be a better birthday than last year.

"Saturday, November 20th?"

"I'm looking forward to it," I said happily. "We'll work out the details with the others later."

"Excellent. Sleep well, Rachel. It was a pleasure to see you."

"Likewise. G'night, Ax."


	19. II - Kind Of A Weird Day

_**II.**_

* * *

**CHAPTER NINETEEN - Kind Of A Weird Day**

* * *

Marco handed me the cell phone.

"Untraceable. Beefed up security, works on any cellular network. Andalite super-battery. Waterproof. Crushproof. Freezeproof. _And_ a 3.2 megapixel camera!"

I made a face.

"When I asked if you had a spare cell phone I meant a _regular_ cell phone."

"Oh please," Marco rolled his eyes. "I know what it's for. Now that you and Bird Boy are going at it again, you want him to have a booty call phone, and believe me, if he's gonna be using a cell phone in the forest, that's the one he needs."

I flipped it open and closed skeptically. It looked a lot more old-fashioned than he was saying, but he claimed an old school casing was needed for its larger size. A modern cell phone wouldn't have been able to fit all the necessary components.

It was a Wednesday afternoon and I had dropped by Marco's after my last class. I had called him the day before to see if he had an extra cell phone, because he just seemed like the type who would, and didn't mention what I needed it for. It figured that he'd catch on right away.

"So, Marco...now that you know about Tobias and I...I just wanted to make sure that, like…"

"That I don't blab it to everyone I meet? Duh."

"It's complicated."

"Duh."

"Me and Tobias are taking it slow, we have a lot to catch up on and work out."

"Duh."

"And I don't really want it spreading around until - "

"Rachel, _duh."_

Despite our relationship being little more than a constant stream of bickering and irritation, there were many times when Marco and I understood each other more than anyone else. We both had difficult childhoods, we could both be hard-headed and ruthless, and we both had a lot more going on our minds than we ever really let on. It made us similarly sarcastic, skeptical, and more pessimistic than not. It was really just the defense mechanisms we hid behind that made us so different. Other than his obnoxious need to joke around and my bothersome propensity for violence, technically, we had more in common with each other than our own best friends. It was never hard for me to guess what Marco was really thinking, under all the aggravating charm. The reverse was also the same. So instead of pressing the issue, I merely rolled my eyes and pocketed the cell phone.

"How much do I owe you for this?"

"Your money is no good here!" he scoffed. "I wouldn't know how to price it, anyway. I built that with one of Ax's friends from the base."

"You _made_ this?" I asked incredulously.

"Yeah. I worked on that laptop of yours too, remember?"

"Why are you even a freaking TV host?" I demanded. Marco had always been kind of a techy computer nerd, he was the only one that vaguely understood Ax when he talked about technology. I hadn't realized he'd gotten this good, though.

He shrugged. "It's fun. I hope that laptop is holding up under all your porn-surfing."

Marco ducked behind the his mini bar just in time to avoid my lightly swinging fist and started looking for drink mixes. Whenever anyone stopped by he always managed to con us into sticking around for a while. I guessed the big huge mansion got lonely sometimes.

"No alcohol. I'm driving home," I warned.

"Suuuure."

"Seriously, Marco!"

His stupid, spiky head popped up from behind the counter, flashing me freakishly bleached-white TV show teeth.

"How is Bird Boy, anyway? I haven't actually seen him since you were still in that coma."

"He's fine," I said plainly. It had been another whole week and I knew Tobias was still worried about Heather. They had been friends and partners, and it was killing him that they had no new leads on the Initiative. I wanted to think our reunion was helping him through it, at least. "Keeping himself busy with the Hork-Bajir and stuff, flying around, you know. The usual."

Marco produced a pitcher filled with something that was suspiciously bright green and poured out two glasses. He slid one over to me, with a coaster in the shape of the letter "M".

"I call it Marco's Secret Grasshopper," he said proudly.

I sniffed it cautiously. "Smells strong."

"No alcohol."

"It smells like alcohol."

"It's not. One of the ingredients just smells like that."

"What is it?"

"_Secret_ Grasshopper, Rachel."

I swirled the tiny plastic sword he'd put in the glass. Without waiting for me, he started drinking his own. I guessed I could probably just morph if he was lying. It seemed to work with everything else, why wouldn't it reset my blood alcohol content?

"Hey, so, I've got a movie premiere to attend next Tuesday. It's about Alexander the Great. Angelina Jolie, Val Kilmer…"

I took a sip. It was good, but I couldn't tell what was in it. Definitely something sweet and minty, but what was making it such a bright green?

"...Anthony Hopkins, Rosario Dawson…"

I snorted. Marco knew I hated public events, red carpet movie premieres in particular. It wasn't the red carpet itself I had any issue with, on the contrary, I totally enjoyed watching these events on TV and making judgements on everyone's outfits. The experience was a completely different horror on the other end, though. Too many photographers, too many insufferable questions, too much screaming, too much bullshit.

"...Colin Farrell…"

I looked up. "When was it again?"

"I knew that'd interest you," he mocked. "Next Tuesday?"

"Oh, a school night," I shook my head. It was just as well. It would have been my first public appearance since getting out of the hospital, and the press would have been particularly fierce around me. I'd have to ogle Colin Farrell another time. "I have a big test on Wednesday and I have to study."

Marco smirked. "You're skipping out on a Hollywood movie premiere for homework? Loser."

"Just chain that tall Russian girl to your arm again like you always do. Whats-her-face?" I pursed my lips, trying to remember her name. All that was coming to mind were her boobs. "Booblana?"

"Oh, Svetlana. We broke up five days ago."

I blinked in surprise. "You _what!?_"

"Yeah, she dumped me when I told her I couldn't go with her to her shoot in Milan," he shrugged and disappeared behind the bar again. "We were growing apart, not that we were ever that close anyway. I saw this coming. It's fine. Fun while it lasted."

He emerged with his laptop, just in time to see me struggling to keep a straight face.

"Still, Marco, I'm here for you. I know it'll take some time for you to get over her..._taste in music._"

Marco laughed. "You never liked her."

"Oh, I hated that bitch." I winced into my glass. "Sorry."

He turned his laptop towards me. "It's okay. Really, I get it."

"Yeah, well, I notice you're not exactly heartbroken and sobbing into a pint of Ben &amp; Jerry's."

"Believe me, neither is she," Marco said. He pulled the laptop open and the screen powered on. Svetlana was on the main page of the Entertainment Daily website, under the headline, _"SUPERMODEL SPOTTED WITH NEW MAN LESS THAN A WEEK AFTER BREAK-UP WITH ANIMORPH"._

"Ouch."

"Right? The guy looks like a Greek god."

I looked at the picture, of course feeling badly for my friend, but also thinking of something else. Eventually, I decided that there was absolutely no reason to tiptoe around the subject. Marco wasn't going to need a lot of time to get over this breakup.

"You know, Kono is totally into you."

Marco nearly choked on his grasshopper.

"What?!"

"Don't get me wrong, I think she deserves so much better than you," I added, before his already huge head bloated up even more. "But for whatever reason, she really likes you. So unless you decide to score with another airhead - "

"Is that why she's taking that sudden leave of absence since Svetlana and I broke it off?" he wondered.

I nodded. "She probably thinks its weird to be pining for you while you're mourning the loss of Svetlana's _taste in music_."

A small smile popped up on his face. "Kono…?"

"Uh-huh."

He whipped out his cell phone but I quickly snatched it from him before he made a huge mistake.

"Hey!"

"Are you crazy?," I snapped. "You can't ask her out five days after you broke up with your last girlfriend!"

"She was barely even my girlfriend," Marco protested. "We just had lots of sex in really cool places!"

"Ew. _Ew!_"

"I really, _really_ like Kono," he pleaded.

"Great, but have some class," I said reasonably. "She's avoiding you to give you space. Take that time, be cool. You don't want her to think you're some manwhore that jumps from one girl to another, do you?"

"But Svetlana's already sleeping with some guy in Milan - "

"You do _not_ want her to think you're like Svetlana." He pouted and reached for his phone, but I held it out of his reach. "Do _not _call her. Wait for her to call you and say she's ready to come back to work. Then talk to her in person."

"Looks like _someone's_ gotten really cocky about being a relationship guru," Marco grumbled. I wrinkled my nose at him and downed the rest of my drink. Whatever it was, it was really good. As soon as I put it down, he filled it up with more.

Just then, Marco's phone started to vibrate. I glanced at the screen.

"It's Jake," I said, mildly surprised. I answered it and put it on speakerphone.

"Whoa, you know how to use a Blackberry?" Marco asked, impressed. "It wasn't that long ago I found your phone wrapped in duct tape because the battery cover fell off and you didn't know how to snap it back on.

"Cassie has one. She let's me check my email on it."

"Who sends _you _email?"

"People."

"Professors?"

"Shut up. Other people email me."

"Professors and Cassie?" he teased.

"Shut _up._"

"So basically your roommate who you see every day sends you email so you can check it on her Blackberry? Is that an accurate summary of your social life?"

I glared at him over my glass as I took some sips.

"Uhh…" Jake's voice sounded loudly from the phone. "Hi?"

"Hey, Jake, what's up?" I greeted, maintaining the poisonous look I was giving Marco.

"Rachel? Did I accidentally…?"

"Jake, buddy!"

"Marco? Wait, who did I call?"

"I stole Marco's phone so he doesn't make any poor decisions," I explained. "And now you're on speaker."

"Ohh, gotcha. Well, no, but I never understood either of you, anyway. I was gonna call you, Rachel, but I wasn't sure if you were at your house with Cassie."

"Huh? So what if I was?"

"I just gonna ask if you guys have any details figured out for Cassie's birthday at the base?"

"Open bar!" Marco declared immediately.

"Surprise party?" I suggested louder, giving him a good, hard pinch. Jake was a recovering addict trying to stay sober. Marco cringed, realizing his mistake.

"Oooh, surprise party sounds good," he said quickly, trying to erase his open bar idea. "Is that what you were trying to get at?"

"Yeah, that's what I was thinking," Jake said. "It's not on her real birthday, so she wouldn't expect it. It's just us, and it's private, we could bring food and music and stuff…"

"I don't think she'd want it too crazy," I mused, pleased at the idea. "Not after last year. I have dibs on bringing cake."

Marco swiveled his laptop back to face him. "I'll DJ. I don't trust any of you clowns with the music. I'll start working on a playlist tonight."

"I guess I can pick up some pizzas and stuff," Jake mused. "Salad, soda. Maybe some decorations…"

I peered down at the Blackberry suspiciously. Jake was getting awfully involved in planning Cassie's party, despite being nearly three thousand miles out on the Pacific Ocean and not arriving until the day before. Marco glanced at me with the exact same expression.

"Whoa, hey, Jake, leave something for Tobias to bring, man," Marco joked.

"Oh. Right, I heard about you and Tobias, Rach. I'm glad you guys are trying to work it out."

I threw my hands up in exasperation. "How do _you_ know?!"

Marco shrugged at me sheepishly. "I didn't think you didn't want Jake to know!"

"Why wouldn't you want me to know?" he asked.

I groaned. "I - never mind. I don't care if you know, just...keep it within us, please?"

"Duh."

"You know, everyone keeps 'duh'-ing me and yet somehow it's spreading like wildfire."

Marco tapped on his computer. "As long as we're not seeing anything on _Entertainment Daily_, I think we're good."

Jake cleared his throat, just like he did back in the day when we strayed too far off topic. Or at least, the topic he wanted to talk about. "So we're pretty much set for Cassie's birthday, then?"

"Yes, oh Fearless Leader," Marco teased. "I'm picking you up that Friday, right? Ten in the morning at LAX?"

"Yeah, thanks Marco." In the background, I heard a knock and someone call Jake's name. "Okay, I'll catch up with you guys later. I gotta go."

"Later," we both said.

Jake hung up and I handed the phone back to Marco. We both just sat quietly sipping on our drinks, contemplating what had just happened. It was Marco who said it first.

"This is weird."

"This is _so _weird," I agreed.

"This whole afternoon is just…" Marco shook his head in amusement. "Me and you hanging out at my bar, talking about relationships? Jake calling us up to plan a surprise birthday party for Cassie? Teasing, messing around, talking about our lives? Not one mention of aliens or terrorism or life-threatening disaster?"

"I'm inexplicably uncomfortable right now."

"Tobias is with you again. Jake has an actual life. Cassie isn't a virgin. You're giving me girl advice. Rachel, this is fucking_ Twilight Zone._"

"It's almost like - wait, how'd you know about Cassie?!"

Marco winked. "I didn't, until just now. But I could tell. I asked her to the movie premiere yesterday and she was practically _singing._"

"Always good to know I'm the backup plan."

"She's a little less prone to breaking paparazzi knee-caps," he snickered. "She couldn't come either, though. You...you think Kono would come with me?"

"I"ll drop some hints that she should call you," I assured him. "Give her until the weekend, maybe. But fair warning, I think she has school stuff the next day, too."

"Right."

Another beat of silence.

"This is so weird," he said again.

"_So. Weird." _

"The calm before the storm?"

"Being Animorphs has made us cynical," I sighed. "Maybe this is just our lives now. Being in relationships, hanging out at each other's houses, calling each other on the phone. Planning fun get-togethers. Maybe we're...normal now?"

He gave me a look and I laughed.

"Yeah. Some kind of shit is definitely about to hit the fan," I shuddered. "Just what, and when?"

Marco's brow furrowed. "Hey, did you think it was kinda funny, Jake being so obsessed with Cassie's party?"

"Like he might still have feelings for her and something immeasurably awkward is going to happen that may or may not completely destroy the steady course all our lives are suddenly taking?" I offered.

"Uh, yeah."

"Maybe. Tough to tell."

"I really, really hope not," he ran his hands through his hair. "Jake's been through enough and Cassie's so happy now."

"Although, at the same time, if that's the worst thing that could happen to us…" I shook my head and got up, leaving my empty glass on the coaster. "Okay, I should go. I had a good day, I don't need to rain on it with paranoia. Thanks for the phone."

"Sure, yeah, good night." He paused. "Oh, wait!"

"Huh?"

"You should probably morph or something."

Morph? I didn't fly over to his mansion, Marco saw me pull up in my Toyota and he's the one that had the valet pick it up.

"Before getting behind the wheel," he clarified, grinning mischieviously.

I looked down at my glass.

"You _dick,_ I knew it!"

* * *

It was just about five in the evening by the time I finished yelling at Marco and made it home. I parked and just sat in the driver's seat, feeling vaguely like I was forgetting something. My backpack was in the seat next to me and I slung it over my shoulder. It was something about school. I was forgetting something about homework, maybe?

That was when the phone started ringing, pushing all thoughts of productivity out of my head. It was a light, musical noise - definitely not _my_ thunderous trumpeting ringtone. I dug around in my bag and held up the new phone I'd gotten Tobias. That wasn't it, the thing wasn't even powered on.

_Ding-a-ling lingg! Ding-ding-a-ling!_

I squirmed around in my seat, trying to find the source of the noise. Nothing in the center console, nothing in the glove compartment. I climbed into the back seat and managed to follow the noise to the pull-down armrest. When I opened it up I found a thin silver cell phone resting in the cupholder, ringing even louder now that it was in the open. The number on the screen read "Unavailable".

Where did this thing come from? I looked around, but of course, there was no one. Whoever had planted this in my car had done it while I was at Marco's, or maybe even before then.

"Hello?" I answered it, against my better judgement.

"Hello! Rachel Berenson?"

The voice sounded only vaguely familiar, but he didn't seem threatening. On the contrary, he sounded very pleasant. It didn't sound like it was being warped or modified in any way, either.

"Who is this?"

"This is General Doubleday."

"Oh." I said, surprised. General Sam Doubleday, our old ally from the later days of the war. He was one of the few adults, and pretty much the only person of any human rank that we confronted about the yeerks. He lost almost his entire army in the same attack where we lost the Auxiliary Animorphs. Their loss hit him hard. He was only on our side for less than a week, but he'd already managed to suffer an entire war's worth of tragedy. I hadn't seen much of him since the the warcrime trials. After it was all over, he was promoted to Head of Homeland Security by the President.

And later, as Tobias had told me, he took up command of Unit 87.

"_Oh!"_

"It's been a while, I hope this isn't an inconvenient time."

"No, this is the _most_ convenient time to huddle in my backseat and talk to the head of a secret anti-terrorism organization," I said sarcastically, my eyes darting around cautiously again for any eavesdroppers.

"Ha! Just as blunt as ever. It's a good thing I had some of my agents tail you as you drove home to make sure you were alone in the car before I called."

I felt a tingle down the back of my neck. "You...what?"

"Put your hand on your car window, palm against the glass with your fingers spread apart. Tap it twice."

I was too stunned to do anything but follow his direction. As soon as I did, I saw two large black crows shoot out of a tree and land gently onto the roof of my house. One of them waved a wing at me awkwardly.

[Hi, Rachel,] a thoughtspeak voice said. [My name's Marissa. Sorry I had to follow you around all afternoon. And for breaking into your car. And, um, sorry.]

[I'm Andre,] a distinctly gruffer thoughtspeak voice added. I could guess which one was the crow that waved. They both were now obediently scanning the area.

"They're two of our agents," Doubleday explained. "It was just a precaution."

"Well, what a delightful invasion of my privacy," I said scathingly. It was a strange feeling to have other morphers around that you didn't know. Especially if they were stalking you.

"Yes, sorry, but there weren't many ways to contact you securely. And since I figured we were old friends…"

"You figured you could break into my car, drop a phone into my back seat, call me from a hidden number, and spy on me?"

"I understand this may seem rather alarming - "

"No, I really don't think you do," I replied, a tinge of anger in my voice. "Why didn't you just come over yourself?"

"I'm in Washington right now. I'll be visiting California this weekend, though, to meet you properly. I make a point to get to know each and every agent under my employ. The purpose of my phone call this evening is to make sure, before my arrival, that you are in fact interested in being a part of our organization."

"Why didn't you just send Tobias to spy on me, then? Or even just have him _hand_ me this stupid phone?"

"I thought it best if I presented the opportunity while you were alone...without pressure or influence."

_Ah._ They didn't want risk Tobias swaying my decision away. He'd already done that once, without my knowing. I was willing to bet they hadn't even told him they were contacting me today, now, on the off-chance that he was around.

"I can't believe I'm saying this, but what if I am? Interested, I mean."

General Doubleday chuckled. "It would be excellent. We are more than willing to set up an amenable time and place that's secure. It would be an honor to have you join us, Rachel. Normally there would have been a disciplinary action for Tobias revealing our secrets, but we've had our eyes on you for quite a while. The organization was delighted to hear about your recent availability."

"Yeah...my availability." Meaning Tobias was actually letting them ask me now, and they jumped at the chance. Doubleday knew full well exactly what had gone down, it was cute how he was trying to downplay it. If that's even what was going on here. "How do I even know you're who you say you are?"

"I thought you might be skeptical. It would be hard to prove over the phone..."

"Right. So I'm gonna meet up with a voice on the phone, alone, in a top secret 'secure' place of your choosing with no one allowed to know where I am," I rolled my eyes. "Sounds like a plan."

He paused and took a deep breath. "James, Craig, Erica, Collette, Timmy, Kelly - "

"Stop," I barked. He was listing them. The Auxiliary Animorphs we'd lost in battle. They had been fighting with him and his men, and General Doubleday apparently had all their names burned into him just like we did. No one else would have understood their significance to the Animorphs personally, even if they did happen to memorize every name on the engravings at the children's hospital. "Okay. Just...stop. I believe you."

"And you don't have to come alone," Doubleday assured me. "Bring Tobias. No doubt he will find out sooner than later, and there would be no stopping him from showing up, anyway. There will be a lot of details to discuss for your potential involvement in Unit 87. It might be easier to orient yourself with someone you trust."

"Okay…"

"Rachel, I should warn you. Unit 87 is a fledgling organization. Our numbers are not impressive, our network is not as widespread as it should be, and our resources are limited. Although, we do possess technology gifted to us by our Andalite allies. There are occasions, however, when we utilize their technology in ways not officially sanctioned by the Andalite-Human Applied Sciences Act. We hold secrets not even the President knows. If anything sensitive is disclosed to the wrong parties it would mean a world of hurt not even just for us, but perhaps the human race and our relationship with aliens that are very much our technological superiors. We take confidentiality very, very seriously here. We have many enemies and precious few friends. Some of us have already lost our lives or gone missing, as you may know. It is extremely dangerous to be one of us."

He stopped and waited for me to answer.

"Rachel?"

"Oh, are you done? Was that all?"

"Er, yes. Do you understand the jeopardy you would be putting yourself in?"

"I was an _Animorph_," I reminded him. Doubleday had basically just described a toned-down, vanilla version of my teenage years. His little disclaimer was about as scary as a Goosebumps book.

"Is...that confirmation of your understanding?"

"Yeah, sure."

General Doubleday cleared his throat. "How does Saturday morning sound?"

"That's fine," I said. Cassie would forever more be suspicious about my 'out studying' excuse, but I could easily claim I wanted to spend time alone with Tobias. My disappearance wouldn't be too strange. "Just give me a time and place."

"We can meet at the apartment Tobias and Heather Bergen shared. We already know it's safe and it's in your area, less than an hour from your own home. There are also quite a few important - "

My mind completely and utterly blanked.

"Tobias and Heather's _what?!_" I demanded. They had a_ what?! Together!?_

Pause.

"I'm sorry, I assumed you at least knew they had an apartment. He and Heather used it as their primary living arrangement, but it was mostly a front for their base of operations. They were partners in most cases. Other than our headquarters, a few of our agents have designated bases such as small apartments or disguised warehouses. It is merely a matter of convenience, since our west coast headquarters can be difficult to get to regularly. All are secured with human and Andalite technology to prevent breaches from all kinds of threats, alien or otherwise. They are also all connected to the headquarters. I don't want to get into too many details right now, but we have a…"

I was blanking again as General Doubleday carried on about Unit 87 safety measures.

Tobias and Heather _lived together_. Why hadn't Tobias told me this? Being roommates with someone didn't mean anything was going on, I knew that. _I_ had a roommate. But the fact that he didn't even want to mention something like this was a huge red flag. A pit had formed in my stomach and the more I thought about it, the more it churned. He had been living with another woman. I wanted to give him the benefit of the doubt, that it really was just a "base of operations", but there was no other reason he would hide this from me, was there?

"Rachel?"

"Huh?"

"Did you get the address?"

"Oh, no…" I said hoarsely. "Tell me again?"

"45 Henry Street, Apartment B. You should write it, in case you forget."

I didn't need a pen or paper. The address was stamped pretty prominently in my brain. We'd been back together for two weeks now and I was dumb enough to think we were done having secrets. Tobias had _lived_ with Heather. They shared a _primary living arrangement_.

"I got it," I said weakly.

"We will see you then. If you don't mind, would you just make a fist and knock on your window three times?"

I made a fist and rapped at the glass. The two crows on my roof took off.

[Bye, Rachel! It was nice to meet you! Even though this was kind of awkward. Sorry again! Take care!]

[Good-bye.]

"Have Andre and Marissa gone?" Doubleday asked.

"Uh, yeah."

"Thank you. Have a good evening, Rachel."

"Yeah. Wait! Uh, should I keep this phone?"

"No. It's burner phone. It will disable itself three seconds after I hang up. Make sure to place it on a hard, non-flammable surface. It was a pleasure to speak with you, Rachel. Good-bye."

"Wait, wha - ?!" The phone went dead and I instinctively tossed it away into the passenger seat at the front of the car. When it hit the rubber floor mat I saw a bright blue spark and heard a loud popping noise. There was a high-pitched screech, and then the screen cracked. A tiny plume of white smoke billowed from the keypad.

As I sat there staring at the exploded cell phone, I started to feel overwhelmed. I had gone through this day just fine. I had sat through school, pondered relationships with Marco, talked to the head of a secret organization, been stalked by two birds, watched a cell phone explode in my car, all standard average-day things to happen in the life of Rachel Berenson. Nothing I couldn't handle.

But the idea of Tobias and Heather together in an apartment. In a bedroom. In a bed? My heart started to pound and I gripped the handle on the car door. Maybe it was the fumes coming from the destroyed phone, but it was getting hard to breathe. Tobias couldn't explain this away, could he?

I started to hear another tinkling musical noise. I groaned.

"How many fucking cell phones are hidden in my car?!" I looked around again, but all I could find were my own cell phone and the one I wanted to give Tobias. Both were silent. It took me another few seconds to realize the music was coming from_ outside_ my car.

I looked up the street and watched as an ice cream truck started rolling up to our house, slowing to a stop at the driveway.


	20. II - Kind Of A Weird Day (Part 2)

_**II.**_

* * *

**CHAPTER TWENTY - Kind Of A Weird Day (Part 2)**

* * *

The ice cream truck pulled over right behind me. It's music went silent and Ben hopped out of the driver's side. I was so disoriented by the past few minutes that it took me another moment to realize that no, this wasn't weird at all - I'd forgotten the school let him keep the ice cream truck after he'd crashed it.

Ben walked over, waving at me curiously. I opened my door and climbed out.

"Are you okay?" he asked, confused.

"I'm just having one of those days," I said vaguely. Seeing him put me a little on edge. Even though I knew he was perfectly safe now, he'd come dangerously close witnessing a part of my life that he never should. The reason I had to hold him at a distance.

"Why were you sitting in the back seat of your car?"

I laughed nervously. "I was...looking for my phone?"

He peered inside. "There are like two cell phones right there. And - whoa! Is that smoke? Something's burning in there!"

Before I could scramble back into the car and beat him to it, Ben had pushed me safely out of the way and peered in, blocking my view.

"Wait - no - !"

He pulled his X-Men t-shirt over his nose and cautiously crawled inside. "It's another cell phone!"

"Oh, that's just…" I wasn't sure if there was anything incriminating on the remains of the phone, but Ben was smart _and_ an engineer. What if there was something strange about the phone that he could see? "I was just at Marco's to pick up a couple used cell phones for...the Hork-Bajir. He gave me two, but as soon as I got home that one just _exploded_."

Ben poked at it cautiously, before deciding it was safe enough to tug his sleeve over his hand and pick it up. He inspected it and whistled.

"No way! This is a nice phone. Motorola Razr, these things are supposed to be tough. Did you tell him yet? Did Marco say why it would blow up like this?"

"He, uh… You know, those cheap Chinese batteries." I cringed. "I mean, no offense - "

"First of all, I'm _Canadian_." He rolled his eyes. "Second of all, I'm an engineer. I know what you meant. But you need to be careful with that other one. If this one blew, that one's likely to as well, if they're from the same manufacturer. Let me take a look at the other - "

"No!" I said, hiding Tobias's cell phone out of reach. "I mean, it's dangerous, isn't it? I'll just get rid of the battery."

Ben looked at me strangely, but backed off. "Are you sure? Cassie told me once that you don't even know how to put a battery cover back on and you had to duct tape - "

"That was one time!"

"Well, promise me you won't turn it on, okay?"

"Okay, jeez." I shoved Tobias's and my phone into my backpack reached out to take the broken phone from him. It had already stopped smoking, at least. "Let's just throw that one away. Here, let me - "

He shook his head. "Uh-uh. You can't throw this in the regular garbage. Not with this kind of battery. Let's grab a plastic bag from inside my truck. I'll put it in there and tomorrow I'll get rid of it in my lab's waste disposal."

He started to go over to his truck, waving me along. "Come on, now's as good a time as any to show you my new ride!"

I couldn't help but smile. It was my first time ever in the back of an ice cream truck and I felt 6-year-old me's heart flutter in excitement. "How'd you know my childhood dream was to tour an ice cream truck?"

"It's everyone's childhood dream!"

"Man, you sure know how to show a girl a good time," I joked, realizing too late that maybe it was slightly inappropriate. Ben blushed, but showed me his empty stainless steel freezers and the sliding window, complete with ice cream stickers and menus. None of the appliances were plugged in, so of course there was no ice cream, but it was exciting nonetheless.

He found a bag and put the broken phone in one of the cabinets for safekeeping. Then we climbed into the cab and just sat there.

"What's this?" I said, pointing at a red switch in the dash. I made a move to flick it, but Ben grabbed my wrist.

"Hey, you don't know what that does!" he admonished. "That switch could eject us into the stratosphere for all you know."

"It says 'music' right under there."

"That doesn't mean you just push every red button you see."

I rolled my eyes. "I've made it this far on that philosophy and I'm just fine."

"Fine. Flick the switch," he dared. I did. The tinkling ice cream truck music started up.

"Oh, the horror," I said dryly.

He laughed and I saw him raise his arm, as if about to put it around my shoulders, but he stopped himself and looked away. I felt my ears heat up and I slid over a little bit further from him in my seat. The ice cream music just made it even more awkward, somehow. At some point, I hoped Ben would get over his feelings for me, but I knew firsthand that was easier said than done. It took me a whole excruciating year to get over Tobias, and even then, I never did. It was why just knowing for a fact that Tobias lived with Heather was eating me up on the inside. It was why when he hurt me, inadvertently or not, it was really, _really_ painful.

Not that it was anything like that with Ben's feelings for me, though. Was it? He'd get over me. Wouldn't he?

Was I hurting Ben?

I pointed at a tiny little hole next to the switch, desperate to move things along. "What's that?"

"That's an auxiliary jack, where you could hook up your own music from your iPod or whatever. It would play on the external speakers."

"It doesn't have to be ice cream truck music?"

Ben shook his head proudly. "I could blast The Maroon 5 from the my truck and you'd hear it for miles."

"Okay. I'm outta here." I pushed open the cab door and jumped out.

"What?"

"_Maroon 5?"_

"Not a fan?" he smirked.

"Get off my property," I pointed at the street. "Cassie has a shotgun."

He held up his hands in surrender. "I'd try to speed away but this baby can't go more than like, forty-five miles per hour."

"Wow, you must be a hit on the California freeways."

Ben smirked. "Ice cream trucks spread joy and happiness. No one would get mad at an ice cream truck, right?"

"Slow ones that don't even have ice cream? Nahhh…"

He snorted and climbed down with his bookbag. "Are you really kicking me out for this?"

"Well…"

"Fine, no Maroon 5. Switchfoot? Hoobastank?"

I pretended to vomit. He was certainly making it easier to keep him at a distance now.

"How about we stop talking about music and just go into your kitchen and eat whatever's in your freezer?"

I laughed and pulled him along by his backpack strap as we made our way into the house. Ben had effortlessly put me at ease, as he always did. Awful taste in sentimental pop rock aside, I still really wanted him around. I opened the door to the kitchen and pointed at the table so he would sit. He obediently pulled out two chairs for both of us.

"This day definitely calls for lots and lots of mint chocolate chip, and I know for a fact Cassie got some yesterday."

"You know, that's the second time you've made a comment like that. What happened?"

"Just another long, long day in the life of Rachel Berenson," I said, digging into the freezer. "School. Midterms. I had to go to Marco's and that's always a trip…"

Then I get a call from a secret military organization that had been stalking me all afternoon and now wants to recruit me, and I found out my boyfriend had been living with another woman for months and was hiding it from me.

"...and then your phone exploded?"

"...yeah. And then my phone exploded, right before an ice cream truck pulls into my driveway."

Ben laughed. "Okay, we'll have some mint chocolate chip, but right after we're gonna have to get down to business."

I stared at him. "Huh?"

"Calculus? The real reason I'm here? You asked me yesterday to come over to help you out," he reminded me. I slapped myself on the forehead.

"Oh, my God!" _That_ was what I had forgotten, shortly before General Doubleday called. Yesterday at school Ben had found me drowning in textbooks and I'd begged him to help me with my Calculus midterm._ I _was the one who made him come all this way. "Oh, man, I'm sorry! It must have slipped my mind, with all the stuff going on!"

He shrugged it off casually. "It's fine. No one really _wants _to remember to study for Calculus. But we're gonna, and no amount of ice cream is gonna stop us."

Ben took my bag and pulled out my Calculus notes, spreading them across the table. I put the carton on the counter and opened up the cabinet for some bowls and spoons, determined not to think about the last time we'd done the studying thing here in the kitchen. He was probably thinking the same thing.

"Hey, uh, can I use your bathroom?" he asked. Inside my bag, phone started to ring.

"Yeah, sure, go ahead," I said, thankful for the distraction. I rooted around my stuff for my phone as he left. When I found it, Cassie's number was flashing across the screen.

"Cassie?"

"_Rachel,"_ Cassie hissed. "I need your help!"

My pulse quickened. I was already on my feet. "Where are you?"

"Ronnie's! You remember I told you I was staying at his place tonight, right?"

"Yeah, but…" My brow furrowed. "Wait, so are you okay?"

"What - oh, Rachel, I'm fine. You can sit down. Jeez, don't be so dramatic. I'm okay."

"Then what's the matter?"

I heard her take a few deep breaths. "I think...Ronnie wants to push things further in the, uh, bedroom."

I sat. Hard. "And you call_ me _dramatic?! I thought you were about to be tortured or something!"

"Well, I mean, that's yet to be determined!"

"Oh. Dang, I mean, Ronnie never really seemed the type," I said thoughtfully. "Although you know what they say, it's always the quiet ones - "

"No, not that!" Cassie cried, sounding horrified. I couldn't help myself. I started to snicker.

"Then what's the problem here?"

"He sort of...implied...I mean, you know, using other...body parts on me...like, I want him to, but what if he doesn't...like, I know I would enjoy it, but it's kind of…isn't it kind of weird? Down there?"

"Cassie?"

"Yeah?"

"Are you freaking out about oral sex?"

"Yeah."

I had to bite my lips between my teeth to stop the barking laugh from escaping. "Well, don't."

"Has Tobias ever...done it to you?"

"Yes," I said bluntly. I had to force myself to focus on Cassie, because just hearing his name was making me angry. "And it's great. All these nerves you're having right now, I'm telling you, it's all worth it in the end. Trust me."

"But...I mean...did Tobias like doing it?"

I winced. Every time she said it, it brought to mind Heather. He'd lied about Heather. Maybe even did _that_ with Heather. I couldn't get those thoughts out of my head, it was like a growing tumor in my mind.

"I don't really want to talk about Tobias right now."

"Uh-oh. What happened?"

"I...nothing. Look, Ronnie's a grown man. A grown man that's already seen your body. He just wants to get more up close and personal with it. If you're comfortable with that, then I say go for it. Don't worry about how it's gonna be like for him. The entire point of it is that it's entirely for _you_. He's doing it because he loves _you_."

There was a short silence before Cassie answered. "What happened with you and Tobias?"

I sighed and lowered my voice to a whisper. I didn't hear Ben making his way back yet.

"He's been living in an apartment with Heather this past year."

"He_ what?!_"

"They lived together."

"I - well - that doesn't mean - "

"Doesn't it?" I challenged. "He chose not to tell me. Why would that be?"

"Oh...Rachel, I'm so sorry. But I know Tobias would _never_ intentionally hurt you. Until you know the whole story, I wouldn't jump down his throat yet. Think of it from his point of view - "

"I'd rather not think of it at all, actually," I said shortly.

"Rachel - "

"Never mind," I said gruffly. "I'm not discussing this right now. Go get eaten out, I have to study Calculus."

"_Rachel!"_

"Enjoy it. Talk to you tomorrow." I hung up and dropped my phone on the table angrily. Was Cassie about to take his side? Telling me to see it from his point of view, God, all I saw was Tobias and Heather sharing a bedroom. How was that going to give me any perspective? All it did was fire me up, flood my veins with lava, and want to punch something in the face.

I was a jerk. All she'd wanted was some reassurance, and I'd rained all over her parade. Just as I was about to call her back I heard Ben cry out from upstairs.

"_Ahhhhh!" _

"Jesus Christ, can I not just get one fucking minute?!" I groaned. I sprinted up the stairs. Out of pure instinct, I was already focusing on my grizzly bear morph. I could already feel the tingling of brown fur about to sprout by the time I got to our upstairs hallway.

I stopped mid-sprint. Ben was on the floor, hand on his chest like he'd been startled nearly to death, looking thoroughly flustered. The window was open in the spare room right in front of us, and a red-tailed hawk was perched on headboard of the bed

My breath hitched.

[Sorry!] Tobias yelped. [I'm really sorry! I didn't mean to startle you!]

I rushed over to Ben and helped him up.

"Oh, man," he wheezed. "Okay, now I'm embarrassed. At least tell me my shrieking wasn't high-pitched and girly?"

"Don't be embarrassed," I said calmly. "You didn't know that window was Tobias's personal doorway. He does that all the time, Cassie and I don't even bat an eye anymore."

He smoothed his clothes. "It wasn't a scream so much as a manly battle cry, right?"

"Yep. The manliest."

"Thanks."

[I kinda swooped in just as he was walking out of your room,] Tobias said. [What were you doing in there, anyway?]

"I was just using her bathroom!" Ben said defensively.

[They have one downstairs.]

"I'm the one that asked him to come over, Tobias, he can use any bathroom he wants," I said irritably. I was not appreciating the tone he was taking. What, exactly, was he accusing Ben of?

"I kind of forgot there was one downstairs," he admitted. "Last time I was here I just remembered there was one in your room."

Tobias was looking between the two of us, trying to figure out what that meant. I wasn't going to lie to myself, it felt nice that Tobias might possibly be jealous another guy was once in my bedroom. Not that he had any right to be, he_ lived_ with another girl, after all. The only thing Ben ever did in my room was look out of place. And pee, apparently.

"I should have asked," Ben said finally.

"No, it's fine," I insisted. "You didn't do anything wrong. Pee anywhere you want."

That cracked a smile. "I'll remember that."

"Pee in any _bathroom_ you want."

"Drat."

Tobias quietly watched our light-hearted exchange. It was horrible, but all I could think was - good._ Good._ Let him be jealous. I delighted in it for a few moments before I realized Ben was just sort of standing there with his hands shoved awkwardly in his pockets, staring at the floorboards.

"Hey, you know what? I think it'd probably be better to have real food before ice cream. We can eat while we study," I said to him. "Thai?"

"Sure. You got a place that delivers here?"

"The menu's on the fridge. Golden Kingdom. My usual order is already circled. The number twelve combo."

He pulled out his cell phone. "Gotcha. What about you, Tobias?"

"He's not staying," I said briskly, before he could answer himself. "He doesn't like Thai food, anyway. Can you give us a minute, Ben? I'll be down soon, I just need to talk to Tobias about something."

He blushed. "Uh, okay. But, um, don't think you can get out of studying."

"Wouldn't dream of it."

Ben went downstairs.

[You don't think it was weird that he was in your room alone when you have a newly usable bathroom downstairs?] Tobias asked immediately. I waited until I heard Ben rustling around the junk we had stuck to our fridge before saying anything. In the meantime, I went over to the door and glared at Tobias so hard he almost went up in flames.

"He's only ever been here once. It's not surprising he didn't remember."

[Still, though.]

"You're being really paranoid, Tobias."

[I'm being cautious, Rachel. You know what our enemies can do.]

I scowled. "And you automatically paint a target on Ben? He's harmless and, frankly, completely useless to the Initiative."

[No, he isn't. He's close to _you_.]

"I thought you said you were okay with Ben and I being friends," I accused, crossing my arms irritably.

[I am!]

"That's not how you sound. You sound like you're - "

[I'm_ not!_]

"Well, you could have eased up on him a little," I said angrily. "He's a guest in my house and he's helping me with school. Ben doesn't deserve your suspicion."

"Hey, Rachel?" Ben called up.

"Yeah?"

"Sorry to interrupt. Pepsi okay?"

"Pepsi is never okay."

"I know, but they're out of Sprite. It's Pepsi or Mountain Dew and I know you have strong feelings about Mountain Dew."

"What the hell kind of…?"

"That's what _I _said!"

"Tell them to reevaluate their life decisions."

"On it!"

I turned back to Tobias, who was glaring at me now.

[He seems to know a lot about you.]

"Shut up, Tobias."

[I'm just saying! He's close to you. Be friends, whatever. Just, I don't know, keep an eye on him.]

"I can take care of myself," I said evenly, although I could practically feel the anger crackling around me like electricity. Tobias had to sense it too.

[I know. I just...I know.] He faltered a bit before continuing. [Sooo...I was just talking to HQ…]

I stomped into the spare room with him and slammed the door shut behind me, a little harder than I meant to. Tobias ruffled his feathers, startled by the noise. He had to fight the hawk's instinct to fly, although I'm sure his human intuition was telling him to do the same.

"Well, you don't have a cell phone so I'm assuming you mean from your _base._" I sneered. "The _apartment you shared with Heather _for God knows how long."

[Rachel, _shhh!_] I think it was the first time I ever saw a hawk cringe. [But, uh, yeah, Doubleday did tell me he mentioned that.]

"Yeah, he had to, because_ you didn't_," I hissed, quieter this time. I didn't want to have Ben alarmed any more than he already was. "You didn't mention any of this _at all_."

[That's why I came right here, so things didn't get...confusing! I've been trying to get Doubleday to tell me when he was contacting you, so I could be there - ]

" - to hide it from me!?"

[No! I, just, to tell you the story better. We, Heather and I, we didn't really live together,] Tobias tried to explain. [It was really only Heather's apartment. I was a very scarcely around roommate, you _know_ where I really live! It was literally just so I could contact HQ and, you know, so I could have an address. No one knew I had that apartment, Rach, it wasn't just you.]

It was all very logical, very reasonable. If he had told me himself, earlier, I would have been absolutely okay with it. I would have understood.

"But why didn't you tell me about it before?" I demanded.

[I didn't want… I mean, you probably already assumed we were dating or whatever, so that already wasn't so far off.]

"That day in your meadow, we poured our hearts out. I thought we were done with secrets. I thought we got each other. Why didn't you tell me? I even asked specifically about Heather! You could have told me then, but you didn't. Why?"

Tobias fell silent. Nothing was the worst thing he could have possibly said.

"You told me you never loved Heather. You said you couldn't, because of me, but…" I hesitated, trying to bring myself to ask the question I didn't even want the answer to. But knowing the answer was better than being afraid. Having Tobias tell me was better than not hearing it at all.

But he wasn't saying anything.

"Did you and Heather ever…?" I cleared my throat. At some point it had gotten thick and scratchy. "Were you guys sleeping together?"

Tobias sighed. [We...ah, there was a point back in like March or something where I thought I might have had feelings for her. But I _didn't_. I _don't_. And I made it very clear to her...]

I could hear the implied "...but…" He didn't have to say it.

"Oh, my God."

[It was just - we didn't - we just - Rachel, I wasn't lying, I never loved her!]

"Oh, my _God._" I tugged my fingers through my hair and sat down so hard on the bed that the headboard shook and Tobias nearly lost his grip. His wings fluttered. "I cannot believe you didn't tell me this. I cannot _believe - !_"

[Rachel, I missed you _so much!_ I had no one else. I didn't have anyone!]

I steeled my jaw. "You know that wasn't all my fault."

[I know. I _know_. But that doesn't change the fact that I was alone. Heather was just...there.]

"So what, now she's not? Now _I'm_ just here?" I asked acidly. "'Oh, gee, well Rachel's around now, might as well fuck her!'"

[No! No, that's not it at all! You know that's not true!] he cried, sounding hurt. I knew I was hurting him. I knew it wasn't true. But I did stupid, unreasonable, asshole things when I got mad. That was something that had remained the same about me my entire life.

I buried my face in my hands. "Whatever, Tobias."

[Come on, you know me better than that!] he said. [Heather is a good person. She was a great friend when I had no one. She was a comfort. She helped me!]

"Oh, I bet she did."

Tobias looked away, stung.

[You're not being fair.]

I wasn't. I was being an ass. Tobias and I had broken up. It's not like he had cheated on me. As far as he knew, we would never speak to each other civilly again. Who was I to get angry about him being with someone else?

I was being especially unfair and disrespectful to Heather. I had to close my eyes and focus on calming down.

[I never thought about her like I think of you,] he pleaded.

Ben was just downstairs. I'd kissed him. I'd cared about him. We never did more than just that kiss, but there was a time not so long ago that I considered being with him. Tobias was no more guilty than I was. Yet somehow, it also didn't feel like either of us were innocent.

Just as I was about to apologize -

[Haven't you done anything with Ben?]

Aaaaand the asshole torch was passed. My resolve cracked and I jumped to my feet.

"So what if I did? Is that how this works? We take turns, try out some new rides, as long as we don't exceed some kind of quota?!"

His feathers puffed up, like he was being threatened. Which he kind of was.

[No, no, I just - I'm sorry - ]

"What if I did fuck Ben?" I snarled. "Same thing, no feelings involved, just sex. What if the reason he remembers the bathroom in my room was because he was in my bed once? What if he had my shirt off? What if he was touching me, kissing my neck, my - ?"

[Stop.]

"- what if his hands slid over my stomach, unzipping my jeans, over my - "

[Rachel, _stop!_] He sounded strangled. I took a deep breath.

"Okay, I'll stop. But we never did that. We never did any of that! So when I stop saying it, it stops being real." My voice hitched. "But you did do it with her, and you don't even have to describe it. I'm picturing it, in my head, you and her. And I can't stop it. It's just - over and over and over and nothing you can say will make it stop because _it happened. _For _real._"

Tobias blinked at me, pretty much the most emotion a hawk could show.

"I'm not blaming you for that. You and I weren't - okay, so you were sleeping with her. I just want you to know, that's what I'm feeling. That's why this is hard. And the part where you _hid _it from me, that too!"

[I'm sorry. Rachel, I'm so sorry,] he said weakly. [I didn't mean - I didn't want this. I didn't mean to hurt you.]

"I'm not hurt," I said defiantly. Crushed was a better word, anyway. "You weren't going to tell me! You were just going to keep this to yourself! _God,_ Tobias!"

I collapsed back in the bed, face down in the pillow like an insolent teenager, and resisted the urge to scream. I stayed like that for a few minutes. I heard Tobias shifting, so I knew he hadn't flown off.

Suddenly, I felt a hand on my back. I jerked and flipped over to find Tobias standing over me in human form.

"I love you," he said again. He got into the bed with me. My first instinct was to get away from him. I didn't want him to touch me. I didn't ever want him to touch me.

But then he did. His fingers grasped my hand, and it was okay. It was the same as always. Nothing had changed. I felt the same spark of electricity, the same warm energy. Those hands had been on someone else, but they always belonged on me.

"I know you do," I said quietly.

"I'm sorry. I'm so sorry." He'd morphed so I could see this in his eyes. How sorry he was, and how he fully understood what was going on in my head.

"We kissed," I said abruptly. I didn't even know why I was saying it now. "Me and Ben, once. Right before I broke it off with him. That was it. Well, no, that wasn't it. We kissed a couple days ago, but that was all him, he was just glad to see I was alive and he didn't know about us. He took it back."

"Took what back?"

"The kiss."

"What?"

I shook my head. "Ben is a weirdo. I love that about him. But I don't feel the same way about him as I do about you."

Tobias shifted in the bed so he was sitting next to me. His arm went around my shoulders.

"Okay."

I looked over at him. "Look, neither of us did anything wrong here. We were broken up. We did nothing wrong."

"I did. And I own up to it - "

"You didn't do anything wrong," I repeated firmly. "I'm sorry I got so mad. I'm really sorry. I'm...not mad anymore."

"Yes, you are," he said knowingly.

"Fine, I'm furious, but I'm Rachel," I pointed out. "I'm always furious. How long?"

"What?"

"How long where you sleeping with her?"

Tobias cleared his throat. "I, um, I'm not sure…"

"You don't have to tell me," I relented. "It's technically not my business. But I just feel like, if I turn this into a thing, like a timed period that has a clear beginning and end, maybe I could just isolate this out of my head. You know? So maybe I don't go fucking nuts, like I'm doing now , and - "

"Our first time was March, near the end, I think," he said. "The last time was two nights before the shooting."

I pressed my lips into a thin line. Okay, there it was. Our lost timeline. Eight months. A long while for sure, but it was finite block of time that I could visualize, almost like a calendar, instead of seeing Tobias and Heather together on loop. A couple living together and doing what couples did.

It wasn't just the sex or the lying. It was also the fact that Heather had achieved a level of domesticity that I never could with him. She had tamed him for herself. She hadn't gotten Tobias to stay trapped as a human for her, he had to demorph every two hours, same as with me. But to share an address, a bed, a kitchen, a living room, maybe. I believed Tobias when he said he barely lived there. But he did live there, even part-time. Heather got to come home, and maybe Tobias was there watching TV. Maybe Heather would wake up in the morning next to him. Maybe they brushed their teeth in the bathroom mirror together.

All stuff I never really got to do with Tobias. Throughout our relationship I lived at home, or lived in the woods, or lived with Cassie. We never really had our own place. Heather got to be the one to give him his first home. Not me.

"What can I do?" Tobias asked. "I know this is bothering you. I'll do whatever you want."

I shook my head. "Just let me deal with this on my own. This is my problem, not yours. You were completely justified in getting comfort wherever you could find it."

"Tell me, Rachel. Anything."

"I think...you should get out."

His face fell.

"That came out meaner than I meant it to," I sighed. "I mean, I want you to leave, for now. Not like, forever or whatever. Just tonight. I have a lot of...stuff. This day has been...a day."

"Do you hate me?"

"No!" I hesitated. "No, but this is what I meant when I said we should take our time. Think about things. We were apart for a year, everything's not just gonna fall back into place."

"Okay," Tobias said, relieved. "Okay. We're taking it slow."

"I'm really, really angry, Tobias," I said evenly. I could feel my knuckles going white as I gripped the sheets of the bed. I had to breathe deeply, slowly.

"I'm sorry."

"Stop being sorry. The only thing you did wrong was hide it from me." I shook my head. "Just let me be a bitch about it for tonight, okay? Let me kick you out of my house."

I felt his lips at my temple. Surprisingly, I didn't shrink away.

"You're not the boss of me," he whispered. "I'll be sorry if I want to be sorry."

"Fine. But you have to get out."

He sighed. "Okay."

"Wait," I stopped him. "Wait. I'm grateful Heather was there for you. I hope we find her soon."

His hand clutched mine for a few seconds, before pulling me into a tight hug. I almost lost my resolve. I almost asked him to stay.

"Thank you, Rach."

"Can you go now, please?" I asked weakly. He hesitated as he stood up.

"This feels wrong, leaving while you're angry. I don't want to leave it like this. It feels like when we..."

When we ended things, last time.

"I don't want to break up. I just need to think. Also, to study math. Lord only knows what Ben think's we're doing up here."

Tobias nodded and small, hopeful smile tugged at his lips. "Okay."

He gently took me by the chin to face him. He made me look right into his eyes as he said it.

"No more secrets," he said. "I want to fix this."

My arms found their way around him again, my face buried in his chest.

"Only time is gonna do that."

I felt his chin rest on my shoulder. "When do you want me to…? Like, when should I…?"

"Oh! Wait here!" I jumped out of the bed and flung open the door, leaving Tobias bewildered in the room. I went into the kitchen, where Ben looked up from his Calculus homework, startled. He was wearing large headphones attached to an old portable CD player.

"Are you okay?" he asked, concerned. He pulled off the headphones. "I heard yelling and figured you didn't want me to listen in, so I just drowned it out."

"I'm fine," I said absently, digging around the front pocket of my backpack. "I'm sorry you had to hear that. Tobias and I just have some things to work out."

"We don't have to study if you have other stuff going on…"

"I'm absolutely fine," I said, pulling out the phone Marco gave me. "We're okay. Tobias and I are good."

"Then, uh, why are you giving him an exploding phone?"

"I'll have him change the battery."

He looked at me skeptically. "Oookay, then. Hey, I told the Thai place to 'reevaluate their life decisions' but they still didn't have Sprite so they're sending Pepsi."

"_Ugh._ Be right back." I called from the stairs. When I got to the room, Tobias was already mostly hawk.

[I just looked out the window and saw the delivery guy coming up your - uhhhh, what is that?]

"A cell phone."

[I know what a cell phone looks like. That is a cell phone's grandfather.]

"It had to be big so Marco could make it, like, waterproof, crushproof, hackproof, everything proof, etc, etc." I placed it on the bed in front of him. "Think you can carry it back to your meadow?"

He grasped it in his talons. [I'll probably have to take a couple breaks, but yeah. I can do it.]

"My phone number is already programmed in there, along with everyone else's," I said. "You can use it. To call people or whatever. You should have a cell phone."

[Is this your way of saying 'call me'?]

"Tomorrow I get home from school at five."

[I'll call you.]


	21. II - Unit 87

_**II.**_

* * *

**CHAPTER TWENTY ONE - Unit 87**

* * *

"So did Kono say yes?" Tobias asked as we both climbed out of my car. I had to park in the street, since his apartment didn't have a lot and the closest spot I could find was a block away.

"Yeah!"

"No way."

"That's what _I_ said!"

He shook his head. "I thought this girl was smart. Cassie's always talking about how smart she is."

I shrugged. "We'll see how the movie premiere goes, I guess. Marco better bring his A-game."

"You know, we joke, but I kind of do want Marco to have that stability in his life," Tobias said thoughtfully. "He needs someone to knock him down a few pegs every once in a while."

"Hey, I do that."

"Nicely," he clarified. "Come on, we all need someone _normal_ in our lives. How's Ben?"

That surprised me. Not so much the question, but the casualness of it. The two of us were openly strolling down the street on a bright, sunny day. It was unusually cold for southern California, especially this early in the morning, so despite the sun there weren't many people out to ogle and mob us. We were never quite _that_ couple that skipped along sidewalks hand-in-hand, but we walked close, our arms constantly brushing against each other and our shoulders bumping fondly as we walked. Just a few weeks ago if someone had told me this would be my life, I would have laughed in their face.

"Fine. He'll be leaving for Thanksgiving early to visit his brother and sister-in-law in San Diego. The same weekend we're doing Cassie's birthday, actually."

"I thought his family was in Pismo?"

Another surprise, that Tobias remembered since way back during the ice cream truck debacle. "Just his parents and little sister. His brother can't travel up because of his job, so Ben's gonna go celebrate with them."

"Oh, cool. What about you?"

"Um, I'm probably just going home. Make dinner for my mom and sisters…" I trailed off, realizing the right thing to do would ask him his holiday plans in return, but I knew his answer. And there was still that part of me that was hesitant to invite him over. Was I ready for that? Was Tobias ready to see my family again? What would _they_ think? What would we tell them? I took a deep breath. Taking it slow with someone you were in love with was _hard_.

"...Tobias, how about - ?"

"Here we are!" he announced hastily.

He had lead me to a brick building, six stories high, and completely lacking in distinguishing features. It was in the middle of a complex full of apartments so identical that if I were to ever come back, I would never be able to pick his from all the others. Of course, that was probably purposely done, given it was a base of a secret organization for alien affairs. He steered me around to the back of the building, where we went down some concrete steps and came to a painted green door.

I guess he wasn't so sure about my inviting him for Thanksgiving either.

"A basement apartment?" I wrinkled my nose. It reminded me a loading dock in. "You? In a basement?"

The thought of him underground was as hard to believe as, well, the thought of _me_ underground. I was famously claustrophobic, Tobias and I had that in common. It was part of the reason why we both took to the sky so easily.

"It's a nice basement!" Tobias insisted as he stuck his key in the door. When he turned it, I heard the whirring sound of way too much machinery in the lock mechanism. Something clicked, something popped, and finally there was the whooshing of air as a some kind of vacuum seal was released. I stared at him. "Plus, uh, the basement apartment has it's own convenient rear entrance."

It had been three days since Doubleday organized this meeting, and I still wasn't sure if I was mentally prepared to see Tobias and Heather's apartment. But it wasn't like there was a choice, this was the closest Unit 87 base, so I had to suck it up. Tobias was desperately trying to play it cool and casual, but I could tell he was anxious as well, despite our nightly chats via his new phone. We had carefully avoided this subject, for the sake of pleasant conversation, though it was occurring to me now that maybe we should have talked this out a_ little_.

"No fingerprint scanners?" I asked sardonically as he pushed the door open. It looked like a regular wooden door, but felt so heavy it could have been made of lead. "Or retina scanners? Or any scanners? Have you super spies never seen a James Bond movie?"

Tobias chuckled. "Have _you?_"

"Well, no, but they have fancy scanners and stuff, right?"

"You're cute." When he noticed me glowering at him, he held his hands up in surrender. "All right, all right. It's Andalite technology, similar to the one that was hooked up at everyone's homes after the shooting. Although while the one at your house will just sound an alarm when an unregistered person in morph steps into your property, ours analyzes _any_ living being within a one mile radius. It can sense knives, guns, alien technology, biological or chemical weapons, and of course anyone that possesses the power to morph - morphed or not. If something sets off the alarm, HQ picks up the potential breach and sends a team to investigate."

"Oh. Sooo...no fingerprint scanners required."

"Nope."

"Fancy."

Tobias shut the door behind us and I finally faced what I had been afraid of for three days.

The space was basically a showroom floor. It was like an interior decorator had vomited springtime pastels and color-coordinated furniture across the apartment, just in time for someone to take a picture and put it in _Better Homes and Gardens_. The living room was pristine, with barely any sign that a person had ever even sat on the expensive white leather couch. Even the_ LA Times_, dated from nearly a month ago, looked like it had just been placed on the stained glass coffee table as a prop. The kitchen looked equally unused, not a crumb on any of the blue marble surfaces, no crust on the turquoise enamel pots and pans, and a gleaming copper sink catching what little sunlight it could underneath the tiny basement window. The bathroom looked like it had just been built, with its intricate mosaic tilework and a throne-like crapper that the Queen would have been afraid to pee in. The whole place looked like it could have been the staging area before we entered the_ real_ apartment.

"Now I know you barely lived here," I whistled, pulling open a kitchen drawer and nearly being blinded by the pure silver art deco flatware. They even had silk napkins folded up in there. "There is no way you have taste this good."

He snickered. "This is really all Heather's doing. She's got the Queer Eye thing going on."

I shut the drawer abruptly.

"I'm glad she was around to keep you in check. If you had your way, there would be dinosaur toys and model airplanes everywhere."

"That sounds_ amazing._"

There was one door I noticed Tobias didn't show me, just off the living room. It didn't take a genius to know that was the bedroom, and that was why he hadn't been in any rush to lead me in there.

"We'll find her."

I didn't know what to say other than that. A part of me wanted to talk about her more, but I wasn't sure how much he would be able to take. And any sympathy I tried to offer just sounded flat to my ears, no matter how much I meant it. In more ways than one I owed Heather a lot, and I could sing her praises until I was blue in the face, but there was still that small, awful part of me that resented her for this.

Fortunately, Tobias didn't seem like he wanted to dwell on it either. He motioned back to the living room and I followed him. There were so few windows he had to turn on the lights, even in the middle of a sunny day. The windows the apartment did have were teeny, barely clearing the ground the apartment was built under.

"So...do people not realize they live in a building with an Animorph?" I wondered out loud as I plopped down on the expensive couch. It was like sinking into a leather cloud.

"No. They never see me come and go," he said, joining me on the couch. "At least, not usually in human form. And even if they do, it's only a glance before I'm inside or gone. I'm pretty generic-looking."

"_You_ look generic? You're talking to the cookie-cutter Hollywood blonde over here," I said flippantly, reaching out and rumpling his hair. He had cut it recently, but it was just long enough to play with. It looked darker, short like this.

He let me mess up his hair. "Nothing about you is cookie-cutter."

I curled my legs under me and rested my elbow over the back of the couch so that I was facing him. The compulsion to kiss him was strong, but I just managed to settle for making a silly face until he laughed at me. I couldn't kiss him here, in this place.

"Okay, this isn't actually too bad, for a basement apartment," I conceded.

"Yeah, yeah. I know you're more a fan of my meadow." Tobias grinned. "I don't like being down here all that much either, but it was out of necessity. Even Heather was out and about most of the time."

"No rest for the Men in Black, huh?"

"Oh, we can rest. But I was always with the Hork-Bajir and she had that reporter job - "

I stared at him. "She was a_ reporter?!_"

He looked at me strangely. "You definitely knew she was a reporter."

"I thought that was just, like, a cover or secret identity or something!"

Tobias shook his head and pointed at the paper on the coffee table. "She was a part-time writer for the Times. She really loved that job, refused to give it up even if it meant losing sleep. Heather was stubborn as hell."

She was Super Woman. Would the wonders never cease.

"Listen, if you're not comfortable talking about her..." he said, shifting on the couch so that he was closer to me. I let him put an arm around my shoulders, and when he saw I was okay with it, he gave me a little squeeze.

"Mostly. Maybe," I said, allowing myself to rest against him. "I mean, I feel like, in any other circumstance, in another life maybe…"

"She could have been your friend."

"Or she could have been that reporter whose kneecaps I wrecked."

Tobias smirked. "That's more likely, yeah."

Suddenly we heard a noise at the door and we immediately scooted a bit further from each other. I hadn't realized we'd gotten so close, I was practically in his lap. There were a few murmurs and whispers before it opened, and then in came General Sam Doubleday.

He was an older man, in his sixties, with grey hair and a thick Colonel Mustard mustache. It was strange to see him after so long. I had heard in the news that he'd been in a car accident shortly after the war trials had ended. The general was reliant on a cane now, and despite this, still looked just as big and strong as he did three years ago. Doubleday wasn't just an old guy stooped over a cane. He was more like an iron bull holding an extra weapon. A small, smiling young woman with a short brown pixie cut was at his side. She waved at me excitedly. Behind them, a huge Shaquille O'Neal lookalike followed with his huge arms crossed over his massive chest. Despite his size, he had a babyface that had me guessing he was twenty-five or so, and the woman was probably only in her early twenties as well. Marissa and Andre.

"Rachel!" Marissa greeted. "It's so great to meet you! Officially, I mean. In, like, a non-stalkery way. Wow, you really are so pretty, even when you're like, not on TV or whatever!"

"Uh. Thanks?"

"Hey," Andre said. Marissa plopped herself down on the couch by me, patting the remaining cushion next to her. The hulk of a man sat, nearly sending the rest of us on the couch airborne. Doubleday took a seat in the armchair across from us and smiled.

"It's nice to see you face-to-face again, Rachel. You look well."

"Tobias, aren't you going to offer us drinks or anything?" Marissa prompted. He sighed wearily, but got up at her insistence. I got the feeling she did this kind of thing a lot.

"I have tap water and milk that must have spoiled at least a week ago."

"I think that'll be waters all around, then," Doubleday said. Tobias went into the kitchen and started filling up a pitcher with water from the sink. I rolled my eyes, at the same time that Marissa did. I decided she was all right.

"Er, it's nice to see you again, too. Sir." I had this weird compulsion to get up and shake his hand, so I did. Tobias started snickering in the kitchen and I gave him a dirty look. "What? He's supposed to be my boss. That's what you're supposed to do, isn't it?"

"Sure, but since when do you do stuff like that?"

"Shut up and don't forget the ice."

"You needn't be so formal with me, although it is refreshing to be shown some form of respect," Doubleday said, casting withering glances at his agents. "You'd never guess they were trained military just by looking at some of these people."

"Why is that?" I wondered aloud. I had noticed that Tobias hadn't stood for a salute to the general, and the others weren't exactly standing in line with their backs straight and stony eyes forward. They had waltzed on in like they were buddies. "I mean, why do you keep things so casual?"

"That's a thing we learned from you guys," Marissa chimed in, pointing at Tobias and I. "The Animorphs lasted as long as they did because you _weren't_ so strictly military. You were small, but flexible. You adapted to situations, you did so much with so little, you were a secret, and probably most importantly, you were friends."

I had never really thought of it that way. The few times we actually did go full military-style were when things really went south. Namely, those last weeks when all-out war was declared. Until then we were little more than a persistent thorn in the yeerks side, but we mattered. Versus an entire alien empire with an impressive track record for conquering planets, we had mattered. Not a success in the big picture, maybe, but in our world, on our planet, it was all the difference. We weren't perfect, but we had done many things right.

"Unit 87 is small for a reason," General Doubleday said. "Just over forty active field agents and another sixty or so staff running things from the headquarters, split between the east and west coasts. Everyone has at least met everyone else, and trust is extraordinarily important with us."

I stared at him. "Like, a hundred people? That's it?"

"We skim the top scorers from each of your cousin's graduating classes in Hawaii and run them through our trial process, part of which determines their ability to work with our team. If they pass, they are extended an invitation. The bulk of Jake's students are sent to the regular morphing units among the Army, Navy, Marines, Air Force, and so forth. Marissa was the top of her class this year. Andre, the year before."

Marissa beamed. Andre rolled his eyes and looked like a giant bored teenager.

"I kind of noticed this before, but…" I shifted my gaze from Doubleday to his two agents. "You are both awfully young. Everyone seems to be. Are all field agents in Unit 87 like, twenty-five or less?"

"I'm twenty-six," Andre said gruffly.

Marissa looked at Tobias with surprise. "She doesn't know?"

He set a pitcher of ice water on the coffee table, along with five glasses. Marissa took a glass and scratched it skeptically.

"I, uh, I mean, it's not like_ we _even know yet," Tobias said awkwardly.

"Tobias…" she started, deeming the glass clean enough and pouring herself some water.

"What good would that have done? It's not like it's scientifically proven yet, anyway! It's only a theory."

Thankfully, Doubleday saw me getting impatient and cut in.

"The morphing academy has always looked for younger recruits, preferably less than thirty years old, and almost none older than forty," Doubleday began. "Simply because younger bodies are more likely to tolerate and adapt to the morphing technology. It was never tailor-made for human physiology, after all. It requires a pliability in anatomy that is best represented in the younger population."

"Okay…?" That was logical enough. I remembered Jake saying the exact same thing to me a couple years ago, when we all were asking about his new gig as morphing instructor. But that didn't mean they all needed to be so young. Surely an agency this important needed people with actual military experience.

"The Andalite morphing technology has of course been attempted on older people willing to try," Doubleday continued. "Seventy percent of people over the age of forty were unable to receive the morphing technology. Ten percent gained the ability to morph temporarily, but it faded over the next few months. The remaining twenty percent can morph as expected, but they are aging just like the rest of us. It is...uncertain how their bodies will tolerate the morphing technology as time goes on."

"Like, do they think something bad is going to happen?" I wondered.

Tobias, Marissa, and Andre all shared a look that pretty much answered that question.

"The rejection of morphing technology is not always the simple inability to morph, though," Doubleday explained. He helped himself to a glass of water, taking his time and making me feel antsy. "There was one case of a 45-year-old morpher being unable to control his morphs and he just randomly became every animal he had ever acquired in succession, straight from one to the other against his will, until finally it stopped and he could no longer change. That caused a bit of a mess."

"Oh, heh. That's strange," I said nervously. Tobias was smirking at me.

"And then there was the case of a 40-year-old woman that began having such a difficult time demorphing that eventually she grew afraid of becoming a _nothlit_. She quit."

That sent a little bit of a chill up my spine. If there was a possibility that the morphing power had some kind of expiration date that would run out while I happened to be a cockroach, well, _shit_.

"And then there are a select few that suffer physical disability as the morphing technology is rejected. Not many, but it is worth noting."

"Physical disability...?"

"Remember, out of the 201 registered human morphers on Earth, these 5 or 6 cases are far from the norm."

"Okay...?" My eyes wandered to his cane.

"I wasn't in a car accident." Doubleday confirmed holding it up. "I received the ability to morph shortly after the war trials ended."

It was hard to believe, but I slowly realized what he was getting at. The news reports of his car accident, the sporadic months of medical leave he had to take...

"I was sixty years old, but I wanted to try. Actually, I was able to morph exactly once - an eagle, just like yours." He sighed. "It was glorious, but I was never able to morph again after that. Then, over the past few years, I started to notice a new onset of weakness in my legs. The weakness has progressed until, as you can see, I became reliant on a cane. Our scientists predict that the degeneration will continue for as long as I live."

"The morphing technology did that to you!?" I gasped.

Tobias cleared his throat, hearing the alarm in my voice. "It's too early to say, but there have been other cases. One agent of Unit 87 was forty-two when he got the power to morph two years ago. Now he can't morph at all and can barely move without a walker. Another morpher, this one in the Army, had the power for three years without issues but now she's starting to get weak as well. She just turned forty-one this year."

"Oh...man…"

"Of course, it depends on the person. Mac, one of our East-coasters, is forty-five and showing no signs of slowing down," he added hopefully. "But the jury's still out on what the next couple years will bring."

"As Tobias said, it is too early and there is not enough evidence, but there is a good chance that all humans already gifted the morphing technology may suffer complications as they age," Doubleday said. "The military has always included the waiver before people signed up for the morphing power, warning about the unknown side effects Andalite technology could cause. The morphing units trained in Hawaii are particularly brave."

I frowned and looked over at Marissa and Andre. "So you guys knew before you signed up?"

"They likened it to becoming test subjects for an experimental drug," Marissa nodded. "Most people turn away at that, it's why not everyone's jumping at the chance to morph. Once you read all the paperwork, the long line of soldiers around you gets a lot smaller and you start to wonder if you're being crazy. But, well, yeah. We all knew that this was uncharted territory."

"Yeah," Andre agreed.

I looked at Tobias. "And us?"

"We were the youngest to ever morph." He shrugged. "It's still up in the air whether that's a good or bad thing. Even by Andalite standards we were too young. Their _arisths _have to be at least fourteen and post-pubescent before getting the power to morph, because of unpredictable health concerns."

"Greaaaaat."

"Hey Tobias, do you have any snacks?" Marissa asked suddenly. Tobias glared at her, but she just smiled up at him innocently until he got up to rummage around the cupboards.

Doubleday sat up and pulled a few things out of the briefcase he had been holding. There was a softcover book and a few loose papers stuffed in a folder. "Yes, well, putting us back on track, I have here the morphing risk waiver."

He removed one sheet and wrote an "x" on the line at the very bottom. "If you're still interested…"

"It's not like _not_ signing it will make any difference," I said dryly. I was already "infected" with the power to morph, anyway. Tobias was watching me worriedly from the kitchen, but there was nothing we could do. If the morphing technology was going to disable us some day, that was even more incentive to sign up and do some good. Well, more good than we'd done already.

"Pretzels or popcorn?" Tobias called.

"Popcorn!"

He grumbled as he tore off the plastic and stuck the bag in the microwave.

"Then you've got to sign the confidentiality agreement." Doubleday tugged another sheet out and I signed it after pretending to skim its contents. Secrecy was not exactly something we as Animorphs were unfamiliar with.

"Lastly, there is the course you must take," he said, slightly quieter. It was almost hard to hear him over the faint hum of the microwave and the popping of the popcorn.

"The _course?_" I yelped.

They all winced at me. I heard the microwave stop. It was then that I realized Marissa had been trying to keep Tobias away from us. She'd been distracting him, or at least trying to all along, and I'd messed it up.

Doubleday looked at Tobias apologetically. "Yes, every recruit is required to pass an intensive two-week course of study and group exercises before officially becoming a part of Unit 87."

Tobias stomped over, throwing the bag of half-popped kernels at Marissa.

"But these aren't popped."

"Chew harder," he snapped.

I decided to ignore them. "But I know how to morph, why do I need a course? I could morph the _crap_ out of everyone in this room!"

"Humble about it, too," Andre said.

"This isn't the same as what they teach in Jake's classes, or what you already know in your extensive experience," Doubleday said, avoiding Tobias's glare. "This is Unit 87-specific. As honored as we are to have you join our ranks, I'm afraid I have to insist."

"Ugh. Great, like I don't have enough homework to begin with."

They all exchanged looks. Tobias shook his head firmly, but the others all seemed to disagree with whatever silent concern they were sharing.

"I've told them I was concerned about college interfering with your Unit 87 duties," Tobias said finally.

"Of course you did." I scowled.

"The course is pretty intensive and you actually need to travel to New York, as in_ disappear_ for a whole two weeks. The job itself is really time-consuming. It's a commitment."

"We are not having this discussion again, Tobias."

"I'm not saying don't join. My suggestion was for you to hold off. Finish college. Then, after you graduate, see if you still want to do this. Unit 87 won't be going anywhere. We'll still be here when you're done."

I couldn't believe it. Even after all this time, Tobias was still against my signing up. He made just enough of a show to make it seem like he was on board, like he was finally supporting my decision, but then he pulls this. One last stand. He was absolutely un-fricken-believable.

Doubleday, Marissa, and Andre were suspiciously quiet throughout all this, watching us closely.

"College will always be there, too, you know," I said sharply. "Technically, it makes more sense to do this now and go to school later, if this morphing expiration thing is real."

"Rachel - "

I held up a hand to silence him. "No. Listen, Heather was a reporter _and_ she was with you guys. If she can pull that off, I can go to college and do this."

Marissa giggled, breaking Unit 87's silence. "It'll be like a movie!"

"A bad one," Andre growled. I was starting to dislike him more and more each monosyllabic sentence he spoke.

Tobias sighed. "Rachel, you may be underestimating - "

"I don't think_ I'm_ the one underestimating people here," I said acidly.

"I'm not underestimating you."

If he was going to say more, I didn't let him. We could discuss his brain malfunction later, when my future boss and coworkers weren't watching. Maybe that was Tobias's intention all along. Make me look bad at what was essentially my job interview.

I was ending this now.

"It's a pain in the ass, but I like it at Blythe. I'm doing both." I wasn't just another recruit. I was Rachel Berenson, and I gave Doubleday, Marissa, and Andre a stern look of their own.

Whatever they thought of me, they could never,_ ever_ think I was weak.

Doubleday cleared his throat. "The morphing academy is graduating a new class of morphers in December. Since we are low on resources, it would be more cost-effective to train you together with another recruit instead of everyone separately. Assuming we are able to find a suitable candidate among their ranks, December 12th through the 23rd would be the most ideal time for you to take the course."

"What!?" Tobias demanded. "That's not what it was before! It was a week earlier!"

My finals ended on December 10th, and then I was on my winter break from school until January 17th. The timing was perfect, just after my semester ended and I'd get back just before the holidays. I could spend Christmas with my family and no one would be any wiser. However, it was becoming blatantly obvious that the whole thing was very intentionally planned that way. I got the feeling I didn't need to inform anyone here about my school calendar.

"We rescheduled."

"You did it on purpose!" Tobias accused.

"And so what if I did?" Doubleday challenged calmly. "Tobias, I am the Commander of this unit. The schedule will change at my discretion. Rachel, I imagine the timing is convenient enough for you?"

A slow smile crept on my face. "You know it is."

So that was what all this weirdness was about. They had all been conspiring against Tobias, planning ahead of time for any resistance he might throw out there. His team had been working against him. I could tell he was pissed, and probably felt a little betrayed, but that was his own fault. Tobias had no right to try and influence my life, no matter how much he cared.

He fumed in silence. Marissa was clearly embarrassed, but Andre appeared triumphant. To be honest, I was more in line with Andre, for once. And maybe a little embarrassed, but more with my boyfriend's behavior than mine.

"I want to be frank," Doubleday said, pointing between Tobias and I. "Is this going to be a problem?"

"No," I said firmly. Tobias just huffed.

"Good. So, in the next three weeks your single duty to us will be to keep our secret," he said. "You are not on active duty, Rachel. You are still officially a civilian until your formal initiation in December, is that clear?"

"Oh come on, seriously?"

"You'll have the opportunity to do plenty, after a proper orientation."

Tobias put a hand on my shoulder, and I shook it off angrily. I'd gotten what I wanted, but in a small way, so had he. I was still going to be a part of Unit 87, but I had to wait practically a month. Plenty of time for him to try and convince me not to do it. He was smart enough to know that I would follow through on whatever I set my mind to, but I was smart enough to know that so would he.

"So, Rachel Berenson. Shall we meet in New York, December 12th?" Doubleday stood, leaning heavily on his cane for balance. He held out one large, wrinkled hand.

I got up and shook it. "See you then."

"Can we show her the base?" Marissa asked excitedly, jumping up from the couch to shake my hand so hard I thought she would rip it off. "I know she hasn't taken the course, but she's definitely not a normal recruit. We can show her the base a little early, right?"

"I don't know about that…" Andre, of course.

Doubleday thought for a moment. "I don't see why we couldn't show her around this one, at any rate. We'll save going to the actual HQ for her initiation. In the meantime, she can see the Grid."

"Yeah, lighten up there,_ 'Dre_," I smirked and patted him on his gorilla shoulder. He seethed under my touch. "Let's go see the Grid!"

Tobias steered me away from him, shaking his head and whispering, "Already causing trouble. He could pound you three feet into the pavement."

"He's a jackass," I hissed back. Louder, I asked the group. "What is the Grid, anyway?"

Doubleday held out an arm and waved it at the closed door off the living room. The one we had been avoiding up until now. "Tobias?"

He sighed and looked at me apologetically. "It's in the bedroom."

I straightened my shoulders. "Well? Lead the way."

He grudgingly turned the knob and pushed open the door. We were all greeted by the strong scent of potpourri, shut in for way too long. It had to have been weeks since the door had been opened, and since there were no windows, the perfume had nowhere else to go.

"Jesus. It's like getting slapped in the face by springtime," I gagged.

"Tobias likes the smell of the outdoors," Andre explained, breathing through the front of his shirt. "Heather got that potpourri for him."

Marissa gave Andre a good smack in the arm. So, Andre knew how to push my buttons. This was going to be fantastic.

I focused on the room itself. The queen-size bed was made up like it would have been in a hotel room, complete with symmetrically placed throw pillows and fluffy blue quilt. Despite the formality, it looked comfortable and even a little homey. At least, more so than the rest of the apartment. An alarm clock was on the right sided nightstand. I could guess that's where Tobias slept. He needed the clock, to know when to demorph. On the left side, a stack of notebooks, papers, and a tape recorder. Heather's side.

I looked away, feeling my stomach start to churn. There was a walk-in closet in one wall left partially open, just enough to see that there was a good amount of clothes in there - men's and women's. They had shared a closet.

Tobias quickly closed it.

"The Grid is there," he said quickly, pointing at the vanity against the opposite wall. There was a dresser with big drawers and on the wall above it, a large mirror with built-in light fixtures.

Marissa and Andre took a seat on the bed as Tobias led me towards the vanity.

"Here's that scanner you were looking for," he said, trying draw out a smile. I was clenching my teeth and trying to control my breathing. It was a strange feeling, to be angry with him, but want to him to comfort me, and also be afraid to touch him.

"What?"

Tobias took my hand, and I had to swallow the urge to pull away. I was in her room. I was in _their _room. We couldn't touch in here.

But as he placed my hand palm-down on the surface of the dresser, a blue square glowed around it. I gaped at it. This had to be Andalite technology. It reminded me so much of that night when we'd all touched the blue cube. It even felt the same, warm and tingly.

_"Whoa."_

He looked at me sheepishly. I could see in his eyes that he would always wish I would just stay out of trouble. If he kept that up, this relationship was going to be pretty rough for him.

"_Unauthorized user attempting access,"_ the mirror warned. "Dictate Security Override. Five seconds. Four Seconds. Three - "

"Security Override. User Rachel Berenson," Doubleday said clearly. "Authorize."

"If he didn't authorize you, this room would have exploded," Marissa explained.

"As things tend to do around me," I said dryly. "Why didn't _you_ authorize me, Tobias? It's your base, isn't it?"

"You can't be authorized while in morph," Andre said. "It's one of the security features."

"One of many," Doubleday said proudly.

Suddenly the mirror lit up, and its reflective surface became a black computer screen. I jumped, startled.

"And now you know why I needed the basement apartment," Tobias said. "All this stuff had to be built into the ground and walls. Can't get away with that upstairs."

"Welcome to the Grid," Marissa declared.

It was, as described, a Grid. The first screen that flashed onto the mirror looked like a map, light blue on darker blue. It was vaguely shaped like the state of California, but made up of squares and rectangles, distorting the scale of distance. Small pinpoints of light were scattered across the map.

"Other bases," Tobias said. "Zoom Out."

The map suddenly became a warped shape of the United States. I could see the little pinpoints of light up and down the east coast. Each light was connected by a thin line, not all to each other, but to what looked like a silvery web. On each side of the country, there was a slightly larger, orange light. One seemed to be where New York was, and the other was just around where I assumed San Diego would be. The two webs, one on each coast, seemed to cluster around those points.

I could still sort of see my reflection in the screen. I was grinning stupidly and couldn't stop, it was so impressive.

"Headquarters?" I asked, pointing at the orange light in southern California.

"Bingo," Tobias said. In spite of himself, he was grinning widely at me and my expression. "Connect to West Coast HQ."

The mirror went black for just a second before it became a huge video feed. We were staring at what looked like an old warehouse, furnished with desks and computers and all sorts of other machines that I didn't even recognize. More Andalite technology, probably.

Andre rolled his eyes and muttered not-so-under-his-breath, "Why not just show the princess everything?"

I would have popped him one, if I hadn't been so distracted. There were people there, busy at work, typing at computers, reading notes, talking into headsets. None of them seemed to pay us any mind. I noted that they didn't seem to be dressed up in any kind of the uniform. In fact, they were wearing a random hodge-podge of outfits, from business suits to postal worker uniforms to food service aprons. They must have all had occupational secret identities. Job covers.

Remarkably, there were two Hork-Bajir among them, one chatting to a human by a large computer monitor, and the other typing at his own workstation. Even more shocking, the Andalite roaming among them, pointing a finger at two humans carrying a large box. I was in awe.

"_Whoaaaa_. Hork-Bajir? Andalites?"

"Unit 87 is an organization whose focus is alien relations," Doubleday pointed out. "It would defeat the purpose if it were all humans. We have three Andalites and four Hork-Bajir Seers in our ranks. Two Andalites and two Hork-Bajir here, and the rest are East Coast. That Andalite you see is Menderash. He, Tobias, and a woman named Norrie pretty much lead the West Coast agents. The East Coast leaders are a human, an Andalite, and one of the Hork-Bajir."

Suddenly a large face took up the entire mirror. It was a chubby, balding man in a white lab coat. He pushed up his thick plastic glasses and squinted.

"Tobias? That you?"

"Hey, Leonard," he greeted.

"Why are you human? I thought you guys were - no way. _No way!_" he gaped at me openly. "Is that her?! That's not her. _Is that her?!_"

"Be cool, Lenny, jeez." Marissa leaned in to whisper. "He has the hugest crush on you."

"_Marissa!_ Come on!" Leonard whined. "Ugh. I'm - I'm sorry. Hi, uh, _hi_, Rachel."

"Hey."

"Oh, my God, it really_ is_ you!"

_"Dude,_" Andre warned.

"Sorry! Oh, hi, Mr. Doubleday."

Doubleday shook his head. "Calm yourself, Leonard. Would you find Norrie for us? It looks like Menderash is busy."

"Norrie. Right. Yeah, I'll get her," he nodded awkwardly. "It was, uh, nice to meet you, Rachel."

"Likewise, Leonard," I said. He looked like he was about to wet his pants as he ran off. That wasn't exactly new, but I did feel a little embarrassed. Andre already thought so little of me, I didn't need the rest of them treating me different. Hopefully everyone would get as used to me as they were with Tobias.

It wasn't long before a new face filled the screen. A woman that bore a striking resemblance to Cassie, if she had kept her hair short and was ten years older, greeted us with a smile. She was dressed in a skirt and an awful sweater vest. If I had to guess, she was some kind of elementary school teacher.

"Hello, Tobias. And, oh, so _this_ is the famous Rachel," She waved behind us at the others. "I'm Norrie. You'll be reporting to me shortly after you complete your training in New York."

"Right. Cool, thanks."

"Don't worry about it, you'll do fine," she reassured me.

"I wasn't worried."

She laughed.

"Of course not! Well, I can see why everyone's so enamoured with you," Norrie winked smugly at Tobias. We both looked at her blankly. Everyone? "Anyway, welcome. I guess since you haven't been fully initiated yet, I'm not supposed to show you much. But I think you'll find your groove here just fine. Just don't let Andre under your skin, all right?"

Marisa giggled.

"And don't let Tobias boss you around."

I snorted.

Doubleday stepped forward, standing next to me. "Rachel, if you'll be kind enough to excuse us? I have a few things to discuss with Norrie that I don't think an uninitiated recruit should trouble herself with. You can wait in the living room and we'll talk before we adjourn for the evening."

"All right," I relented. I'd already seen too much preferential treatment for one day, I didn't need to make things worse by insisting. "Uh, nice to meet you, Norrie."

I walked out of the room and Tobias followed me. The others shut the door so they could talk without us listening in.

"If you say 'sorry' I'll kick you," I said immediately.

He shook his head, amused. "You really wanna do this, huh?"

"Yes."

"Then I'm done trying to fight you about it," he sighed. I knew he was finally telling the truth. Tobias couldn't lie with that kind of smile slowly creeping on his face. "I saw you in there. I haven't seen you look that excited and alive about something in years. If this is what you really want, Rachel, I won't try to take it from you."

I hesitated. "That's a good boy. Because if you think I'm gonna give up something_ that _cool…"

He laughed, grabbing my hand and squeezing. He pulled me around into the kitchen and I couldn't help but grin. That just goaded him on. "Rach, trust me when I say - you ain't seen nothin' yet. Once you get back from New York, I'm gonna show you everything, all the - "

"Come to Thanksgiving dinner with me."

He froze. "Huh?"

I didn't even know what I was doing. What I was_ saying._ But meeting the agents, seeing the Grid, learning about Unit 87, and now Tobias laying off me, it all just gave me such a rush.

"Have Thanksgiving with me and my family?"

His expression slowly twisted in confusion and held for a few seconds, before melting back into a small and tentative smile.

"Are you sure?"

"No," I said honestly. But being sure never was a prerequisite for anything I did.

"Then sounds good to me."


	22. II - The Birthday Girl

_**II.**_

* * *

**CHAPTER TWENTY TWO - The Birthday Girl**

* * *

"Anyone else wondering how the Andalites did all this so fast?" I asked.

It was finally time to visit Ax and surprise Cassie with her birthday party. Jake had arrived the day before and kind of seized the reins for the whole thing, so Marco and I just sort of let him, keeping our thoughts amongst ourselves. Tobias would be joining us a little bit later, but was predictably mysterious about why. I managed not to feel too bothered by it, because I was too busy feeling smug about how great a job we'd done keeping Cassie in the dark.

This day was about Cassie, and seeing Ax again. That was all.

Marco, Cassie and I stepped off the ferry onto Royan Island, where the Andalites were still in the process of setting up their base of operations. The island itself was much different from what it used to be, with large expanses of meticulously manicured blue grass and trees that were definitely not from our world.

A large building sat at the center of the island, as big as an aircraft carrier, whatever material it was made of gleaming in the sun. Massive windows wrapped the building edge to edge, the panes so close together that the facility looked almost entirely transparent. Even the roof, where a few Andalite fighters were parked, acted as huge skylights. Andalites were known to be claustrophobic, their species evolving on open plains where they could run freely, so it made sense that they wanted to see the outdoors at all times.

Behind the main structure was a tower, shaped like a long stalk with a clear glass dome at its peak - an Andalite Dome Ship. Around it were a bunch of grassy bumps in the ground that we recognized as Andalite dwellings called "scoops". Ax had one of his own in the woods back in the day.

Royan Island and the tinier islands surrounding it had been completely transformed. It was as if someone has plucked off a piece of the Andalite homeworld and dropped it into our ocean.

"Andalite technology is something, isn't it? That they could build all these things and bring all this stuff here..." Cassie marveled at one particular tree at the front of the base, planted right off the dock. It was big and weird, shaped like a giant blue asparagus. But definitely no weirder than any of the other vegetable-shaped rainbow trees sprouting all over the place.

Marco shielded his eyes from the sun as he peered up at the Dome ship towering over us.

"Oh, man, that takes me back. Remember when we rescued Ax from inside one of those?"

I pointed at the smaller fighters. "Remember when Elfangor came to us in one of_ those?_"

Cassie remained silent, still staring at the one tree. She had walked up to it and raised her hand like she wanted to touch it, but was hesitating. Marco elbowed me.

"Hey, what's up with her?"

"I have no idea. Cassie, what are you doing?"

Her gaze never shifted, as if she were hypnotized. "I don't know. You guys don't feel that?"

Marco and I looked at one another and shrugged.

"Nope."

"Nah, nothing."

Cassie's brow furrowed in curiosity and she gently touched the trunk with her fingertips. She gasped, pulling away.

"Cassie!"

We rushed over as she stumbled back, each of us grabbing one of her arms to hold her up.

"I'm okay, I'm okay!" Cassie said. She looked amazed, gaping up at the tree in fascination. _"Wow! _Guys, this tree is_ alive_."

Marco frowned. "I feel like you especially should know this, but all trees are alive."

"No, it's_ alive_. I think it _talked_ to me!"

[You can hear it?]

We all swiveled around to see Ax standing behind us. He was _different._

He'd gotten taller, and more broad in the chest and shoulders. Even his tail seemed to have bulked up, more muscled and dangerous-looking. It had been three years since I'd seen him in person, and in that time he had become almost a clone of his older brother, Elfangor. It was enough to give me chills.

He was joined by another Andalite that seemed roughly about the same age. He was a little bigger than Ax, his fur a darker blue with stubbier stalk eyes and wider hooves. I was fairly certain we'd never encountered him before. While I wasn't exactly an expert, it wasn't like they all looked to same to me. I'd remember if we'd met.

Still, I couldn't shake the feeling that the Andalite accompanying Ax seemed awfully familiar.

The other Andalite laughed in our heads. [Forgive me, I know humans have to turn around just to see behind them, but seeing three of you do it all at once is very amusing.]

I noticed that even as he said this, his stalk eyes weren't sweeping over all of us, like Andalites always did. They were locked firmly on me.

We _did_ know each other from somewhere. Which didn't make a whole lot of sense, but we seemed to be in quiet agreement that we wouldn't say anything about it. Yet.

I scowled. His eyes smiled in response.

[Cassie, you can hear the _Garibah?_] Ax repeated, surprised.

"The _Garbara_?" I echoed, pulling my glare off his friend. If anyone caught that, they probably just assumed I was annoyed at his making fun of humans.

"Don't they make baby food?" Marco wondered.

"You mean the tree? Yes, I heard something," Cassie said. "I mean, it didn't say any words or anything. I could just feel it was thinking something. This tree_ thinks_."

Ax looked pleased. [This is our_ Garibah _tree. The Andalite guide tree. It is of more importance to young Andalites growing up, as a sort of spiritual connection to our homeworld. Andalites at our age no longer perform the ritual, but we brought this one along for sentimental reasons. None of us have been able to communicate with it. We assumed the relocation rendered it dormant.]

She looked at the tree again, wide-eyed. "Well, it's definitely not dormant."

[How can a human hear the _Garibah?_] Ax's friend scoffed.

[Cassie isn't a normal human,] Ax said truthfully. [None of my friends are, Menderash.]

_Menderash._ It hit me then, so hard that he noticed my expression and had to warn me in private thoughtspeak.

[Rachel, calm yourself. You must not reveal how you know me. Say nothing, we both have parts to play.]

Menderash was the Andalite I had seen at the Unit 87 HQ. He worked with Tobias. And obviously, no one else knew about it. He was staring at me hard. I shut my mouth, which I hadn't even realized was hanging open, and took some slow deep breaths through my nose.

[Good. We must act as strangers. Forgive me for what I am about to say.]

_What…?_

Ax was motioning towards us. [That one's name is Marco, and - ]

[Yes, yes, of course I know them. The whole galaxy knows them,] Menderash said impatiently. [And the one with the garish yellow fur is Rachel.]

_Oh._ I pretended to self-consciously run a hand through my hair. "Garish?! Excuse me?! Listen, buddy - !"

[Rachel, I must apologize on behalf of my First Officer. He was apparently too busy to find the time and attend my human education seminar before our arrival, so he is ignorant of many things that could be considered offensive. On our world, young Andalites wishing to rebel against societal norms dye their fur in bright colors to express individuality. Yellow is one of the particularly appalling colors.] To Menderash, he explained, [Human fur, or hair as they more typically call it so that they may inexplicably separate their species from the others of Earth - ]

"Hey, now," Marco grumped.

[Why do they wish to do that?] he asked.

[If you had attended my seminar, you would know!]

"I think_ I'd _kind of like to see what's going on in this seminar," I said, eyes narrowed.

[No you wouldn't. Prince Aximili is not renowned for his lecturing ability,] Menderash said dryly, giving Ax a playful poke in the ribs.

"I never would have guessed," Marco said, just as dryly.

[Anyway, my point was, humans have the widest ranges of genotypes in the known universe. Rachel's hair pigmentation is naturally occurring.]

"You better believe it," I muttered.

Privately, Menderash said, [In truth, I have become quite an expert on humans myself and I do enjoy the varied colors of human fur.]

I rolled my eyes.

Menderash then said to everyone, [I see. I have a young sister at the Academy who would be envious of you. Forgive me for my ignorance. It really is an honor to meet you. The Animorphs are well-known and widely celebrated on our planet.]

"It's a pleasure to meet you as well," Cassie said. "Menda…?"

[Menderash-Postill-Fastill. First Officer to Prince Aximili-Esgarrouth-Isthill, former Commander of the Hrothgan Battery Level 626 of the Kelbrid Axis.]

"Ah, gotcha."

[It was a pleasure to meet you all as well. I'm afraid I must go, though. Prince Aximili runs a tight ship.] He lowered his eyes and bowed his upper body, an Andalite sign of respect.

[I have assigned him to oversee my duties for the rest of the day,] Ax said. [Thank you again, Menderash.]

[Not a problem, Prince Aximili,] Menderash made an odd salute with his fingers that made Ax laugh. He swatted after his First Officer with his tail, but it was expertly blocked before he ran off. Ax turned to us, but I noticed his stalk eyes watching his friend go.

[We shall meet again soon, Rachel Berenson,] Menderash called as he disappeared. I bit the inside of my cheek.

Ax motioned for us to follow him towards the base.

[Menderash and I went to the Academy together. He was two years ahead of me. During my time on Earth he apparently proved himself a worthy warrior against the Yeerks. He was just short of becoming a Prince himself before he agreed to join me here on Earth. Despite his abrasive demeanor, Menderash is the most loyal Andalite I have ever known.]

I believed him. We had met a several Andalites in our adventures and I didn't know a single one of them who would pass up a promotion for Prince just to get their hooves dirty on a primitive mudball like Earth. Those guys were an ambitious and proud bunch. Ax and Menderash must have been very close.

Did Ax know about him? Or Tobias?

No. He couldn't.

Could he? If he did, he was doing a much better job at hiding it than I was.

"So basically the Andalite operation on Earth is being run by you and your school buddies?" Marco asked as Ax led us into the facility. "Should we be worried?"

[Menderash makes that joke every day.]

Inside were several mostly transparent offices, inhabited by dozens of Andalites, all busy at blinking computer panels, communication monitors, and all sorts of other things I could never hope to identify. No matter their age or size, they all respectfully acknowledged their Prince as he passed, and Ax greeted them back kindly.

"This is so weird," I commented.

"You're a big deal, Ax," Cassie said, grinning. "We're so proud of you."

[It is just a basic Andalite tradition,] Ax said humbly. [Come, we need to pass through the lab, so that we can enter the courtyard.]

As we strolled through the lab area, characterized by almost stereotypical test tubes and beakers with colorful bubbling liquids, someone else caught my eye. I stopped. She was a female, as young as Ax and Menderash, though smaller with a quite a bit more tan in her fur. She was mixing something in a tube when one of her stalk eyes met my stare. The other turned as well and she stopped what she was doing to stare back at me. I was getting really, really good at recognizing Andalites today.

Ax noticed I had stopped walking.

[Ah. I see Rachel has found Estrid-Corill-Darrath, my Chief Science Officer.]

"Estrid..." Cassie repeated. "_The_ Estrid?_ Our_ Estrid? The Estrid with the_ virus?_"

[The Estrid that stopped Arbat from unleashing the prion virus into the Yeerk pool,] Ax reminded us. [No one's perfect, but she still was the best scientist at the University. It was an honor for us to take her along.]

[Besides, I owed you one, Prince Aximili,] Estrid said, slinking out of the lab to see us. She draped an arm casually over Ax's shoulder. [I owed you all. So here I am. I hope you are well, Rachel. Cassie._ Marco._]

She gave Marco an extra long glance. He smirked. I frowned at him, but he ignored me. At some point, my life had filled right up with secrets again.

Estrid's tail slid along the length of Ax's until their blades clinked together, a move that kind of made me feel like I should have turned away. Cassie looked awkwardly between the two of them.

"It seems you two have certainly reconciled."

[Our disagreement was years ago,] Ax said nonchalantly, as Estrid bumped her hindquarters with his playfully. [Don't worry, I made her promise not to wipe out humans, this time.]

[I now consider Prince Aximili dear to me,] Estrid agreed, smiling. [And I would never chance a genocide against a species he cares for.]

Marco snorted. "That's nice. Isn't that nice of her, guys?"

[It took a while, but Estrid has developed a loose grasp on basic human humor,] Ax said quickly. [I have a section about it in my seminar.]

"Yeah, because you were always the expert."

[I assure you I am no longer interested in biochemical agents,] Estrid said. [To be frank, I never really was. Prince Aximili has allowed me the freedom to study anything that catches my interest.]

"And what interests you here?" I asked bluntly.

Estrid glanced outside, at the sky, the ocean, the grass._ [Everything. _You have been to other planets. Is it so hard to imagine that wonder you felt at seeing a new world for the first time, being applied to your own Earth? There is so much ocean, so much salt, so many different kinds of animals and plants and trees…]

"Well, it's not like we have _Garibahs_," Cassie said.

Estrid jerked and stared at Ax.

[She knows about the_ Garibah?_]

[She can _hear_ it_._]

[_We_ cannot even hear it_._]

[I know.]

Estrid reached out and held a hand to her cheek in awe. Cassie withdrew.

"Uh…"

[This is fascinating. Perhaps because the _Garibah_ has been planted on foreign soil, it speaks the language of your planet instead of ours. That may explain why we Andalites no longer hear it, but you can, as easily as you can hear your own trees!]

"Our trees don't make noise," I said.

[None at all?]

"Not usually," Marco said. "Unless you're Pocahontas."

"Shut up, Marco."

_[Fascinating.]_

Ax gently separated Estrid from Cassie. [Sorry to interrupt your work, Estrid. We were just passing through.]

[Not at all,] she said absently, still looking wonderingly at Cassie. [If I may, I would like to perform a harmless - ]

Ax stepped between them. [You are not performing tests on our guests, Estrid.]

[But Prince Aximili - ]

_[Estrid.]_

"Okay, maybe it's time for you to back off a little," I warned her.

She did, though she looked a little put out.

"Maybe next time," Cassie said sheepishly.

"So, uh, great seeing you again!" Marco said brightly. "We'll be going now, so we can leave you to your...whatever."

[Come visit whenever you like. That goes for all of you.] She cast an apologetic glance over at Ax, who looked offended on Cassie's behalf.

[Estrid. Give it to me.]

[You really have become a Prince, Aximili,] she grumbled and handed Ax a single hair, evidently one of Cassie's.

[If I find out you are running any DNA tests…]

[I won't, I won't.] Estrid stepped around him, making sure to trail her hand across his waist before slinking back into her lab.

We all looked at Ax.

"What the heck was that?" I wondered. "Was she always that weird?"

[She has a healthy appetite for science,] Ax insisted. [I trust her not to get too carried away. Also, I owe her a lot. She has been a good friend to both Menderash and I these past few years.]

"Uh-huh,_ 'good friend'_." Marco winked and nudged him with his elbow. "Nice."

"Don't tease him," Cassie admonished. "She seems...pleasant."

"Yeah, at least she asked if she could slice into your brain _politely_," I said.

[She wasn't asking to dissect your brain, Cassie, she only wanted to perform a non-invasive brain scan,] Ax said. [At least, I think that's what she meant.]

"Hey, we're not judging," I raised my hands in peace. "I'm over the whole prion virus thing, I swear. I'll probably get over her wanting to experiment on Cassie, too. Plus, I'm no Andalite, but even I could tell she's really hot."

They all stared at me.

"What? Like you all weren't thinking it?"

Ax led us out into to the back of the facility, which opened out into a sort of backyard. This place was clearly meant to play host to humans. The trees here were of the boring green-leafed and brown-trunked variety, the grass green and plain. They were thoughtful enough to set up two picnic tables and a few other bits of outdoor patio furniture. Thoughtful, because I was sure only Ax really understood a human's need to sit down. There was even a small shed-sized construction that read "Human Wash and Waste Vestibule" in English on the front.

All of it had been colorfully decked out in streamers, birthday posters, confetti, and balloons. At the center of this human oasis, Jake stood by one of the picnic tables, sticking nineteen candles into a large strawberry-frosted cake.

"Happy Birthday, Cassie," I snickered.

She cried out. "What -_ Jake?!_"

"Surprise!" Marco and Jake exclaimed. Marco took it to the next level and blew on a party horn he'd hidden in his pocket, right in my ear. I growled and trapped him in a headlock.

"Cassie, since it's your birthday, I'll let you decide whether or not I rip off his head."

She had her hands over her mouth, eyes wide. "Oh, you _guys!_"

"I think that means _'let Marco go'_," he gasped.

"I didn't hear that."

"Let Marco go," she said absently as she hurried over to Jake, throwing her arms around him. I released him and snatched his party horn away, in case he got any more bright ideas. Cassie was practically jumping up and down. "Jake, when did you get here? I didn't even know you were coming home so early!"

"That's what 'surprise' means," Jake reminded her cheekily.

"Yes, well…" At that point she must have realized they were still wrapped around each other and she pulled away, blushing. Jake looked just as awkward, taking a step back and scratching his head sheepishly. Marco and I shared a look. "Can't believe you guys did all this for me!"

[Prince Jake was very thorough in organizing this celebration,] Ax said. [He brought the food. I hope there is enough to feed us all.]

There were like, six pizza boxes, a tray of chicken wings, two Cinnabon boxes, and four big bottles of soda, all for only six people.

[He also assured me that the sparkling bits of string and paper can be easily removed with minimal effort, despite it taking him quite a long time to apply.]

"Uh, and Marco brought the music," Jake said quickly, pointing at the speaker that Marco was hooking his ipod up to. "Rachel baked the cake."

"Yeah, I baked the cake." I outstretched my arms. "Why aren't you groping _me_?"

She smacked me in the arm, but hugged Marco and I anyway. Even Ax got a hug, although he seemed mostly bewildered by it.

"Where's Tobias?" she asked.

"He'll be here soon," I said vaguely, glancing up at the sky. "He had an errand to run, but promised he'd be here."

Ax motioned for us to have a seat at one of the picnic tables laden with food.

"You could have asked Estrid to join us," Cassie said. I reached over and started opening all the boxes.

He hesitated. [No, she has a lot of work to do today. She would have declined the invitation, anyway.]

"He's blushing," I grinned, smacking Marco's hand away from the wings. It was Cassie's birthday, she got to eat first.

[Andalites lack the vasodilation mechanisms in the face that - ]

"You were totally into her back then," Marco chirped. "And she's obviously into you now. She was all _'oooh, helloooo, my Prince, introduce me to your friendsssss...!_'"

Marco draped himself over Ax's shoulders and whispered in his ear. "Come visit_ any time..."_

Ax wriggled away from him as Cassie covered her mouth to hide her smile. I pressed my lips together, trying to do the same thing.

"C'mon, Marco, leave him alone," Jake said, failing to hide his own amusement.

[If you are finished taunting me about Estrid,] he said. [I'll be morphing human so that I may sample the cuisine Prince Jake brought. It has been far too long.]

He morphed at warp speed and soon we were all seated at the picnic table. We started on the pizza and wings, but Ax opted to go for the Cinnabon first. None of us had the heart to tell him he shouldn't start with dessert, but then again, it's not like the rest of it was particularly health-minded.

"Diet's on the backburner for today," Cassie said, as I served her a slice of veggie pizza. We had six different kinds, but I already knew this was the only one she'd eat.

"Oh please, what are you doing on a diet for?" Jake scoffed.

"Not all of us can eat like you and Rachel and still look like supermodels."

"I noticed you left me out of there," Marco said, starting to pile chicken wings on his plate.

"Whatever, you're gorgeous, Cassie," Jake insisted. I looked up from my own pizza and quirked an eyebrow. He blushed. "And so are you, Marco, don't let that Hollywood lifestyle get you down."

"Mmm, Jake, talk dirty to me."

Ax's mouth started to water as he finally got the cardboard box of Cinnabon open. "Remind me again, do I eat the plate and fork? Kuh. Puh-late."

"_No!"_ the three of us cried.

"Thank you."

"Shouldn't we wait for Tobias?" Cassie wondered. "When did he say he would get here, Rachel?"

Ax's expression was one of a young boy that was just told he wasn't getting Pokemon for Christmas. To be honest, the strong smell of melted cheese, buffalo sauce, and cinnamon icing was overwhelming all of us.

"I don't think he'd mind if we started without him," I said. Whatever he was doing, I felt like he should have been done by now. I was starting to get worried. Ax, on the other hand, looked relieved.

"Next time I will let Menderash have a taste," he gushed. We could barely understand him as he began stuffing a Cinnabon in his mouth. Marco had to remind him to chew, which I guess was understandable given that Ax hadn't really used teeth for three years. "Annalishe shimply do nah hab sush pleasures in our nashural bodiesh."

"Cinnabon might be a little much for a first taste test," Marco said. "Maybe start him off with something more bland."

"A stick of butter, perhaps? Hapsss."

Marco made a face. "We need to reacquaint you to food, pal."

"Cawww...Cawww - cauliflower?"

"Sure, if you hate the guy."

But he didn't, I realized. Ax very much did not hate Menderash. Menderash this, Menderash that. Yes, Estrid was a 'good friend' - _to him and Menderash_.

We had been teasing him about entirely the wrong thing all along.

I saw Cassie glancing at me. If even I could notice it, she must have known since we first set foot on the island.

Marco and Jake, of course, were clueless.

"I meant like, bread or rice or something."

"Ah! Bread! Duh. Duh. With butter! Terrr," Ax agreed. "Menderash would enjoy that immensely. Sleeeee. We could make him toast. Oast. Owssst."

Cassie smiled. "Let's invite him over. It's cute how much you want to share this with him."

Ax had been reaching for his second bun. His sticky, brown-glazed hand froze in mid-air.

"I do not know what you mean by that."

I snorted. "C'mon, man. We're all friends here. Back in the day, everyone knew all about Jake and Cassie, Me and Tobias, and Marco and his hand."

"_Hey!"_

Ax had turned bright red. He was inexperienced in hiding emotions while in human form, and his face was no longer lacking in "vasodilation mechanisms".

"I am certain I don't know - "

Cassie suddenly frowned. "Wait… Oh, no. Ax..."

Ax looked away, cinnamon bun completely forgotten. That's when I knew something was wrong. Ax never gave up on a food item.

"What?" Jake asked. "Wait, what?"

"You don't need to be embarrassed about Menderash," I assured Ax. "Not with us."

Marco's eyes widened._ "Oh."_

Jake stared. "You and...ohhh. Oh. Okay. Oh. That's cool?"

Cassie looked at Ax somberly. "That's why he came here with you, isn't it? That's why he gave up his own Prince-hood just to come all the way to Earth. He wanted to be with you."

Ax refused to make eye contact. "You are mistaken."

"What's the big deal?" Marco asked. "I mean, I'm sure Menderash is cute too, in an Andalite kind of way."

"Do not say that."

"For once, I'm with Marco," I shrugged. "It's not that big of a deal. If someone is willing to cross the galaxy for you, I say good for you. Not everyone is lucky enough to land that guy, you know."

"Stop it."

We stared at him, confused, until Cassie placed her hand on his arm.

"I remember how your culture treats_ vecols_. What are their feelings on, well, whatever you call this. Two males attracted to one another?"

We all transferred our stares to Cassie. That hadn't even occurred to me. I had almost forgotten how they treated disabled Andalites. _Vecols_ were ostracized from society, doomed to live their lives as outcasts. We'd met a few _vecols_, who now in retrospect might also have been...this. Two dude Andalites "together". If Andalites were that unforgiving about disability, and even made such a fuss about dying fur other colors, their culture probably wasn't overly fond about breaking other societal norms like this.

It took a moment for him to answer.

"We are called_ parlas_," Ax said, very quietly. "And the attitude is the same. Worse, even. I am...I am sorry…"

"Sorry for what?" I demanded. "No, don't even say what I know you're gonna say. Don't."

He shifted in his seat uncomfortably. "We have been through a lot together, and I'd hate for this revelation to make you think any less of me. I am quite attached to all of you…"

"Ax!" Cassie cried. "Don't be silly!"

"Damn, I'm actually a little offended you'd think that," Marco grumbled. "I mean, sorry to crap on Andalite society, but you guys are a bag of dicks sometimes. We've got your back no matter what."

Jake nodded. "What Marco said, except nicer."

"Have you two been keeping it to yourselves this whole time?" Cassie asked.

"Yes."

"That's awful. Would it really be that bad to come out?"

"I would be disgraced. Everything we have done in the past six years would no longer matter. We would be shamed, dishonored, and exiled. Not just me, but Menderash as well. And Estrid, who also knows and has been covering for us. There is already precedent for this kind of thing, and it is not good." Ax sighed. "That was part of the reason I came here. Fewer Andalite eyes to hide from."

"So that whole thing with Estrid…" Jake asked.

"She was kind enough to act as though we were romantically interested in each other," he admitted. "In order to hide the relationship I have with Menderash. She is admittedly better at it than I am."

"So she's just your beard," Marco said.

"My what?"

"Nothing," Cassie said, glaring at Marco. "Ax, I'm sorry that you have to put on that charade in front of your people, but you don't have to do that in front of us. You never do. There is nothing to be ashamed of."

"Menderash would go to the ends of the universe for me. I didn't want him to, he deserves all the praise and honors they offered him. Coming with me to Earth meant letting his impressive career hit a dead end, and I feel guilty. I am ashamed of that."

"He knew what he was getting into, Ax-man," I said firmly. I at least had some expertise in this. "Menderash knew you were worth it, and if he's half the Andalite you think he is, nothing would hold him back. Wouldn't you have done the same to him?"

"I suppose."

"Oh, Ax," Cassie hugged him tightly.

A small smile appeared on his face. "I've truly missed you humans."

I made a face. "Okay, this was a great after-school special, but can we go back to watching Ax inhale cinnamon buns?"

"That was literally the entire reason I came here," Marco agreed.

We dropped the subject, but I knew it would come up again someday. It seemed the human Animorphs weren't the only ones working through relationship problems.

Instead, we talked about Ax and his new role as Prince. He told us about his duties, and about a few of the Andalites he'd brought with him. There were currently eighty-six Andalites living on Royan Island, many of whom were on shorter assignments and would leave in a few months, to be replaced by others. At any given moment there would likely be no more than a hundred Andalites on Earth at a time. Ax, Menderash, and Estrid were among the few full-time "Earthlings".

As everyone ate, I watched him closely. I couldn't help but wonder again - Did he know about Menderash? Did he know about Unit 87? Was he involved himself? I had learned there were three Andalites in the organization and only knew one of them.

Surely not, otherwise he would have said something to me by now. Everyone in Unit 87 knew I was joining them by the end of the year, it definitely wasn't a secret. Ax would have no reason to hide it from me. That meant Menderash had kept Ax in the dark about it, and I wasn't even sure how I was supposed to feel about that. I felt angry and lied to when Tobias told me. It seemed wrong at the time.

But did I feel like Menderash should tell Ax? Did I want Ax to be sucked into it on his boyfriend's behalf, and risk all the great honors he'd earned himself?

For the first time, I started to understand how Tobias was feeling.

As if on cue, my phone rang. I pulled it from my pocket.

"It's Tobias."

"I'm surprised that call went through on our base," Ax said, spitting a little bit of cinnamon bun as he spoke. "With all the interference from our equipment."

Marco looked smug.

"Hello?" I answered Tobias.

"_Where is he?" _Cassie mouthed.

"Where are you, you loser? You're missing the party!"

Tobias sounded excited. "Rachel, Toby is having her baby! This is it!"

I shot to my feet so suddenly Jake nearly toppled over next to me. "Guys, it's Toby! It's time!"

Cassie jumped up with me. "She's having her baby!?"

"No, it's time for her weekly mani-pedi _of course she's having her fucking baby _\- Tobias we're on our way!"

Around me the others began to chatter excitedly and Ax began to demorph. I could barely hear Tobias over their noise.

"Thanks for the heads up about Menderash," I whispered sarcastically, making absolutely sure the others were too distracted to hear me.

"Did you meet him?"

"Yeah, jerk."

"Sorry, I just kind of assumed you would figure out that. I mean, all the Andalites live there, right?"

That made me feel a little foolish. "Shut up."

"You coming or not?" he laughed. "I don't think she's gonna be holding that little guy in there for very long!"

"Tell her to hold it in for one more hour!"

"I'll try!"

I hung up. Jake looked a little put out that his shindig was being interrupted, but he'd get over it. This was Toby. This was the next generation of Hork-Bajir! And it was a pleasant coincidence that Baby Cassie would be born on the day we were celebrating Regular Cassie's birthday.

[I'll alert Menderash and the others that I will be leaving the base with you,] Ax said. [Do you think the Hork-Bajir would mind my presence? It would be very exciting and I would like to show my support on behalf of the Andalites.]

"Of course not!" Cassie said happily. "We're all going. They're family, after all."

"Tell your buddies to morph human and go to town on the feast we've got here," Marco said.

"Except the cake," Jake interjected.

"Yeah, we still need Cassie to blow the candles out," I agreed.

[Of course. Your human candle ritual.] Ax galloped off to tell his people. In the meantime, we planned.

"I don't want to wait for the ferry," Cassie gushed. "I'm too excited!"

"I parked my Range Rover in the marina parking lot," Marco said. "If we fly to my car, I can drive us to the mountain. We ditch the car and morph Hork-Bajir to get to the valley. I think that'd be the quickest way."

He was right. When Ax returned, we all morphed into our respective bird morphs and the nostalgia almost stung. It had been so long since we had been a bald eagle, peregrine falcon, two ospreys and a northern harrier. Before long we would join our red-tailed hawk and we would truly feel reunited.

[Oh, I hope we don't miss it,] Cassie said as we flew. [I feel like we've been waiting for so long!]

[We'll be there in an hour. Less than that,] Marco said as we flew over the strip of sea separating Royan Island from the mainland.

[I know it's been a while since I've lived here, but wouldn't the drive alone take at least an hour?] Jake asked skeptically.

[Not the way Marco drives,] I said darkly.

[Look, do you wanna make it there fast or not?]

[I do, but I also want to live to see my actual nineteenth birthday, if it's not too much trouble.] Cassie said nervously.

Of course, none of us had any better solutions, so we found Marco's ridiculous SUV and demorphed. Jake climbed into the front seat, and Cassie and I piled in the back with Ax, who stayed in his harrier morph because he wouldn't have fit in his Andalite body. The minute Marco floored the gas pedal just to get out of the parking lot, we knew this was not going to end well.

"How have you not gotten any better at driving!?" Jake yelped as Marco lurched forward along the California highway. He swerved suddenly, avoiding an innocent old bald guy driving his midlife crisis convertible.

"Would you guys shut up? I haven't hit anything yet!" he pointed out as he rolled over the rumble strips at the side of the road. The vibration caused the glass of vodka I'd poured myself to spill. Cassie shook her head distastefully at me.

"We're gonna be in this car for a while, trust me, you're gonna want a drink too," I warned her, taking a swig and returning the glass to the minibar Marco had installed in the backseat. "Sorry Jake."

"Trust me, I get it."

[I was under the impression one had to pass a licensing exam before being legally allowed to drive a motor vehicle in public spaces,] Ax said worriedly.

"Seriously, guys, shut up!"

Astonishingly, we made it to the mountains in horrifyingly record time, just as Marco had promised. We spurted out of his Range Rover like soda from a shaken can.

"Rachel?" Cassie asked weakly.

"Yeah?"

"I could use some vodka now."

"Hell, me too," Jake said, a little green. "That was bad enough to break my sobriety."

"Oh come on, you big babies," Marco managed to say, just as his mouth pushed forward from his head and hardened into a beak. Not the beak of an osprey, but the large, iron-like beak of a Hork-Bajir. [We're fine.]

[You nearly bust through the divider into oncoming traffic!] I cried. [Five times!] I was already shooting up in height, over seven feet tall. The last time I had come to the Hork-Bajir valley I had foolishly tried to fly over the mountain and learned my lesson. This was Hork-Bajir territory, and Hork-Bajir was the way to go. Fortunately, over the course of the war, all of us had managed to acquire a morph.

[Nearly. The key word being _nearly_.]

[I am never getting into a human vehicle again,] Ax said firmly. He had demorphed and had to remorph, since not even a nimble and powerful Andalite could make the steep climb. Hopefully he didn't tire too quickly.

Traversing the mountain was immeasurably easier as a Hork-Bajir than an eagle. We leapt effortlessly from tree to tree, our blades dug deep into dirt and rock, making climbing a breeze. Our bodies reached the peak without breaking a sweat.

[Um, you guys?] Cassie had reached the top first. She had been the most excited out of all of us to meet her namesake, so she had a little more motivation. [Hork-Bajir eyes aren't so great. Am I seeing what I think I'm seeing?]

I landed at her side and looked down at the Hork-Bajir valley.

We saw smoke.

* * *

_**Author's Note -** Sorry for the long wait between updates. It's partly because I've been busy, but also partly because I haven't had all that much motivation lately. I won't say I'm quite burnt out yet, but I've never been this close to finishing a freaking novel-length fic before and it just feels really hard lol. Like, look at that word count, I mean…!?_

_In retrospect, I should have split this story into two parts, and turned the potential sequel into a threequel. ~The Rachel Trilogy~ or something. But oh well, lol. Anyway, as always, thanks to those sticking with me on this loooong-ass road so far!_


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